Tuesday, January 02, 2007

Only 363 Days To Go

So, what do you think of 2007 so far? I find the pattern interesting enough, though I'm somewhat dubious about whether I've got gauge. I probably should have swatched.

There hasn't been a new entry for several days because the turn of the year always brings out the teenage poet in me. And I hate that. Nobody should ever visit this page only to be confronted by sentences like

And then I realized that Christmasses, to me, are like snowflakes–no two alike, but all equally beautiful.

I'm sorry you just read that. Be grateful you didn't see the rest.

Anyhow, the ball dropped in Times Square, and I'm back to normal. Or what passes for it around here.

If you blog, New Year's means you can do one of two things: write about your resolutions, or write about how you never do anything so jejune as make resolutions. You already know I'm jejune, so what have I got to lose?

Here we go.
  1. I will do my utmost to expand my earring wardrobe.

  2. I will polish my imitation of Etta James singing "Stormy Weather" to a high lustre.

  3. Ditto my Frank Sinatra singing "Come Fly With Me."

  4. Those stubborn mildew stains on the grout in the shower? History.

  5. More Vegetable Biryani.

  6. I will stop pretending I've never watched "Family Guy."

  7. When at work, no use of the phrase "Fuck off and die" before 10:30 a.m.

  8. I will lighten up on Lindsay Lohan. (Hilary Duff, Fergie, and Ryan Seacrest will remain dead to me.)

  9. Investigate career avenues in porn. You never know.

  10. Floss.

Resolutions

52 comments:

Anonymous said...

Good thing I got to the cartoon between bites of my lunch.

s14 said...

Oh I think I want to adopt all your resolutions, they are so much more interesting than mine (except, perhaps for the one about the grout)!
Happy New Year!

Patience said...

I'm with you on the flossing, and mine is to stop telling myself I deserve a treat at lunchtime.

Anonymous said...

"Bite Me" or, in military parlance that won't get you fired, "Bravo Mike" is appropriate for use before 10 a.m.

Keep up on the flossing.

Anonymous said...

We had the grout problem, too - before you scrub your manicure away, you should know it's probably underneath the grout, and it will have to be dug out and redone.

As for not saying "fuck off and die" before 10:30 at work... well, all I can say is that my theme for the year is "enough about you." My neighbor's is "into the wild."

Susan said...

I'm sticking with my usual resolution: to lower my expectations.

Oh, and to make my bed every day.

Cheryl said...

When at work, no use of the phrase "Fuck off and die" before 10:30 a.m.
that is exactly the reason I quit my job at the bank.

Oh..and the mildew? If it is silicon grout you will have to dig it out with a knife and replace it. Otherwise, bleach water and a stiff brush should do the trick.

Imbrium said...

Heh...I'm finding that ignoring that whole resolution thing altogether is working out pretty well for me so far.

Lee Ann said...

My themes for the new year are "Decide" and "Practice."

Also, four-inch fuck-me pumps.

I didn't say I was going to change, dude. I just said I was going to decide and practice.

Leslie in Mass said...

And these lessons are recommended by Phil & Sue????

Anonymous said...

I notice that you did not specify that the 10:30am had to be in the same time zone in which you currently reside. It's 10:30 somewhere, after all.
Scrubbing grout is overrated. Make Dolores do it. Especially if she's going to continue parading around the apartment in that "outfit".
As for Lindsay, UGH. Maybe we can forgive her just a little, but can we still continue to heap scorn on her mother?

Cynthia said...

Welcome back our wayward poet, you had been missed (now that I know, I feel kind of blessed you were gone...).

Forget about the grout, the mildew will be back before you clean up your supplies so don't waste your time. I am sure you can have one, if not two, additional dance lessons in the time it would take to properly clean the grout....

loomatic said...

Why worry with the grout? Reason number x+1 to MOVE!!!! Didn't you ever see 'Grace Under Fire'? My resolution is to decide if i am going to re-embrace the old bitch in me or fully embrace the new domesticated me. . . they don't get on well with each other and there will soon be a fight to the death. i'm cheering for the bitch!

Ruth said...

mmmmmmmm, vegetable biryani.

Anonymous said...

- The earrings you wore to Xmas Eve breakfast were certainly unlike any I'd ever seen in your photos. Assuming they were new, you're on your way.

- Porn might be an interesting career path, but I think it would severely underutilize your vocabulary.

- Flossing - always a good thing.

Vicky in Vancouver said...

Happy New Year to you, Franklin, and thanks for the gift of your writing.

Lighten up on the cleaning issue - after all, do you want to be remembered for your very clean grout lines? I thot not.

I am not aware of anyone's health being threatened by groutus domesticus northamericana.

Arlette said...

My trick is talking about the unusual and cutting-edge use of humor in "Family Guy." Discussing comedy with utter seriousness and with a lot of wild gesturing is a great way to get people to change the subject. Apparently.

Hollyeqq said...

You kill me - love the resolutions.
Good luck with the dance lessons!
Holly

Anonymous said...

I suggest medical hydrogen peroxide (yup, the type in the brown bottle -- NOT the undiluted stuff) and a scrubby sponge or brush for the grout. It does a great job of wiping out the mold itself, and then you can bleach the stains out later with a bleach solution.

Just, y'know, rinse well in between. And wear gloves, if possible. Peroxide is effective, but nasty on the hands. Even the medical variety.

christine said...

Oh lord, I SO want to see you sing "Stormy Weather".............

Happy New Year!!!!

rams said...

Not jejeune, mon petit, just jeune -- with, perhaps, an entirely justifiable amount of "je"

sappmama said...

You are hilarious. Happy 2007.

Carol said...

Sounds like a good list to me. The poetry sounds great, we'll just pretend it's one of your other personalities writing them. To you and Delores, a Happy New Year and Happy when it gets old year too!

Jo said...

Merry New Year, Dolores! Love the belly dancing outfit! (And a Gauge swatch of perfection for 2007 for you as well, Franlin!)

Anonymous said...

white paint works on grout
just say'n :P
You also made one of my resolutions easier..i shall indeed keep to my resolution of not saying 'fuck off' before noon.
However, i just might say 'fuck off and die' instead
beamingly
yours

Butterflyknits said...

Gauge... interesting concept. Might have to try it ... once I find the other needle, and wrestle the yarn from my inner cat. BTW, love your cartoons, remembered not to drink anything while reading your blog and...have you ever thought of moving to New Orleans?

sogalitno said...

my resolution

READ PANOPTICON DAILY.

happy new year!

Isela: Purling Sprite said...

Happy New Year :)--enjoy the no. 11 :)

Lara said...

About #4, have you tried the Mr. Clean Magic Sponge? That thing really works. Or, you could go all retro with Barkeeper's Friend.

Lucia said...

I resolve to be more jejune, if at all possible.

Barb B. said...

I lived for 25 years in the mildew capital of the world. "Mold and Mildew Stain Remover" and a gas mask. Don't try to operate heavy equipment after use.
Belly Dancing...I fulfilled a strange 30 year long desire and went and took lessons. I now know "Hernia" much better than I wanted to.
"Kiss my Arse" is my phrase of choice for early morning encounters. I over used it at the last job, and the rumour went around that I had lips tatooed on my butt.
Barb B.

Linda in Maine said...

I read your resolutions to my husband. He says to tell you that oral health is underrated and you might want to move flossing up a number or two.

knitnzu said...

Belly dancing with a fluffy sheep... Poor Dolores! I'd definitely say have somebody else do the grout. When it's real grout, and black...time to move or redo the wall. Otherwise hold your breath, pour on the bleach (NFG for walls), and run outta there before the fumes kill your lungs. I'm rather fond of NFG, came from a couple of Calabrese at a swedish auto shop I worked in (no fuckin good). Resolutions? Nope. To do lists, yup, but these are SO flexible and I never care if things get crossed off because you can always write a new one, after all it's just a list.

Joanne said...

RE: #7. Can you really hold off until 10:30?!

anne marie in philly said...

happy new year to you and dolores!

did you remember to pick up the sock yarn from mollywobbles and the two sock knitters?

hmmmmm, habit singing sinatra...that I gotta hear!

Carson said...

Clearly a 'hot-button' issue Franklin..your #4 has really brought the bleachers out of the groutwork.

marie in florida said...

i started my new year with four days off work, and i sewed five dresses for my pre-born Granddaughter , Vivi. i love her; she makes me smile.
ditto you, franklin, you make me smile and i love ya!

Debbie said...

There is a time limit before you can say "Fuck Off and Die"? Oh Lord, who knew.

I can still throw the offender that look before 10:30 a.m., right?

Jessica said...

haha. Too funny. I was cracking up reading this. Your resolutions should be everyones! It's nice not to see "lose weight" or "quit smoking". Family Guy and Fuck. There is no way anyone could give those up! I have #12 for you: Disregard #1-10. :D

And don't worry about the self-realization moments around new years. I have them too. This years is posted on the blog.

Here's another idea. Podcast. Imagine the listeners!!

john said...

Porn? I hope it includes me??

denny Mcmillan said...

Shake it baby.

denny Mcmillan said...

Shake it like a porn star

Anonymous said...

I am new to your blog, and let me say, that you had me with the donkey sweater, but anyone who uses the word 'jejune' in a post? Rapture!

stephen said...

Let's talk about #9. I don't know if you saw my audition photos in December chez mon blog.

Something for 2008?

Anonymous said...

You might try: http://www.abundantyarn.com/shopping/jewelry/

Anonymous said...

Tips for #2 & #3. Attend a Chicago Gay Men's Chorus concert. During the first half, peruse the performers and pick a few likely candidates for voice lessons. During intermission, make small talk with the prospective voice teachers. In the second half, narrow down your choice. Meet your selection at the end of the concert and ask if he would like to discuss voice techniques.

Anonymous said...

Franklin,
One of my resolutions was to stop saying fuck . . . and then my idiot neighbors decided that 1:22 a.m. on New Year's Day was a good time to shoot off fireworks . . . I guess they had fallen into a drunken doze and missed midnight.
Mary Lynn
p.s. moving works well for the grout situation

Anonymous said...

As a belly dancer, I think a sheep belly dancer might be dangerous that some major felting action might go on when it shimmies! Thanks for the laugh!

Erin B

David said...

I'd like to hear a little bit more about #9.

Lizbon said...

Holy cow, I thought I was the only one who'd made flossing a formal resolution. Not sure whether this is encouraging or discouraging, but I ultimately succeeded in becoming a daily flosser - after five years of resolving to do it. Hope it doesn't take you as long...

Anonymous said...

i like #9

Jennie said...

Ah, you inspire me. That is a good list.