Thursday, November 09, 2006

A Few Things I Need

  1. I need all persons in my workplace who can only converse by constantly shouting at one another across the office to rediscover the wonders of the telephone, the Internet, and shutting the hell up.

  2. I need the Gap in my neighborhood to stock men's ribbed fitted T-shirts in XS. In fact, I need American retailers everywhere to acknowledge that short men without beer guts exist and require clothing.

  3. I need Rachael Ray to choose one (1) television show and immediately cease production of the other seventeen. It's enough already, Rachael.

  4. I need That Guy I See On the Subway Most Mornings to either come over and say hello or stop staring at me, because it's getting weird.

  5. I need the Trixies in my neighborhood to wear sensible shoes while they commute. If I miss one more train because you can't manage your Prada stiletto heels on the stairway to the platform, onto the tracks you go.

  6. I need the two people who have expressed worry that my conversion to Buddhism is a terrible tragedy, and have suggested I return to the arms of Jesus, to worry about something else.

  7. I need the conglomerate that owns Macy's to personally apologize to me for defacing the old Marshall Field's flagship on State Street with black awnings. It looks like a funeral parlor. I thought you people in New York City were supposed to have a sense of style.

  8. I need Stephen Fry to call me and explain his long-standing indifference to my public protestations of love for him.

  9. I need to take four pairs of boots to the Boot Guy for new soles.

  10. I need the grocery store in my neighborhood to relocate about three blocks closer to my apartment.

  11. I need the grocery store in my neighborhood to stop running out of things like butter. What American grocery store runs out of butter? Especially when next state north is Wisconsin. How hard can it be to keep the lines of distribution open? Are the Butter Trains being ambushed by packs of Dairy Bandits?

  12. I need to eat less butter.

  13. I need to lose about five pounds. (See item 12.)

  14. I need, as the immortal Nina Simone put it, a little sugar in my bowl. It might make the previous 13 items rather easier to bear.

88 comments:

Nanna said...

I am never standing next to you! At 6'2" & XL( rarely L), you would make me look like the Michelin tyre man. You need to visit Oxford St, Sydney. The street is full of stores selling XS or S & nothing else - you would be in Nirvana & that's excluding the bars... ;-p

Beth said...

Number 7! Macy's is my new nemesis.
And who runs out of butter? I can overnight you some from Costco. I buy it 4 pounds at a time there.

Nancy said...

I have a similar #8 on my list - I want Stephen to call me and explain why he can't "switch teams" just this once.

Rosi G. said...

If you move to NYC, you would have a grocery store on each corner surrounding your apartment.

You would NEVER run out of butter.

You would probably find the GAP t-shirts in size XS.

You would lose 5 pounds just by getting jostled around at the train station and in the train itself. People would rub the lbs off of ya!

You could push as many Trixies as you want and you'd just be a normal New Yorker.

:o)

Scoutj said...

Do you want me to send you discount coupons to The Gap? I get the friends and family ones....

Liz said...

My local grocery store decided to run out of Helmann's mayo in the regular size jar (rather than the industrial vat) as well as all Heinz ketchup. When I sent an email to corporate stating that this stocking issue was a bit much on a holiday weekend, they responding with a form letter stating that they couldn't be responsible for stocking speciality items. I replied that if ketchup and mayo are special, I'll change to shopping at SuperTarget.

And I hate Macy's.

Karen said...

Well, as for #8:
If Dear Stephen can cough up some reasonable excuse for being able to resist your charms, he should be able to come up with (ahem) an explanation for why he hasn't changed teams and come running to me, either.
So there.
Karen Who Lurks

twig said...

The butter trains aren't being ambushed but the folks who are trying to load them because they get caught behind women wearing Prada stiletto heels.

Elizabeth said...

Yep, we got lots of butter up here. And it's cheap! 1.79 lb! At one of our local stores, they've trained the cashiers to ask if you find everything ok. If you actually say "No" it baffles them. They never try to do anything about it.

So, tomorrow we'll find out if the guy on the train reads your blog and works up the courage to say Hi. Or if it's just creepy.

DianeS said...

I really do have to get another job and it will probably involve a cube farm full of obnoxiousness (Is that a word?). In the meantime, I really am enjoying the quiet or the noise of my own making.

Warrior Knitter said...

#6 If you stopped knitting, spinning & other all things fiber, drawing or blogging now THAT would be a tragedy.

#11 The past few years a few days before Thanksgiving my regular grocery store has run out of unsalted butter. Butter-hording??

Tonia said...

A friend of mine from Chicago actually hissed at me when I told him that my fiance and I are registered at Macy's. I scoffed, until he bought me my first Frango mints - then I became an ootch more sympathetic!

Carol said...

I feel your pain. We used to live by a supermarket that would run out of things like milk or yogurt. Tom called it our Soviet Acme.

Ahem, your trademark subtletly may be too subtle. Perhaps you ought to title your next post "I need a good f***."

Denise said...

I'll see your noisy co-workers and raise you a soft football. I got bonked in the head the other day as two of the resident clowns were playing catch. In the office. Sheesh! Told them if it happened again I was going to see if the football would fit through the shredder...

Kat said...

I want Stephen to switch teams for ME. What is it about that man. He his so damn sexy and doesn't fall into any of the stereotypical 'hot' categories.

vanessa said...

i am so happy i had the chance to see marshall field's one last time before it went over to the dark side.

Lee Ann said...

The women wearing Prada heels are secretly stealing the butter. Too bad they can't figure out you're supposed to EAT it.

Sugar, I already knew you were wonderful, but the Rachael Ray comment just seals it completely.

Bells said...

if it's any consolation, Stephen Fry hasn't contacted me yet. Might be I'm not yelling loud enough.

Bells said...

oh and my local supermarket (Kaleen IGA in Canberra, australia - ha! I can publicly name and shame them!) never seems to have regular cream. Thickened cream, low fat cream, double dolloping cream, sour cream, creme fraiche - you name it. When all I want is bloody regular cream....I've lost count of how many times it happens. WTF?

meg said...

I need to get more sleep, because I was contemplating your last analogy and mixing up "sugar in the bowl" with "junk in the trunk," and couldn't figure out how it was you needed to lose five pounds *and* have more junk in your trunk, as it were. But I'm hip to your jive now.

Plaidley said...

#1. Get a set of 30 db sound reduction headphones. It's a lost cause.

#7. After Macy's took over Meier & Frank's here in Oregon, the downtown flagship store caught fire. They need to heed the sign.

#11. Hunt down the butter hoarders in your neighborhood. Leave their margarine smeared bodies at the feet of the Subway Guy. Tell him they're offerings just for him.

Anonymous said...

This ought to get you good and pissed, as if you aren't already:
http://www.lptrixie.com/
The site isn't even up yet, but I already hate their guts, too.
I wish you luck with Stephen Fry. You'd be such a cute couple.

marie in florida said...

a need a little Franklin humor in my daily grind, thanks for helping with that...

Sarah said...

You forgot #15 - More time to knit.

Kathleen said...

My son needs XS TALL! :) Go figure. You can get M, L, XL and multi-XL in Tall sizes, but try getting an XS or S in Tall sizes. The boy (he's only 16) is 6'4" and weighs in at about 140. He's a skinny butt.

So, I sympathize with the XS things...

On the butter, I am appalled on your behalf. What self-respecting grocer could run out??? Here, I buy a pound or two every time it is on sale. I don't ever want to run out (BTW, the only time I've ever seen a shortage involved two feet of snow, followed by an ice storm! :))

Mari said...

I'll trade you the trixies for the idiots running around cambridge who dont know which way harvard square or central square is, talking on their damn phones and cutting across traffic without looking.

And the Banana republic to realize that 6' females do exist and want to wear nice clothes, I'd like shirts that are actually long enough, not just pants.

Wendy Dorrel said...

Love your blog. :) I was going to suggest moving to Manhattan to solve many of your woes but someone beat me to it.

Hugs and bunnies,

Wendy

penny [aka peninah] said...

omein to 2, 3, 5 & 6 (and the others but those four are the most relevant to me & my man [we also request shoes being sold in size 8 (for him) and women's 5 (for me). ARG!! I'd also request that petite pants actually fit a petite woman in length. I'm not and never have been a 31" inseam. I don't get it. (thanks for letting me get that out)))

yes, please come to nyc !!

:)

MonicaPDX said...

Well, Nos. 10 and 11 could actually help you with Nos. 12 and 13 if you're that worried about it, but I'm afraid if I said that, you might karma me to death with a stolen Prada shoe, due to frustration from Nos. 1, 2, 5 and 14. Not to mention righteous anger. So I won't. ;)

On the other hand, re the butter: As apparently Some People are hoarding butter in your neighborhood, the next time you see more than one forlorn package at the store, grab as many as you can afford and freeze the extras. I think you can store 'em for up to six months. Not that mine ever last that long. Just watch out if Dolores finds 'em. I shudder at the thought.

janna said...

Macy's! I liked Macy's just fine before they started buying everything else up. We had Macy's here in Texas before - now we have LOTS of Macy's because we don't have Foley's anymore. My mom doesn't have Famous Barr anymore. And the State Street Marshall Field's - I had hoped those rumors that they were keeping that one Field's was true. How hard would it have been? I will be in Chicago in a couple weeks, and will have to go by to mourn, but not to buy anything. Except possibly a box of Frango mints.

CherylAnn said...

Ah. You need a little sweetness down in your soul! I've had days like that.

Thanks for keeping a blog. It's good reading.

Emy said...

Re: #2 - my cousin has the same problem. You're not the only one!

Anonymous said...

1 I get the Buddhism thing (not that this will matter a bit to you!)
2 Never mind those fitted t-shirts -boy do you look good in that vest.
3 I've met Steven, nice chap....
India

Violetsrose said...

7. New Yorkers think that if its in black then its chic - sometimes it just isn't

8. He is too busy trying to escape the clutches o my friend Linzi Desdemona

Jean said...

Franklin, I've told you before: Stephen Fry is NOT RIGHT for you.

Did you know that the concept of the "Panopticon" is explained in the current best-seller "A Short History of Tractors in Ukranian"?

Love, Jean

Sarah said...

To the Stepehn Fry fans - I once heard him saying on the radio that he'd love to have kids, and envisged a relationship with a woman where they were mostly platonic but had an 'arrangement'. He was celibate at the time, but I can remember thinking it was fine idea!

He's a delightful man Franklin, but I don't think he's right for you either (or me if it comes to that!). Not least because - A) I think he's taken at the moment, and - B) We in the UK have been treated to two very interesting TV programmes he has made on manic depression. I'm not sure that even Buddhism would give you patience the to cope with that.

Pearls Mother said...

When you and Stephen Fry declare your undying love and commitment,
Could I be a bridesmaid, along with Dolores of course
and
Could we wear baby pink chiffon frocks?
Lindy

jessie said...

Just a suggestion, but if you ate more butter (while supplies last), maybe you'd fit into a larger Gap t-shirt.

About the Jesus thing, I've got a couple of people praying for me like crazy. But it isn't helping. :-)

Kathy said...

Maybe it's too early in the morning, but I'm seriously frosted over comments that put we New Yorkers in a bad light. Push Trixies, indeed. As if we had to - they eventually fall over by themselves.

Yarngirl said...

I believe the shortage of butter is directly related to the number of show's Rachael has - someone needs to stop that woman.

Nelly Olsen said...

One addition to your list:

You need to get your tush to MN for a visit.

janine said...

On the subject of #8, do you get the quiz program QI on your side of the pond? If not see if you can get it off the BBC website. Stephen hosts it.

mc78 said...

I miss the trixie society page sooo much! I guess something new is in the works. www.lptrixie.com

In the meantime there are archives!

http://web.archive.org/web/20001017234246/www.lptrixie.com/home.asp

15. I need high quality jeans for less than $100. When did jeans hit the 3 figure mark?

mc78 said...

ugh. link didn't wrap. you can visit http://web.archive.org and search for lptrixie.com

Kim said...

I'm right there with ya about Macy's. Black awnings?? I'm boycotting the evil conglomerate that is taking the individuality out of the American marketplace.

Can't help with your other items. My market ran out of cranberries during Thanksgiving.

Kim

Anonymous said...

Your #1 was my personal #1 when I was working for my old company - I just wanted to scream "shut up already!' every single day.

You make me smile everytime that I read your blog. Thanks for all of the interesting posts:)

Anonymous said...

I don't know a thing about number 8. Maybe that's because to #3 all I can say is, one more reason not to get a TV. Numbers 1,2,6,7, yep. Number 4, move to a new car. Number 11, Oh, you didn't hear about that problem? I should bring some my next trek across. Item 10 will not help item 13. Lastly, I get the issue in #5 but my grandmother's nickname was Trixie, so go easy, OK? She was 4'11', loved a party, and looked great in a peplum. So when those gals annoy you, remember a fellow, short Chicagoan and if you are exasperated, follow her lead. Say, "For the love of Mike!" Well, maybe not as the name may cause you trouble and the particular Mike she was referencing was St. Michael, the Archangel.

Joyce Riedesel said...

I have been married for the last 36 years to a XS man. So far I have refrained from pounding to applesauce the snotty clerks who say "Have you tried the boys' department?", but as I age, my tolerance is slipping.

Bobbi said...

Have you been through the Illinois toll-way lately!?! Your butter trucks are probably in that line trying to make their way through. Sure, the pass moves things through faster...but if you want butter from us....

rams said...

I once saw Scott Hamilton (plus petite than toi) asked if his height was ever a problem. Ever the diplomat, he didn't deck the idiot interviewer; he just said "Well, the last blazer I bought had a ducky on the pocket..."

Anonymous said...

I love Stephen myself; anyone who can write a book about poetry and make it both intelligible and interesting, let alone funny, is worth stalking.

Ceallach said...

The Muslims have it right by banning proselytization..... practicing whatever you practice religiously is fine, but shaming others for not practicing what you practice should be a sin, or at least illegal.....

I love the Buddha, he's happy, serene, tranquil and walks the middle path.....more religions could walk the middle path.

Nuff Said.

christine said...

I think you need some red wine.........a lot of it.

Kate said...

"In fact, I need American retailers everywhere to acknowledge that short men without beer guts exist and require clothing."

My husband's 5'3" with 29" waist - according to him the answer is in shopping in a) Italy b)most of Asia. It's a tough life.

But while we're in the US, he has a choice of either looking like Gap-boy, or um... foreign. Since we all know 'real Americans' don't wear imported clothes, right? Must be unpatriotic or something.

Anyway, if you find any place in Chicago that isn't the Gap and does sell smaller sizes, I'd love to hear about it.

Nell said...

Amen to the Rachel Ray and Macy's issues!

State Street will never be the same.

Elisabeth said...

I agree whole-heartedly re: Macy's. Although the funeral parlor look is appropriate to the tragedy that has befallen the State St Marshall Field's.

Vicky in Vancouver said...

Maybe #4 disagrees with #13, and could help with #14.
Or he's a closet knitter & is debating whether to come out to you or not.

Gaugina said...

And I need a dose of your blog every day. Thanks!

Sneaksleep said...

I am totally with you on the clothes (no, not all women with a bust also have a belly to match), as well as the Buddhism, the butter, and the sugar. And the 5 lbs. Except for me it's more like 15 (despite my comment about the clothes).

Anne said...

You're wonderful, Franklin. Life would be so much duller without you. As for Stephen Fry, he could probably do with meeting you as he suffers from manic depression. In the unlikely event that I am ever in a position to mention you to him, I shall do so gladly.

David said...

Awright you, come over here...

Anonymous said...

Maybe try American Apparel? I'm an odd size too and their stuff looks good on everyone I've seen wear it.

jodi said...

With the advent of cellular phones, I didn't think anyone bothered to yell from one room to another anymore. I have watched people at my university talk on the phone to someone who is a 30-second walk away. And sat on the bus next to a sorority girl who is chatting away with her girlfriend, who is on the sidewalk next to the bus we are on. "Oh, I love your shoes!". Gack.

I had a woman on my bus last year like your subway guy. She would always sit as near to me as possible and stare, unblinking, the whole way to campus. Moving to a place I can bike to work from solved that problem.

Laurie (Moo!) said...

Maybe Rachael Rae (what with all of that free time on her hands) can take your boots to the Boot Guy. AND she can churn you some butter (there must be instructions in one of her 48 books).

That will give you time to walk the extra 3 blocks to the grocer and help you with #13. Is there a reason that it was #13?

Becca P. said...

#1. You think butter is hard, try finding arugla in Chicago. I went to four stores the other day and couldn't find any. FOUR!

#2. I actually pushed (well, actually, sharply elbowed and then squeezed past) a baggy-pant-wearing-escalator-hogging-teenage-hood-sporting jerk out of my way yesterday so I could make a train. He called me a bitch, but I got on and he didn't. Ha.

#3. I sigh a happy sigh because no one yells office to office where I now work, with my own walls and door, where they close two hours early sometimes just because the receptionist is tired of answering the phone...

#4. They don't make shirts for tall men without beer guts either. They only come in lumberjack or obese lumberjack.

Anonymous said...

Oh, Franklin, sweetie, you're going to make me type words that I never thought I'd type: If I were only a man...I'd so be offering to help with #14.

(As it is, I'm a single bi chick who's just recently moved to the Land of the Straight and Married People, so I am feeling your pain. Hey, wait...do you think Dolores might want to visit Ohio again?)

Mortified that she's about to proposition a sheep,

Heather in OH

Rabbitch said...

People still talk? Like with words, and such?

Dude, you work in a weird place.

schrodinger said...

Stephen Fry is funny as hell, don't get the sexy aspect though (maybe I'm just too [stiff upper lip] British).

Second the Rachael Ray thing, and feel for you on the subway guy thing.

I'm sad for you on the butter (although I don't like it, I think its so sad that you run out of anything).

Now my drunkeness is sadly revealing my lack of personality.

Jeanne said...

How ironic that fashion designers believe that all women ARE short and flat-bellied and love to wear teensy, clingy midriff-baring shirts made of a scrap of fabric, yet they believe that all men are the opposite and design accordingly.

I would personally like it if an American retailer would acknowledge that tall women WITH beer guts exist and require clothing.

Wait. Here's an idea. Trade retailers. We can shop at your stores for the beergut shirts, and you can shop at ours for the XS ribbed fitted t-shirts. ;-)

Brewgal said...

A Trixie! I've just learned a new word.

The only time a store should run out of butter is the week before a major consumption holiday (the eating kind, not the TB kind).

Anonymous said...

Another plug for American Apparel*: my short skinny husband looks awesome in their T-shirts. And they're, like, socially responsible or something, too.

*Aparrell? Apparrell? Aparel? Apparrrell? Appparrel? Dang.

Linda said...

I have noticed this strange upwards creeping of menswear sizes, too, particularly in knitting patterns. My perfectly normally shaped husband, sans beargut despite his advancing years,(nothing I don't say to his face) bearly scrapes it into "small" sizes when a year ago, he was medium. Very strange and sudden.

Anonymous said...

Sadly I think the universe is arranged so that no matter what your body configuration happens to be there is nothing that fits. Be of good cheer - you'll be as cute as a button no matter what you wear.

MarQ1 said...

Macy's is owned by Federated, which is headquartered in Cincinnati, so don't blame New York.

Knitting Painter Woman said...

May all your needs be met.

Shannon said...

Hallelujah ! What a rant! Heres wishing a little steam on an XS rib shirt for you tomorrow

junior_goddess said...

Hee hee. My DH has established rules for his personal country. I think it's about time that the ruler of Habitania spoke up. And my aunt told me how odd it was to see Frango Mints sold at MACY'S.

Recommend you go to Tokyo and
1) buy undershirts. I have to warn you, they may be out of butter there.
2) Visit Yuzawaya.

Jessica said...

hehe. This made me laugh soo much! Expecially the Trixies and the Buddhist haters. :) I need to do a list like that one day!

Rocketbride said...

i *also* need stephen fry to respond to my public protestations of love. i even watch "pocoyo" just to hear his voice! but i have to admit, you have a better shot at him than i.

Kit said...

Oh Franklin, how I love your twisted wit. I snorted tea reading about your butter woes.

Lucia said...

Skirts with pockets. All of LL Bean's skirts used to have pockets. How hard can it be?

No human being wears $200 foot-mangling shoes. They are aliens from the planet Trixie.

brewerburns said...

I need my coworker to turn off the "do not disturb" button on her phone so that I don't have to yell through the wall each time she has a phone call.

kitkatknit said...

I too am pissed off at Federated. They bought out the Bon Marche chain in the Pacific Northwest and made it a friggin' Macy's. I refuse to step inside the building. The Bon had been around since 1890 in Seattle. And yes other companies had bought it over the years but it was always called the BON MARCHE.

Jena the yarn harpy said...

3. She is now on EVERY DAMN BOX of Triscuits, Wheat Thins, and every other Nabisco cracker product. Rachael Ray, grinning, holding a tray of cracker hors d'oeuvres made with whichever cracker is in that box, and her recipes on the back. Things like "2 tbsp of lemon juice, just eyeball it!" are in the ingredient lists.

Anonymous said...

#2! Chicago has got to be better than Minneapolis when it comes to outfitting short slim men. My husband wears a size S and damned if I can ever find him clothes. That's why I knit his sweaters. How come they have a plethora of stuff for short women? (moi, almost 5'2", "petite medium")?

- Deepa

noricum said...

Eating more butter might help with problem #2.

Melody said...

roflmao...great post...esp. the part about the yelling co-workers

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