Tuesday, November 07, 2006
Dolorocrats?
I came upstairs after voting (the lobby of my building is, conveniently, a polling station) and found the apartment in disarray.
"Dolores," I said. "Dolores, why are all the sheets and towels on the floor in the hallway?"
"We needed office space," she said. "Say, have you seen the hammer lately?"
"It's under the bathroom sink," I said. "Office space for what?"
"Comin' through," said a soft voice near my feet. "Move it or lose it."
Harry rolled past with a bunch of the other sock yarns, carrying between them a placard that read "HEADQUARTERS."
"Where are you going with that?"
The phone rang.
"Hello?"
"This is Jack at the front desk. You got a delivery here for D. Van Hoofen. Send it up?"
You will of course understand that I no longer accept deliveries to the apartment without checking them out first. Upon inspection, I found that Dolores had ordered two hundred yards of red, white, and blue bunting and fifty very small straw boaters with star-spangled ribbons.
"Dolores," I asked, not for the first time, "What the hell is going on?"
"In time of great need, my country is calling me," said Dolores. "And like Sir Francis Drake, I can but answer."
"Calling you? Calling you to what?"
"To organize. To lead. To inspire. Last night, I had a dream!"
"Oh, shit."
"Watch your mouth. It was beautiful! I was standing on a platform in the middle of Soldier Field, and there were thousands of people there, and I had a new hat, and everybody was cheering, and then a giant finger appeared in the sky and wrote DOLORES IN 2008 in flaming letters. I've never thought of myself as a political animal, but you don't have to tell me twice."
"You're running for President?"
"Well, I don't want to jump the gun, cupcake. We're in the exploratory stages. Listen, do you mind if I pull out the good bridge cloth? I have Libby Dole and some of the other girls coming over for lunch tomorrow. Hey, you okay? You look kinda green."
"It's one of my headaches coming on," I said.
"Again? You should get that checked. Hey, Harry–I need you to correct this welcome banner, she spells 'Hillary' with two Ls."
"You got it, chief. Ann Coulter is on the phone again. She's crying this time and wants to know pretty please can she come to the party?"
"Tell her to buy a box of Kleenex and remember that the restraining order is still in place."
"This is insane, Dolores," I said. "Stop and think for a minute. You're a heavy drinker. An elitist. With notoriously low morals. Related to any number of shady characters. You have no foreign policy experience. Your head is full of wool. Why on earth would anyone vote for you?"
"Who says lightning can't strike a third time?" she sniffed.
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67 comments:
Well played Franklin -well played. Good luck to you and your people this time round. Am totally glued to the boob tube watching the results
Carol lerves you, but today I lerve you first.
wehlove, love, LOVE the patriotic sheep (the graphic, not the putative presidential candidate.)
I would SO vote for Dolores over Bush. Anyone who can get a restraining order against that media whore is number 1 in my book. I assume there will be Dolores in 2008 t-shirts in your shop? Pretty please?
I feel sooooo much better about voting now.
Delores is a great idea for '08. At least she owns up to her low morals.
Had I a cap, I would doff it to you.
I LOVE Delorocrat! Surely could utilize that red, white and blue sheep graphic!
And I bet she DID have sex with that woman. (and enjoyed it!)
Who indeed says it can't strike 3 times? Go Dolores (and Franklin)!
Dolores has my vote!
Brilliant.
A slutty sheep trumps a shady Bush any day.
When are you putting up the button for campaign contributions, I've got my Mastercard in my hand....
I can't wait to see the planks in her campaign platform. Will she promise to make our wool stashes 100% tax-deductible? She could make acrylic yarns 50% deductible.
Well, we've certainly had worse choices...
franklin, my dear, you are positively a treasure. especially with this post.
and of course i would vote for dolores. being a dyed-in-the-wool sheep is at least more honest than being a dyed-in-the-wool liar.
heh, heh, heh, heh, heh.
I wish Dolores had been on the ballot in at least one race on the ballot today!
May I run as a Delegate? Imagine what fun the Dolorocratic Nation Convention would be! All the pagentry of the Democratic National Convention, but with strippers!
When are the shirts coming out.
Completely hilarious. I would totally vote for Dolores.
Inspired!
Dolores 2008 is a campaign button I would actually wear.
A lengthy lead-up to a funny punch line. It never fails to make me chuckle when Bush is the butt of a joke...even though he's such an easy target.
Please say hi to Libby for me. I've always liked her. And tell her I'm sorry to hear about Bob's ED.
Very fun!
Sign me up. It would be good to finally vote for someone because you liked them rather than they are the lesser of the evils available.
Good GAWD, Dolores!
"A flaming red finger in the sky..."
We need to start a campaign blog and calling bank right away!
::SNERK!::
::falls over::
::raises hand weakly:: I'll vote for Dolores!
::resumes hysterics::
I would SO vote for Dolores.
Even if her name does mean Pain in Spanish....
I voted before I read this, otherwise I totally would have written-in Dolores Van Hoofen for one of the races on my ballot.
So .... am I the only one who thinks a hammer under the bathroom sink is odd?
After standing in the voting booth for about 6 minutes today trying to decide which was the lesser of the evils being presented in some of my election choices - I would vote for Delores in a NY Minute. At least I know that she likes her booze, and is a loose sheep, and has shady connections and a head full of wood - the only minor hold-up on clicking that button is her welcome banner for Hillary.
finally, someone running for high office who resembles (some of) us!
move over, sanctimonious redumblican twits [a tip o' the cap to queerjoe], cause dolores is about to give you a run for your money! compared to some of them, dolores is a virginal saint!
where do I sign up? can I put a campaign sign on my front lawn?
anne marie in philly
I don't know if it's a sign for Dolores, but Sen. Rick Santorum, R, in Pennsylvania got his behind beat AND the Pick 3 lottery number was 666.
Sign me up for the Dolorocrats. Momma, I'm coming home.
Llinn
Love your blog. I want a Dolorocrat bumper sticker with the patriotic sheep on it.
I sooo want a t-shir that says "Dolorcrat and proud of it!" on the back and a stars and stripes sheep on the front....I'd wear it proudly **grins**
*laugh* Love it.
The nation's savior or our ultimate downfall? Either way, I'm sure it would provide fodder for a generation of political science PhD theses.
At any rate, it looks as though your brother-in-law has handily won re-election. Well done, him.
Bumper sticker, bumper sticker, bumper sticker!!
Oh dear, dear Franklin -- that was inspired! Each entry makes me treasure you more ---
If I can't come work Delores' campaign, can I send a couple representatives from my stash?
Dolores has my vote. Not that that would count for much since I'm a Canadian and thus can't vote in American elections. Maybe she has a Canadian sister that could run here against Harpie (aka Bush Light)?
Damn you're funny. Does Delores have any campaign promises?
Note to Dolores: make knitting related purchases tax deductible and you've got my vote.
Too funny! I'd vote for her in a heartbeat; she couldn't possibly be any worse than what we've had the last 20 years.
My only question is, will Dolores admit to being over 35 years old, in order to be a legal candidate?
Brilliant, again, Franklin. Thank you for sharing your wit with us.
Rosane.
I'd love to know if my state, Virginia, is a red, blue, or wool state :)
That's it. I'm packing my bags and moving to Chicago so I can have coffee with you once a week. In a totally non-stalker way, of course.
Coffee. Out the nose. Again.
Go Dolores! I'm curious ... what is her position on bioshearing and wool production in this country? Ovine rights? Is she a proponent of fiber festivals?
Dolores can come live with me if she'll lead the campaign to give ol' Arnold the boot, and run for Govenor. I can't believe Californian's are so stupid to re-elect him. They must have been the same people that voted for Bush both times. I'm thinking we need a good earthquake to shake things up and scare these idiots from California!
I'm stiiilll laughing! Yea Delorocrats. I detest bumper stickers, but I would make an exception for Delores ;-)
You are a naughty monkey.
I would love it if you made the graphic into a t-shirt. I am definitly a Delorocrat
Dolores has my vote! At least she would not be trying to shove this "protect the marriage" crap down people's throats!
Sheep Power!
You may have started something. I should be Stateside in time to vote in 2008. It's nice to know I'll have a good write-in candidate should I not care for the evils before me.
HAHAHAHAHAHA !!!!!
I'd vote for Dolores over a Clinton in a minute! What's one more sex scandal in the White House? GO Dolores!
The first thing I noticed was that her flaming letters were in red. Well, flames do tend to be red, after all. Still, she's not getting my vote, even if she would be an improvement over what we've got now.
If you don't get an impressive book offer within a month, there is simply no justice or wisdom in the world, and my suspicions are confirmed.
You're the brightest kind of funny there is.
P.S. Make sure to read Dan Savage's columns, if you haven't, to find the definition of "santorum," the lower case neologism.
But how, oh how, will the Dolorocrats respond to the vicious attack ads being put out by those nasty Sheepublicans?
Have you ever considered writing comedy for the BBC ! (perhaps you should get together with Mr Fry, the humour would knock us out!)
Bless you child - I was miserable and ye made me laugh!!!
Dolores can win this one. I believe it. All she has to do is profess her love of Jesus and she's got it made.
Franklin, you've got a beautiful mind. You need a job where you can just do the stuff you love and nothing else. You're sooooo talented. I can't understand how it can be possible that you don't have thousands of job offers coming in through your blog. There's something wrong with this world.
If you assign numbers from 1-16 starting with Key West and then use a random number from any of the online generators, you won't have to worry about hurting yourself with a dart. I tried it for you and the winning number was 12: Amsterdam!
Bumper sticker ! (thanks)
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