Wednesday, July 19, 2006

All This Meat, and No Potatoes


Hi. It's Dolores.

I don't why this always happens, but Laughing Boy is behind in his packing for Knitting Camp and so he's shoving off the post on me today. Fine. I'm ready to go. I was ready a week ago. Don't I look ready? The tank was a lucky score off the sale rack at Nordstrom. I had to wrestle it away from another customer, but once I got the walker out of her hands the rest was easy.

This is definitely a good time to leave town. In case you didn't know, Chicago's been invaded by gay athletes and frankly, it's starting to get me down. For example, I was walking home from the market the other day since we'd run out of the breakfast cereal His Majesty must have every morning or he gets whiny, and here comes this absolute fleet of male muscle down the boulevard. I put a little extra hitch in my getalong, if you know what I mean, and...nothing. Not even a bat of the eyelashes. And then I realized. All seven of them...gay gay gay gay gay gay gay.

And when this happens to you eight or ten times in a day, which it did, a girl starts to feel invisible and that makes her crabby. Especially since the emotional wounds inflicted by Ted's inattention are still so fresh. My therapist said I should stop going after the pansy boys and take a pottery class to sublimate the impulse. But I can't help it. They're so yummy. And washing clay out of wool is a bitch.

A Gathering of the Herd

But enough about me. I just remembered I'm supposed to tell you there's going to be a knitting bloggers shindig at Arcadia Knitting on July 31 at 7 p.m. You don't have to be a blogger to go, I guess they're just going to have some on display in case you want check and see how misleading their photos are.

I'm sure as hell not going to miss it. Every time those girls at Arcadia roll up the rug you are guaranteed an ass-shaking good time. Of course, Whatshisname is going to be there, so they might keep a lid on things out of respect to his Delicate Sensibilities. But we can always lock him in the storeroom or something if he's too much of a wet blanket.

Okay, I have to go. We're having dinner tonight with one of the gay muscleheads, some guy from New York City who is apparently an athlete and a cop and a knitter. I mean, can you imagine? Equal access to yarn and handcuffs. The mind reels, cupcakes. I was thinking of playing up the law enforcement theme by wearing this sweet top I got at Agn├Ęs B that has "BAD GIRL" written across the bust in red sequins.

I know. I know. What can I tell you? Emily D. was wrong. Hope is not the thing with feathers, it's the thing with fleece.

19 comments:

Sara in WI said...

Just a note to Dolores.....Pack a book. If you don't knit, you won't find much action at Knitting Camp. You will get plenty of attention.....for your loverly wool coat. Just stay away from anyone with scissors and you'll be alright! Have fun! And eat some fried cheese curds for me!
Sara in WI

Anonymous said...

Dolores, Sweetie,
Leave the book at home we have a whole list of activities planned for you. First on the list is a meet and greet with the other campers followed by a field trip and I do mean field. We have a margarita glass with your name on it. Trust me we know how to show our favorite sheep a good time.

Anonymous said...

After a few margaritas you can join the kick line we will form. With our "pointy Sticks" in the air we will finish the night with that famous ballad, "Girls Just Want to Have Fun."

JoVE said...

I think you will find that that dinner guest is also a Canadian (albeit an expat). You are getting lots of opportunity to attone for your insults to our fair nation earlier in the year, D.

Carol said...

Can it be that I suddenly have sympathy for Dolores? I have met Lars (your dinner guest, I presume) and he's luscious. Charming, witty, funny, ironic, and tres adorable -- plus I hear he carries a rather, um, large nightstick. It's cold shower time for you, Dolly. Been there, done that.

Anonymous said...

poor dolores.

don't let those pix of lars' bathtub yarn porn fool ya - he bats for the other team.

what's a girl to do when all the hot-looking guys don't even realize you exist? and furthermore don't give a rat's ass?

ah well, shake yer booty and lift a cold one at knitting camp for me.

anne marie in philly

Jackie said...

I have confidence that Dolores can find action wherever she may roam.

Andrea Rusin said...

The 31st at Arcadia, huh? I'd love to meet you, Dolores dear. I have a t-shirt you'd love!

The Purloined Letter said...

A PERFECT last line!

Gayle said...

Dolores,
Congratulations on making it to the big time - being mentioned on www.gapersblock.com!

Anne said...

Oh Dolores, can I ever sympathize. Mine is a quilting cowboy though. Have a drink for me, would ya?

Flossie said...

He's an athlete AND a policeman AND HE KNITS. Good Lord. I need to lie down.

Jon said...

Oooh, just a few weeks and I get to see Old Whatshisname's getalong...{giggle}

Lucia said...

So many here have gone before, Dolores,
We all could lift our voices in a chorus,
A wail, a sigh, a bleat, each in her way,
Why must the pretty ones be always gay?

Sean said...

I'm so excited for you...going to knitting camp. Have a great time!

Scootermom said...

Dolores,
This does not need to be posted. I wait eagerly for your appearances, have ordered some of your lovely garments.........would you consider starting a line of Dolores Rubber Stamps (get your mind out of the gutter)?
Afixing your image on scrap book pages, tablecloths at restaurants, the back of taxi cab seats......well you get the idea. There are far too few knitting related stamps.......please

fuzzarelly said...

Dolores, were you the model for this???

http://www.muttonbone.com/

Anonymous said...

"Equal access to yarn and handcuffs" - LOL!

restaurante arkupe said...

Thanks for the article, very helpful information.