Friday, March 10, 2006

Meet Dolores

You can't learn to spin without fiber, so a couple of weeks ago I sent away to an online operation specializing in such things and ordered two pounds of Romney roving. I've heard from so many people that Romney is a good beginner's wool that I decided to go with it.

Last night after work I was kntting on the Regicide Scarf (it's coming along well, thank you for asking) when a call came up from the concierge saying I had a delivery from Twelve Willows Farm. "You want me to send 'er up?" he asked.

"Absolutely," I said. A few minutes later, there was a knock at the door. And then I opened the door, and then I saw this.

"Hi," said the sheep.

"Hello," I said.

"I assume you've been expecting me?" said the sheep.

I wasn't quite sure how to answer that.

The sheep held out a small slip of yellow paper with "TWELVE WILLOWS FARM: BILL OF SALE" printed in block captials across the top.

"Um...I was expecting two pounds of Romney roving," I said.

"No kidding," said the sheep.

"Are you two pounds of Romney roving?"

"Eventually," said the sheep.

"You're not quite what I anticipated," I said weakly.

"Yeah, well I thought you'd be taller," said the sheep.

She extended a hoof. I shook it.

"I'm Dolores," she said.

"I'm Franklin."

"Swell. Terrific. Are you going to ask me to come in or what?"

I stepped aside and Dolores toddled into the living room, pulling a small purple wheelie bag. She settled herself on the sofa, stretched out and burped delicately. There was a faint aroma of hay.

"Traffic from the airport was a bitch," she yawned.

I sat down in my armchair and we looked at each other for a few minutes.

"So, chatterbox, are you going to offer me a drink or do I need to get it myself?"

"I...well...what would you like?"

"Whisky, neat, thanks."

"I juice."

"Oh," sighed Dolores, "this is going to be some gig. I tell you what, big shot. Point me to the powder room. I need to freshen up and then we're going out for a wee drinkie."

While Dolores was brushing her teeth, C called.

"How's your day going?" he asked.

"A sheep is here," I said.

"Oh?" he said.

"Yes," I said.

"What does it want?" he said.

"It wants a cocktail," I said.

"Of course it does," said C.

To be continued, apparently whether I like it or not.


Beth said...

Franklin, you owe me a new keyboard. I just snorted Coke out my nose.

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I'm new to the whole blogging thing and am about to tear my hair out from frustration (do you think I can knit with it?). I'm trying to put up links to my fave blogs and other sites (including yours) and since you use the same blogging site I thought you could tell me how. (i already followed the instructions on the help site for blogspot. they didn't work)


Ashley said...

too funny. you must continue though.

Alyssa said...

Brilliant! Thanks for the Friday afternoon chuckle:)

Anonymous said...


I'm sitting at my desk cackling madly and silently (can't upset the co-workers) - can't wait for the next installment!

Anonymous said...

That was hilarious. Do continue, please! (The picture was cool, but the text just eclipsed it.)

goblinbox said...


Darci said...

I knew I loved sheep but when Dolores let us know that she drinks my drink life could not be better....

--Deb said...

Oh boy! Dolores is a peach, I can tell right away . . . oh, you two are going to have fun!

Aidan said...

More than a little reminiscent of visits from my mother, z'l.

marie in florida said...

i saw Dolores while she was passing through the jacksonville international airport. i take it she did not tell you i told her to say hello for me, ay?

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Thank you for brightening my day.

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Liz said...

oh my frickin' *gawd*

Brilliant, dude. DH laughed out loud, too. You rule. And I hope the roving lives up to your expectations - looks like it may be a while...

Anonymous said...

So funny! Looking forward to the second installment :-)

Cheryl:) said...

Baby..whatever it is you are on...I do want some!!! and I want that on a bag or something!!!!
Thanks for the afternoon hilarity!!!

marie in florida said...

btw; "set as background" is now the same as stuck to the fridge door, right?
it happens often to your sheeps

Elemmaciltur said...

HeWhoMustNotBeNamed's giving me a very weird look now....and to make it worse, I know he won't understand why I'm laughing so hard reading about this sheep...

Annie said...

Dolores drinks, I love it. Can I comission a drawing?

Anonymous said...

I'm a new reader, and I am hooked. (Line and sinker, I suppose...) My sheep is named Magnolia. Her preference is mint juleps, for some reason....

Anonymous said...

i LOVE dolores--can't wait for the next installment--and will she make a tank top debue?????? please?

FiberQat said...

She must be channelling Dorothy. Too bad she knows where you live. Better move. -- Duffy

Anonymous said...

Love Dolores! She's my type of lady

Rabbitch said...

You had no idea how big two pounds of wool was, did you?


Now you know why I drink.

yimffzep, indeed.

Anonymous said...

Faint aroma of hay? With sincere apologies to Dolores, it ain't faint. And it certainly ain't hay!

Joanna said...

Too funny - I can't wait to see if she asks for an Orvis shower too .... where will this go?

Norah said...

That was hilarious! Can't wait to hear the next installment.

Anonymous said...

You didn't **really** order 2 pounds, did you?

Hope you've cleared out from behind the sofa. You're gonna need the storage space.

Anonymous said...

You should contact the Rhinebeck folks and see if they want Dolores for souvenir t-shirts at next year's festival. She is so gorgeous.

The up-side to 2 lbs of roving is that you have plenty to practice with and then you will still have enough to do some major project with. Or you could 'enable' lots and lots of people.

Unknown said...

Man, I'm wondering where this is going too. Dolores sounds like one tough cookie, and I bet she'll have you really have to jump through hoops (literally and figuratively) to get that 2 lbs. of roving! And the question is, how, in the end, ARE you going to get it? Hmmmmm....I don't envy your task(s) ahead!

Carrie K said...

Oh, that's fabulous! Ordering roving and getting Dolores. Well, you asked for her. Can't wait for the next installment.

MsAmpuTeeHee said...

Absolutely hilarious. Thanks--I needed the laugh :-)

dpaste said...

Did I mention I love you?

Anonymous said...

Oh, Franklin, in both our dreams...

Anonymous said...

Often when I read, characters will develop a distinct voice in my head (okay, perhaps therapy might be a good thing for this, but I digress). Delores almost immediately turned into Harvey Fierstein doing Edna Turnblad, with a more of an edge. Hope it's okay to give your beloved (they certainly are to me) characters voices.


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I love you.

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Oh wow, I LOVE that cartoon sheep!! It's hysterical, I'm going to have to make that my desktop background!! THANK YOU! There's a reason your blog's one of my favorites. . . ;o)

Sweazey said...

Franklin, you are so good at this that you even inspire fun responses from everyone. I hope you are as tickled, joyous, and happy as you seem to be in your blog...and thanks for sharing it with us all. We are so grateful to share your joyful self!

Unknown said...

Omigod, Patrice (aka "anonymous"), I thought the same thing with Dolores' voice! Or at least something along the same lines. I think I had the voice of Roz from Monsters, Inc. or Selma of Night Court in mind, but it's the same idea. I guess Dolores should cut back on those ciggie-butts.

Anonymous said...

As long as we're taking liberties with Franklin's creations, I think that Roz's voice from Monsters Inc is way better. (Must be a Jersey thang ;) )
Oh Franklin how I do adore your blog.


Filambulle said...

Please, please, continue that story. I do like it already so much!

Mel said...

Blink. Blink. I'm awake... now that I'm done shooting my morning tea out my nostrils.

I'll put my bits in for a hurrah. Great funny.

Marlene said...

The voice that immediately came to my mind was that cigarette smoking sister of Marge Simpson from "The Simpsons".

webber the webulous webhead said...

heehee! =D

Paige said...

I love the Dolores story. More! More!

Anonymous said...

I do not know what it is about Romney sheep. The first ram I ever got was a brown Romney which my son immediately named Fred (actually, he was named Frederick the Great, but I felt that this was putting a little too much pressure on the ram). If Danny Devito was a sheep, he would be Fred. Short, squatty, and hairy. A fireplug with a fleece - that was Fred. On the other hand, he was the sexiest guy sheep we ever had - sort of Avis Rent a Car trapped in a sheep -- and could smell a young lady in...well, you get the idea...from about 5 miles away. I had lady sheep lined up at the fence - I had one lady sheep with her head through the fence - I had three young ladies who should have definitely NOT known better who ended up being mommies before they were a year old (the hussies - must have been relatives of Dolores). And he was one of those romantic guys - talk about wine and dine - he used to spend a LOT of time whispering what passes for sheep nothings into various ears...What a guy.
Must be something in that Romney Marsh water or something...

knittingnurse said...


I am usually just a stalker on your blog but I couldn't help but comment on this one.

Y'know, Dolores might enjoy a mojito. Why don't you use my recipe and see if she enjoys? I posted it on my blog.

It'll make things much easier for you. . . . . .

Anonymous said...

I'm a random passerby who stumbled upon this blog by doing a search in google in quotes for "Dolores looks like" and it led me here. Well, not here (meaning this post exactly, but another one you made referring to Dolores) and see well, my name is Dolores and I have to tell you - this post of yours...I have to read further about the sheep. This was the funniest thing I have read in a while.

Anonymous said...

Giggle, snort, cough.... I need to read your blog when I am in company from now on.... safer that way if I aspirate my tea (coffee, beer, mojito, wine, etc). Just recently discovered your blog due to a post you made on livejournal's knitting site, please keep it up.

Anonymous said...

Oh, no, what happens when you order 10 pounds of roving? Do you get a FLOCK?

***eyes front door suspiciously before putting the deadbolt to.

Sue Andrews Sinclair said...

I'm holding Dolores' sisters hostage in my closets in Florida and my attic in Connecticut. They are getting bigger all of the time. Pretty soon a flock!

Jenny Harned Tabrum said...

A Roving Romney?
Pity the souls that only have a Roving Gnome!

"Good Luck" she says sheepishly.

Greg said...

Good luck, Franklin, ewe may have met your match!!

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Anonymous said...

Hi, Franklin!

I don't know you, but I just found your blog by chance and it made my day!
BTW, great name, the Panopticon, I thought I would NEVER again in my life find anyone who even knew the word, after I left university!
Lígia in Lisboa, Portugal

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Oh no you didn't!!!

I just got here Via Half Soled Shoes!

it's 2009!!! Am I to Believe I have 4 years of blog to catch up on!

I gotta make a bowl of popcorn! I'll brb

This Dolores has me captivated!

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Anonymous said...

Delores, Hi!
I was just reading about you and at the same time hearing that Hoxton Handmde's Electric Sheep is having a birthday and in need of a sheepish friend! Any chance of a surprise date? I am sure you would both get along just fine, you share the same sense of humour! How are you fixed with a passport and tickets for a trip to the UK? Or of course I guess it could be a virtual date?

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