Saturday, February 14, 2009

Love Snack

Hi, it's Dolores. And shit, am I ever excited.

Today, the fourteenth of February, is my Day of Days.

Goddess of Love

As heiress to the Love Goddess tradition embodied through the ages but such hotcha gals as Venus, Cleopatra, Delilah, Helen of Troy, Mata Hari, and Mamie Eisenhower,* it is my duty on this sacred occasion to spread the message that love is grand, love is universal, and love makes the world go 'round.

As I once said to Paul McCartney in a tender aprés-schtupp moment, "All you need is love, cupcake." Guess what happened next.**

And let me tell you, to celebrate love you don't need anybody else in the room. A lover can be nice, don't get me wrong–even if it's just the temporary kind you pick up at the market along with a bag of Cheese Doodles and a bottle of Pellegrino.

But if you're alone, see, you can still have a snack and a drink and you don't risk a fight in the afternoon because somebody forgot to wash his hands after eating the Cheese Doodles and now you've got sticky, neon orange fingerprints all over your underpants, the new satin sheets, the headboard, the kitchen table, and the privacy fence next to the Jacuzzi.

If you're having a solo Valentine's Day, why not get yourself a little something nice to nibble on and have a romantic film festival for one? Or for you and your best like-minded pals? Since this blog caters to yarn-centric types, Harry and I put together a list of romantic knitting classics:
  1. The Way We Worsted
  2. Cashmere to Eternity
  3. Feltin' in the Rain
  4. A Colorway Named Desire
  5. Sheepless in Seattle
  6. Yarnstruck
  7. The Postman Always Purls Twice
  8. The Last Tangle in Paris
  9. The Koigu and I
  10. It Happened One Knit
  11. The Yarn Stores of Madison County
  12. It's a Wonderful Laceweight
  13. The Unbearable Lightness of Kidsilk Haze
  14. When Harry Met Sally Melville
  15. Gone with the Ball Winder
And if you're feeling bitter about the romance thing, there ain't no law against throwing a handful of Cheese Doodles at the screen when the kissing starts.

Now, if you're really out of the love loop and would prefer to see people struck by chainsaws rather than Cupid's dart, ponder our list of stasher movies. You might achieve catharsis.

But remember, kids, you're never truly unloved. I love you, as how could I not considering the earth-shaking extent to which you love me? Mama's got more than enough Valentine going on here for anybody who can handle it.

Just remember to wash the Cheese Doodles off your fingers if we shift into second gear.

* Seriously. I knew Mamie. Trust Me.
**Note to Paulie: Where's my effing royalty check, you cheap bastard?

51 comments:

marcia in austin said...

I was in need of a valentine. Thank you.

garnetewe said...

Dolores (and Franklin) you're fantastic! "Sheepless in Seattle" provided me with amusing (and disturbing) images but Harry meeting Sally Melville? Well, that could result in something sublime! Happy Valentines Day to you all!

Helen said...

I <3 you :-)

my Valentine is 500 miles away right now.

Katie K said...

Very funny movie titles. And I laughed at the archived ones, too, especially "I Know What You Crocheted Last Summer" (as someone who hates crochet).

Happy Valentine's Day to a wonderful community.

Jenn said...

I read this out loud to my accountant as he was doing my taxes. He chuckled. That says a lot.

Bobbi said...

I'm off to the store to get my Cheese Doodles! LOVE YOU BIG TIME, SWEETIE!!!

(formerly) no-blog-rachel said...

'Apres schtupp' - I love it.

la takahashi said...

Oh Franklin! Happy Valentien's Day to you! That was perfect.

Mary said...

Made me laugh. Thank you Franklin.

knitandputt said...

pretty funny stuff, thanks for the laugh

anne marie in philly said...

"the yarn store man" (76 balls of yarn dropped into my cart, with a hundred and ten skeins of noro close behind)

happy valentine's day, dolores! don't do anything I wouldn't do!

smooches to franklin and harry too!

Gail said...

For me it was "The Unbearable Lightness of Kidsilk Haze" that had the red wine snorting through my nostrils. Happy V Day

Mary said...

I was chuckling so much at the song list my husband had to ask me what was going on. Thanks, I needed a laugh or two or three. Happy V-Day, Dolores!

Gwen said...

Dolores, you doll! Thanks for the most appropriate Valentine's day wishes, and I certainly hope you had a dandy good day yourself! Your movies list shall be saved for posterity. Love you!

chellebelle said...

okay.. that laugh out loud moment hurt.. we're healing from the the flu here.. you are an evil genius, still, I continue to love you.

Anonymous, too said...

Dolores,

I think you forgot that great romantic comedy "Sheepshearer in Love", the weepie "A Sweater to Three Wives", and the action flicks "Ply Another Day" and "You Only Knit Twice".

Happy VD!

Meredith said...

I first read the title as "Love Shack" rather than snack, but given that Dolores is writing, that is perhaps not inappropriate.

At any rate, thanks for that! As someone newly valentine-less, I really appreciate the list, and the suggestion for throwing things at the screen. :-)

Jeanne said...

"You've Got Malabrigo"

Happy VD!

Rudee said...

A perfect movie list. Thank you.

Anonymous said...

Delightful! Happy Valentine's Day Sweetie!

Alwen said...

I can't shay "Sheeplessh in Sheattle", shweetheart!

Kristen said...

"aprés-schtupp moment" I am so totally borrowing this with all credits attributed after each use.

Damn do I love you! Thanks for some VD cheer!

Willie said...

I love you too, Sweetie. A big smooch for you, and pass one on to Franklin for me. If you catch him.

junior_goddess said...

CheeseDoodle fingerprints on underpants.

You are killin' me.

Anonymous said...

thank you, thank you, i laughed outloud (which drives my teenager crazy, especially when she is talking to friend who can hear me laugh over phone). i really needed to laugh, have had few reasons the last several months...dolores is so adorable.

GinkgoKnits said...

Franklin, I hope someone gave you a bottle of disinfectant for your kitchen table for v-day.

Anonymous said...

Love you Delores.
I have one of your mugs for those moments when I am paralysed by indecision and then I can look at it and think 'What would Delores do?'

For your film entertainment I offer the trilogy:
The Bohus Identity, Supremacy and Ultimatum.

Knitting Kris said...

You really made me chuckle! Great list of movies, and I like the others offered in the comments section.
Great blog!

Roxie said...

"For whom the Knit Purls?" How about some butt-kickin' TV? "Intarsia, Warrior Knitter (her purling could save the world!)" I especially loved the episode where Intarsia grabbed some steel wool and knit a muffler for a tank.

Dolores, Darling, you are an icon and an inspiration to us all! Franklin, thank you so for keeping us abreast (as it were) of the divine Ms D's latest escapades!

Plum Texan said...

For those of us who (despite being happily in love) are Valentine's cynics: best. Valentine. EVER.

Cold Berroco Comfort Farm

and

Deep Blue Sea Silk

FiberQat said...

Ah Dolores, I dreamed of our night after a visit to Mary's Topless where we sipped on cosmos and compared -- oh ahem. Sorry. I forgot I wasn't supposed to say anything.

I in particular like "Rollerball" where James Caan is fighting off fearless knitters at a Webs midnight 50% off sale.

soxanne said...

Thanks - we love you too!

Really? Mamie Eisenhower?

Christine Olea said...

As always exactly what a girl needs. Especially when heading to sea in 30 knots of breeze and pissing rain.

Log Cabin Girl said...

ok...the jig is up. Dolores' advice made me snort (in my cubicle!). What a bawdy babe!

ali said...

Sometimes I long for Delores's skills in the romance department.
Then I laughed my socks off at "When Harry Met Sally Melville".

Thanks for the sweet talk.

Marianne said...

Veux-tu crochet avec moi?

Shelda said...

Oh, Franklin! That was just about the best ever "valentine to the world." What a delight you are! And I absolutely love "the unbearable lightness of kid silk haze!) Too good.

If I weren't at work I would be howling with laughter; as it is I have to keep it a bit quieter.

k1tbl said...

I laughed out loud and my assistant just ran in to find out if I was okay! Happy Belated Valentine's Day. I was reminded of the song "Making Love Alone" that was sung by Bernadette Peters on SNL years ago. Very funny.

Dianna Rubidge said...

Here I sit in far off Saskatchewan, laughing in the frozen wasteland- thanks to Dolores.

I sometimes suspect she might be less than restful as a roommate.

Hester from Atlanta said...

It seems to me that you are beginning to write a book about Dolores celebrating holidays. Hooray! Yippee!! KEEP 'EM COMING.

MissMoosey said...

Dolores is the true queen of hearts. Thank you for making my Valentine's day special!

Bo... said...

Don't forget "Steekocolypse Now"...heh!

Daryl said...

You ALWAYS make me laugh,a true Valentine. Would my husband and adolescent daughters understand that my major crushes are a short balding gay guy in Chicago and a sheep or would they attribute it to yet another manifestation of "mommy's brain tumor" as they do so many of my other opinons.

Anonymous said...

Franklin/Delores, you are the bomb! or is that dating myself? who cares! you've got to be told how much I LOL while reading your Valentine gift to your fans~Thank YOU!!! truly yours :) Linda B

gail said...

Oh, I'm off to the library and book store to find those fabulous books!!

marcia-x said...

thanks for the link to the past for those of us newly enlightened.

Anonymous said...

film izle - Toshiba Laptop Review - bio - Sohbet - Chat - Sohbet Odaları - Excellent site. Theme of a site is very nice. Thanks you very much love real admin and boss.. An excellent site is very great Thanks you very much love real admin and boss.. ehliyet - film seyret -

Anonymous said...

film izle - film izleReally liked your site very great paylaşımlarınızda occasionally I write a nice comment favorite topics:) Excellent site. Theme of a site is very nice. There are a number of us to our site. But you more beautiful and wonderful sites. Thanks you very much real admin and boss.. An excellent site is very great. Thanks you very much love real admin and boss.. Excellent site. Theme of a site is very nice. Thanks you very much real admin and boss.. A great site too. dah shares so great. Thank you very much. Done a wonderful site. Liked it very much. paylaşımlarınızda very great indeed. Simply amazing. good day .. dizi ve film - Thank you so much wonderful sharing... advertise

Anonymous said...

dizi izle - Really liked your site very great paylaşımlarınızda occasionally I write a nice comment favorite topics:) Excellent site. Theme of a site is very nice. There are a number of us to our site. But you more beautiful and wonderful sites. Thanks you very much real admin and boss.. An excellent site is very great. Thanks you very much love real admin and boss.. Excellent site. Theme of a site is very nice. Thanks you very much real admin and boss.. A great site too. dah shares so great. Thank you very much. Done a wonderful site. Liked it very much. paylaşımlarınızda very great indeed. Simply amazing. good day .. Thank you so much wonderful sharing... cam balkon

Anonymous said...

Such sites, and comments are very nice to throw a two-site within the ideals film indir I 've got really liked them too, you hopefully enjoy. memurlar Thank you in advance for visiting: D
I hope there will be more successful your site is very wonderful site. porna Thanks to the efforts of.like shares, are very beautiful.

Anonymous said...

became difficult to find such a beautiful site, rent a car script and at one until the nice old issues of the old issues I do not like too many great new, but this article is written very beautifully written that I wanted to sekspartner throw comments :)