Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Blazing a Trail

For a candidate whose party funds are low, particularly on the morning after dollar beer/quarter lap dance night at the Lucky Horseshoe, Dolores has been covering an awful lot of ground on her campaign tour.

Ajax, Ontario, Canada

Ajax, Ontario, Canada

Canadians won't be voting for the next president of the United States, but Dolores took advantage of a Netsaver fare to spread international goodwill on behalf of the party. "I just adore Canadians," she said during a roadside address to a crowd of three at a busy crossing in Ajax. "You're industrious, you're polite, you appreciate good wool and you put beer on your breakfast cereal. What's not to love?"

Sacramento, California

Sacramento, CA

A loyal Fibertarian in the California capital snagged this shot of the candidate's motorcade as she prepared to tour the city and curry favor with the natives by tossing handfuls of Pall Mall cigarettes into the throng.

Indianapolis, Indiana


When Dolores paid a surprise call on a typical American family in the heart of the Heartland, their excitement was overwhelming.

Hong Kong, China

Hong Kong, China

Understanding full well that China's emerging power is a force to be reckoned with, Dolores visited the nerve center of the country's economy. "If I were an American," said a local official, "this is the candidate I would support. She is head and shoulders above the crowd."

Sioux City, Iowa

Sioux City, IA

Even her opponents admit that Dolores knows her way around the legal system. In Sioux City, she playfully ruled on several cases at the federal courthouse before the marshal managed to chew through the ropes and spoil the fun.

Cologne, Minnesota

Cologne, MN

During a visit to this charming corner of Minnesota, Dolores partied with her power base at Whistling Winds Farm.

Chicago, Illinois

Chicago, IL

During a whistle stop in her home city, Dolores garnered the endorsement of the powerful Future Knitters of America lobby.

Jacksonville, Florida

Jacksonville, FL

Although securing of world peace is way up there on the candidate's to-do list, she was proud to pose with this symbol of American military preparedness. "I want our men and women in uniform to know I am right behind them," said she said. "And I'm willing to get on top of them, too, if that's what they'd prefer."

Mountain Park, Georgia

Mountain Park, GA

When it comes to supporting environmentalism, even Al Gore has nothing on Dolores. Here, she communes with nature in one of Georgia's garden spots. "I take great pride," she said, "in noting that I, myself, am at least 80% biodegradable. Top that, McCain."

Tallahassee, Florida

Tallahassee, FL

At Really Knit Stuff, Dolores revealed her vision of the Local Yarn Store as the new backbone of America's economy. "In the nation we will create," she wrote, "there will be yarn on every corner, and a skein in every dye pot."

Austin, Texas

Austin, TX

At Fibertarian Party stronghold The Knitting Nest, all stops were pulled out for a massive rally and all-night square dance. "Austin," said Dolores, "is the place I visit when I want to feel normal."

The University of Maine at Orono

Orono, ME

The first of Dolores's many stadium appearances took place on the verdant grounds of the University of Maine at Orono. "I have a dream," said the candidate, gazing down upon the sea of eager students. "I have a dream, and you are part of it. At least, those of you who are at least 18 years of age are part of it. Eighteen is legal in Maine, right? Or is it sixteen?"

Portland, Oregon

Portland, OR

In Portland, Dolores was abducted and briefly held captive in the back seat of a Volkswagen by a deranged fan before being rescued by police.

Casper, Wyoming

Casper, WY

"This place," said Dolores, "really gives Austin a run for its money."

Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

Pittsburgh, PA

Another capacity crowd greeted the candidate at Heinz Field. Really. They all showed up at once, right after this picture was taken. Honest.

Pittsburgh, PA

Afterwards, one of the city's most eligible bachelors escorted Dolores to a scenic viewpoint and then she made the rest of us leave for half an hour.

Columbus, Ohio

Columbus, OH

Who better to put the "swing" in swing state? On the first day of early voting for Ohio elections, Ms. Van Hoofen gets as close as legally possible to a public polling place. (We are happy to report that her fine for trespassing on public greenery was later overturned.)

Juneau, Alaska

Juneau, AK

"She's right," said Dolores during a brief stop at the Alaska governor's mansion. "You really can see Russia from the front porch." The lady of the house was not at home, so our candidate left a gift for her on the steps. (It took four men with scrub brushes and bleach five hours to remove it.)

Gourock, Inverclyde; and Edinburgh, Scotland


"It has long been a commonplace," said Dolores, "that in Scotland, the men are strong and the sheep are nervous. I would like to think that during my visit those roles were reversed."


Falmouth, Kentucky

Kentucky Sheep and Wool

During an impromptu appearance at the Kentucky Wool Festival, Dolores scared the hell out of a spinner in the vendor market. "You would think," she said, "that he'd be accustomed to chicks like me hanging around him."

Brunswick, Ohio

Brunswick, OH

Although she is primarily known as a musical genius and political visionary, Dolores ably stepped in to substitute teach Italian at this Ohio high school because she is a very cunning linguist.

Soquel, California

Soquel, CA

"What the hell is up with putting water on the bar?" said Dolores. "Freaking Californians."

Doha, Qatar

Doha, Qatar

It's a long way to the Persian Gulf, but no distance is too great for our girl to travel when there are loyal Fibertarians to be met. They had cake!

Eugene, Oregon

Eugene, OR

A deeply sunburnt Dolores (it's very sunny in Qatar) joined supporters Meg (center) and Oliver (right) for a photo opportunity at the annual Eugene Memory Walk for the Alzheimer's Association of Oregon. Addressing the crowd, Dolores said, "This is a cause dear to my heart. You can't truly appreciate what a precious thing memory is unless you've blacked out as many times as I have."

Kansas City, Missouri

Kansas City, MO

In a stunning display of largesse, Dolores posed with Fibertarian organizer Laura Gayle (left) and openly hostile Canadian blogger Stephanie Pearl-McPhee, aka Yarn Harlot. Pearl-McPhee, who (we repeat) is Canadian, famously questioned our beloved candidate's qualifications an episode of the popular Y Knit podcast. The two have since kissed and made up, although Pearl-McPhee (the Canadian) denies the kissing part.

And the Bleat Goes On...

The tour doesn't end until November 1, so if you'd like to host Dolores and be considered for the grand prize for best photo, check out this entry for details.

See You at Rhinebeck? Or Elsewhere?

The official launch of It Itches: A Stash of Knitting Cartoons is this weekend at the New York Sheep and Wool Festival! I'll be signing copies on Saturday from noon until at least 2 p.m. at the Carolina Homespun (yum!) booth (not in the author tent).

Some folks have been asking about a tour and/or book signings, and here's what I can tell you.
  • As appearances are confirmed, they're added to the list here.

  • I'll happily go anywhere I'm asked, if the proper arrangements can be made. Don't see your town on the list yet, but would like to? Recommend me to your guild or your favorite LYS. All they have to do is write to me at franklin at franklinhabit daht cahm and I'll happily send along my list of my offerings (talks, readings, classes, etc) and travel requirements.


laura gayle said...

Wow, I'm humbled to have my photo included. However, I would not want the Yarn Harlot (who is a petite, well-shaped, lovely person) to be confused with the Amazonian zaftig that I am. I am on Dolores's right, not the right of the photo! Dolores, my car will never be the same again. I can never use the same detailer again.

thecrazysheeplady said...

Too funny! If this election wasn't so important it would hilarious to actually add her as a write in candidate and see how many votes it would take to have some men in mirrored sunglasses and shiny black cars cruising around.

Kristen said...

Well, damn, that's why I couldn't get Dolores to swing by the University of Pittsburgh, she was already, um, swingin' with Steely McBeam!

Anonymous said...

Oops, gotta get *my* Dolores out and about. I know just the place...

Anonymous said...

"...head and shoulders above the crowd."


It's funny 'cus it's true!

Anonymous said...

Unless I'm missing something, but why the dump for Governor Palin? Joe Biden's against gay marriage too.

Anonymous said...

"Dolores ably stepped in to substitute teach Italian at this Ohio high school because she is a very cunning linguist."

Heh. (snort).

Just luv ya Franklin. Thanks for the laugh.

I gotta get Delores on the campaign trail out here. Thanks for reminding me.

sabrina said...

And an appropriate Italian passage was used to herald her special appearance, too!

Knitting Linguist said...

As a linguist, I had to delurk to thank you for the laugh!

Anonymous said...

Well, shoot! (or in the current lexicon, gosh darn it all) Here I'll be in Chgo while you're signing at Arcadia but !!! I really do not see how I can get from McCormick Place (conference shuttle downtown, L to bus) to Arcadia and back in 1.5 hours. Oh, and hear you read and get a book signed.

Guess I will go lean on the LYS for a signing here. Remember the Franklin Bakery, Franklin? Will it move us up the list if their goodies are part of the travel package?

Gerrie in St Paul

Anonymous said...

The photos, and the witty captions, are so funny!

Kelli said...

AACKKKK! No Rhinebeck Sunday? You have got to be kidding me. I am very disappointed.

I must go nurse myself back to health with a bottle of scotch. ~ksp

Anonymous said...

Panopticon fans, don't forget this is the last day to vote for the Bloggers Choice awards. The Panopticon has been nominated in four categories: Best Blog of All Time, Best Blog Design, Best Hobby Blog, and Best Humor Blog.

Kim said...

Dolores had a great time at my high school when she was a substitute! I don't think that her students really understood the import of the phrase that she wrote on the board, though.

I decided to leave it there. They *still* don't know what it says...and that's just as well, considering the general temperment of the room! :-)

Puss-in-Boots said...

That Dolores sure gets around. She must be a master debator by now...

Anonymous said...

I love that Dolores got up to Canada before our election, but I find it rather strange that she posed on the Conservative candidate's sign ??? Have we all misjudged her?

Anonymous said...

Is Dolores Stephen Colbert's better half (better 17/18's is more like it)?
Mike Smith

FiberQat said...

I'd say something about the incident in the Bright Red Bug, but I've been sworn to silence. I'll just say it wasn't her that needed rescuing.

Katie K said...

Wow, you're going to London! You lucky author, you! Myself, I hope to see you Saturday at Rhinebeck.

Anonymous said...

I'm So upset that preordered your book, so I don't have it for Rhinebeck!!

Jennifer said...

Awww - I'm originally from Sioux City, Iowa and was thrilled to see Dolores found time in her busy schedule to visit.

Re: Rhinebeck, alas I'll have to ask you to give my regards to Rhinebeck. Remember me to the rabbit gal. Give my regards to old Rhinebeck and tell them someday I'll be there! Have fun.

Unknown said...

I love the photos! I guess mine didn't send correctly. LOL oh well at least I put it on my blog right. I think she would make a GREAt president.

Jenn said...

I'm wondering too if you'll be there on Sunday. We can't get there on Saturday, but would love to say hi and possibly get a book if they are available!

Molly Bee said...

OMGosh! Delores gets around. That has got to be one of the coolest projects ever! Love your captions. Go UM Orono!

Anonymous said...

DAMN! i completely missed the delightful dolores on her indy visit! i was out casting my early vote for barack obama at the time, not knowing that ms. van hoofen was campaigning here.

as for why a dump for palin? uh, how about misuse of power, insensitivity to/opposition to women's issues such as equal pay and control of our fertility, support for the war and general lack of qualifications? if i were in her neighorhood, i'd wanna take a nixon on her doorstep too. (thank you, kinky friedman, for "take a nixon," btw)

for those of you who haven't cast your ballots yet, vote dolores, not mcsame, if you want wooly thinking!

Seanna Lea said...

Hrm. I wonder if Dolores would visit the Boston area. I know just the place for a photo op!

knittingwoman said...

By the way, there are actually a lot of americans living in Canada who can vote in the US election too. So maybe Dolores knew what she was doing by campaigning on this side of the border.

Jules said...

I just noticed, upon the second reading, that in the first picture Dolores is wearing a maple leaf thong. I love it!

Anonymous said...

AS one of the 3 people on a busy Ajax street corner, to whom Delores shared her vision of world domination, I mean a fibre rich society, I have to clarify why she was perched on a Conservative sign.

It was not a political statement but rather a statment of another type of preference. Delores after extensive discussion, felt that the pretty blue sign was the best since it had the word "johnson" on it...............

Anonymous said...

Dolores really DOES get around! And there are photos to prove it. A great way for her to increase her poll numbers would be to do an interview on a knitting podcast. In my mind, I hear her voice sounding something like a cross between Anne Bancroft and Harvey Fierstein (heavy on the Fierstein).

Anonymous said...

In regards to the book signing at Rhinebeck...

Will you be signing extra copies of the book that will be for sale at the booth after you finish signing. I won't be getting to the fair until 3-3:30 but I really want a signed copy! (You wouldn't put a signed copy aside for me, would ya?)


Anonymous said...

I love your blog, Farnklin. Dolores is fabulous and you can tell her I said so! I've downloaded her and plan to include Louisville, KY and Cloverport, KY in her campaign stops. How do I get you the picts?

Keep up the great work, it keeps me nodding agreement and LMAO.

Anonymous said...

Franklin, I just wanted to tell you that I only found your blog this week (thank you, Knitting Daily!) I immediately showed the picture of your book to my hubby and said "Christmas... you must purchase... no buts allowed". Then today I walked into my LYS and what was right out there on center stage?! You guessed it! Happy sales to you.

Anonymous said...

Will Dolores have a website like this one?
Hit refresh a few times before youleave.

Anonymous said...

Dear Mr. Hobbit:

Yeah, I know it's Habit but having met you I kinda think of you as an American Hobbit - donno why.

Anyway no photo of Dolores because...having parked at the side of the road at the nearest ovine farm I walked towards the fence holding Dolores facing me until I got close enough to take a photo. The nosy sheep had gathered along the fence to see what I was doing and when I turned Dolores to face them there was a lot of high pitched baaing and a general stampede to the far side of the pasture.

Even the guard donkey galloped off - some guard he was.

Dolores and I slunked back to the car where she immediately lit up a cigarello, flipped the critters the bard and instructed me to head to the nearest brew pub.

So I did. - Photoless.

Teyani said...

omgosh - I don't know how you will ever choose the best one! - Dolores has been prolific in her appearances and such stunning shots of the candidate!!
(hmmm... so I sense another calendar in the making??)
thanks for the fabulous belly laugh.

Anonymous said...

I see Dolores as a kind of Flat Stanley. Know the book?

Yarnhog said...

So cool! You should be proud.

String Bean said...

I love her visit to Scotland. No visits to a pub? That's unlike her.

Anonymous said...

I must upload my picture (once I get through the initial trauma) soon. In the meantime, I've received my calendar and it's wonderful!! I'm just curious whether or not any of the models knit? Also where the pictures taken, the backgrounds are lovely!

Barbara from Nova Scotia said...

I sure hope Dolores removed that cigarette before kissing babies.

Anonymous said...

Dear Franklin - Just back from a train trip to NYC. I was going to e-mail you about meeting me at Union Station but find you were gone that weekend anyhow. I like to think myself your #1 fan in Wyoming but, seeing the picture from Dancing Sheep in downtown Casper (My Hometown) I now have to rethink it... NAW, I am still your #1 fan. (I'm just jealous I couldn't be in the photo too.) The Alaska Governor's Mansion bit made me nearly fall out of my chair with laughter. I wonder if it will set a trend? Anyhow, can't wait to buy my copy of the little book. Take care. Best regards - Joe, in Wyoming

Lisa said...

I'm laughing, but wondering at the same time if I should send the nice men in the white coats with the huggy jacket your way. *snerk*

Totally hysterical. I hope Dolores is practicing, well, you know...hmmm...would she prefer latex or...oh, never mind. Just ribbing you. *snerk*

My goodness, my mind has gone into the gutter for some reason.

Elizabeth said...

Imagine my surprise, as I was listening to PBS this morning (pledge week!), and the announcer said that Dolores was standing by, waiting for the next phone to ring. While it doesn't surprise me to learn she might take time from her busy campaign schedule to help out in a public service kind of way, the fact that she was awake at 7:30 in the morning did.

Cynthia said...

Franklin, I just finished reading the 'little book' and only attracted the attention of a dozen or so people at the restaurant with my constant giggling.

Personal favorite essay: The Underpants Knitters of Great Fussing-on-the-Wold.

Here's hoping that you're already at work on 'little book' #2!

Anonymous said...


We are here at SAFF and a good friend dropped of Dolores at our "Sheep Incognito" booth. She can be seen on our webcam 2 on our site:

I hope you have a great weekend...

Peter & Conni

LisaRae7 said...

Franklin! "IT ITCHES" alert!!

I pre-ordered via Interweave Knits, and my copies (Xmas givts) arrived TODAY...Hallowe' London, ON, CANADA...