Monday, November 27, 2006

Yes, And I Also Took Lessons in Sodomy

I thought at this point I'd heard every comment possible from strangers interested in my knitting. I was, as Shakespeare wrote in Cymbeline, wrongeddy-wrong-wrong.

To get back and forth to Indiana for Thanksgiving I took advantage of a fairly new bus service running from Chicago called Megabus. It's not fancy, but it's cheap (my round trip at the pricey holiday rate was $44) and convenient. There are no frills, but the parent company is British and somehow this gives one confidence.

The ride out was wholly uneventful. I had two seats to myself and knitted like mad.

On the way back, the bus was crowded and I knew I'd have somebody sitting next to me. Sure enough, just before we departed a group of three came aboard, two paperwhite preppyesque men and a woman who probably fancies herself the Hoosier Sarah Jessica Parker. The men were obviously, you know, together. The woman, I later determined, was a friend who had come along to keep things looking hetero because one of the men is presently in the military.

The few remaining seats near each other happened to be the one next to me, the one in front of that, and the one across the aisle. As they approached, I looked up and gave the first guy the friendly, noncommittal nod that means this seat is open, feel free to take it.

He recoiled visibly. The three were extremely put out at not being able to sit cheek to cheek for the ride. There were many sidelong glances in my direction. Looking back, I imagine I appeared very menacing as I wear earrings and was working on a two-color baby hat. Also, while I am technically caucasian, according to Indiana's racial standards the hint of olive in my skin means I am Kunta Kinte and that seems to be an issue for many locals.

After many mumbled negotiations they gingerly took their seats, with the first guy next to me and the woman across the aisle from him. The (whisper) boyfriend discreetly took the seat in front of us.

They were heading to O'Hare in order to catch a flight to Italy for a budget tour of the Amalfi Coast. I know this, and everything else about their plans, because with the enthusiasm typical of traveling crackers they talked it over endlessly and loudly. The fellow next to me rode on half his seat, the further half. Somewhere along the way we hit a bump and my ball of Patons bounced over and touched his thigh. He jumped as if stung.

After three hours of discussing Whether One Ought to Tip Italian Waitresses and Why We Absolutely Must Go the Blue Grotto, we pulled into Chicago. They planned to take the El from Union Station to O'Hare, and the woman said that this should take about twenty minutes, leaving just enough time to check in and clear security.

Their discomfiture was unbounded when the guy sitting behind them spoke up and said, "That's going to be a forty-minute ride. Maybe fifty."

In desperation they started talking to the rest of us, seeking advice on alternate routes. The guy next to me asked if it would be faster to just take a cab. I told him probably not, and wished him luck. (I hate rushing to the airport and don't wish it on anybody else, not even Log Cabin Republicans.) I made reassuring noises and told them international security at O'Hare is usually pretty quick.

The men were still looking at me as though I might try to lick them, but the woman was positively chatty now that the ice was broken. As we waited for the crowd to move forward, she asked about my knitting.

"I noticed you were making some pretty fancy stuff," she said.

"It's fun, not that difficult," I said. "You just have to know one or two things about what to do when the colors change."

"Oh, I see," she said, brightly. "Now, did you learn to do that in prison?"

219 comments:

1 – 200 of 219   Newer›   Newest»
Liz said...

Um.....HUH?

Oh PLEASE tell me you had a snappy come back to that little chestnut.

Susan said...

Isn't traveling fun? Now see what you woulda missed had you not spent the holiday weekend with the folks in Hoosierland? I know you just can't wait to do it again!

Anonymous said...

OMG - I almost spit coffee on my laptop here at work.

I can't even tell them what I am laughing about.

What did you say to her?

Anonymous said...

Okay, I volunteer in a prison and yes, they do have knitting classes there. But jeez ... suggesting that to a stranger is beyond the pale! Your title is pretty snappy as far as comebacks go. Did you say it out loud, or is that just between us?

Rosi G. said...

You have GOT to be farkin kidding me!! Is that woman out of her mind?

You could've told her that you were praictically foced to become gay while being someone's prag while in prison ala Beecher in Oz (HBO) and then proceeded to explain to her that Miss Sally taught knitting every week to all of the unfortunates (or fortunate, depending...).

Aidan said...

Turkey sandwhich...all over the keyboard.

You are the person I know LEAST likely to go to prison. Not that I think you are innocent...you just wouldn't get caught!

I've got to remember that one. hoo. Prison. That's priceless.

Patricia said...

You could have said, "It ain't braggin' if its true, I am known far and wide as "The Panopticon" ".
Gee, and I thought we had the cracker monopoly down south.

Mary Peed said...

PLEASE tell us you answered her with the title of this post.

Carla said...

I think you must be pulling our collective legs!

That Laurie said...

Priceless. Absolutely priceless. And now I get the title of the post, so I laughed twice as hard.

And there is more to the story; I can tell because of the extra details about the threesome. Perhaps one of her friends bopped her over the head???

mc78 said...

Maybe it was the biker boots. Anyway, I'm sure it was consoling to know they missed their flight.

roggey said...

LMAO, PRISON! LOL

Andrea Rusin said...

She said WHAT???!!!!

Sure, it's well-known that the ONLY place to learn knitting (for men to learn knitting?) is in jail.

Sheesh.....

Anna Marie said...

They say ignorance is bliss - - I say ignorance is ignorance.

Knowing you through your blog, I am sure you handled it with grace and dignity.... lessons that should be learned by many more.

Hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving in spite of this.

Anonymous said...

People can be so ignorant, judgemental, and closeminded sometimes. Damn, I hope you had a great comeback for the little chit!

amy [Knitty] said...

dayum! perhaps that belongs on a t-shirt?

"yes, I learned to knit in prison"

i'd wear it!

CatBookMom said...

Oh. My. Gods. Please tell us that you zinged her but good. This is a perfect WWDS (What Would Dolores Say) moment.

Melissa said...

Wow. Imagine what she would have thought of you if were knitting LACE. Gasp!!

I guess Martha Stewart made anything possible.

Inky said...

LOL! I love that story - it's got to be the best ever.

Just to share, recently the hubs and i were scouting out new cats and were at the adoption spot in Petsmart. The volunteer was directing us to the Animal Shelter, where they had many more cats. When I asked where the shelter was located, she said, "it's by the mental hospital. You know where that is, right?"

Hubs and I just stared at each other, wondering which one of us looked like the crazy one.

Becky Clark said...

OY! Amazing what somebody will say to you while you're holding sharp sticks. Kudos to you for your non-violent response, I don't know if I could have been so serene.

Kathleen said...

OMG! She did not say that, did she? Brings to mind a song... "Indiana wants me, Lord, I can't go back there!" especially if she is part of the population. I just can't imagine how I would react to that.

Sarah said...

OMG, that was quite a question!

And you said??

Anonymous said...

tee-hee, pretty funny. your in new visitors when parts of your title get googled!!!

Debbie said...

HA HA HA HA!! Awesome. Please don't ever tell us what you said. I'd rather just imagine a thousand differnt scenarios on my own.

My favorite is the one where you lean over real close like you want to answer her question discreetly. She leans in, too. Then you bite her face and lean back making "fava beans and a nice Chianti" noises.

Jessica said...

Are you fucking kidding me?
I shouldn't be surprised. It was somewhere on a drive from Chicago to NY that a group of teens at a fast food restaurant repeatedly made Kung Fu movie action noises every time my (Korean-American) husband walked by them. Clearly you were the most exotic thing in IN all weekend.

Snitfit said...

I love that. Just love it. A German friend of mine once took a Greyhound from Buffalo, NY to Omaha, NE to visit me one summer. He has a thick accent and the folks on the bus were very chatty w/him, asking him all sorts of probing questions about his country of origin, when he planned on going back and then, the zinger:
Did you take the Greyhound ALL THE WAY from Germany?
He was struck speechless.
But English isn't his native language.

TheAmpuT said...

Nobody tells a story like you, Franklin.

Anonymous said...

Oh. Oh my.
"No, that's where I learned to gut people with a shiv. My biker gang taught me to knit."
...crossing Indiana off the List of Places To Visit...

Anonymous said...

PRISON??? Reminds me of my teen-aged son's mantra while dealing with the public at his very first job (at the local library)..."people are awesome...people are awesome...people are awesome..."

Darci said...

Dear Lord...I have nothing to say...just hope that they missed their flight.

AuntieAnn said...

It was in Indiana, years ago, that I went into a store while visiting a friend, in a town that I had never been to before, and was asked, no told, repeatedly by the proprietess that I had been in her store before, and I finally turned to her and said, "we all look alike, don't we?". (I'm Chinese-American.) Mean, but I was at the end of my patience.

Elemmaciltur said...

Goodness...where did she get that idea from?!

Isobel said...

Tea, all over my keyboard.

I really didn't see that question coming. People really are unbelievable.

Joy said...

Funny story, and well told as always, but those people piss me off. I hate bigotry, in any form, but it particularly pisses me off when it's queer people who are the bigots.

Judy in Indiana said...

So funny, I was not expecting that! On a list of "What not to say when trying to pick up a stanger in a bar" is the line "Wanna see the tatoo I got in prison?"

I actually use that line on people at parties, etc. Done carefully it can be a conversation starter.

I hope you told her you learned your knitting in Italy.

And that Megabus ride, pricey I think. Maybe it's a fair price for the holiday season, but you can get Indy-Chicago and vice versa for as little as $1.50.

anne marie in philly said...

SAY WHAT?

the ignorance and bigotry of SOME people...will they EVER learn?

if it were me, my reaction would have been a line from an old "far side" cartoon: "patience my ass, I think I'm gonna kill somebody!"

Kirsten said...

OMG!!! Fabulous! I did not see that coming!

Kris said...

Please tell me what you said back to her. I can't wait to hear. I can just hear Delores going all baa baa black sheep on the girl!

It is rude enough that the lady (and I use the term loosely) was actually thinking that but to go so far as to SAY IT. OMG! Apparently her mother fell a little short when it came to instilling good character and a healthy dose of manners into her "charming" daugther.

Sorry you were treated so badly but thanks for the great story.

Sorka said...

oooh do we get to play guess the comeback line again? do we do we..??
Though I think there was none this time..

Safranit said...

You really need to warn people not to drink or eat while reading your posts!

I still can't believe that....

Luise said...

Omigod. I almost choked on my coffee -- several times. I know where I live, Cambridge, Mass., is hardly representative of middle America, but we have made it to the 21st century (despite all the fuss in Mass. re gay marriage). Thanks for reminding me how lucky I am -- and for keeping me laughing.

Anonymous said...

That is freaking AWESOME!!!

Thanks for sharing!

AJ said...

PRISON?!? You've got to be kidding me. Though when you're sequestered on the farm your whole life and everyone's the color of copy paper...

Please, PLEASE tell me you stabbed her with a DPN.

Lynn in Tucson said...

Me neither. REALLY not the ending I expected.

Nill illigitimi carborundum, I say....

;-)

LaurieM said...

Oh. my.

That's just...

I mean, where does she get off...

That's too funny! What on earth did you say to that?

Lone said...

WHAT!

....dinner hitting computer screen...

I've been lurking around for a quite while now, always enjoying your writing but this time you've done me in. Stuff like this can't be made up...

A big hello from Copenhagen, Denmark.

Anonymous said...

Um, yeah, because they issue sharp, pointy objects to all convicted felons.

jill said...

My immediate mental reaction to that punchline was, "Oh no she DI-unt!"

Yeesh. What an astonishing absence of class.

catmum said...

Like I always say, the crumb don't fall far from the cracker.

kmkat said...

I have born-again relatives living in IN. I'm pretty sure none of them were your busmates, but then again...

twig said...

OMG. She didn't really ask that, did she?

*laughing hysterically*

no-blog-rachel said...

Oh.my.god.

Funny in a way but at the same time I'm left feeling a bit nauseous.

The Purloined Letter said...

And WHAT IS WRONG with learning to knit in prison?! Some of the best of us learned there....

Perhaps it had more to do with her pop-culture idiocy about fiber arts than anything else. I mean, really, if Martha Stewart only learned to crochet when she went to prison...?

Vicky in Vancouver said...

OMG, how incredibly rude of her. Plus, it's quite an off-the-wall idea in the first place. Yeesh.

ted said...

Nearly tea all over the keyboard.

Well, at least she didn't ask

[perky tone of voice] "Are you learning to knit?" [/perky tone of voice]

Perhaps you look a lot more butch and menacing than you think you do?

angie cox said...

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO......tell me you dreamed that .Then again as I'd like to do volunteer work in a Prison one day soon ( reading) it's given me an idea. rosi Gsaid it so much better.

Snarled Yarns said...

only two things to say..1 Don't you wish you had an i pod? and 2...Honey, it's Indiana. What did you expect? Even Kentucky makes fun of Indiana!

angie cox said...

There you go again someone stole my "tell me" you old felon you !

jessie said...

That is the funniest thing I have heard in weeks. Everyone knows inmates prefer crochet.

Ryan said...

My mouth could not be gaping any wider. I kid you not. I'm sitting at my desk, mouth wiiiiide open with astonishment and horror. Doesn't she realize that YOU were the one teaching the OTHER prisoners how to knit?

mlj1954 said...

Isn't it amazing that there are sooo many freakishly stupid people that function in the real world. Amazing. Absolutely amazing. And, crap, they are going to Italy! What a great representation they will be. Hopefully , they won't open their mouths.

junior_goddess said...

Bwahhahahahaha! Your happy ass was wearing hunter's blaze orange, wasn't it????? And they confused it with the penal jumpsuit?
Must be your shaved head and swarthy good looks. Sure you didn't draw some tats on with your mom's eyeliner?

Mwahhh!

jillian said...

Oh. my. goodness. As a native Hoosier, let me express my heartfelt apologies and complete lack of surprise at this utter midwestern crackerism. I laughed especially heartily at your Kunta Kinte reference. It's funny because it's true. And all this reminds why I moved the heck out (to LA, as it happens)! If we are ever on the same bus, I am so plopping right down next to you - with my knitting!

Cortster said...

Bless you, that was a beaut! It's really embarrassing to be sitting here giggling madly to myself at work. I should know better than to read your blog at work but I just can't help it.

Italy is just going to LOVE this little crew of tourists. If I read about three people being bludgeoned and left for dead somewhere in Italy, I'll know who and why.

Seriously though, what *did* you say in answer?

Marlena said...

Best. Knitting question. Ever. Oh, if only I could look menacing while knitting a baby hat.

Seriously, that's some feat.

Will Pillage For Yarn said...

WOW. That is just... Oh my.

Mouth is agape. Please tell me you had some kind of pithy comeback to that. I'd have had one about four blocks later (don't you hate that?) and been tempted to hunt them down at the airport just to deliver it.

Then again, that's why you have a blog. You can deliver it ALL OVER TEH INTERNETS.

You win.

Anonymous said...

Note to self, soda going up nose from laughter is uncomfortable.

What is so bizarre is that she was the decoy third wheel, and yet so dim as to say that.

Actually, my quilt guild teaches quilting at the state pen (and the inmates donate the quilts to charity), but not one of us would have so little class as to ask that to a male who was KIPping or QIPping. And that includes the blue haired ladies and the lady in our guild who is well known for her lack of people skills.

It must be the bald leather look that gets people going to the gutter in their minds. And it must be a total lack of upbringing that allowed that comment to fly out of her mouth without editing.

Anonymous said...

OMG... that is, unfortunately, a laugh out loud moment.

Make you really proud to be an American doesn't it? I worry about the future of humanity.

erin/pinkerbell said...

HA HAHAHAHAHA!!! oh I don't even know what to say. Not all of us Hoosiers are that ignorant, I swear.

Mary B said...

You really can tell a story well. I hope you run into more and more of these odd folks, Franklin, 'cuz you know just what to do with the encounters. I love that you share these with us. Thanks again for making my day. Mary in Seattle

Cheryl said...

I hate these people are allowed driver's licenses.

Oh I would have answered -- "no, my dear, murdered mother taught me"! HEH HEH HEH!" Then under my breath I would have whispered "god I hated that woman".

witchpoo said...

Ohmagawd that was too hilarious! I'm still whiping the coffee off the computer screen... that should have come with a spew warning. ROFLMAO

Sandra said...

Note to self: Stop reading Franklin at work. Explaining the snort of laughter is one thing, but then showing them the title of the post, well, I'm being given a wide berth today! Please tell me you smacked her upside the head!

Ramona said...

That story reminds me of the first time I met my husband's grandmother. In a attempt to find some common gound with me she let me know with a smile on her face, "that her gardener was also mexican".

Susie said...

I would have mugged her on the spot, using the needles as a weapon.

Prison indeed.

Carol said...

She. Did. Not.

judy said...

Surely now you have enough stories to write the book.

Beyond comprehension.

Lanea said...

Oh holy crap, what a ridiculous thing to say.

Anonymous said...

That's completely hilarious, in the awful, "can't believe anyone could be so tacky" way.

Not all of us in Indiana are that bad, though, I promise.

I always just figured you learned to knit in juvie.

Anonymous said...

She did not?! I hope you really said, "Yes, and I also took lessons in sodomy."

Anonymous said...

OMG. These people are cartoons!!! Great. They're going to be representing Americans in Europe. That's all we need.

MonicaPDX said...

Trust you, Franklin, to end a post with something so out of left field it leaves us helpless. Don't you just wonder where the hell you got the talent for attracting such nimrods? Effing hilarious, but judas priest, that woman needs-- Well, it's hard to choose, there are so many options!

Just think of how her horizons may be widened in Italy.... (Kunta Kinte. Snort.)

Yarngirl said...

Wow, it's true - there really are some things that money can't buy - like a BRAIN? This would make am most excellent Mastercard Commercial

Bus Ticket - $44

Learning to Knit in Prision - Priceless.

LisaK said...

OMG!

"No, I couldn't quite see well enough from the visitor's side of the fence"

"Gee.... when's the baby due? You hardly even look very pregnant..."

Anonymous said...

I'm speechless. But I really hope you used the sodomy comeback.

Anonymous said...

Wow!! Sometimes the only possible answer is a jaw on the floor with a look of, you couldn't possibly have just asked me that. Might not have made her squirm just then, but hopefully it would have later.

Spinning Dervish said...

Ok, I have to delurk long enough to say that I think I've met this woman! Wait... I think I'm related to her!

Having lived in Indiana for far too many years, you'll understand when my partner and I often explain our move to Minnesota as having "escaped" Indiana.

Anonymous said...

oh my god. you run into the most interesting people.

mk said...

Well, bless their little hearts.

Liz said...

That's hilarious. You should have told her that Martha Stewart taught you.

Donna in Virginia said...

OK, that definitely wins the prize for ignorance!

otter said...

OMG, people are right, you should issue a no food or drink warning, coffee up my nose.
I am so grateful to be living on the left coast!!

David said...

How long did it take them to remove your needles from her eye sockets?

Linda said...

Unbelievable! Now please tell us
1-what you said and
2-what you wish you said!

Lone said...

Oh, I just remembered one thing. You said these people were going to the Amalfi coast. Any chance they mentioned going to Naples? Because then they might just get into some real trouble considering how stupid they sound...

Michelene said...

The Hoosier Sarah Jessica Parker? Did she have a Prada Nascar jacket?

Melissa said...

OMG that is hysterical!!!!!

Grace said...

(I'm de-lurking to say...)
whatwhatWHAT? I thought she was going to say something weird about men knitting or gay men, but that is just bizarre!

Wasn't it in Indiana where Krys from http://queerknits.blogspot.com/ walked into a LYS to buy sock yarn and the owner called the cops because she thought he was going to rob her? Sheesh.

Thanks for the laugh!

Linda in Maine said...

OK that's it, you are now off my SFW list. I can't be hooting with laughter randomly during the day, so from now on you are an evening read.

You sure can spin a yarn, mate! (pun intentional) Loved it.

Angela said...

I am just speechless. I can't believe someone could be that stupid.

Sean said...

no she didn't say that? That's terrific!

Joanne said...

And I thought all the ignorant crackers were here in Virginia!

Norie said...

Sweetie, all ya can do in situations like that is raise your eyebrows a bit and say, "Ah, so that's where I recognize you from"
Perhaps not grammatically correct, but.....

Isela: Purling Sprite said...

Oh my....please tell us what was your response. Crazy things people say!

knittykitty said...

No. At HARVARD, bitches.

Paisley said...

too funny! But how rude. Lots of sailors used to knit - I don't suppose they get that in basic training at the Marines now though.

Janice in GA said...

The only possible answer is "Why yes, I did. Is THAT where I know you from??"

:D

Deborah in Maryland, USA said...

nuh-uh!!!

I'm more apt to believe you have a talking sheep living with you than that story!! That is truly unbelievable.

Also, had to comment on your essay on Cast On this week. Crosspatch! I could totally relate. I'm now ready to unlock the door and let the kids back in.

Anonymous said...

I usually lurk, but that deserves a comment!! WHAT????

Anonymous said...

Not in Indiana, but in New York...

The judge performing the marriage ceremony for (pretty much caucasian) me and my AsianAmerican husband--"I once married an interacial couple." (He didn't look all that kinky.)

Old lady observing my kids at the playground--"Where did you get them?" (I was dumbstruck, but later realized she thought they were adopted.)

Me, when a receptionist questioned my Chinese surname--"I've had extensive plastic surgery." (I still feel bad; I'm sure she didn't deserve that.)

While I didn't learn to knit in prison, I did teach several boarding school friends--seemed prison-like enough.

Jude in obscureknitty

idyllicchick said...

I can't wait to use that line! =)

Chris said...

Heh, Franklin's secret past revealed!

Anonymous said...

I've never actually howled at a blog post before...too, too funny...what the hell...

But I feel for you; I know the Hoosier ways. I went to a small religious liberal arts college in NW Indiana that, no joke, when it was up on the aution block waaaay back, was nearly bought by the KKK. The Lutherans bought it instead...although, some days I found myself wondering....and then for a while whilst in college I worked as an EMT, and met the townies, and then I was truly, truly afraid.

You're welcome to sit next to me on the bus any time, Franklin. Even the bus to prison.

Lee Ann said...

I can't decide if that's hilariously funny, appalling, or both.

So, now that you've had a well-rounded education, I take it that if you do ever decide to give knitting lessons, your curriculum will be quite diverse in the "what to do with your hands" department. Cool.

Beth said...

[facepalm]

As a life-long Hoosier, I will take a moment to apologize for the juvenile behavior of your traveling "companions."

Hoosier knitters are much cooler than that.

FiberQat said...

I'm floored. Hope she isn't breeding. Her contribution to the gene pool isn't needed. Hope you winked at soldier boy.

Sean said...

Incredible. I believe you, but it's still incredible.

Mel said...

Crackers, indeed.

I'm passing this along to David. He's also had some recent encounters with Indianans. He won't be surprised.

Knitaddicted said...

Did you learn that in Prison???

You smacked her after that, right? Oh she totally deserved it. I know retired log truck drivers and bankers who joyfully knit for their grandchildren - NONE of them have ever been in prison. Well, I'm not so sure about the banker-guy.....

OceanKnitter said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
OceanKnitter said...

(Fixed my url ... )
Cell Block A Crochet Club
http://tinyurl.com/ylzhvg

Scoutj said...

Oh no she DIDN'T!

PuppyMomma said...

OMG! The title alone almost made me blow a snot bubble, but did you reach over and lick one of the guys after she said that?!? WTF!

angie cox said...

Jude...she did deserve that ...we ( anglo/afro-carib . couple) still get the odd shop assistant say "oh you are together" .Now we have a daughter who is pinkish but with afro hair and features they catch on faster.It's weird cos this town is pretty much a haven of mixed race couples. Thank goodness for the Japanese Uni. we now have cos it's increased the level .I don't think anyone looks like an ex-convict though do they? I mean a stereotype might be our milkman but otherwise nope .

Heather said...

Part of me is HOPING you made that up....and the other part of me isn't. Is that bad?? Did you laugh at her? OMG, I wish I'd been there! You dear, dear not scary looking man, why do people say such things to you?

Megabus Rox! I used them like a cheap whore while in the UK. They get poor students from point A to B without robbing them blind. Hooray for MegaBus in the U S and A!

Heather said...

Oh yeah, i saw the title of the post and my eyes lit up, a smile slowly melting across my face... you give such good blog. You always satisfy, never disappoint!

Freecia said...

Please, as if you would lick one of those guys. Stupidity catches, you know.

All those etiquette books... Don't you wish someone else would crack one open occasionally? Or take it upside the head?

Anonymous said...

*snorfle!*

Prison? Right. Because that's where all the best knitters go... Knitting Camp in Cell Block D.

Sue said...

Franklin,

Just remember "Stupid is as stupid does"....Let's just hope that she is not able to bear offspring that would perpetuate that attitude. One of my favorite sayings is "Should have been shot at birth" Than definetly applies to Little Miss Sarah Jessica....Sad thing is she does not even realize how truly obnoxious she is. Love your writing and drawing.

Sue

Maggie said...

I have to say I'm with Beth... Indiana knitters are much cooler than that. I was born and raised in Indiana and it's hardly fair to malign an entire state...although I'm sure I'm biased, having lived in the "bluest" pockets of this red state. But it's not just here - there are people that rude and that ignorant everywhere.

Diane said...

Thanks for the laugh. I'll be giggling at inappropriate times all day every time i think of this.

David said...

Great. Now I'm going to suddenly think of that in front of a class full of students today and burst into sudden unexplicable laughter while I'm trying to teach the circle of fifths.

Thanks, Franklin. Thanks so much.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go get a tissue. I have tears running down my face from laughing too hard....

Elspeth said...

I once I had a professor who told me that since I was so domestically inclined (as indicated, no doubt, by my knitting in class) that I should drop out of school and have babies. I knit him a single sock and turned it in with my final. In hindsight, this may not have been the smartest thing I ever did, but it certainly was satisfying. (also, I hope you stuck your needles in the strumpet; she deserved it!)

BrooklynMom said...

That's going to be my response from now on: "where did I learn to knit? Oh, in prison." Nearly spit out my coffee!!

Tom said...

I'm gonna use that line today. I'm heading out to the Smiley's Yarn sale here in Manhattan, and it never fails that I'm asked by some older matron, where I learned to knit. "In prison", will be the best comeback ever.

Thanks for this great post.

Anonymous said...

"No -- the mental hospital. But don't worry, I'm allowed to have sharp pointy objects now as long as I remember to take my medication."

Sheesh.

Another Stephanie said...

Dear Franklin,
I just want to thank you for your blog, your sense of who you are and your sense of humor. You may have been put forth as a best gay blog, but I say, remove the qualifier. You keep me laughing and that is a good thing. Thanks again and keep it up. (I am just imagining the whole scene in my mind. Even without the comment, it is pretty funny, but that is really the icing. She probably thought she was being so . . . correct.)

Rabbitch said...

The family is asleep. I am NOT supposed to be sitting back here making unladylike noises like that.

chandra said...

What the .....????

NO FREAKIN' WAY!!!!

Anonymous said...

I spent three LONG years in Indianapolis teaching the fine young people of the Hoosier state (Hoosier... as in Who's your daddy). I believe every word you've written.

YetAnotherHeather said...

Very few things leave me speechless. Even several hours after first reading this entry, it still does the trick.

Anonymous said...

You're wonderful! I would love to sit next to you on a bus ride!

Anonymous said...

OMG - I can picture exactly what she looked like when she said it, too. As a native Hoosier, sometimes I get homesick and wonder if I should move back home. Then I read a story like that and thank my lucky stars I got out when I did.

Anonymous said...

I can only hope they missed their plane.

doulicia said...

sweet.

I am laughing so hard!

I never knew Indiana was so parochial.

Nelly Olsen said...

Having taken and exceeded at such lessons, are you now able to give? I could use a refresher.

Anonymous said...

I have to go clean myself up, now. Is laughter supposed to hurt this bad?

The worst part is, I'm probably related to these people.

marie in florida said...

kind of like the frog on a wheeled pallet rolling his way out of the kitchen, that's not funny; that's sick.
so, why am i laughing?
hugs to you, dear one

Anonymous said...

Just try to imagine the mess this country might be in if we weren't all so good at judging people by appearances!

I'm going to imagine traffic was really snarled and international security at O'Hare was terribly bogged down that day.

Anonymous said...

I did not see that one coming. I have diet A & W root beer all over the monitor. You are priceless when it comes to delivering a line. Plleeeeeeeze tell us you had a come back for her ignorant ears.

Heather said...

Nelly! Lessons in what???? Knitting or.... ?

Carrie S. said...

We can only hope that someday, somehow, she reads this blog. Maybe she knows someone who knits and can point it out to her...

Actually, now that I think about it, I believe I understand what happened: to that sort of person, knitting is not something a man (any man) would do unless coerced, right? And knitting is the kind of thing someone who's seen Demolition Man and Oz one too many times might believe they teach guys in prison to keep them quiet, occupied, and nonviolent.

But as Gollum might say, "The stupid! It burnssss usss..."

Cara said...

rotfl, good thing I wasn't eating.

This is why, living in Indiana, I tag myself Cara in exile.

One day the bank cashier here in Indy asked me what the ethnic origin of my name is, since I am very white but my last name is, well, exotic. When I told her it was Polish, but without an identifying -ski on the end, she said "oh, I just knew it wasn't American". Since my fathers family has lived in the US since the 1850's, and are pretty thouroughly American, I was caught between stunned and offended.

Cara in Exile

Carol said...

Oh no she didn't!!!! What did you say after picking your jaw up from the floor?

tb said...

PRISON!?!?!?!?!?! WTH?
And this is precisely why I, a black woman, won't move to the Midwest.

You're a good man Franklin Habit!

Sandee Yo! said...

Uhhh, yeah.

Traveling crackers...*snort*!

Mairi said...

::jaw drop::

carma said...

Heh!

Silly girl... particularly given her "arrangement".

Hey!!! dk went to school in my hometown (literally), sadly that is the "bend" of some folks from Indiana... But thankfully not all ; )

filambulle said...

I can not believe it!
I can NOT believe it! at all!

what did you do?

Beverley said...

Too funny... not prepared for that one.

Rosane said...

Franklin,

You're kidding, right? Oh, my! Scary and very sad.

Tell us how you reacted, please. Did you respond with the post's title?

Rosane.

Rhea said...

So much for a woman's intuition eh?

Maybe (?) she hasn't caught on about her "boyfriends."

Thanks for sharing!


Alternative answer: "I knew you looked familiar, nice job on the sex change!"

Tallguy said...

OMG!

I'm stunned!! First I read the entry by the Harlot of Nov 29, and then yours. What's happening to our world?? I think I had better stay in for the next several days.

Mhairi said...

Does George W Bush have a sister by chance?
It makes achange to "My Granny used to knit!" etc. etc.

Are you sure you're not Stephen Fry in disguise ???
I love what you write - its makes me laugh out loud , and I'm a dour presbyterian.
Well its true what they say - none so queer as folk!

Knitting Painter Woman said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Knitting Painter Woman said...

"Traveling crackers." That's it exactly. Waverly wafers? NOT Ritz.
My DD helped with the Philly Macy's parade. She and her cousins were in charge of the inflated Oscar the Grouch.

Kristin said...

okay two things: I have never heard of a ball of yarn, especially patons, stinging anyone... and secondly were you wearing an orange jump suit because I think that is the only thing to warrent that woman's conclusion about you learning anything in prison... seriously, what the hell! Why is it that a girl knitting would be asked if their grandmother taught them and a man would be asked if they were taught in prison... or if their girlfriend taught them... which is the question my boyfriend usually gets. It's kind of funny because he gets to throw out the responce that he actually taught me!

Jessica said...

ah ha ha ha! Poor naive ignorant girl. At least you can laugh about it! :)

Lisa said...

oh, come ON! You must make this stuff up! I have met you before, and PRISON? Next time you take either Amtrak or this Megabus thing, draw little teardrop tattos on your cheek with a Sharpie and maybe a 4-letter word across your knuckles.

(I saw this on CSI and Law & Order)

Anonymous said...

Thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing your wonderful writing with all of us. You make my day.

Anonymous said...

I am wishing you some really positive experiences in Indiana. I swear that it is a wonderful state. I wouldn't still be here if it weren't. Make it a point to get to Bloomington. We have FAB yarn stores and other things to recommend us.

Julie said...

OH.MY.GAWD!!!! That is just too funny.

Please, please, please tell us how you replied?

Miss Scarlett said...

Madness!
I am so sharing this story!

Anonymous said...

I read this days ago and still can't get over it. I really can't top that, despite having been taken for a man, gay man or even (most recently) f2m on numerous occasions... phew! Mary

Dakiwiboid said...

Your newest blog entry, the one about the dpn, doesn't seem to be all there. Did I just stumble on it in the midst of composition, or does it have bad code?

Maenwyn said...

I apologize. Please know that not all Hoosiers are so bad.

Prison? Huh? Rude, even for a red-neck.

Sarah said...

Oh lord that touched home in a strange way. I actually taugh a slight statured, olive skinned gay man friend to knit so he'd ave something to do in prison. I kid you not.

Lulu said...

Hehehe...Prison. I live in the most liberal city in all of Indiana, and when I venture outside the city limits I feel like a freak. You should see the look of scorn I get when the crackers ask where I am from and I say "Bloomington." They call it the People's Republic of Monroe County.

MJ said...

Umm...are her headquarters is in her hindquarters? Or am I the only one who isn't sure it's necessarily a good idea to give people in prison pointy sticks?

Carmell said...

DAYUM!!!!
now that isn't even funny... i mean it is but it should be. thats a dayum shame.

Mully Nex said...

ROFLMAO - this is THE BEST knitting question I've ever heard. That is just priceless

Marielle said...

O.O

I cannot believe that!

Lurker here, finished your archives and have been enjoying them. It's weird now to have to wait for another post :P

I hope you got her back but goood!

Ellen said...

Wow. Well, I'm finally convinced....the men of the knitting community really DO have it hard.
People think I'm a nerd, as a lady knitter....but as another poster said,
this is beyond the pale.
Thanks for an amazing story.

Anonymous said...

Now I know where I have me tyou before! ;-)

dragon knitter said...

i have to apologize, franklin. i've been telling this story that they were born-again christians. (every body wants to know the origin of the t-shirt, lol) the travellers to italy make much more sense.

Kathy said...

god, Franklin; how did I miss this when you posted it a year ago? Thamks for pointing it out at Ravelry, its just about the funniest thing I can imagine!!!

And also sodomy lessons...f*cking fabulous, you are!

Sleepystitcher said...

OMFG!! This is truly priceless! The nerve of some people! I just joined Ravelry and found your reference to this blog entry. I'm so glad I found it! I'm going to have to ask my son who crochets if he's ever had any strange or rude comments. I do know he does make afghans for his friends so apparently they don't think he's too strange. I don't dare imagine what a comeback he would have had.

String Bean said...

I found this post through Ravelry and I have just laughed so hard that I cried. Thanks.

Puss-in-Boots said...

What a wonderful story and told so well...I nearly wet myself laughing. I'm coming back to your blog again, ok?

How ironic, word verification is pysof...

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Sarah said...

Love your blog Franklin. I'm necroposting a bit with this comment, but I clinked on the link from your store with the prison knitting tshirts out of curiousity.

I've had some funny looks and strange questions when I, a young Australian lawyer, pull my knitting out of my handbag in the foyer of a court or on a train, but can't say I've ever had anything as bizarre as this one!

Keep it up!

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