Tuesday, April 15, 2008

The Rest of the Story

Continued from yesterday's post.

I heard nothing further from Dolores or Harry until late that night, when Tim answered the bell and found the two of them standing, muddy and rumpled, on the doorstep.

"You must be Dolores," said Tim.

"And you must be a master of deductive reasoning to figure that out, " said Dolores. "Do we get to come in, Sherlock Holmes, or would you prefer that we sleep outside so our frozen bodies can be nibbled by rabbits?"

"Or cows," said Harry. "You don't have cows in St. Paul, do you?"

"For the last time, you little drama queen," said Dolores, "she was just being affectionate."

"She ate my ball band!" Harry said to Tim. "I had to come all the rest of the way naked! And it's cold out there! I hate cows! You don't have any cows, right? I'm not staying here if you have cows!"

Tim just looked from them to me, and back to them, and back to me, and didn't say anything.

"Go back to bed," I said. "I'll sort these two out."

You've never seen a man move so fast.

While Dolores huffed around in the bathroom repairing the day's damages to her toilette, Harry sipped a restorative mug of cocoa and filled me in on the trip.

"Well I would have been done for except it turns out Dolores speaks Cow. She told Bonnie Belle–that was her name–to knock it off and take us to the closest road gong north. We had to walk through this huge field and whenever Dolores wasn't looking the stupid cow kept trying to bite me. I hate cows!"

"We've established that," I said. "Why didn't you guys call and tell me what was going on?"

"Well we were going to," he said. "But when we got to the road Dolores said she wasn't doing anything else until she had a martini. And then she spilled her vodka flask into her purse and it got all over the phone and we couldn't make it do anything but play her Thong Song ring tone."

"And then?"

Hitching

"Well we sat there for a long time and she was real grumpy and then we saw headlights, and she stood up and started shouting and waving. And then it turned out it was this bus full of students from the 4-H Club going to Minneapolis for a big meeting, so when Dolores said can we please get on board they were totally cool about it! They even let me have some of their cookies!"

"Lucky break, that."

"I know! The cookies were really good! So anyway, the best part is tomorrow they said we can come with them to their big meeting, because this one kid said he has been working with livestock since he was just little and he never, ever saw a sheep like Dolores before. And guess what? They asked her to come up on stage for the presentation on sheep breeding and you know how she loves to be in front of people."

I don't need to tell you the rest, of course. You've doubtless seen the headlines everywhere regarding the riot that broke out at the regional 4-H conference, and the exhibit that was cited for disturbing the peace, public lewdness, indecent exposure, and corrupting 300 minors.

After much finagling and pleading she's managed to avoid the possibility of jail time. But if we get out of this without a humiliating appearance on the "Today" show I shall be very surprised indeed.

Tomorrow I'll tell you how my weekend in St. Paul went, in case anybody cares.

Help a Friend?

I have a good friend, Leigh Witchel, who lives in New York City and is hoping to catch a ride out to Kennett Square, Pennsylvania for the 1,000 Knitters shoot this Saturday at Wool Gathering. I know that's one heck of a trip, but on the off chance that anybody's either going out from the city or able to provide (for example) a lift from the train in Philadelphia, would you kindly be in touch with him? (If his name seems familiar, maybe it's because he's a regular contributor of features to Vogue Knitting and Knit 1. Also, he's clean and polite and a good conversationalist and cute.) His email is leigh (at) leighwitchel.com.

44 comments:

VA said...

I knew it. Dolores really does adore Harry!

She's a sweetie under that gruff exterior.

Is it too late in the day to be tipsy off of baily's in coffee?

Anna-Liza said...

I don't think even Dolores' buddy Martha can get her out of this one ...

Sue Who Knits said...

To ask Dolores to demonstrate breeding could, and evidently did, get out of hand. Especially for the youth of 4-H of Minnesota.

Jackie said...

Oh my gosh!! NYC - wow. I've had people call from Ohio, western PA and NY. I am SOOOO excited to meet you Franklin!
xo Jackie

Tia said...

I am sooo sad to have missed you at Yarnover! :( I simply could not go with an empty wallet. There would have been a massive clean-up after my head exploded from not being able to buy any yarn.... *sob*

JanKnitz said...

Please, please, please, whomever picks up Leigh W. (and whomever you are, you will be glad you did!), tell him hi from an old Knitlister and ask after his dear friend, Phyllis Stein. ;o)

I miss both their posts!

FiberQat said...

She was only showing the true meaning of animal husbandry.

Give Leigh a hug from Duffy in PDX.

Captain said...

That 4-H riot in Minneapolis was the lead story on Fox News. They said 3,000 minors were corrupted, though. I just never know whether to believe Fox or the Fibertarians. sigh
--------------
Going...
going...
gong?

halfasheep said...

In Texas, we heard that it was 300 sheep in stilletos, that corrupted the morals of 3000 students. Gov. Rick Perry proposed legislation to build a wall along the OK-TX border to prevent illegal herd migration into TX. You're in luck, though, as the measure was defeated. Apparantly, our armadillos organized a protest on the capitol lawn (and 'Dillos can do a helluva lot of damage to a lawn!) They had signs such as "Free the Flock" and "Don't Deny Dolores!" Do you think she knows them?!?

Anonymous said...

I love Harry.

Martha0051 said...

Please tell me that Harry had his spare ball band with him. Dolores is on her own this time.

Anonymous said...

yes, we DO care about your weekend apart from the randy sheep and the little drama queen.

c u on saturday!

anne marie in philly

muoriska said...

Happy to hear , they were ok.

Just waiting for your story.

Sue said...

Is there any better way to start off a work day than with a Dolores/Harry story?

I don't think so! Also looking forward to hearing about the rest of the trip.

dale-harriet said...

Sue: NOPE. No better way. Oh, Franklin, tell Dolores that the Political Scandal shtick's been done, and while the "Today" show did do her justice (they blocked out the dance sequence) she's not making it easy on her campaign workers. I've already had 200 calls from "interested parties" - oh, and there's some talk of a busload of armadillos coming up here to Wisconsin to help with the voter registration. Franklin? This just may be getting a tad out of hand. (PS Tell Harry we all love him here, and wish him the best.)

TO in SP said...

There's a story in the news today that there was a near riot and self-evacuation on a few subway trains in Chicago yesterday. Transit workers were asking people to wait on a train while a problem was being resolved, but someone stirred up the passengers and got them to leave and walk through the tunnels. Did You-know-who have anything to do with this?

Liz said...

If anyone is driving from NYC, i would be happy to join in the car and contribute to the gas fund. -Liz Otero, lizotero AT gmail DOT com

Twilight said...

Harry lost his ball band?!? Oh my. Maybe you can knit him a new one? hehe

Ever think of coming out with Dolores and Harry plush toys? I would so buy them.

kmkat said...

Poor Harry. I shall keep on eye on the St. Paul police blotter; if your pals require the services of a knitting CPA, I'm your gal.

Seanna Lea said...

I am sure Dolores had a field day corrupting the youth as it were. Of course, there are some adults who would probably pay good money to see that.

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