Friday, March 13, 2009

Socktomom

I came home from the gym yesterday and found the entire sock yarn colony running riot in the living room. At the center of the maelstrom was Dolores, holding Harry and a baby bonnet. She was apparently attempting to shove the former into the latter.

“No!” Harry screamed. “I’m not doing it! I’m not I’m not I’m not and you can’t make me!”

“But you’re gonna look so cute,” said Dolores. “Plus, if you don’t I’ll tell Franklin you’ve been sneaking into his supply of–”

Mama?

“Hi, kids,” I said.

“You’re home,” said Dolores. “Good, I need a husband. Take off your sweatpants and put on those overalls and that flannel shirt. The guy who was supposed to be in the video with me just flaked out.”

“There are so many things wrong with what you’re saying.”

“And when the producers ask, it was my demure and yielding nature that first attracted you to me.”

“The more you say,” I said. “the less I understand what the hell is going on.”

With a piercing squeak Harry wriggled free of Dolores and sped across the room, seeking refuge under the coffee table.

“She wants us to be on television,” he panted. “She wants to make a video and send it to show business and say we’re a great big family and we all have to be her kids and cameras will follow us into the bathroom! Tell her she’s not allowed!”

“Television?”

“And I have to pretend to be the cute baby! I don’t wanna be the baby!”

“Stop whining,” said Stan, who was twirling around the rug in a pigtailed red wig and an extremely small organza print dress. “I think it’s a neat idea.”

“You’re only saying that because you get to be the sexy eldest daughter on the verge of womanhood!”

“I can’t help it,” said Stan, “that I happen to have photogenic cheekbones and winsome charm. And that you’re chubby and lisp when you get nervous.”

“Shut up, Stan!” said Harry.

“I prefer to be called Liesl,” said Stan.

Harry grabbed for Stan’s wig, and I was forced to send them to opposite corners. Dolores, meanwhile, retreated to the bedroom and returned wearing a gingham smock and carrying a nosegay of petunias.

“Why aren’t you dressed?” she snapped. “Where's your flannel shirt? They’ll be here any minute to shoot our promotional tape. We have to look like a hard-working, all-American family. Butch it up.”

She turned to the sock yarn.

“Now, I need all our little blessings on the sofa. And remember: you’re so happy, but you’d be even happier with a new luxury SUV and a bigger house.”

Harry broke ranks and headed for the front door.

“Have fun, guys. I’m going to the movies.”

“Get back here, blessing,” cooed Dolores, “Or Mama will feed you to the fricking alley cats.”

“Hold the phone,” I said. “You promised me we were finished with this sort of thing. Remember your first day on The Bachelor? You’re lucky they agreed to just scrap the footage and settle out of court.”

“I believe my actions have proven to be justified,” she said. “That guy deserved a hoof up his tuchus.”

“You weren't even supposed to be on the set.”

"Petty details bore me."

"Forget it, Dolores."

“You’re crazy,” she said. “Don’t you ever watch television? Hyperfertility is where it’s at. This is the moment! We don’t even need to get a show deal. All we need is four minutes on The Today Show with Matt Lauer, talking about how having forty colorful children has enriched us in spite of our poverty, and we’re golden. People would be throwing free stuff at us. We could get outta this dump in a week and move into one of those Extreme Home Makeover palaces with a designer kitchen and a petting zoo.”

“No.”

She sniffled into her nosegay. “Don’t do it for me, darling. Think of…our children.”

“Please, Papa,” said Stan. “Please, may I have a petting zoo?”

“Go to your room, Liesl,” I said.

“Never mind him,” said Dolores to Stan. “He has no vision. We’ll just have to do this on our own. Straighten your wig and chuck me some flannel. I heard The Amazing Race is trying to book a lesbian couple.”

66 comments:

Cathy R said...

Oh. My. Goodness.

Can't stop laughing!

Jennifer said...

Franklin, You're my favorite Habit! Happy Friday.

Knitwittygirl said...

I thought I was having a bad day because I fell down the stairs, but this I see, is much much worse :-). Thanks for making me laugh.

anne marie in philly said...

OMFG! your imagination is too rich and fertile, you sick little monkey you!

smooches!

Windy Knits said...

Sooo glad you're back. Missed you! Since I gave up computer games for Lent I need something to fill the void.

livnletlrn said...

"Butch it up."

You slay me!

cockeyed said...

...omg...so funny, especially the "costumes"!

Jessica said...

Brilliant. Simply brilliant.

chellebelle said...

I don't have a Delores around here, but I have the horde of sock yarn children. (My human children scare them into submission when they plunge their hands into the bin and burrow their faces into the yarn... scares them silly... )
Can I borrow Delores for a few days? Maybe she can get the bedtime routine into ship shape!

diane said...

I have SOOOO missed you!!

Diane (trembling) in North Carolina

carpoolknitter said...

Dolores might be my favorite sheep. The two of you are brilliant. Love.

Rox said...

Franklin, you make me happy.

Kristen said...

Oh Franklin, I do love you so. Thanks so much for this Friday delight!

Sharon Rose said...

I'd like to see what happens when you introduce Delores to Pimp My Ride.

kmkat said...

Oh, it's always so nice and hilarious when Dolores and Harry show up! But I must have missed something -- who is Stan?

Alwen said...

I guess I'm not the only one tuned into the pickled pearl onions of the VRS (Vegetable Relay Satellite).

Anonymous said...

Oh Franklin, how do you do what you do? Great stuff. Always a treat.
from MT,
Suzanne

junior_goddess said...

Has anyone informed Dolores that this whole plan will work better if she gets some plastic surgery to look like a Hollywood Adoptomom? Or some other celeb? Since Brangelina has been done, I suggest Jennifer Aniston.

There's a huge Oscar tie-in down at the Enquirer.

Artnitter said...

Oh, oh, I've missed something! Who is Stan?

Welcome back, Franklin!

Barbi said...

Brilliant !!!

Whatever you're on - can I have some please?
x

dawn from Texas said...

Butch it up indeed. I don't believe for one minute you were runnning around in public in sweat pants. I am an old married lady with four kids (that's it. I'm not crazy!) and I am completely crushing on you. Love!

Kristin said...

Please, for the love of all that is wooly, don't let Delores into California. We have enough maniacs who really think [enter crazy flash-in-the-pan idea here] is brilliant, would totally work and will make them rich. We don't need another one.

And anyway, she'd probably drink all our Hangar One. And we can't have that.

And loved the two-colour socks. Yummy!

Anonymous said...

wicked . . . :o)

Yvonne said...

Oh my. I'd say something about a clown car uterus, but we are talking about Dolores, aren't we?

(Funny...word verification is evilyr)

Patti said...

This is too much. Socktomom... I needed a good laugh,thank you so much mr. habit! and, honestly Delores really should have her own show.

Marianne said...

Oh, good-- at first I thought this was another plug for that baby hood thing you did for Knitty. Hilarious as usual! Thanks!

Judi said...

I just keep picturing all those sock yarns running amok in the living room - guess that's my brain on Franklin.

M-H said...

Hang on - you only have 40 balls of sock yarn? You're not doing your bit for the economy, mister!

melissaknits said...

Franklin. I love you. And we haven't even met yet.

c'est Moi! the tink-n-frog said...

I guess you just have to be glad she was going for the wholesome American family look and not the dysfunctional Jerry Springer family look. Could you imagine what she would want you to wear then? Yup I suppose you could...=)

FugueStateKnits said...

Ohmygod! It's Dolores Day and Rock Hufson!

B and the boys said...

I sure did need that laugh! Thanks Franklin! I know I should not be laughing at your pain of having to live with Delores. Good Luck!

Anonymous, too said...

Dear Zeus in Heaven!

Although I can give Delores a little credit -- she didn't dress up in chiffon and marabou, adopt a Hungarian accent, and insist you don a pinstriped suit before your television debut.

But then, she couldn't sing "I get allergic smellink hay" with a straight face, could she?

Kristen said...

I've just been perusing the spring Knitty. That baby is seriously chanelling Dolores! What facial expressions!

dale-harriet said...

That Dolores - creative thinking is her middle name! Poor Harry (although DAYUM he looks cute in that bonnet!) I feel lucky on two counts: Dolores never got ME in trouble during the campaign, and the worst yarn incident around here was a stand-off between the neon pink acrylic and the black cat. (It wasn't pretty, let me tell you......the cat won and I was glad; I should be ashamed but I'm not, I never could stomach that pepto-dismal pink). "Stomach", get it? LAWSY but I'm glad you're back too!

Linda said...

Are you sure you never met my sisters? I think I might be related to Delores.

lykkefanten said...

heh heh heh... Am having a good giggle moment right now. But hey, do you really only have 40 balls of sock yarn? That's way too few! ;)

alala said...

Hee hee.

Cat said...

You are too funny. I am so sorry I missed you in NC.

I so love the socks with the blue what a wonderful color combination. Will you grace us (I would be willing to pay for) with a pattern.

Hugs!!!

catsmum said...

that post should carry a beverage warning - I nearly ruined another keyboard with snorted coffee!!

Judy in Indiana said...

I do love Delores!

(formerly) no-blog-rachel said...

I totally *heart* you. So does Norma - we discussed that very thing on Saturday.

=Tamar said...

But he is cute. So cute! and Liesl is even cuter.

Seanna Lea said...

Ah, the further adventures. It's always fun to read these!

Eileen said...

Ahhhhh.

Thank you for my Delores fix. Maybe Harry could ply with someone and look a little more toned. (Not on the first date.)

You could mention it to him.

p.s. I tried to give my copy of "It Itches" away this weekend, but I couldn't bear to part with it...she'll just have to buy her own copy!

Martha0051 said...

Ooooh, Franklin! You are a bad, bad Habit!

Roggey said...

Thank you. Today was such a rough day. Reading this gave me a much needed laugh - okay, a *lot* of laughs! Poor Harry...

Dana said...

I really needed the laugh today. Thanks!

Leigh Witchel said...

"I am sixteen balls going on seventeen balls . . ."

Stickfantomen said...

Hi there, found your blog through knitty and been trying out how to knit a blueish kind of an orange.

Just thought it best to tell why you suddenly got a blogger-fanzine, foreign language blog, hanging around.

Sandy said...

I'm a new reader, so I'm coming late to the party. Delores I get, but who are Harry and Stan?

Anonymous said...

I'm a new reader, so I'm coming late to the party. I get Delores, but who are Harry and Stan?

Anne O'Nymous said...

Tune in tomorrow to _Lacier and Racier_ when we find out what "supply" of Franklin's Harry has been sneaking into, which "husband" faux-frau Dolores had signed up earlier and why he ditched, precisely how sock yarn feels about being colonized, what happens to sentient yarn that gets knitted, whether yarn is sufficiently gendered to become transgendered, whether alley cats will eat sock yarn, and what Dolores was trying to say with a nosegay.

With the ver. word "lacier," I just couldn't go away, now could I?

Shell said...

As always you have me laughing like crazy.
You make my day!

Barbara from Nova Scotia said...

I love your brand of genius! Keep up the great work.

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