Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Dolorocrats?

Political Animals

I came upstairs after voting (the lobby of my building is, conveniently, a polling station) and found the apartment in disarray.

"Dolores," I said. "Dolores, why are all the sheets and towels on the floor in the hallway?"

"We needed office space," she said. "Say, have you seen the hammer lately?"

"It's under the bathroom sink," I said. "Office space for what?"

"Comin' through," said a soft voice near my feet. "Move it or lose it."

Harry rolled past with a bunch of the other sock yarns, carrying between them a placard that read "HEADQUARTERS."

"Where are you going with that?"

The phone rang.

"Hello?"

"This is Jack at the front desk. You got a delivery here for D. Van Hoofen. Send it up?"

You will of course understand that I no longer accept deliveries to the apartment without checking them out first. Upon inspection, I found that Dolores had ordered two hundred yards of red, white, and blue bunting and fifty very small straw boaters with star-spangled ribbons.

"Dolores," I asked, not for the first time, "What the hell is going on?"

"In time of great need, my country is calling me," said Dolores. "And like Sir Francis Drake, I can but answer."

"Calling you? Calling you to what?"

"To organize. To lead. To inspire. Last night, I had a dream!"

"Oh, shit."

"Watch your mouth. It was beautiful! I was standing on a platform in the middle of Soldier Field, and there were thousands of people there, and I had a new hat, and everybody was cheering, and then a giant finger appeared in the sky and wrote DOLORES IN 2008 in flaming letters. I've never thought of myself as a political animal, but you don't have to tell me twice."

"You're running for President?"

"Well, I don't want to jump the gun, cupcake. We're in the exploratory stages. Listen, do you mind if I pull out the good bridge cloth? I have Libby Dole and some of the other girls coming over for lunch tomorrow. Hey, you okay? You look kinda green."

"It's one of my headaches coming on," I said.

"Again? You should get that checked. Hey, Harry–I need you to correct this welcome banner, she spells 'Hillary' with two Ls."

"You got it, chief. Ann Coulter is on the phone again. She's crying this time and wants to know pretty please can she come to the party?"

"Tell her to buy a box of Kleenex and remember that the restraining order is still in place."

"This is insane, Dolores," I said. "Stop and think for a minute. You're a heavy drinker. An elitist. With notoriously low morals. Related to any number of shady characters. You have no foreign policy experience. Your head is full of wool. Why on earth would anyone vote for you?"

"Who says lightning can't strike a third time?" she sniffed.

71 comments:

Jen said...

Well played Franklin -well played. Good luck to you and your people this time round. Am totally glued to the boob tube watching the results

Selma said...

Carol lerves you, but today I lerve you first.

Lise said...

wehlove, love, LOVE the patriotic sheep (the graphic, not the putative presidential candidate.)

Anonymous said...

I would SO vote for Dolores over Bush. Anyone who can get a restraining order against that media whore is number 1 in my book. I assume there will be Dolores in 2008 t-shirts in your shop? Pretty please?

Anonymous said...

I feel sooooo much better about voting now.

Delores is a great idea for '08. At least she owns up to her low morals.

Rachel H said...

Had I a cap, I would doff it to you.

Nancy J said...

I LOVE Delorocrat! Surely could utilize that red, white and blue sheep graphic!

Cheryl said...

And I bet she DID have sex with that woman. (and enjoyed it!)

DeanB said...

Who indeed says it can't strike 3 times? Go Dolores (and Franklin)!

witchpoo said...

Dolores has my vote!

Carol said...

Brilliant.

A slutty sheep trumps a shady Bush any day.

Sean said...

OH, Franklin, you've outdone yourself again! No wonder I love you like I do.

Amen to pacalaga...anyone who can make that soulless bitch Ann Coulter cry not only gets my vote, but my undying respect and admiration.

Cindy G said...

When are you putting up the button for campaign contributions, I've got my Mastercard in my hand....

dianet said...

I can't wait to see the planks in her campaign platform. Will she promise to make our wool stashes 100% tax-deductible? She could make acrylic yarns 50% deductible.

LisaK said...

Well, we've certainly had worse choices...

Eunice said...

franklin, my dear, you are positively a treasure. especially with this post.

and of course i would vote for dolores. being a dyed-in-the-wool sheep is at least more honest than being a dyed-in-the-wool liar.

Ruth said...

heh, heh, heh, heh, heh.

Aidan said...

I wish Dolores had been on the ballot in at least one race on the ballot today!

May I run as a Delegate? Imagine what fun the Dolorocratic Nation Convention would be! All the pagentry of the Democratic National Convention, but with strippers!

Ann said...

When are the shirts coming out.

brewerburns said...

Completely hilarious. I would totally vote for Dolores.

Carson said...

Inspired!

Jenn said...

Dolores 2008 is a campaign button I would actually wear.

Joe said...

A lengthy lead-up to a funny punch line. It never fails to make me chuckle when Bush is the butt of a joke...even though he's such an easy target.

Nelly Olsen said...

Please say hi to Libby for me. I've always liked her. And tell her I'm sorry to hear about Bob's ED.

mlj1954 said...

Very fun!
Sign me up. It would be good to finally vote for someone because you liked them rather than they are the lesser of the evils available.

La Cabeza Grande said...

Good GAWD, Dolores!

"A flaming red finger in the sky..."

We need to start a campaign blog and calling bank right away!

MonicaPDX said...

::SNERK!::

::falls over::

::raises hand weakly:: I'll vote for Dolores!

::resumes hysterics::

no-blog-rachel said...

I would SO vote for Dolores.

Even if her name does mean Pain in Spanish....

yvonne said...

I voted before I read this, otherwise I totally would have written-in Dolores Van Hoofen for one of the races on my ballot.

rho said...

So .... am I the only one who thinks a hammer under the bathroom sink is odd?

After standing in the voting booth for about 6 minutes today trying to decide which was the lesser of the evils being presented in some of my election choices - I would vote for Delores in a NY Minute. At least I know that she likes her booze, and is a loose sheep, and has shady connections and a head full of wood - the only minor hold-up on clicking that button is her welcome banner for Hillary.

Anonymous said...

finally, someone running for high office who resembles (some of) us!

move over, sanctimonious redumblican twits [a tip o' the cap to queerjoe], cause dolores is about to give you a run for your money! compared to some of them, dolores is a virginal saint!

where do I sign up? can I put a campaign sign on my front lawn?

anne marie in philly

cosmo_dk said...

Dolores -

It's L-I-D-D-Y Dole.

And I'd love to vote for Dolores.

Perhaps a Dolores/Dole ticket?

Linda mISSIMER said...

I don't know if it's a sign for Dolores, but Sen. Rick Santorum, R, in Pennsylvania got his behind beat AND the Pick 3 lottery number was 666.

Sign me up for the Dolorocrats. Momma, I'm coming home.

Llinn

mikelynn said...

Love your blog. I want a Dolorocrat bumper sticker with the patriotic sheep on it.

Wee Quantum Furball said...

I sooo want a t-shir that says "Dolorcrat and proud of it!" on the back and a stars and stripes sheep on the front....I'd wear it proudly **grins**

twig said...

*laugh* Love it.

Mel said...

The nation's savior or our ultimate downfall? Either way, I'm sure it would provide fodder for a generation of political science PhD theses.

At any rate, it looks as though your brother-in-law has handily won re-election. Well done, him.

Anonymous said...

Bumper sticker, bumper sticker, bumper sticker!!

Norie said...

Oh dear, dear Franklin -- that was inspired! Each entry makes me treasure you more ---
If I can't come work Delores' campaign, can I send a couple representatives from my stash?

Leanne said...

Dolores has my vote. Not that that would count for much since I'm a Canadian and thus can't vote in American elections. Maybe she has a Canadian sister that could run here against Harpie (aka Bush Light)?

Lanea said...

Damn you're funny. Does Delores have any campaign promises?

Melinda Morrissey said...

Note to Dolores: make knitting related purchases tax deductible and you've got my vote.

AuntyNin said...

Too funny! I'd vote for her in a heartbeat; she couldn't possibly be any worse than what we've had the last 20 years.

My only question is, will Dolores admit to being over 35 years old, in order to be a legal candidate?

Rosane said...

Brilliant, again, Franklin. Thank you for sharing your wit with us.

Rosane.

TheWoolgatherer said...

I'd love to know if my state, Virginia, is a red, blue, or wool state :)

CJ said...

That's it. I'm packing my bags and moving to Chicago so I can have coffee with you once a week. In a totally non-stalker way, of course.

Aidan said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Wendy said...

Coffee. Out the nose. Again.

Go Dolores! I'm curious ... what is her position on bioshearing and wool production in this country? Ovine rights? Is she a proponent of fiber festivals?

Ween said...

Dolores can come live with me if she'll lead the campaign to give ol' Arnold the boot, and run for Govenor. I can't believe Californian's are so stupid to re-elect him. They must have been the same people that voted for Bush both times. I'm thinking we need a good earthquake to shake things up and scare these idiots from California!

Bev in TN said...

I'm stiiilll laughing! Yea Delorocrats. I detest bumper stickers, but I would make an exception for Delores ;-)

David said...

You are a naughty monkey.

Christine The Cheeky Red Head said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Christine The Cheeky Red Head said...

I would love it if you made the graphic into a t-shirt. I am definitly a Delorocrat

Liz said...

Dolores has my vote! At least she would not be trying to shove this "protect the marriage" crap down people's throats!

Sheep Power!

Marie said...

You may have started something. I should be Stateside in time to vote in 2008. It's nice to know I'll have a good write-in candidate should I not care for the evils before me.

Tomme said...

HAHAHAHAHAHA !!!!!

Anonymous said...

I'd vote for Dolores over a Clinton in a minute! What's one more sex scandal in the White House? GO Dolores!

Lucia said...

The first thing I noticed was that her flaming letters were in red. Well, flames do tend to be red, after all. Still, she's not getting my vote, even if she would be an improvement over what we've got now.

anneonymousone said...

If you don't get an impressive book offer within a month, there is simply no justice or wisdom in the world, and my suspicions are confirmed.

You're the brightest kind of funny there is.

P.S. Make sure to read Dan Savage's columns, if you haven't, to find the definition of "santorum," the lower case neologism.

Anonymous said...

But how, oh how, will the Dolorocrats respond to the vicious attack ads being put out by those nasty Sheepublicans?

Mhairi said...

Have you ever considered writing comedy for the BBC ! (perhaps you should get together with Mr Fry, the humour would knock us out!)
Bless you child - I was miserable and ye made me laugh!!!

Whining Procrastinator said...

Dolores can win this one. I believe it. All she has to do is profess her love of Jesus and she's got it made.

Franklin, you've got a beautiful mind. You need a job where you can just do the stuff you love and nothing else. You're sooooo talented. I can't understand how it can be possible that you don't have thousands of job offers coming in through your blog. There's something wrong with this world.

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Son Dakika Haberleri said...

Bumper sticker ! (thanks)

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