Hi there it's Harry! Good morning and happy Election Day to all the Americans from Fibertarian Party headquarters!
Franklin and Dolores already went and voted because the lobby of our building is a polling place so it's easy to get there just an elevator ride away. Franklin didn't even change out of his pajamas can you believe that what a slob.
Dolores got all gussied up because she figured there would be reporters and stuff to watch her cast her vote, but there was nobody and then they yelled at her for taking too many cookies off the snack tray and she got real mad and I think she is going to just head down to the Lucky Horseshoe and start the victory party early. Boy I sure hope she wins because if she doesn't I don't want to be here tomorrow morning.
And Franklin finished packing his "just in case" bag and it's by the door with his ticket to Montreal, and now he is hiding under the bed and says he won't come out until the polls close so I am the one who is here to say, Vote for Dolores! And also I will update you on the second part of her campaign tour which was HUGE! Like in some places where she went they totally ran out of chairs!
Okay here goes.
East Lansing, Michigan
So you know how politicians are supposed to kiss babies well Dolores was looking to do that and when she was in Michigan she found a brand new one! I know what you're thinking but my guess is this lady was still too foggy from the epidural to know what was going on and boy I sure hope they cleaned off the baby afterward. By the way congratulations lady your baby is real cute.
Nashua, New Hampshire
So this is Dolores with pledged delegates from Westminster Fibers at their annual sales meeting for the Rowan, Nashua Handknits, Gedifra and Regia brands of knitting yarns. Of course these people would like to see Fibertarians running the country because then they could all afford beach houses and stuff and maybe they would invite us all for a fancy party!
Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, Canada
Then Dolores was supposed to go to North Dakota but she started talking to this guy and they were having some laughs and she forgot to get off the bus and then she was in Canada! So she got off at a truck stop and found somebody to drive her back to America, but first she spent a couple of days up there and met local yarns at Prairie Lily Knitting. She told me they were a lot like American yarns but they talk kind of funny.
When Dolores is president she will have to live in the White House. It is in Washington, DC which is our capital so she went there to check it out and see if her new office is big enough for a dance floor with a DJ booth. Anyway they wouldn't let her into the house so she went over to the National Mall instead, but she couldn't find the Starbucks or the Ann Taylor just a lot of museums. And then she saw this old lady trying to cross the street and well she knows a photo opp when she sees one. So the theme of this photo is if you are really old Dolores is the candidate for you she will help you cross the street.
Santa Monica, California
So then it was off to Santa Monica, California where Dolores shook hands with a lot of really interesting people on the famous pier, including this one guy who said he remembered her from when she was a hat check girl at this one topless bar in Santa Cruz but then she punched him in the nose and he didn't remember that any more.
Oak Ridge, Tennessee
So Dolores found out that none of the other candidates had been to Oak Ridge, Tennessee and plus she had been curious to visit the Spallation Neutron Source for quite some time and so off she went. I asked her what is a Spallation Neutron Source, and she said the hell if I know but holy crap do those science types know how to drink.
Marin County, California
Dolores wanted to show that she is very sensitive to the needs of immigrants and so in California she posed with this lady who had fled her oppressive and terror-ridden homeland in a homemade raft and risked her life to pursue the American dream. (I am sorry in advance Dolores made me write that.)
And then she went to meet up with these sheep friends of hers from California who were working at the Bearded Collie Club of America's herding trials. It was maybe not a good idea because after she gave them a little speech the sheep started pushing the dogs around instead of vice versa and it sort of got ugly and there were police and now she is not supposed to go back to Vacaville ever and I have to write a bunch of apology notes today.
Friday Harbor, Washington
So I will have you know that Obama and McCain are not the only candidates with fancy celebrity friends and here is proof, it is Dolores with Cat Bordhi. And if you are asking me I would rather spend the evening with Cat than with Daddy Yankee or Barbra Streisand. Okay maybe I would like to meet Barbra but only if she is in a really good mood. Also Dolores says if she is elected she will put Cat in charge of solving the energy crisis and we should have it fixed in about a week.
Nutley, New Jersey
Okay this picture came with a press release from the guy who is running the campaign out there and here is what he said. "While campaigning in Nutley, NJ, Dolores took time out to pay respects to two other inspiring, strong females. After preparing perfect omelets for her campaign staff, Dolores viewed Annie Oakley memorabilia at the museum, then placed a tribute of preserved Hortensia near the childhood home of Martha Stewart."
(Thank you Jack but what the heck is Hortensia? I hope you don't mean a lady named Hortensia.)
It was not really Mardi Gras while Dolores was in Mobile but the Fibertarians down there said it didn't matter let's party anyway and Dolores said okay fine and then–wait a minute what is the Sphinx thingie about? Boy, Mobile sure must be weird. No wonder Dolores was down there for like a whole week and we never heard from her.
Sand Lake, New York
In Sand Lake they arranged for a motor parade right through town and Dolores was cheered by seven people! One of them thought she was Sarah Palin but we decided to count her anyway.
In Decatur, Dolores insisted on posing with this pretty statue of President Thomas Jefferson because she says they share many of the same values including sleeping with people who work for you.
Fort Collins, Colorado
I am not supposed to tell you what happened to Dolores in "Ram Country" but you can probably figure out for yourself anyway.
Hendersonville, North Carolina
Dolores hooked up with somebody at the Southeastern Animal Fiber Fair and they asked her to sign their copy of It Itches before leaving the motel room. She said forget about it because Franklin didn't let her write the introduction or thank her in the acknowledgments.
So you know Dolores is really a country girl at heart because she was born on a farm and so in Lacomb she went back to her roots and hung out with the chickens. If the rooster is reading this she says you have my email so be in touch.
Las Vegas, Nevada
Dolores was going to just relax in Las Vegas after speaking to a small crowd about her pet cause of retirement homes for topless showgirls, but then she ran into this Fibertarian who had tickets to see Jimmy Buffett and Dolores says don't worry, what happened in Vegas stays in Vegas until my next volume of memoirs comes out.
Wisconsin was kind of scary for Dolores because of course she has a thing about cows and it is America's Dairyland but after a couple of drinks at the Badgers game she relaxed enough to go hang out at a local cheese-and-karaoke bar and they all said she did the best version of "Rhiannon" they have heard since Joe Lieberman was here in '04.
Then Dolores went to London, which is in England, which is a country that used to own our country and so she went over there to show she is tough in foreign policy and tell that queen not to get any ideas about takesie-backsies. And she went to see this play called Waste at the Almeida Theatre and she got backstage and she made a pass at the cute director Sam West and she won't tell me what else happened but you can see here he was getting hot and bothered. Dont worry Sam we are all coming back to London next week so stop calling all the time okay.
San Mateo, California
They had a rally in San Mateo and Dolores met The Littlest Fibertarian and my goodness don't you think that child will have a story to tell her grandkids or maybe her therapist.
Key West, Florida
And since had been way up north in Alaska she decided she should go south too and she went all the way which is of course something Dolores is known for.
New Haven, Connecticut
And finally Dolores ended her tour at Yale University which she said is a place that proves we live in a fair country, because everyone deserves an education and even if you can barely tie your own shoes you can still get into Yale.
Well that is the report on the campaign tour. Thank you to everybody who hosted, the first 30 hosts will get their souvenir buttons in the mail soon and our secret panel of judges is getting ready to pick the best picture for a prize!
Remember that if you are an American today is a big day to show you believe in what our country is based on, and that is the right of all people to have a say in their government. Also sometimes after you vote they have free cookies.
Secretary, Fibertarian Party of America