Thursday, August 16, 2007

Will She Play in Peoria?

Sometimes you have to ask the difficult questions, even when you're pretty sure you won't like the answers.

"Dolores," I said, "what's going on with your show at the Lucky Horseshoe? I thought you were supposed to open two months ago."

Harry, who was sitting next to her watching Valley of the Dolls, grabbed his bag of Milk Duds and rolled swiftly out of the room.

Dolores glared at me over her glasses.

"We do not speak of That Place in this house," she said.

I was startled. The 'Shoe is almost a second home for Dolores. The strippers have come to look upon her as a mother figure and the bartenders keep her special, monogrammed martini glass under the bar. Rumor has it that the owner, who hung her picture above the till in a heart-shaped frame, plans to retire to Bermuda after her tab is paid in full.

"What happened?"

"Artistic differences," she hissed. "Apparently my vision for the divertissements was too lofty for this cultural backwater. And I refused to compromise the integrity of my art."

"Eh?"

"She wanted to fly in on a cardboard moon singing 'Dis-moi que je suis belle,' " shouted Harry from the safety of the bedroom, "so they replaced her with a drag queen named Magic Wanda who pulls rabbits out of her -"

Dolores lunged for the bedroom door but Harry was too quick, and slammed it shut.

"Naturally I refuse to cast my pearls before swine, so the production is presently considering alternate venues in other localities."

"You mean..."

Housecoat"A tour, yeah. Victorine is managing the whole thing. She knows all about it. She's been on the road since the fricking Eisenhower administration with that Opéra Brébis du Québec gig."

"As a makeup artist."

"She is an established entertainment professional. And for your information, she has already procured our transport and is in the process of engaging us at several fine Midwestern establishments."

"Us? You're taking the dancers, too?"

"Not exactly. The greedy bastards wouldn't work for tips so I had to make substitutions. Fortunately, we got so much talent right here at home."

It took a moment for that to sink in.

"The sock yarn?"

"Damn straight," said Dolores. "They already sing and dance. They're easy to pack and move. A few tucks in the costumes here and there and you'd never know the difference."

"I am not wearing a thong!" screamed Harry through the door. There was general shout of agreement from the yarn cupboard.

"Of course not, sweethearts," trilled Dolores, like a foghorn imitating a nightingale. "My primary concern is for your comfort and safety."

"Dolores," I said, "I don't know if the Midwest is ready for you singing 'You Make Me Feel Mighty Real' in front of a chorus line of half-naked sock yarn. Why not cut your losses and focus on one of your other projects?"


"Well, that wasn't necessarily the one I was think-"

"You may be right," she said, pensively. "This country needs a firm hoof at the wheel."

"Actually, I was thinking maybe you could take another pottery class."

"You will please excuse me," she said, lying down on the sofa and closing her eyes. "I must ponder...art...politics...which? The agony of many talents. The agony."

Her cell phone rang.

"Victorine! Baby! What's the bon mot? Slow down, bitch, you know I can't understand your damn accent. The Giddy Buffalo Show Lounge and Motor Lodge...Kankakee...two nights...forty bucks and dinner...we'll take it!"

With a jubilant bleat she tossed the phone into the air, neatly beheading my bust of Meg Swansen.

I stared at her.

"It's a long time until the election," she said. "I gotta pack."

Load In

36 comments:

Janet said...

Dolores for President - where do we get the T-shirts?

Lyda said...

Oh, Dolores, we've missed you! Now I want a tour t-shirt and a "Dolores for President" t-shirt. Or knitting bags... that would be good too...

Yvonne said...

*snort*
I love the cartoon of the yarn. Franklin, I needed this lift today. Thank you. :)

Frank said...

Well shoot, I see another addiction I can add to my list...

What a hoot!

Aidan said...

Is she booked at Club Peoria, or Big Al's?

Anna-Liza said...

IF the tour comes to Denver, I'm there, baby!

Flavaknits said...

An all singing dancing smokin' sheep for President ? Sure beats the present incumbent!

MX said...

Bumper stickers in the shop yet?
Brilliant idea!!

Libby said...

Thanks for making my day!

Nancy said...

...and she bleats... "MMMM-eeee-g!"

AuntyNin said...

Oh. My. Goodness.

The mind boggles... but let's face it, as President, Dolores couldn't be any worse than some of the ... um ... (expletive deleted) we've had in the past.

MollyBeees said...

Hee Hee! Delores is my hero! I'd definitely vote for a sheep over the jackass we've got now!

angelanoel said...

I know a great place in LA she can play! And they serve good food, too.

Highland Hollow said...

Dolores is my new role model. I love your blog. I want a Dolores martini glass.
Jane

MonicaPDX said...

Well, that's one way to bring knitting back into the White House! Not to mention any hijinks with the boys won't become scandals, because Dolores will flaunt everything! I love it. Let's put the fun back in politics!

Yeah, a Dolores for President T-shirt would be as good as a "Vetinari in 2008" campaign shirt. (That suggestion copyright my cyber-sis Grace, who came up with the idea. I keep pestering her to actually make the bloody thing for Dragon.con this year... Hm. Maybe I'd just better present a fait accompli by working up and sending her the damned iron-on.)

KnitNana said...

Dolores for President...and the Sock Yarn Thongs as part of her administration? Well, it has a certain ring to it...They can't possibly do worse, can they, than what's already out there for our consideration?
LOLOL!
(((hugs)))

Samantha said...

I love the stories about Dolores...

[her running for President - genius]

Martha said...

Dolores at the Inauguration Ball. Now there's an image!

Kristen said...

I grew up in Peoria. I'm sure we could find a place for her to play there!

Jackie said...

OMG... Too funny! Thanks for the giggle in the afternoon even though I nearly spewed coffee all over my keyboard.

Hey, where can we get the Dolores martini glasses?

Carson said...

I'm just trying to think of the genre..would it be Madcap Surrealist Whimsy?
I just wanted to use the word 'madcap' really, because of the apt 30s flavour.

:)

poodletail said...

Dare we hope?

MN Tim said...

This evening I needed something to pick up my sagging spirits. This helped. Your wit and humor always make me smile. Thank you.

Anonymous, too said...

I could say something about a mutton-headed president, but Mrs. Bush wants us to quit picking on her son.

A Little Quacky said...

As a Navy Wife I find the idea of Delores as my husbands 'Boss' very entertaining, will we get a national knitting day out of it? And a pay raise to buy more yarn? Got to think of the important stuff!

Rabbitch said...

Sometimes you frighten me.

TussahSilk said...

Where can I buy tickets for the Kankakee show?

I'm sure that after just one night of Dolores' superstar-dom, Wikipedia will need to be updated to add her name to the following list of illustrious celebrities:
"- Author Bill McGrath lived in Kankakee for many years.
- Actor Marc Grapey grew up in Kankakee.
- Porn Star Randy Spears is from Kankakee."
...
"Dolores performed in Kankakee" ...

Sarah R said...

Oh, those poor, dear, innocent skeins of sock yarn.....

Perhaps they should come live in my house...

Betsy said...

Beheaded your bust of Meg Swansen...didn't see that one coming...spewed coffee all over the screen...cleaning now...

I am thinking two versions of the coffee table book of knitters...one the arty version and one the hysterically funny captioned version...(hey, magazines put out different covers on the same insides...). What is Dolores gonna do when you are more famous than she is??????

Anonymous said...

Who (or what) pray tell is Harry?

It is so hard to explain to my office mates why I am laughing so hard that my morning cup of tea is coming out my nose and going onto my keyboard and computer screen.

All I can say is that Queen Delores and her antics really brightened up this sleepy Friday morning for me. Best Hester

Deborah C said...

Dolores swinging on a giant moon... the mind boggles! I concur, a Dolores for President shirt is absolutely necessary. Can we hope for a Cafe Press addition?

David said...

I hear Kankakee is lovely this time of year.

Tracy said...

Hmmm Club Peorian? No dice closed a while back, now Big Al's is a posibility or perhaps Club Caberet in Creve Cour, I mean really if she's booked in Kanakee....

YTT said...

Quick - Gran Scena Opera Co needs a Thaïs, and they're trying to reach Dolores! (Madame Vera Galupe-Borszkh, their great "traumatic soprano," is down with a cold.) I think Dolores would fit right in. (Just remember, Dolores, in opera, they're not called "thongs" - they're called "arias.")

FiberQat said...

For heaven's sake make sure she doesn't follow John Edwards' investment strategy!

Rhonda the Stitchingnut said...

Oh I love it ... Dolores for President. The image is better than Hillary and most of the other ole political crowd in the running. I can see promoting a National Knitting Day ... and more sock yarn for everyone.