Thursday, June 21, 2007

House Full of Pride

Did you ever have one of those days where you worked yourself into a froth at the office, came home in a stupor longing for a hot bath and early bedtime, and found two sheep and a flock of sock yarn building a Gay Pride float in the middle of your living room floor?


Me too.


As with so much that goes on under my roof, the origin of this project was a mystery to me. I didn't know about it until Harry asked whether he could put the best cloth on the dining room table for a committee meeting.


We've had a few committees in the apartment before and the result is usually messy, and often expensive. I pressed for details.


"Me and the guys are trying to get a spot in the Pride Parade," said Harry. "We want to show that the Manly Yarn Brotherhood Against Loose-Lipped Slurs is out and proud!"


"A noble goal," I said.


"Yeah!" squeaked Harry. "We even have a theme. Look!"


He held up a sheet of construction paper decorated with a fat rainbow and the slogan MYBALLS: FULL OF PRIDE.


"That'll get their attention," I said.


"Can we have the meeting here? Please?"


"Can you keep it neat and quiet?"


"I promise!"


"Then you may."


And then Dolores got involved.


The sock yarn wanted something simple, with balloons and streamers. Dolores quickly convinced them that no float worth riding on could roll without a hot theme and a resident diva. Add those, she insisted, and the group would be shoo-in for first prize.


"Oooh," said the sock yarn.


"Now," said Dolores, taking Harry's place at the white board and grabbing his erasable marker, "Let's brainstorm some fun themes."


"Yarn Through the Ages!" shouted a ball of bamboo. "Then we can all dress up in drag as famous knitters!"


"Yeah! I call dibs on Meg Swansen," said Harry.


"Hey! I want to be Meg!" said the bamboo.


"You lack the requisite poise," sniffed Harry.


"Your mother sleeps with Lion Brand," said the bamboo.


"Boys!" Dolores snapped, tapping the white board, "I said a fun theme. Something wild, something naughty, something that'll make the guys go crazy with desire when they see you coming."


"Have you ever spent a weekend with Meg?" said Harry.


Dolores wrote ISLAND OF THE FIRE GODDESS across the board in big letters.


"Ooooh," said the sock yarn.


I had to speak up. "Dolores," I said. "Fire? And yarn? Maybe not a great combination."


"We'll just pretend, silly," she said. "What do you say to a big volcano, boys? And lots of palm trees, and you can all put on flirty little grass skirts and dance around suggestively and throw flowers to the crowd."


"Ooooooh," said the sock yarn.


"And then every so often, the volcano will erupt! And Pele the Goddess will rise up from it and sing selections from her upcoming revue at the Lucky Horseshoe!"


"I know how to play 'Dancing Queen' on the ukulele," said a normally shy and taciturn ball of Lorna's Laces.


That settled the matter.


Victorine, who is between gigs, flew in from Quebec to help with the costuming. Never one to hold back from a chance to show off, she proposed that Madame Pele might share her volcano with a younger, slimmer, French-speaking cousine. Dolores took issue.


"One volcano, one goddess. How about we put an apple in your mouth and say you're the main dish at the luau?"


"Ah sink no," said Victorine, "Ah sink instead, Ah take dis 'ere apple, and Ah shove eet up you beeg fat cu-"


That was two days ago, and I'm still picking false sheep eyelashes out of the rug.


It was Harry who ultimately solved the problem with a suggestion worthy of Solomon.


Two volcanoes.


They Float

Whether you're gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgendered, undecided; or a straight friend, parent, sibling, coworker, neighbor, employer, or admirer, Happy Pride from our house to yours.

79 comments:

~~Knitting Addict~~ said...

Awesome!!! And the very same back to you :)

Mel said...

Darlin'. That is absolutely precious. Happy Pride to your balls and you. :-)

April said...

Oh I hope they have a float like that in the SF parade!

Happy Pride to you, Franklin. :)

funfairiegirl said...

Your mother sleeps with Lion Brand," said the bamboo.

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

sorry. I laughed so hard I scared the sleeping kitteh. I am pretty sure she is plotting to smother me with sock yarn now.

Country Mouse said...

Truly a well-constructed post, Franklin.

5elementknitr said...

Pride's a beautiful thing!

The first time I came here there was some Dolores shenanigans going on and I thought WTF??? But, I love it!

moiraeknittoo said...

Water. Everywhere. The banner on the float is a work of, um, art. :D

Anonymous said...

What would you do without Harry's solution, so elegant in its simplicity? Hope Dolores and Victorine are over the unpleasantness. You truly are a joy to read.

Happy Pride, Franklin!

MonicaPDX said...

::falls over howling:: Priceless! Franklin, I hope someone asks to use your slogan and MYBALLS next year, and if you donate the usage, displays your name somewhere prominent. Or pays mucho moola. Happy Pride!

"...taciturn ball of Lorna's Laces..."
::still giggling helpleslly::

Joy said...

Oh dear gawd Franklin, you've got me on the floor. All the more fun because I came out in Chicago in the longago days and was in the first Gay Pride march in - I think - 1970 (or maybe 71) - in any case, at that time a "float" consisted of a couple of drag queens, a Michael Jackson wanna-be in florescent orange streamers and a couple of confused young dykes falling off the back of someone's borrowed convertible into traffic on Broadway. Fond Memories. Happy Pride!

Joy
Rewalsar, H.P., India

Christa Giles said...

Oh, soo many Pride parades with divas and disco balls, and not nearly enough yarn participation :) Glad things are different in your end of the world! Happy Pride!

Brewgal said...

Hilarious! My brain got stuck trying to mentally hear "Dancing Queen" played on a ukelele. Happy Pride to you too, Franklin.

tricotchick said...

Your niece is so blessed. I can only imagine the wonderful stories you will tell and draw for her. Happy Pride, Franklin! :o)

Penny said...

thank you for helping me clean my laptop screen Franklin.. I splurted tea all over and I am still howling with laughter. if I hadn't stood up i'd be on the floor. tho i must say, if i still have ukulele dancing queen in my head by lunchtime ... maybe i will get to chicago for the knitter's project... ;)

Mama Llama said...

Represent! Our Pride Parade could have used a couple more knitters.

I love your sketch of the float. I would soooo push myself to the front of the crowd to see that roll by.

Anonymous said...

There are no words to describe how funny you are. Thank you for sharing your gift with us.

Debbie said...

Happy Pride back at cha!

Jenn said...

Happy Pride to you, Franklin!

sophanne said...

Lion Brand- Dancing Queen from Lorna's Lace- like everyone else-HOWLING HERE!

Thanks! Happy Pride! Go Forth and Be.

Yvonne said...

I snorted.
Harry, who is my general mgr., laughed his ass off when he saw the pic of Dolores. (He's got a thing for sheep...you don't want to know.)
Happy Pride to you, Franklin.

shyknitter said...

Happy Pride Franklin, and to everyone else. Are you sure that Delores isn't a 'sister'? She would make quite an impression at the Dyke March. I can envision her on the back of a Harley leading the parade.

anne marie in philly said...

snort giggle snort

GREAT way to start my friday morning!

enjoy the parade!

Eldronius said...

Oh Franklin, your balls just kill me. Who knew sock yarn could be so entertaining! Harry is so cute, I want to squish him until he felts.

Janice said...

Am laughing so hard over the Lion Brands line, this was a great wake up read. Happy Prides Day!!! Thank you Harry and Dolores and of couse you too Franklin.

Martha said...

Harry Bollasockyarn as Meg Swansen. Now there's an image that will keep me smiling all day.

Leslie said...

By the gods and goddesses, Franklin, you've done it again! Thank you so very much.

Mom said...

You always seem to know when we all need a laugh. I needed a good laugh this morning. Have a great day and Happy Pride to you...

Pink said...

Happy everything right back to you!

Anonymous said...

You just make my day. I hope that you get a chance to use your humor and sense of the absurd in your new job. Congrats on all good things and Happy Pride to you. I am so glad that you are part of my daily 'gifts to self'
Katrina

Sneaksleep said...

And the same to you!! What a great story to start my Friday with--thank you!!!

Kara said...

Man, I never get tired of Dolores and Harry stories. Happy Pride to you, too!

geogrrl said...

The only thing I find sad about all of this is there won't be an actual MYBALLS float.

Happy pride day, hon. I hope you get to watch the parade.

Cobbalicious said...

I love the ball of yarn on the left, seductively winding its tail up the trunk of the tree.

FemiKnitMafia said...

Hilarious!
Happy Pride from one homopolis to another.

Lisa said...

Happy Pride! At least they didn't name the float "Dolores and her wooly balls".

Mary said...

Happy Prideday Franklin!

Kamigaeru said...

Thank you so much for the badly needed laugh today! Your float design wins, pants down.

Sravana said...

Franklin, you KILL!

(I would post "ROTFL", but that's so 1995...)

Thanks for the laugh this morning - I really needed it.

(still boggling over the idea of you without pants on from a previous post...)

AuntieAnn said...

My brother and his hubby are the elected community Grand Marshals of the SF Pride Parade! I am bursting with pride. Also completely angst-filled over my whole family being together for the weekend, including my mom and dad, who have not laid eyes on each other in, I think, about 15 years, by her choice. Aagh! but, Happy Pride to you, Franklin!!

Samantha said...

I also really enjoyed this post - thanks - the joyfulness of your writing reminds me of Armistead Maupin.

neverknittathing said...

Have we adequately expressed to you how much we love you, Franklin?

You are a light in the darkness. (As are, of course, Dolores, Harry Victorine et al.)

Great Balls of Pride indeed...

Anna-Liza said...

Oh, this was perfect! I'm so glad I decided to come see if you had a new post before getting started on work!

Happy Pride to you, too, Franklin!

Lisa said...

Oh Franklin!

Too many images to supress. The "Disco Queen" image will be the hardest to repress.....

Thank you so much for just being yourself!

Happy Pride back at ya! Wifey and I will be front and center here in Houston tomorrow!

Anonymous said...

Hahaha, snort! Thanks for the uplifting funniness, I do dearly love your blog :-))

LLA said...

I just have to say that
"Your mother sleeps with Lion Brand"
is the funniest thing I've read all week! I'm totally stealing it...

Happy Pride Weekend!

ted said...

Damn you: Dancing Queen is stuck in my head.

Where's the white board in your apartment? I don't remember seeing that when I was there last summer.

Happy Pride, mon cher. I think you should go to that ice cream joint down the street from your pad, in your leathers, to work on the lace shawl. Now that would be a sight.

Victoria said...

lmao!
happy pride to you as well.

Judy G. said...

By comparison, our parades in Saskatoon are really, really boring. This should make the cover of some magazine or other!

Paul said...

Thank you for your awesome writing and creativity! Happy pride to you as well!

Kristen said...

OH man--I love your brain! Thanks for that Friday giggle fest. Enjoy your Pride weekend!

Riin said...

My, what interesting goings on you have at your residence... It makes me wonder what the yarn in my apartment gets up to when I'm not around. But then of course they don't have Dolores to, er, influence them.

Happy Pride, Franklin. You've got a lot to be proud of.

Mary the Digital Knitter said...

What happened to the grass skirts?

Happy Pride Day, Franklin.

Beadissimo said...

Oh, Franklin...Happy Pride to you and Harry. the SF pride parade won't have anything as funny!!!
Kate R.

Heather said...

That was...forget it. I'm speechless. Largely with giggling.

Happy Pride Day to you and your balls.

Ditzy Cadet said...

You've lost it, haven't you?! You are going to leave them to their own devides as we tromp around the Loop and do lunch tomorrow???

Angela said...

Truly, the balls are in your court (whatever that might mean.) Happy Pride Weekend. Thanks for the wonderfully amusing post!

sahara said...

Franklin, that's a fierce post! Have a happy pride! Folks here have started already!

I hope my cold from the menopausal weather they call summer in London, gets better enough to celebrate; there's gonna be a bunch of knitters in Washington Square Park.
They have buttons that say––

first woman––"my mother made me a lesbian."

second woman––"If I give her some yarn, will she make me one too?"

no-blog-rachel said...

Happy Pride back atcha, Franklin! The Lion Brand crack is still making me snicker and I read it last night.

AnneMarie from PA said...

Gee, I never thought about any of my sock yarn being gay. Does that mean I have to go through my stash and separate the right wing yarn from the left wing yarn, in an attmept to avoid some nasty disagreements? And how do you tell which is which? Would, say, Knitpicks sock yarn be considered right wing, white trash yarn since it was inexpensive (ahem) and has colorway names like "squaredance"? I definitely need more information on all of this; thank you for beginning to fill what is obviously a very large gap in my social issues education!

God, you're hilarious. Your mother sleeps with Lion Brand. My daughter thinks I'm nuts because I'm still giggling. She asked, "Is this the guy who learned to knit in prison?"

DK said...

Hehehehehehe, that's awesome....Happy Pride to you, dude.

And, it might explain the strange ukelele music we've been hearing at night ever since I bought that LL Black Purl...

Kate

denny Mcmillan said...

grass skirts..1$ at my 1$ store in the mall they come in rainbow (perfect no?)

I taped a grass skirt to a "silly hat" with mini pinwheels (for cocktails) toothpicks. Silly hat day in grade 3. My little dude rocks the house with silly hat.

Rainbow grass skirts for 1$ we need to remember this for next time Dolores.

denny Mcmillan said...

Yo Rachel H. 1$ grass skirts amazing.


Lets get this dude up to T.O to shoot us at S.n B.

Lynn said...

Franklin, you're a peach! And Happy Pride [Day? Week? Century?] right back atcha, dear.

Laiane said...

I [heart] Dolores.

Seriously, Franklin, your astringent replies to Harry as golden. Such wit!

anneonymousone said...

Riin, I know exactly what my yarn does when I'm not home. It pulls loose hair from the dog and scatters it everywhere (weaving much of it artlessly through whatever I'm knitting that doesn't match the dog), hides the most useful of knitting books and patterns, and brings down a blizzard of dust on all horizontal surfaces.

Happy Pride, all you proud, happy folks.

Jejune said...

LOL! We need to make damn sure that my naughty lamb Lulu NEVER meets up with Dolores - that way sheepy madness lies...

Happy Gay Pride!

Moirae said...

Happy pride day to you too.

David said...

You should have called. I would have flown back out to ride on that float.

Rhonda the Stitchingnut said...

Oh my eyes have tears in them from the laughter ... the solution was the ultimate ending of a good story. May you day be happy indeed!

knitnzu said...

Yeah, happy to you too! My little balls idea around here is to felt up the dogs fur into catnip stuffed cat toys...black dog balls for cats! I haven't gotten further than just collecting the stuff. And, I did read 'A Northern Light' by Jennifer Donnelly, a young adult book, liked it very well (and have sent it to a 12 and a 14 year old girl) ...have you seen it?

Knitting Painter Woman said...

Pride to you and proud of you.

Anonymous said...

It is not enjoyable to follow a link from knitty and find gay propaganda. What does this have to do with knitting.

Carol said...

No-one can say it like you. May your balls always be happy. Happy Pride beautiful artist :)

Code Purl said...

Franklin, it's your funny stories that make me LOL and totally improve an otherwise drab workday.

CherylAnn said...

Aw, that is one of my favorite of your blog entries, yet! Happy Pride to you, too, from a fellow knitter and ally.

Dhi said...

Oh SO very classy, Franklin...the wit is endless.

(But why are your yarn balls cuter than my yarn balls? I have some that postively sneer at me from the basket. Yours are all so, so...adorable. Pettable. Personable. Have you no Bernat about? Or was it left quivering at the bottom of the When I'm Feeling As Cheap As What I'm Knitting bin?) ;-)

Jess said...

Trying to explain what's funny about that cartoon to my 4yo kiddo... not very easy to do without having to explain a whole bunch of other stuff I'd like to put off. Note to self: read Franklin's blog while kids are not around.

I hope your Pride weekend was lovely! I somehow missed ours here in the Twin Cities.

RobinHill said...

Thanks for the humor. That just made my day - 'office froth' being a considerable understatement of my today. Danke!

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