She came in here to study. She is not looking for a date. Specifically, she is not looking for a date with you. You have now told her about your swell condo, your eco-friendly hybrid car, your burgeoning net worth and your boat. Yet she has said little more than "uh huh" at any point and hasn't taken her eyes off her book for five minutes. This is called "rejection." If she is your only prospect, you're not getting any tonight. I suggest driving your eco-friendly hybrid to the video store to rent some porn to watch all by yourself in your swell condo.
To the Angry Lesbians at the Next Table
As I am in no way personally responsible for the American government's refusal to issue free tampons, the existence of high-heeled shoes, the veiling of Arab women, or the weird taste of your latte, glaring at me every time one of you uses the word "men" will not put a stop the ongoing abuse of womynkind by the patriarchy.
To the Guy in the Northwestern Cap, Again
Seriously, dude, bringing up the sad story of your childhood pet's untimely death just seems desperate.
To the Skank at the Next Table
Number one, it's not warm enough out to justify a top that skimpy. Number two, if I wanted to see bare female nipples, I would go watch porn with the guy in the Northwestern cap.
To the Kid Who Keeps Kicking My Chair
Stop kicking my chair.
To the Mother of the Kid Who Keeps Kicking My Chair
When you take him over to Nettlehorst School to register for the mayor's very special fee-based kindergarten program for gifted white children, I hope he pees on the headmistress.
To the Short, Bald Guy Knitting at the Corner Table
You wouldn't have to rip back your lace rows quite so much if you'd focus more on the chart and less on the other customers.