Tuesday, December 09, 2008

We Found Her

Ever since Dolores took to the road to console herself over the loss of the election, we've been wondering where she is. Well, Harry has been wondering. I've just been enjoying the smoke-free environment, no to mention going into the bathroom in the morning without fear of finding a bleary-eyed dancer from the Lucky Horseshoe lolling in the tub with my rubber duckie.

There was a postcard about a week ago from Texas, indicating she'd found work in "a ground-breaking stage production of a classic work," but that was it. I figured if there was any state in the union able to deal with Dolores, it would be Texas. Hell, in Texas she might not even stick out in a crowd.

Those little wrinkles in my forehead were just starting to smooth out when Harry called me over to read a news item he found during his habitual morning perusal of CNN.com.

DISGRUNTLED SHEEP DESTROYS CHRISTMAS PAGEANT

Get Outta TownWaxahachie, TX. Visitors to last night’s performance of the annual Living Nativity Pageant sponsored by the Waxahachie Full Bible Baptist Church were horrified to see a beloved local tradition come to an unexpected and violent end.

Witnesses say that as the Herald Angel (played by Wanda Meeks, daughter of the Reverend Lou Meeks) was lowered into the scene to begin her speech to the shepherds, a sheep broke loose from her tether and threw what appeared to be a half-empty bottle of Four Roses Bourbon into the air, narrowly missing Meeks’ head and knocking one of her wings to the ground.

Meeks began screaming to be let down, but remained suspended helplessly above the scenery while stagehands attempted to corral and subdue the angry sheep, whom police have identified as Dolores Van Hoofen of Chicago, Illinois.

“I’ve never seen anything like it,” said Betsy Cartright of Midlothian, who was cast in the role of Shepherdess #2. “She just came out of nowhere cussing a blue streak. I knew she was trouble from day one. We had to keep telling her to put out her cigarettes around all the hay.”

According to pageant director Louise-Lynn Butler, the sheep had been a constant source of disruption during rehearsals, making overtures of a sexual nature to two of the three wise men and offering suggestions for enlarging her own role. At one point, Butler and Van Hoofen came to blows after Van Hoofen insisted on taking over Wanda Meeks' role as the Herald Angel, and replacing the traditional “Fear not, I bring you tidings of great joy” speech with a harmonica arrangement of the Frank Sinatra hit “Come Fly With Me.”

“I should’ve fired her, I guess,” says Butler. “But it was a big deal for Waxahachie to have a real sheep in the pageant this year instead of dressing up Lulu McWhirter’s lhasa apso the way we usually do.”

Before police and fire fighters could secure the scene, Van Hoofen bit or kicked at least three-quarters of her fellow cast members, and her cigarette sparked a blaze that within minutes had consumed most of the stable and severely damaged two papier-mache palm trees. A donkey and three chickens on loan to the production broke loose and were later apprehended in the parking lot of Pizza Hut.

Van Hoofen, who is presently in custody at the Waxahachie Jail, had no comment on the incident but says she still expects to receive the $35 she was promised in exchange for her performance in the Living Nativity. To which Louise-Lynn Butler responded, “Dream on, crazy Yankee bitch.”

As Texas state law has no precedent for filing criminal charges against livestock, the Waxahachie sheriff’s office has confirmed that tomorrow morning Van Hoofen will be escorted to the edge of town and put on a Greyhound bus heading north. A large crowd is expected to make sure she doesn’t try to turn around and come back.

On the Calendar

I'm pleased as punch to be signing the little book in two, two, two places this week. On Thursday, December 11, I'll be at Sister Arts Studio in Lincoln Park from 6:30–8:30 p.m. And on Saturday, December 13, I'll be at Prairie Arts and Fibers in Grayslake, Illinois from 10:30 a.m.–12:30 p.m.

And, in a late-breaking addition to the travel calendar, I'll be at Purl Diva in Brunswick, Maine twice this month. On December 20, I'll be reading from It Itches at 3 p.m. and then signing copies until 6 p.m. Then, on December 27, I'll be teaching a class on photographing your fiber–with an emphasis on making the best of your available equipment, whatever it may be. For information about class fees and registration, check out the Purl Diva Web site.

Looking into the future, by the way, I've been asked to sail along with Sea Socks 2009. Amy Singer's coming, too. If you'd like to sail with us, click here for more information.

41 comments:

Karin said...

How DO you do it? Come up with those exquisite Dolores stories? I sure hope that you get to publish (or SHE gets to) a book just about her.

I love the idea of a workshop on photographing one's fiber. If you're ever in my neck of the woods with that, I'll be sure to sign up for it.

Have a great day!

yarnpiggy said...

Reading your blog is way more effective than painkillers. Thanks. :-)

Elizabeth L in Apex, NC said...

Dear Lord. You are just too funny, and that Delores is absolute trouble (making for more funny). I just hope you can keep her out of jail next time, or they might just come search her home to find the source of her recurring issues. Then you'd really have some 'splaining to do, Lucy.

Nancy said...

You've been to Waxahatchie, then, I take it? !!!

KPiep said...

Thank You VERY much for a good, hearty laugh! I'll be crossing my fingers that Delores doesn't return in too much of a mood!

Carol said...

Wonder what was wrong with the third wise man...

kmkat said...

I fear for all the little towns between Waxahoochie and Chicago.

Imbrium said...

I think you're fibbing. I don't believe that "Texas state law has no precedent for filing criminal charges against livestock." ;)

DutchJan said...

Strange!...... she just passed our house here in Deventer. She probably has a lover with a private jet.....
I guess....You can expect everything from our Darling Dolores (DD she is called here ;-)

tricotchick said...

I'm so psyched you're coming up to nosebleed northern country. See you Saturday!!

anne marie in philly said...

well hello sailor! (thanks to monty python)

hopefully dolores will take the long bus ride back to chicagoland, stopping at all the little roadhouses along the way...

Kristen said...

Oh Franklin, you are just the best ab workout ever! I was laughing so loud my cat came over to see what was wrong with me.

meezermeowmy said...

At least you didn't have to post bail for her in Texas. Who knows what will happen before she gets home!

Yvonne said...

Part of me is relieved to know she's been found. The much bigger part of me is concerned for you and Harry, for if Dolores is headed north...well, ya know.

Christy D. said...

I thought that was Dolores I saw at the Lucky Horseshoe!

I don't know how you come up with these fun stories, but I foresee an animated series on Cable starring Dolores....

Paul said...

Well... The pageant to end all pageants. Thank you, Dolores.

AuntyNin said...

Dangit, Franklin, your blog is way too funny for me to read at w*rk...

Let's hope Dolores isn't in too horrible a mood by the time she gets back to Chicago.

Eileen said...

Franklin, ship the sheep (sorry, Delores...we'll kill a bottle or two of Maker's Mark sometime, I promise) to Roanoke (TX).

As a former upstate New Yorker, my sister finds it quiet there. Sis doesn't knit but I think she'd like Delores.

p.s. BTW, has Delores highjacked any "It Itches" shipments to Rhode Island? My LYS is still waiting for theirs!

p.p.s. H'mm. My word verification is "do sins".

Anonymous said...

What an unusual mind you have. Elegant, evolved and oh, so deliciously sick. I think I love you.

Please tell Harry (I love Harry, too!) to hide. Our Lady of the Lanolin should be in fine form by the time she arrives in Chicago. Perhaps you could take Harry to Maine with you for safekeeping...

B and the boys said...

You just made my day!! I was wondering what happened to D.... I guess you never know where she might turn up next though I wouldn't recommend the Pacific NW right now--- rain and wool, not always friends. Keep writing!

Deb said...

Thanks for the belly laugh!!!

Thea_Midnight said...

Franklin, I want what you are drinking. Thanks so much for the hilarious story and I am glad Delores is running amuk as usual. I cannot wait for your TV variety show.

Safe Travels,
Thea

Anonymous said...

My offer for a visit by Harry to Florida is still open. If necessary, I could have the ball band, too; but please (for now) see if Delores can be rehabilitated by New Years Eve.

Marea

Shannon said...

Wow, Texas, huh...I expected, from recent news, to hear that she was chatting with the Governor-General in Canada....I'm sure Harper had a pro-wool option in his economic stumbulus package...

Ariadne said...

I'm glad you had a fun trip, but even gladder you're back! You are one of life's happy consolations. I can't wait to learn what happens next. I'm confident that it won't involve math, because my verification word is:
duck a sum
--unless it's an Awful Warning about the dangers of skipping one's fiber math, and a reminder to count my stitches.

Lynn said...

I am spitting distance from Waxahachie; four of my co-workers live there, and one of them is a knitter. Funny she never told me about the dust-up at the pageant. Not even so much as a "you won't believe what this sheep -- bless her heart -- did at the Christmas pageant". Dolores can trade jail stories with my firstborn child, who got hauled in the night before her sister's wedding, on traffic warrants...

texasdawn said...

Good thing Dolores got out when she could. As any UT-Austin Longhorn can tell you, Texas A&M Aggies regularly have intimate relationships with sheep and they do not know when Baaah means no. Seriously. Of course, that might have been the crowd she was seeking and College Station isn't that far from Waxahachie.

Jackie said...

Well, Dolores is just lucky that the Christmas Phantom didn't strike, too. Just ask poor Garlinda Crump.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/A_Tuna_Christmas

Dutch Jan said...

She just passed my house again!!
Isn't that weird?
Asn I am sure it was her!!!

By the way: any chance that the calendars turn up again? because I sort of lost it somewhere in my mind to order

Brian said...

Hey, I grew up in Waxahachie and I'll have you know there's never been a lack of real sheep there ever. In fact, the town has consistently voted Republican for as long as I can remember.

Seanna Lea said...

Purl Diva sounds divine! I really need to learn how to teleport. It's so much faster and more efficient for the carless traveler.

The Knifty Knitter said...

I wish I lived in Maine so I could go to Purl Diva. I'm always needing help with fiber photography.

Yarnsnob said...

When will you have more calendars for sale??

Anonymous said...

News Flash!!
Dolores is still in Texas! I ran into her last night in the Fort Worth Stockyards at Billy Bob's Texas, the world's largest honky-tonk. (It was ladies night, so she got in free.) And you are right, Franklin, she did not stand out in the crowd there. She was already two sheets to the wind, but was surprisingly pretty agile on her four hooves while line dancing.

In talking with Dolores, I learned that she had vacated the north-bound bus from Waxahachie the minute it stopped in Dallas to pick up passengers. She wanted to see the Bush family's soon-to-be home in Preston Hollow, an uppity enclave where she did stand out in the crowd and was quickly escorted out to I-30 by Dallas police. She then made her way west to Fort Worth by hitchhiking.

Upon arrival in Fort Worth, Dolores ambled through Sundance Square, but was subsequently tossed out of the Bass Performance Hall for trying to turn the Fort Worth Symphony's performance into a sing-along. (You can imagine the vivid language she used while relating her story--ooh, that girl has a mouth on her!)

Dolores was also pretty miffed that Obama has yet to call to offer her a Cabinet position. She kept rambling on about how he should create a new Secretary of Fiber post.

Anyway, Dolores is planning on hanging around these parts for the Fort Worth Exposition and Livestock Show in January, so I'm fairly certain you're rid of her until the end of January. She mumbled something about buying glitzy western wear, parading around the Cowgirl Hall of Fame, riding the the rodeo Grand Entry every night, and barrel racing. That girl has grandiose plans, but I'm sure it was just the liquor talking. I personally think it's just an excuse for Dolores to sidle up to the professional rodeo performers, the rodeo clowns, or maybe the prize-winning rams.

I'll keep you posted if I have any more Dolores sightings.

Mary G. in Texas

Anonymous said...

You don't think Dolores picked that area of Texas because there's a Midlothian that is a south side suburb?

Patti (from Ottawa) said...

Franklin, you are so cool. Thank you for the jug and the orange. Good luck with Dolores. XO

Kara said...

My new favorite Best Christmas Pageant. Ever. A holiday tale that will soon become a classic, retold for generations to come I have not a doubt!

FiberQat said...

I pity the poor people on the bus. Who knows how many souls were tarnished on the Dog.

My verif word is SERIES.

Anonymous said...

Those of us at Wild Purls, believe that Delores is heading to Montana in order to get in touch with her long lost family after such a traumatic misadventure - losing the presidency,and almost becoming a lamb chop....
Franklin, why don't you come looking for her after New Years? Hmmmmmm??

Jan said...

Hurray!! I am so very excited that you are coming to Maine! Thank you! I admire you with all your talent. Your wonderful blog, funny book, funny drawings, not to mention your incredible talent for knitting! I am just begining to try lace. I didn't realize how easy it is to confuse me! hee hee You make it look easy. Then there is the feat of having found a wonderful mate! (I've yet to do that!) hee hee
Take care, see you soon

Anonymous said...

Reminded me of a Nativity play when I worked at a girl's reform school, and the Virgin Mary absconded in order to show off her outfit to the boys in the local cafe! Mia Self