Tuesday, November 04, 2008

Okay It Is the Big Day So Please Go Vote Now

Hi there it's Harry! Good morning and happy Election Day to all the Americans from Fibertarian Party headquarters!

Election Day Harry

Franklin and Dolores already went and voted because the lobby of our building is a polling place so it's easy to get there just an elevator ride away. Franklin didn't even change out of his pajamas can you believe that what a slob.

Dolores got all gussied up because she figured there would be reporters and stuff to watch her cast her vote, but there was nobody and then they yelled at her for taking too many cookies off the snack tray and she got real mad and I think she is going to just head down to the Lucky Horseshoe and start the victory party early. Boy I sure hope she wins because if she doesn't I don't want to be here tomorrow morning.

And Franklin finished packing his "just in case" bag and it's by the door with his ticket to Montreal, and now he is hiding under the bed and says he won't come out until the polls close so I am the one who is here to say, Vote for Dolores! And also I will update you on the second part of her campaign tour which was HUGE! Like in some places where she went they totally ran out of chairs!

Okay here goes.

East Lansing, Michigan

East Lansing, MI

So you know how politicians are supposed to kiss babies well Dolores was looking to do that and when she was in Michigan she found a brand new one! I know what you're thinking but my guess is this lady was still too foggy from the epidural to know what was going on and boy I sure hope they cleaned off the baby afterward. By the way congratulations lady your baby is real cute.

Nashua, New Hampshire

Nashua, NH

So this is Dolores with pledged delegates from Westminster Fibers at their annual sales meeting for the Rowan, Nashua Handknits, Gedifra and Regia brands of knitting yarns. Of course these people would like to see Fibertarians running the country because then they could all afford beach houses and stuff and maybe they would invite us all for a fancy party!

Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, Canada

Saskatoon, Canada

Then Dolores was supposed to go to North Dakota but she started talking to this guy and they were having some laughs and she forgot to get off the bus and then she was in Canada! So she got off at a truck stop and found somebody to drive her back to America, but first she spent a couple of days up there and met local yarns at Prairie Lily Knitting. She told me they were a lot like American yarns but they talk kind of funny.

Washington, DC

Washington, DC

When Dolores is president she will have to live in the White House. It is in Washington, DC which is our capital so she went there to check it out and see if her new office is big enough for a dance floor with a DJ booth. Anyway they wouldn't let her into the house so she went over to the National Mall instead, but she couldn't find the Starbucks or the Ann Taylor just a lot of museums. And then she saw this old lady trying to cross the street and well she knows a photo opp when she sees one. So the theme of this photo is if you are really old Dolores is the candidate for you she will help you cross the street.

Santa Monica, California

Santa Monica, CA

So then it was off to Santa Monica, California where Dolores shook hands with a lot of really interesting people on the famous pier, including this one guy who said he remembered her from when she was a hat check girl at this one topless bar in Santa Cruz but then she punched him in the nose and he didn't remember that any more.

Oak Ridge, Tennessee

Oak Ridge, TN

So Dolores found out that none of the other candidates had been to Oak Ridge, Tennessee and plus she had been curious to visit the Spallation Neutron Source for quite some time and so off she went. I asked her what is a Spallation Neutron Source, and she said the hell if I know but holy crap do those science types know how to drink.

Marin County, California

Marin County, CA

Dolores wanted to show that she is very sensitive to the needs of immigrants and so in California she posed with this lady who had fled her oppressive and terror-ridden homeland in a homemade raft and risked her life to pursue the American dream. (I am sorry in advance Dolores made me write that.)

Vacaville, California

Vacaville, CA

And then she went to meet up with these sheep friends of hers from California who were working at the Bearded Collie Club of America's herding trials. It was maybe not a good idea because after she gave them a little speech the sheep started pushing the dogs around instead of vice versa and it sort of got ugly and there were police and now she is not supposed to go back to Vacaville ever and I have to write a bunch of apology notes today.

Friday Harbor, Washington

Friday Harbor, WA

So I will have you know that Obama and McCain are not the only candidates with fancy celebrity friends and here is proof, it is Dolores with Cat Bordhi. And if you are asking me I would rather spend the evening with Cat than with Daddy Yankee or Barbra Streisand. Okay maybe I would like to meet Barbra but only if she is in a really good mood. Also Dolores says if she is elected she will put Cat in charge of solving the energy crisis and we should have it fixed in about a week.

Nutley, New Jersey

Nutley, NJ

Okay this picture came with a press release from the guy who is running the campaign out there and here is what he said. "While campaigning in Nutley, NJ, Dolores took time out to pay respects to two other inspiring, strong females. After preparing perfect omelets for her campaign staff, Dolores viewed Annie Oakley memorabilia at the museum, then placed a tribute of preserved Hortensia near the childhood home of Martha Stewart."

(Thank you Jack but what the heck is Hortensia? I hope you don't mean a lady named Hortensia.)

Mobile, Alabama

Mobile, AL

It was not really Mardi Gras while Dolores was in Mobile but the Fibertarians down there said it didn't matter let's party anyway and Dolores said okay fine and then–wait a minute what is the Sphinx thingie about? Boy, Mobile sure must be weird. No wonder Dolores was down there for like a whole week and we never heard from her.

Sand Lake, New York

Sand Lake, NY

In Sand Lake they arranged for a motor parade right through town and Dolores was cheered by seven people! One of them thought she was Sarah Palin but we decided to count her anyway.

Decatur, Georgia

Decatur, GA

In Decatur, Dolores insisted on posing with this pretty statue of President Thomas Jefferson because she says they share many of the same values including sleeping with people who work for you.

Fort Collins, Colorado

Fort Collins, CO

I am not supposed to tell you what happened to Dolores in "Ram Country" but you can probably figure out for yourself anyway.

Hendersonville, North Carolina

Hendersonville, NC

Dolores hooked up with somebody at the Southeastern Animal Fiber Fair and they asked her to sign their copy of It Itches before leaving the motel room. She said forget about it because Franklin didn't let her write the introduction or thank her in the acknowledgments.

Lacomb, Oregon

Lacomb, OR

So you know Dolores is really a country girl at heart because she was born on a farm and so in Lacomb she went back to her roots and hung out with the chickens. If the rooster is reading this she says you have my email so be in touch.

Las Vegas, Nevada

Las Vegas, NV

Dolores was going to just relax in Las Vegas after speaking to a small crowd about her pet cause of retirement homes for topless showgirls, but then she ran into this Fibertarian who had tickets to see Jimmy Buffett and Dolores says don't worry, what happened in Vegas stays in Vegas until my next volume of memoirs comes out.

Madison, Wisconsin

Madison, WI

Wisconsin was kind of scary for Dolores because of course she has a thing about cows and it is America's Dairyland but after a couple of drinks at the Badgers game she relaxed enough to go hang out at a local cheese-and-karaoke bar and they all said she did the best version of "Rhiannon" they have heard since Joe Lieberman was here in '04.

London, England

London, England

Then Dolores went to London, which is in England, which is a country that used to own our country and so she went over there to show she is tough in foreign policy and tell that queen not to get any ideas about takesie-backsies. And she went to see this play called Waste at the Almeida Theatre and she got backstage and she made a pass at the cute director Sam West and she won't tell me what else happened but you can see here he was getting hot and bothered. Dont worry Sam we are all coming back to London next week so stop calling all the time okay.

San Mateo, California

San Mateo, CA

They had a rally in San Mateo and Dolores met The Littlest Fibertarian and my goodness don't you think that child will have a story to tell her grandkids or maybe her therapist.

Key West, Florida

Key West, FL

And since had been way up north in Alaska she decided she should go south too and she went all the way which is of course something Dolores is known for.

New Haven, Connecticut

New Haven, CT

And finally Dolores ended her tour at Yale University which she said is a place that proves we live in a fair country, because everyone deserves an education and even if you can barely tie your own shoes you can still get into Yale.

Well that is the report on the campaign tour. Thank you to everybody who hosted, the first 30 hosts will get their souvenir buttons in the mail soon and our secret panel of judges is getting ready to pick the best picture for a prize!

Remember that if you are an American today is a big day to show you believe in what our country is based on, and that is the right of all people to have a say in their government. Also sometimes after you vote they have free cookies.

Secretary, Fibertarian Party of America


Krista M said...

Fantastic job, Harry! I can definitely understand the Palin confusion, what with the glasses and all. Try to keep Dolores drunk and happy!

Sandy said...

Franklin! Get out from under the bed! It's all gonna be OK! Besides, you'll have a hard time hearing us all laughing, I mean, cheering, at Delores' final leg of her whirlwind campaign...

Helen said...

love (10000)

from a UK dweller watching all this election stuff in part horror, part fascination. Ours are rather dull in comparison, but much less complicated.

Abigail said...

Dolores had a grand time in Key West to say the least!


Thank you Harry! You are doing a great job.

Sarah said...

OMG, Sam West! I didn't know she was heading for the Almeida, I live just up the road. I could have hosted a little 'salon' (or should that be saloon?!) for her :)

LittleWit said...

It looks like Dolores had a lovely campaign tour. Perhaps it can be turned into a yarn crawl route for future years. :)

quinn said...

Oh my gosh - I never realized Dolores went to Harvard! Sistah!

Fluzz said...

As another UK watcher I shall check the news tomorrow and see how it all went.

Good luck Dolores! ;)

Heidi said...

Oh, that zany Dolores!

Come out from hiding, Franklin! It's early in the day yet, but I say, why wait? I need a victory cha cha partner.

helenkosings said...

I would've given my left KIDNEY to hear Dolores sing "Rhiannon"......

Laura said...

As a native Oak Ridger, I am so excited Dolores chose to go there - and to visit the SNS. Sadly, it's too late for me to vote for her. I already voted for that tall guy.

Anonymous said...

Tell Dolores next time shes in town she should try for Daniel Craig or David Tennant. See you guys in a week or so :)

TNWevr said...

Come on out from under the bed, Franklin - how can you possibly party with everyone from there? Besides, it's hard to knit with your arms in that position!

Knit Purl Gurl said...

I plugged Dolores on my blog! http://knitpurlgurl.blogspot.com/2008/11/now-is-time.html Unfortunately, due to partisan politics, I did NOT see her name on my ballot today when I cast my vote. I had to choose some young fellow from Illinois. Maybe I should've written Dolores in - but I WAS using an electronic voting machine. What is the tone at campaign headquarters?

Julia said...

Genius, pure genius. Had me chuckling the whole way through. I wish you & yours a Happy Election Day! And I hope you won't be using your "just in case" bag & making the trek up here to Canada...although Montreal is one of my favourite cities, so that's definitely a good choice. :-) Cheers.

weedwacker said...

Awesome shots of the campaign tour. I voted Delores for president, and Pablo for Vice President. I'm not sure, but I think Delores met Pablo at Harvard.

Nell said...

Tell Dolores I tried to vote for her. But her name wasn't on my ballot. I had to settle for Obama. But I tried. I really did!

Megara said...

Good luck Dolores, not that you need it.
Franklin, please come out from under the bed, everything will be just fine! If by some great injustice it isn't then we'll look after you here in the UK a few days early! (Now Harry has made it known to the world which city you will be in, you may need a change of plan...)

Gail said...

Harry, you are the cutest thing ever! Thank you for updating the blog, you made my day.

Lori said...

Oh I voted early but made Dolores stay in the car when I did.

TheSockKnitter said...


♥♥♥♥♥ x 1,000,000,000,000 (or ∞ would do, too) as well!

Tamiko said...

I would totally vote for Dolores if I hadn't already voted.

lpratt1831 said...


From your mouth to God's ear! Here's hoping Fibertarianism becomes a major capitalist trend.


Cara said...

Harry, Tell Franklin I said he might want to get a head start. I was a poll watcher here in Florida for the first 7 hours of our voting, and I didn't see a single Fibertarian shirt, button or hat. What with Florida being a swing state and all, that can't be good. I'm sure it had to do with dirty politics. (I mean, this is Dolores and all.)

Kristen said...

Bravo, Harry! I did my solemn duty about an hour ago. May Dolores long reign!

the boogeyman's wife said...

thanks for the update (and upbeat) post. yours is the only election post i was happy to read today. we'll be partying tonight when dolores gets in! (one way or another, you know she will......)

Liz said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Liz said...

(Let's try that again...)

Ooh, Sam West.

We're equally fascinated across the pond; go Dolores, and hope you get the government you deserve by the end of the night...

Helen said...

I think Sam West knits: I sort of remember Antony Sher teasing him about it, years ago. I mean I read about it in a newspaper interview, not that I was actually there.

knittinghooker said...

You got the quote from New Haven, CT wrong! Dolores said "These Yalies are a real party crowd! Much better than those stuck up BLEEP BLEEPS from Harvard!"

Seanna Lea said...

Wow. Boy does she get around!

Tippymarie said...

Whew!! Hey, Harry, why is it every time you do the writing I feel like I have to catch my breath when you're done? Awesome reporting!

Harry, please ask Franklin if the next book is gonna be all about Delores, since she's not in the first book. Thank you!

Love and kisses!

Zelda said...

The "do those science types know how to drink" bit must be a remark on our technical precision and mastery of relevant chemistry (see "Cocktail Party Physics"). Because the demographic I know and love-- well, a concrete example from my SO: the American Astronomical Society always has its conventions (I know-- you're thinking, "Where on earth do you find a hall large enough for a meeting of an Astronomical Society?" --but somehow they do) off season (Austin in summer, Madison in winter, etc.), but even so the hotel room prices are generally sky-high.

Other professional conventions get volume discounts and welcome packages and whathaveyou, because the hotel knows they're going to spend hour after hour in the bars schmoozing each other. The hotels see astronomers coming and if anything *raise* the rates, because no one is going to run up a decent tab. I suppose we geeks find our natural chemical imbalances mostly sufficient.

Sorka said...

I voted.. while wearing my fibertarian t shirt! wOot!

Laura H said...

Franklin, you are brilliant and, Harry, so are you. Thank you for the report on Dolores' final campaign swing. Truly inspired and inspiring.

Judy Becker said...

Thank you Harry! Wonderful report.

BTW, if the unthinkable should happen and Dolores not win, we should start a letter-writing campaign to have Cat Bordhi named to head the DOE no matter who's in office. She would not only solve the energy crisis, but probably come up with a new auto architecture while she was at it!

anne marie in philly said...

harry, you have a talent for understatement (oh brother!).

can't understand why dolores' name was left off the PA ballot though...


Jenni said...

Oh, I wish an epidural had been responsible for that photo! No meds this time, just a nurse who was easily subdued!

Sadly, Dolores wasn't on te ballot here in MI - what happened??

Sam said...

Thanks for the update, Harry! Now this is a political campaign that I don't mind following.

Come to think of it, it's the only campaign I *did* follow. >.>

Anonymous said...

He won! He won! He won! Sorry, Dolores.

Anonymous said...

Come on out, Franklin....
We got ourselves a shiny new POTUS-to-be!!

T in Q

Ivywindow said...

My condolences to Dolores. The BBC shows that the Fibertarians made a good showing (I am guessing "Others" all voted Fibertarian). At least she has the consolation of knowing that another resident of Illinois will represent the state in the White House.

There is always 2012.

Flavaknits said...

I have sore ribs! from laughing!
Dolores got in, hurrah! (She did didn't she ?)

AliP said...

Franklin: Are you really coming to Montreal if she wins..or was it if she loses? ;oD
My point , and I do have one, is that it would be AWESOME to have you up here for some knitting and or pub visiting and or yarn trawling.

From the person in the Holiday Inn hallway with ugly bright red pyjamas that you didn't see but did sign charmingly her book at Rhinebeck,

dyedinthewool said...

Sam West go to meet Dolores?!?!?! I am sooooo jealous! :D

Yarnhog said...

Much as I love Dolores, when push came to shove, I had to support Obama. Sorry, Dolores. The better, ah, man won.

Knitting Painter Woman said...

I AM SO GLAD YOU ARE NOT GOING TO HAVE TO MOVE TO CANADA. and I'm sorry about California's Prop 8... on behalf of all my GLB friends.

Red said...

I'm so glad Dolores made it to my towns of Madison and Decatur. Yes I get around but not like Dolores ;)

Sorry you didn't win Dolores but there's always 2016. I'd like to see a Dolores/Palin showdown!

Keep up the good work, Harry!

Judy in Indiana said...

Delores would like to come to my house now. We are planning on a trip to DC for Spring Break, and I am pretty sure Delores will love the tour of the White House! I can pay for postage both ways if that helps.

She was not on the Indiana ballot, can you believe that? I was afraid to write her name in as we were trying to make history here and have the electoral college votes go blue for a change. I have afeeling she is still bitter about it.

Patti said...

Harry, you totally cracked me up!what a great report. Pls go tell Franklin he can come out from under the bed now. it's safe.

JanKnitz said...

Almost got kicked out of my office for laughing so hard!

I'm glad Obama won, not Delores. What kind of Supreme Court would we have if she was choosing???

Kaje said...

Franklin, I hope you got out from under the bed long enough to watch the acceptance speech or better yet, to go to Grant Park!

goblinbox said...

If only I got around as much as that sheep!

Eileen said...

Harry, I think Franklin's going to be okay. Dolores has been hearing from the new President-Elect.

Tell him that I've been hearing rumors that Dolores is going to be appointed to the new cabinet.

(In fact, I think that she's going to have her own bar set-up in the office.)

Anonymous said...

Surely Dolores isn't too upset about being beaten by Berroco Baama. (Though I'm surprised that it never came out that he's a secret Fibertarian.)

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