By the time I reached the office I was a budding maniac. Apparently, today is Get Franklin Day in the Chicagoland area. Or at least, Keep Franklin From Reaching the Office Without Smacking Somebody Day.
Since at some point a court-ordered therapist is going to ask me to do this anyhow, here's a little chart showing all the lovely people I encountered, and what I imagined doing to each of them.
| Idiot | Fantasy Punishment |
| Slow-moving woman in platform sandals who made me miss my train...again | Clocked with left shoe |
| Man smoking stogie under "NO SMOKING" sign on platform | Forced to eat large bowl of Virginia Slims |
| Woman in otherwise quiet train car having loud, angry 20-minute conversation about ear-piercing with daughter via cell phone | Shaved bald |
| Perky, preppy summer school girls who decided to stop and chat during morning rush hour, blocking only stairs down from train station | Teeth ripped out, made into stylish necklaces |
| University department which rendered adjacent sidewalk impassable with lawn sprinklers | Bulldozed, replaced with Pizza Hut |
| Pushy man handing out flyers for local bagel emporium, screaming loudly and blocking narrow sidewalk | Fed to sharks |
| Expensively dressed North Shore mother with double-wide SUV stroller containing whining twins who spit fruit punch onto my boots (mother's reaction: laughter) | Made to watch one "Rugrats" epsiode in endless loop while being shot with super-soaker full of Juicy Juice |
What I actually did, of course, was nothing.
At least the baby scarf looks nice.
18 comments:
Well, at least they didn't spit the fruit juice on the fluffy white! THAT would be a problem...
Deep breaths! Deep breaths!
Sorry your commute was so bad, at least you can talk about it and that does help. I think you handled it great. Don't let it upset your day. Glad you had a wonderful weekend. I can't wait to see a picture of the baby scarf.
Well, your morning might have sucked, but your post rocked.
;-)
Unfortunately motherhood is like an endless loop of Rugrats while getting shot with a supersoaker of juicy juice.... so that wouldn't be too much of a punishment for her......
Sorry your day started out so bad..hopefully it will get better!!
they can't get you when Stitches is a mere 10 days away!! They can have you after the 15th! LOL
Especially enjoyed this post. Are psychofan-tic "me too" comments banned here, too?
Carol S
Your Mom reads your blog???
Hi, Franklin's mom, if you ever communicate with my mother, which is not as unlikely as it might seem (did she send you xmas cards for ten years after meeting you once for ten seconds at graduation? she did that to some friends' parents) could you um, not tell her about my blog? That'd be super, thanks!
(Yes, clearly Franklin has a healthy grown-up relationship with his parents, while clearly I'm stuck somewhere around age 15 with mine.
I also realize that the world doesn't revolve around me, and that the chain of events I fear is particularly unlikely.
Nonetheless, "es mejor prevenir que lamentar," as my Spanish phrase-a-day calendar says--"better to prevent than lament").
Oh, and Franklin's mom, I hope you're enjoying Kokomo!
Normally I lurk, but I had to tell you I loved this post. It made me laugh out loud. The same stuff happens to me almost every day in NYC.
Imagining their punishments is a lot healthier than acting it out. I've pushed some yuppies down the stairs in the subway and had screaming matches with over-entitled mothers and it doesn't really assuage the anger.
*cackle*
Oh if only life were as simple as the Rugrats and the Juicy Juice spraying ...
I think your response should be what mine would have been in this instance. Kill everyone, then have a beer.
Boots sweetie-darling, in this heat?
Wow! Your post was great. I hope the rest of your day wasn't as bad as the commute. I definitely hope today (Tuesday) is better.
Yeah.. you are going to have to pick something more annoying that rugrats sorry dear!! But hey the punishment for those Aplha Moms is to have her trade places with some poor mom in the middle of no where with no car and 7 kids and NO TV!!!
HEHEHEEH EVIL eh?
The latest, most insanely annoying childrens' program on the face of the earth is "Boo-bah." Think Teletubbies without even the benefit of guttural two-year-old nonsensical talk. They spin around and make weird noises and in general make you wonder how it is that childrens' television programmers get away with taking so much LSD on the job.
I am a parent. My kid has been known to do idiotic things. But jaysus, I don't understand how other parents don't give a flying f*ck when their kids do something idiotic to strangers. Where is the decency? Where is the sense of responsibility? More importantly, where is the flamethrower?
I'm with Rabbitch. Praise the ammunition and pass the Guinness.
Oh, and sugar? fondle the scarf and have a better end of day, okay? :-)
I am disturbed by the "let the punishment fit the crime" attitude running through your fantasies. You need more blood, much more blood.
(I am reminded of a post I made about revenge fantasies. In case that link doesn't work, it's on my blog on November 20, 2004.)
The woman in the platform sandals, for example, should be not clocked with her left shoe (or did you mean yours?) but tied to the train track with shoelaces until an oncoming train runs over her.
Thank you for helping out, good info. "It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live." by J. K. Rowling.
Thank you for helping out, good info. "It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live." by J. K. Rowling.
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