Friday, January 19, 2007

FYI

I have it on the authority of a guy who was preaching in my subway car last night that because our city allowed a Gay Pride parade and hosted the Gay Games, Lake Michigan is getting bigger and deeper and is going to rise up and destroy the greater Chicagoland area.

I asked him if he knew exactly when this was going to happen, but he didn't. He just said we're living at the end of days, and so we have to repent now. Right. Like I don't have enough to do this weekend.

He couldn't even tell me exactly how to repent, although I understand vaguely that it involves a trip to the South Side. That's one heck of a train ride. Maybe I could get Aidan take care of it for me, since he lives down there anyway.

I also asked the guy if only the gay people would drown, but he said no, everybody's going under. Unless, I suppose, they've gone outlet shopping in Gurnee for the day.

On behalf of my tribe, I 'd like to say that I'm really sorry, especially if you just bought a condo near the lake. I didn't think repeated viewings of The Women and a fondness for leather motorcycle gear could lead to something so catastrophic or I'd have been more careful. But this guy swears it's true. Hurricane Katrina, it seems, was brought on by the evil convergence of lycra t-shirts, back issues of Honcho and old Barbra Streisand LPs.

He did take care to point out that it's just the gay men who are responsible. Lesbians, you're in the clear, because you're "kinda hot, whooo-eee!"

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go pump up my Floaties and put on my swim fins.

90 comments:

Anonymous said...

Damn, the power we have! Of course, if the same applies to the Atlantic Ocean, then we'll have shorefront property in a few years. And they said it was global warming. Crazy mortals.

Anonymous said...

Sounds like that fish needs a bicycle!

rams said...

Well,I think the rest of us owe y'all a vote of thanks. The water level of the Greal Lakes had been dropping, so anything you can do to boost it is much appreciated. (Unless you're only boosting it on your side, which is at least as probable as the initial assumption. In that case we should alert Saugatuck that they've got to try harder. More leather! More fabulous!)

Lin said...

Gee - I live in PA on Lake Erie. If Michigan overflows, I guess it's just a matter of time before the water gets to us, too. I', really glad I have a kayak.

Ted said...

I've been sitting here for 30 seconds with tears rolling down my cheeks. That lesbian thing wasn't *that* funny, after all, but, oh man, I musta really need a laugh. Maybe the week was worse than I thought it was.

Thanks. Mwah!

Anonymous said...

I don't know, Boobelah...maybe you'll need to go further south than Hyde Park. We've got wierdos, homos, lesbos, pinkos, and various and sundry deviates who are certain to be joining your cute little Buddhist tuchas in the fires of eternal damnation.

Since I will probably be joining you there, I was thinking that when the End Day came I would wear the Prada shoes I got for $2.00 at a resale shop, but they pinch a little, and who wants to spend eternity with sore feet, so I'm going to wear my crocs a pair of hand made socks.

Namasde, Boychick.

Anonymous said...

Oh gosh, Franklin, I'm sorry to be laughing at such homophobia, but your reaction is so dear. I realize one can either cry or laugh over this ignorance and your choosing to laugh makes you a much better person than I. Thanks.

Anonymous said...

I just knew global warming wasn't true; some sort of liberal fantasy. Well, the females willing to wear skirts and the males willing to cross dress still have a chance. There is a dress with a skirt that inflates into a kayak. See current Fiber Arts mag.

Ever since I've moved here, I feel like I'm missing news-must be that we don't have a subway.

Anonymous said...

Franklin, you are priceless!

Vicky in Vancouver said...

Thanks for the update. Always nice to find out any new cause & effect relationships.

Are you also to blame for the snow & ice we've had in Vancouver this winter? Global warming, my Aunt Fanny, in this neck o' the woods.

Carol said...

Oh no! where are my water wings......

Bill said...

That guy isn't a very good Biblical scholar. God promised there'd be no more floods to punish mortals. Something about Noah getting drunk and showing his nakedness to his sons. Now a second Chicago Fire: that's a possibility. Was Mrs. O'Leary a lesbian?

Anonymous said...

It's only Lake Michigan that is going to overflow?
Well, thank goodness I live in the San Francisco Bay Area, I will be safe!

Anonymous said...

I'm glad someone like Subway Man finally nailed the real problem that is facing America today. Pat Robertson hinted at it, long ago, when he rightly observed that gay persons are in charge of the weather, but not enough people listened to him. Clearly the thing to do is to elect a gay president/vp ticket, together with a gay congress (hmn) and a whole flock of gay supreme court justices -- and then we can get the right laws passed by the people who have the actual (gay) power.

Anonymous said...

Time to start knitting that lace coracle, eh?

Pearls Mother said...

I'm glad that your commute was entertaining,
I wonder how long it will take the overflow to get to Australia?

Sean said...

Wait...what did residents of Chicago do to take the fall for all of the rest of us? Should we in Boston be measuring the depth of the Charles River?

And, I agree with Leslie. The older I get (soon to be 42) the more I realize that trying to educate the ignorant just pushes them further into their position. did you happen to catch Bush's 60 Minutes interview? Case-In-Point.

Thanks for the chuckle, off to knit and watch tennis.

Linda said...

That serves you right for encouraging weirdos on train. Now he'll getencouraged to talk to more commuters!

MonicaPDX said...

Um...did you ask him so why haven't Hawaii's volcanos erupted and buried the islands because they allow gay marriage? I mean, c'mon; just focusing on Chicago is really kinda elitist, y'know? Give other areas a chance! Fergodssake, what about San Francisco?! Portland had a famous local drag queen as Grand Marshall of our Starlight Parade one year. There must be thousands of other opportunities nation- and world-wide.

Clearly, this guy is thinking too small.

Rachael said...

That is why, darling, even the Old Testament men left us out.
"Should we put in that a woman shouldn't lie with a woman?"
"Are you kidding? Shut up! Leave them alone! That's hot!"

Sarah said...

Soungs nice -- Chicago could be come the Venice of the Midwest. And where would windsurfing be a more appropriate hobby?

Shelda said...

This was similar to the "reason" I heard for the century flood back in the 1990s. I always thought it rather odd that when the apocalypse came, it came first to Des Moines.

Juno said...

I know it is unladylike to hope for, but I would not grieve if he tripped and fell into something nasty on the way home.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the heads up. I was planning to take a road trip to Chicago sometime this year, but we will go ahead and change are plans and go to Buffalo instead.

outside the box said...

Wow you guys are powerful. That is some mojo. And I thought it was from all that oil we were burning.

Grace said...

Whoopee! That means that I will be that much closer to the lake...since I live just west of Gurnee. And it would be AOK if Gurnee mills mall got drowned by Lake Michigan. Eek. Talk about the worst of middle america congregated all in one place. Velour city! But all the little sailors from Great Lakes Naval Base are too cute for school. Hey, now can we call Chicago the modern day Sodom and Gomorah? Heeheeheehee!!!

Lee Ann said...

Clearly, you need a good bra and a girlfriend.

Hey, mail me, please. I've lost all sorts of important information thanks to the deadness of my doorstop formerly known as That Fucking Computer and I need to call you.

Anonymous said...

he's not small minded, it's just "each one, teach one" on a global scale. each loon, er, prophet is responsible for one locale. that's what the message in his alpha-bits told him anyway. . .

Carol said...

I for one am going to stock up on giant space storage bags. I have lots of cotton in the stash. I sure hope Delores floats!

Anonymous said...

You keep right on talking to oddballs on the train, Franklin. It makes for very entertaining posts. I really appreciate your sense of humor. It lightens my heart :-)

H

Anonymous said...

OK, so Lake Michigan is going to flood just Chicago? Michigan, Wisconsin, Indiana...they're all safe? Are they somehow less gay than Chicago? What about the other great lakes? I mean, this could become international, and gay is LEGAL in Canada, so God can't smite the Canadians.

webber the webulous webhead said...

Swim fins, tee hee.

Anonymous said...

Um Franklin? I think I sent you an email but am not sure. So apologies for any repeated info. (I am so not tech savvy!!)You may not have a flax wheel. It could be a parlor wheel.

Check the diameter of the wheel orifice. Typically for flax wheels they measured 1/2" or smaller i.e 3/8". Also check for an indent on the wheel table. This would be where a small bowl/pot would rest for holding water. Some tables actually have an indentation cut out on the side of the table. Others have an indent worn or carved out on the top of the table (usually very close to the maidens).

Wet spun flax produces a very sleek linen thread as opposed to dry spun. Also the wheel ratios will be fairly high since flax spinning requires a lot of twist. You may only have one or two ratios but they will probably (no guarantee though) be greater than 15:1.

A parlor wheel is a very refined smaller wheel. These were dainty wee things that ladies used to while away the hours. This was for a certain class m'dear not the working farm women. We are defintiely not talking production wheels. Bobbin capacity on parlor wheels is much smaller as a function of their size. Think Royal Doulton figurines as you spin. Oh and watch out for the crinolines and I think the best china should be out for tea. I have actually had the good fortune to see one that was quite small. I don't think the wheel diameter was more than 16". It had bone inlay and drops. There was a lot of fine carving on the spokes as well.


For more information you could try contacting the Transport Museum (I know strange name) in Belfast, N. Ireland. The textile museum in Lowell MA might also be a good reference point for you.

Also there are a number of wheel history books out there. I think there is one but sadly OOP from the Canadian Museum of Man, (contact the Canadian National Library for more info.) I hope this helps.

Oh one more thing! Check under your wheel table. You often find markings as to the maker.

Happy spinning et bonjour Mlle. Delores!

Isabel

Anonymous said...

And it's only a matter of time before the flood runs downhill to Lake Ontario. I'm glad I live on a hill.

Anonymous said...

Was the guy's name Isaiah Washington, by any chance? He swears he didn't say it, but does admit he has issues...

Lizbon said...

Guys like that are the reason the good lord gave us iPods (I know, I know, iPods are not a gift from god, but on certain train rides they seem divinely inspired). Good thing you have a sense of humor, eh?

Anonymous said...

I knew that openmindedness is bad for you, how else did Strom Thurmond get to be so old.
Here in Krautland we are currently kicking the idea around to have gay civil unions go national (we've got them where I live, go Hamburg!). National except for Bavaria, of course (that's our Texas and Alabama combined). This Thursday and Friday? Worst storm in at least 20 years over ALL of Germany. Casualties, billions of damage, mayhem and quite possibly brimstone. Least damage? In Bavaria. Coincidence?

Anonymous said...

By that logic then Sydney must be next on the flooding list - give me a heads up when you feel a little damp round the ankles and I'll put off my commute down to work from the Mountains. (Is 600 metres high enough I wonder?)

jessie said...

That's why I live in Vermont. When the homosexual apocalyptic floods come, I want to be on high ground. (We have "civil unions" up here; I wonder if the mountains are going to crumble...)

Rachel H said...

I'm beginning to think you shouldn't be allowed out without a chaperone.

Anonymous said...

You can really learn so much on the subway. There used to be a guy at the Farragut North Metro station in DC, at least three times a week. He had a megaphone, and would warn riders, "If you are not sancti-fied, you will get sui-cide!" (Emphasis on the i being pronounced as ee.)

And here I was just worried about catching someone else's cold.

Cheryl :) said...

Oh brother -- there are nutballs in every religion -- it can drive a person crazy. And if anyone believes that guy, I have some oceanfront property in Arizona I can sell him. I guess I better go on that diet I've talking so much about so I can fit in that little hole in the kayak without getting stuck!!!

PuppyMomma said...

I knew it was only a matter of time. Thank goodness I had my basement waterproofed.

*snort*

Bobbi said...

Wow! Will this rise and flooding of Lake Michigan come as far north as Sheboygan? My "boat boys" have been preaching the falling lake levels for the past few years. Does that mean that it is draining in Sheboygan to raise up and destroy Chicago!?! Boy, maybe that means we won't need the Mackinac Bridge anymore since everything is draining south.

Marcy said...

I had no idea you gay guys had such power. That's fabulous! But that part about lesbians? That's just patriarchal bull. If you guys get to control major geographical features, then we should get to do so, too.

Do you think you could talk to him and get him to change his mind?

Barb B. said...

This guy on the bus is sooo wrong. My kid's 3rd grade teacher phoned me up 15 years ago, and assured me that my son's behaviour was of absolutely no consequence anymore, as he had already brought on the end of days as forecast, and the world would end within the next 6 months. (True story)
Next time, tell the guy he's wrong, the world ended in the 1990's some time, and it's all just a dream.
Barb b.

Knit Mongrel said...

It's getting kind of dry in my apartment anyway, so I guess we could use the moisture.

And didn't you already know? Gay folks are the cause of Global Warming, North Korea's nuclear missiles, and the Irish Potato Famine.

I'll bet we can blame Illegal Immigrants on the Lesbians, though. They may be kind of hot, but you know they attract Mexicans.

Yeesh. Gotta love Chicago. Thanks for adding fuel to my ready-to-leave-this-city fire.

Anonymous said...

what a great read for a freezing cold Saturday morning..thank you!

Bonnita said...

No, no, no. This can't happen THIS weekend! The Bears are playing tomorrow!

Erika said...

Oh Franklin, I am so sorry to hear that! I did not know that sexual orientation could have such catastrophic effects, but it sounds like he knows what he's talking about.

You will be missed.

(Can I have your yarn?)

Jenn said...

According to the picture in my head, Dolores will look quite fetching paddling along in her rainbow-striped inner tube, pulling a raft of sock yarn behind her. But if the debauchery and subsequent sinking of Venice is any indication, it may take a few centuries before Michigan Ave is under water.

TChemGrrl said...

Was that the dude in the silver face paint that goes downtown and does The Robot Dance for spare change? I don't even live in Chicago but for some reason I always end up seeing him preaching and/or dancing.

Anonymous said...

So this is a Local Apocalypse then? Surely cities around the globe should compete in some sort of reality TV show for the right to host the first one?

Anonymous said...

Well, guess you better get out your relocation wheel again. Come here. Or SF. Probably to Austin tho, because they aren't susceptible to the earthquakes caused by dancing to old Village People tunes. (HA!)

Anonymous said...

Grrrrrrr. What an idiot. I can't believe I know people like that (but I do *sigh*).

You have my permission (as if you need it) to smack idiots like that (I wonder if they'd like it).

Anonymous said...

We went out today, bud didn't see any salvation for sale. We will keep an eye out.

Myfanwe says to tell you that she's not worried, she swims very well. Oh, and that you'd look cute in square-cut trunks.

Molly said...

Only "kinda" hot? Golly, that man is a tad insulting!

Joanne said...

If you see him again, could you ask him why we get blizzards every Friday in Denver?

baxterknits said...

What, you mean to say it's you guys? I thought it was the gay penguins. Sheesh!

marie in florida said...

when "snakes on a plane" was at the theaters, a guy on the bus told me that a cobra will bite you and not let go and you have to get a popcycle stick and scrape it off.
the things we learn...
hey wait, what about florida? won't south beach go next?

Sarah said...

Hey Franklin, I have to be in Chicago at the end of next month for the Halloween and Party Show. I could maybe try to sneak you in if you promise to take me yarn snorting.

Anonymous said...

surely the global warming effect is caused by men who getting overheated thinking about lesbians?

Anonymous said...

Man, that's totally going to suck for you. Sorry to hear that.

I was talking to my partner yesterday about global warming and oceans rising and how much higher the North Sea could get before we'd seriously have to think about relocating. (We're in Amsterdam.) He doesn't think we're in any danger - even though 2/3 of the country is below sea level. I'm sort of surprised that Chicago's going under. But it sounds like the guy had it on good authority.

Hope you continue to blog after you surface.

Anonymous said...

Please send more gay men to Oklahoma City immediately; our lakes are very low due to persistant drought.

Donna in Virginia said...

Thank you for posting this invaluable information. I live just outside DC and I will arrange for Homo-land Security to come to Chicago, ready for the flood. FEMA will be there also so y'all are in good hands, just like New Orleans.

Carson said...

My partner and I had been holding our breath on this issue.
But now we can finally breathe a huge guilt-free sigh of relief knowing it's out of our hands.
Not only that but subway-preachin' homophobes think we're hot! I am hysterical with relief and joy.

anneonymousone said...

I just forwarded a link to this post to a half-dozen left-leaning sorts with this comment: "At other times, fortunately enough, he is as pissed and eloquent as he is pithy and eloquent here."

Your sense of balance is as elegant as your writing.

I want to be you when I grow up.

Lady Wyvern said...

Will those west of Naragansett survive or will it just continue west and stop at the city border.... just asking, as we are relocating in 17 months back home, and if so we will need to look for an apartment somewhere out around Cumberland and Lawrence."

sahara said...

Franklin, Chicago isn't getting any better. But Sydney, Australia is in the midst of a drought and a very gay city.

Now, if you could harness the water from the coming flood, and get it down to them, you'd be a hero! Hey, think about it. The weather's fab, and the people in general are SO much more civil.

sahara said...

Franklin, Chicago isn't getting any better. But Sydney, Australia is in the midst of a drought and a very gay city.

Now, if you could harness the water from the coming flood, and get it down to them, you'd be a hero! Hey, think about it. The weather's fab, and the people in general are SO much more civil.

Anonymous said...

Does this mean that I'm going to have to learn to swim? Damn, I did such a good job of avoiding that all my life. By the way, Franklin, have you been to any of the City's Stitching Salon deals yet?

Anonymous said...

I was riding the brown line on Friday with a guy shooting snot rockets all over a 3 foot radius. The good Chicagoans were warning everyone new to the train car. Although I'm sorry you had to deal with your own train friend just think, he could've been infectious as well.

witchpoo said...

Wow! Who knew you had that much power? Man, I am so praying for the Rapture so I can have my world back.

Tomme said...

HAHAHA!!! I'm holding my sides in pain from laughter. Look at it this way -- at least you're being entertained during your commute. Life is sooo much more interesting than fiction.

David said...

The whole premise is so beyond ridiculous that I can't think of a thing to say.

brewerburns said...

I'm sorry that you had to listen to hatred on your commute. It sounds like you handled it well.

Personally, I'm just waiting for the Pacific to swallow the Cascade range, so then I will have beach-adjacent property.

Anonymous said...

Several years ago, Pat Robertson said Orlando was going to be devastated by terrible hurricanes and tornadoes and earthquakes (earthquakes?) because we flew rainbow flags for Gay Days at Disney. For years afterward, every storm that came our way suddenly veered off at the last minute and missed us entirely. A local columnist pointed out that there is only one plausible explanation - God likes show tunes.

Anonymous said...

Don't worry, you can swim here to Pittsburgh. We're a gay mecca, you know--Queer as Folk showed the world that much. We've got three rivers, but plenty of high hills to escape to when they start to rise.

Carrie said...

Ahhhhhhh! You're funny =-) Next time you're in this situation, you can counter with the fact that they're taking water from the Great Lakes and bottling it, which has got to be a consumer service to save Chicago. I didn't realize the water bottling companies were so altruistic.

Lucinda said...

I think it's great that you can still keep your sense of humour when someone says something so ridiculous. Now that I've heard your guest spots on Cast On, I can't help but "hear" you reading it in your voice, which makes your comments even more funny. (As I am NOT known for being able to give a good humourous delivery.)

Anonymous said...

I just have to wonder what happens to those who are bisexual? Do we only get a severe soaking, a long dunk, or have to carry around our own mister bottles?

Hollyeqq said...

Damn good thing you ran into this guy - or else how would you have known?
Did you smack him or show him your fins?
Take care
Holly

Anonymous said...

Hmmmm. Sounds like this guy is plugged into the whole global warming thing....you know, cause if the ice on the landmasses in the Arctic and Antarctic melt, sea level will rise and presumably lake levels will too.

But the whole gays being responsible for global warming might be taking it a bit far.....Now if he had said Big Oil and it's older, meaner big brother Big Business were raising water levels in Lake Michigan, that I could believe....yessirree.

April said...

Don't fret; Oprah will protect you all.

marjorie said...

Love your green socks! And you were very lucky to find the spinning wheel. I would really like to learn to card and spin. I love antiques which work, so I bought a circular sock knitting machine last summer. I have a feeling that I'll be learning to card and spin sometime in the near future.

Trope said...

Oh, noes! The end of the world! If it does come to that, I'd much rather stick with you (swim fins and all) than put up with subway preachers. So I guess we're all goin' down together. (giggle giggle)

But Lordy, doesn't it torque you occasionally? It does for me. I don't know if I should be trying harder to get them to see reason, or just waiting for them to die.

Anonymous said...

Happy Birthday!

Priscilla said...

You gotta see this:

http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=1793293187

This video will teach you things, like "there's no Back Door" to heaven (wink, wink), and "God hates a F**."

I didn't know this before. However, since the guy made a music video of his message, it must be true.

mad angel said...

God, but I love your Dry Wit! Thank you, I needed that chuckle today. Churchy people been making me blue of late, and there's nothing about it I can chuckle at. Lunatic fringe, on the other hand...

Oh, and tell Willibald he is absolutely NOT allowed to stop knitting anytime. His projects came out great. He MUST keep on keepin' on!

Paula

jhonmithwa said...

Nice Post love it

Womens Leather Skirts