Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Helpful Commentary for Various People in This Coffee Shop

To the Guy in the Northwestern Cap
She came in here to study. She is not looking for a date. Specifically, she is not looking for a date with you. You have now told her about your swell condo, your eco-friendly hybrid car, your burgeoning net worth and your boat. Yet she has said little more than "uh huh" at any point and hasn't taken her eyes off her book for five minutes. This is called "rejection." If she is your only prospect, you're not getting any tonight. I suggest driving your eco-friendly hybrid to the video store to rent some porn to watch all by yourself in your swell condo.

To the Angry Lesbians at the Next Table

As I am in no way personally responsible for the American government's refusal to issue free tampons, the existence of high-heeled shoes, the veiling of Arab women, or the weird taste of your latte, glaring at me every time one of you uses the word "men" will not put a stop the ongoing abuse of womynkind by the patriarchy.

To the Guy in the Northwestern Cap, Again

Seriously, dude, bringing up the sad story of your childhood pet's untimely death just seems desperate.

To the Skank at the Next Table

Number one, it's not warm enough out to justify a top that skimpy. Number two, if I wanted to see bare female nipples, I would go watch porn with the guy in the Northwestern cap.

To the Kid Who Keeps Kicking My Chair

Stop kicking my chair.

To the Mother of the Kid Who Keeps Kicking My Chair

When you take him over to Nettlehorst School to register for the mayor's very special fee-based kindergarten program for gifted white children, I hope he pees on the headmistress.

To the Short, Bald Guy Knitting at the Corner Table

You wouldn't have to rip back your lace rows quite so much if you'd focus more on the chart and less on the other customers.

85 comments:

Anne O'Nymous said...

Oh, my. I'm in a Durham, NC coffee shop now, putting off grading heaps of badly written and utterly un-edited papers.

I see all of the people you have described except you, Franklin.

More's the pity.

Lizabeth said...

Very, very funny. Somehow you manage to be catty and empathetic at the same time.

You could go for some easy lace. I'm liking Lace Ribbon Scarf for that.

Lista said...

Giant AHA! I finally figured out how to leave you a comment, and it only took six months! So, here it is! I love your blog! Creative, huh? How did it end? Did the guy get maced by the girl? Inquiring minds want to know!

duchessnyc said...

*sends wool and drinks*

you'll need both after a day at that coffee shop.

but thanks for making me laugh.

Amy said...

I love you. Also, I feel that the studying girl would appreciate if you said those comments out loud, coming from another studying girl. (I just usually bring earplugs.)

Barb said...

I agree with Amy above...I love you....

And wonder if you live in my head sometimes.

Please keep up with the keen and accutate observations of those around us....and tell the creepy guys to bug off. Sometimes we gals are just too tired of too many things and hope the annoying ones will just go away...

knittinggeek said...

Oh my.. I laughed so hard I spewed coffee on my screen.. thanks alot!

Anonymous said...

agree on the studying girl, and etc. However, for the "skank" you gotta remember that if you are fishing for straight men, you gotta use the bait that straight men recognize. Don't panic, those aren't aimed at you ;-). On the other hand, the womyn at the other table may be being entertained?

babblingbrook said...

Heh! I used to run a cafe, it brought back memories and made me giggle. :)

The Other Andrew said...

Thank God I'm not the only one that has a rich internal dialogue with strangers. The curious thing is why Cap Guy and Skank didn't realise they were missing an opportunity?...

Kathleen said...

But sometimes paying attention to the other customers is much more fun than knitting lace! :)

Elizabeth said...

I think Andrew hit the nail on the head. Maybe they picked each other up last week and he was, um, disappointing.

amy said...

Thank you so much for that.

KnitNana said...

Thank you! I needed that laugh!
Ain't people-watchin' fun???
('specially when you can appear to be busy with your knittin')
(((hugs)))

Anonymous said...

Franklin, I love you! Your self-chatter is the same annoyed and annoying rant that runs through my head most of the time I am in public nowadays. What a relief to know other people have this experience.

Leslie said...

Franklin,
Thank you for always making me laugh! I had major foot surgery today and even with the drugs, not feeling too well. You have such a gift. Thanks!

PICAdrienne said...

Very funny. However, if you bring a plain sock to knit at the coffee shop, you don't need to tink so much. I would not be able to watch my yo's with so much people watching fodder around me.

tana said...

Bravo!

This is why I cannot knit in a B&N...too much people watching to do.

Sue said...

your coffee shop is much more interesting than mine! Thanks for the laugh

=Tamar said...

The guy in the Cap sounded possible until you mentioned the boat. That'll eliminate any burgeoning net worth!

Krissy said...

hehe that's funny.

gotta love the coffee shop

no-blog-rachel said...

Oh you kill me. I did NOT expect that ending!

Bobbi said...

To the Bald Guy Knitting at the Corner Table...How do we all know that you are a Zen Buddhist? Because there are NO exclamation points after the statement "Stop kicking my chair." !!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dana said...

HAHAHA! I think I just snorted. :) Just what I needed today Franklin, you totally made me laugh outloud!

Sean said...

To the Short, Bald Guy Knitting at the Corner Table...wish you were coming to the Spring Men's Knitting Retreat.

I'll be missing you...

Rudee said...

OMG Franklin! Knitting lace in public? LOL. Showoff!

Anonymous said...

So other people have whole conversations in their head with strangers too, huh? Glad to know I am not alone. Thank the bald guy in the corner for me.

Anonymous said...

To the Short, Bald Guy Knitting at the Corner Table:
"Your 'lace' or mine?"

badmommy said...

We can knit together in a coffee shop any time - I love eavesdropping & loved this post - thank you for the great belly laugh!

Anonymous said...

to the guy in the northwestern cap - as pink sang: "it's just you and your hand tonight".

bwhahahaha!

(ain't I a stinker?)

anne marie in philly

Riin said...

I was knitting a sock in a coffee shop last night, listening to three young women, apparently recent UM graduates, search for jobs online. After a while they were bored, and the one looking for a librarian position started going into Wikipedia entries and entering false information for fun, just because she could, declaring "there's no Wikipedia police!"

I think next time we need to hire another librarian at work, I'll suggest adding "Have you ever falsified a Wikipedia entry?" to the list of interview questions to weed out candidates who have no respect for information or truth.

Ruth said...

I'm pretty sure I've been to that coffee shop.

Joanne said...

Only you can find entertainment from irritation!

Hope you write about your next flight.

Anonymous said...

Amen to all of it, except that last guy. Be nice to the Bald Guy Knitting at the Corner Table! :-)

Eric said...

To the Short, Bald Guy Knitting at the Corner Table:

Buy me a latte, you sexy thang, you!

Yvonne said...

I needed that chuckle.
Thanks.

Jodi said...

Tee hee... sounds like the Caribou on Broadway. I usually go to the one on Halsted, which is slightly better (and features more customers in bondage gear, freaking out the stray Cubs fans).

crankyisgood said...

To the woman trying to study while the dude in the NU cap continues to prattle on: Learn to tell people to shut up and leave you alone.

I guess nice girls don't do that, and all the girls at NU are awfully nice. It has taken me a while to learn how not to be nice, and not to blame the patriarchy for non-free tampons. Even though I do sorta think the patriarchy should pay for the tampons.

Anonymous said...

Franklin,my lamb; was the coffee good at least?

marie in florida

Mel said...

Just think, in two days you'll be surrounded by your people and non of those others. Squeeee!

Mel said...

Oh wait, I just read Sean's comment. You're not going to be there?


poop

Captain said...

I'm incredulous that my behavior didn't even merit a mention. I'll have to be outrageous next time.

Janette said...

Franklin, you are so funny!

KnittingGeek .. I missed my screen but got my keyboard!

Thanks Franklin ... still luv ya.

Kristen said...

Heh! I'm glad to learn I'm not the only one who entertains this type of mental chatter in public arenas. Perhaps the lace needs to be saved for less stimulating environments, like the El? ;)

KellyD said...

OMG.. I'm at work Its 0410 and I am laughing myself silly. The other RNs are com\ntimplating sending me to the psyche ward on an "errand" ROFL

Nicola said...

Jeez Franklin! You're makin' me pee my pants!

Bronchitkat said...

Maybe save the lace knitting for when Dolores is out on the campaign trail & you are at home, Franklin.

Otherwise there is much to be said for making your own coffee at home. But then you have to think up something original for the blog. Hmmm, some you win, some you lose.

Joy said...

To the Short, Bald Guy Knitting at the Corner Table: Thanks for the laugh! Can't wait to meet you at Knitting Camp.

Sandy said...

Yep. You just described my "inside" voice. To a tee. Sometimes my filter breaks though and the inside voice becomes the "outloud" voice.

That's always bad.

Patty said...

Thanks for the chuckle! your observations of human behavior are spot on :-) I was looking for a description of my daughter, who has spent the better part of the last two weeks in the coffee shop finishing up to graduate from DePaul Law this weekend....Chicago, here I come!!!!

Cindy in Happy Valley said...

Oh sweet heaven....you've just described my [favorite] coffee shop--in which I NEVER, EVER knit lace.

May I recommend an iPod with an audiobook to help with the concentration. Of course, we will then be devoid of your wit.

Don't tell the lesbians, but I'm currently listening to Gabaldon read by Davina Porter.

Josette said...

Thank you so much for the hearty laugh. Try visiting a coffee shop in Seattle. Now that's equally amusing.

Janice said...

Concentrate on the lace!!!! lol very good Commentary

Kristine said...

You're made of awesome.

mobishobel said...

Interesting, isn't it, that with such rich choices as the Douche in the Cap, the lesbians should choose the guy that's KNITTING to glare at! Oh well, thanks for the laugh. Now I want a coffee...

Liz G. said...

When you come to Austin, I have several coffee shops we could go snarktype about people together!

Can't wait for your visit! We have a small gaggle coming from Dallas.

Jeanne said...

Sounds like Dollop. Am I right? ;)

Trope said...

Gawd, I'm angry about all those angry-lesbian topics too. Except I'm ANGRIER, because I'm straight and as such, can never get my wrath recognized. Do I have to date girls in order to get my womyn-power credentials around here?!?

Plus, your comment about Nettlehorst made me pee my pants with laughter. It's really hard to be scowly when I'm reading you.

Vicky said...

ha ha ha HA ha ha

Ditto what other Andrew and Sandy said.

People watching - it never disappoints.

p.s. verification word is a hoot - zxjuuaa - just try to say that without at least smiling

Rhonda the Stitchingnut said...

To the Short, Bald Guy Knitting at the Corner Table. The Fat Old Lady sitting across from you punching the keys of a laptop is very envious of your beautiful lace knitting. When she's finished with this Blog she'll be knitting on a sock 'coz she's just not as much of a "show off" as you are. Don't look up!

Nooooooo, I said don't.

pdxknitterati said...

Thank you for the best blogread of my morning. Sitting here with my coffee *at home* giggling my fool head off. Found your blog through Ravelry (I commented on the EZ article in IK). You are a treasure!

Cheers, MicheleLB

christina said...

you and I need to go to the coffee shop together. We'd have a blast! I do the same thing... watch people and mess up my knitting.

I needed the laugh today!

Cindy said...

Along with everyone else you made my day much brighter. Do you really drink coffee? I thought you had NO vices at all.

Kayten said...

Ah, Franklin, after days of muttering to myself under my breath, interspersed with moments of weeping, you have made me laugh the laugh that loosens all the inner anxiety. You, and the fact that I'm off to a three day Cat Bordhi workshop tomorrow. Thanks for releasing the tension even before I get there.

QuietdanMN said...

Reading any of your posts never fails to make a horrible day into a great day.

Thank you for sharing a part of your world with the rest of us! You're a gem and a joy.

Ros Ritchie said...

And I thought it was just me who was turning into a grumpy old woman:-)

People-watching at its best. I could see and hear those people from the brief descriptions you gave - you have a rare talent for capturing humanity in all its manifestations. Thank you for such fun.

Kate R said...

Ha!
Keep knitting 'cause I thought that little lace number would be done by now!

Kate R

nobody said...

tee hee :)

Myfanwy said...

sigh....I miss so much in life going through the "drive through"

Anonymous said...

Marvelous word picture! I was once the managing editor of a small newspaper and my editor always told me everyone had a story. You just did a great job of finding several.

Too bad about the short guy's lace though. Sometimes it just takes concentration instead of multi-tasking.

Imagine, I ride my exercise bike, while knitting socks and listening to Brenda on my iPod! :O)
Norma in OR
PS: Your word verification code today looks like an interesting work: ppwlksl?

Knitting Painter Woman said...

IMO, knitting is about the world's best foil for chronic eavesdroppers and observers of human folly. You, me and Erasmus!

Gotta Knit! said...

Oh God Franklin, I love you!

Anonymous said...

Thank you! Your posts have ALWAYS made me laugh...and often made me think...of many things. You are a treasure! Jane

Kim said...

LOL I love it!!! Thanks for the morning laugh!

Zabet said...

I snark with you in spirit.

As Brenda has been VERY remiss in introducing the stalkers and stalkees all around, I leave you with this finding:

The Ram Club: Socks for Men
http://theuniquesheep.com/ramsclub.htm

shannon said...

tee hee

i see the ruse of knitting can be used as effectively as the headphones that are plugged into nothing when wanting to pay attention to the world around you. :)

katrynka said...

Hilarious! I love the way that you look at life!

Seanna Lea said...

I hope there weren't actual bare nipples in the coffee shop. If there were, then really Mr. Northwestern Cap should have been hitting on her with a $20 or two (or whatever the going rate is for skank).

Yvette said...

way to go with the lesbian stereotyping!

Angela said...

Don'tcha just want to say those things out loud sometimes? I know I do...

la takahashi said...

this is very funny!

Judith said...

Any chance that was the Caribou Coffee on Broadway right by Aldine? I used to go in there, be the only female patron, and not have the best pedicure. Not even close.

That was my morning refuge from the reconstruction of the Stevenson Expressway back in 1999. I was there so much, they started making my mocha as soon as they saw me walk up to the door.

Christy D. said...

Thanks for this post. I believe it accurately portrays every coffeeshop in America.

wendolyn said...

Your striving for sanity cuts clearer swaths for all the rest of us! Here in the west the caffeine mixed liberally with Valley Girls produces extraordinary weirdness ala sub-prime-time...or maybe Woody Allen goes to Bollywood.

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