Thursday, May 10, 2007

Dolores and the Siege of Lakeview

Last night I was sitting in the big armchair, alternately working on the christening shawl and wondering how in the hell Giada De Laurentis got a cooking show, when the front door banged open. Dolores staggered in, breathing hard, carrying a whimpering Harry under one arm.

"Let me guess," I said. "Ann Coulter's violated the restraining order again, hasn't she?"

And suddenly Dolores was pinning me to the back of the chair with a pointy hoof and glaring with a hatred she normally reserves for the bartender who announces Last Call.

"You...fool," she hissed, still panting. "You're going to get us all killed."

"Come again?"

"They tried to rip off my ball band!" screamed Harry.

"Harry," said Dolores, "Round up the other guys and get under the bed and don't come out until I give you the all clear. And stay calm, goddammit!"

"We're gonna diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiie," Harry squealed, skidding toward the bedroom.

Outside, on the street, I heard the rumble of many angry voices. A crowd was seething around the corner, blocking traffic and yelling...my name?

"Shit," said Dolores. "They cover ground faster than I thought. Quick, we gotta pile the furniture up against the door. You take that end of the sofa."

"Dolores, put the furniture down."

"This is all your damn fault," she said. "You just had to go and shoot your mouth off in that freaking blog, didn't you?"

"What did I do?"

"You insulted the crafters!"

"I did?"

"Yes, you did. And now–"

The rest was drowned out by a sound not unlike a heavy hailstorm, as thousands of tiny objects began to ping against the living room window.

"They're shooting Popsicle sticks at us!" shrieked Harry.

"Get back under the bed!" shouted Dolores.

On the street, lights flashed. The cops had arrived, but their patrol cars were immediately overrun by a pack of women who unfurled an appliqué banner suggesting that I do something Addi never intended with my knitting needles.

The phone rang.

"This is Ernie at the front desk. I got all these people down here say they wanna découpage your mouth shut. What the fuck is découpage?"

"Ernie, don't let them in here, please–"

"What? Hang on, hang on. No, lady, I don't want my picture taken. No, I don't wanna be in your scrapbook. Jesus, lady, back off...Ow! Franklin, what the hell am I supposed to–Ow!"

There were sounds of a scuffle, and then suddenly another voice boomed into the phone.

"Is this Franklin?"

"Who wants to know?"

"Listen, you stuck up little yarn sniffer, my name is Loretta Fortescue and I'm from Grand Forks, North Dakota, and I'm here with my Mama and my Granny and our cousin Bruce and about ten thousand of our best crafter friends and we'd like an apology."

"Um. How about if I just apologize from up here?"

"Oh yeah?" said Loretta. "Well, you got two minutes to reconsider that idea before we bust up there and give you the Rubber Stamp Treatment."

And she hung up.

I just stood there, limp, with the phone in my hand. Dolores was pacing back and forth, brow furrowed. And then I uttered a sentence I never imagined would come out of my mouth.

"Dolores," I said. "Help."

"Gimme the phone," she said. "I gotta call in a favor. It's a longshot, but it's the only thing I can think of."

I collapsed into a chair. Dolores tapped at the phone and talked to a seemingly endless number of different people, passed along from one to the next until finally she shouted, "Martha! How the hell you been, girl? It's Dolores Van Hoofen...Dolores...Right, from Woolrich! You do remember! Uh huh. Yeah, as a matter of fact I do still have the negatives from our duo shoot after that gig. That's kinda why I'm calling. We have a situation. There's ten thousand pissed-off crafters outside, looking to make my boss into a tree ornament because of something he wrote. I was thinking, you say the word to 'em, and these pretty pictures go back into the vault. And wouldn't that be a good thing?"

I heard some yelling on the other end of the phone. Dolores listened placidly until it stopped, then said, "Aw, I knew you'd help an old girlfriend out. Say, while we're talking, any way I could get tickets to the show?"

More yelling, then a click.

Almost instantly, the shouting downstairs ceased. I ran to the window, and saw the protestors leaving the building in a steady stream, two by two, in docile silence.

"She works fast," whispered Dolores with an unmistakable tone of admiration.

"Let's just hope she never decides to use her powers for evil," I said.

"Not on my watch," said Dolores.

75 comments:

Anonymous said...

Let's all hope that Dolores is the one who doesn't use her powers for evil!!

Oh honey, you sure spin a fantastic yarn, knittable or not!

Wet, Elaine, whatever...

Jenn said...

"And wouldn't that be a good thing?"

OMG, Franklin, you are a precious gift to us all. Thanks for the laughter.

Angela said...

Not to be indelicate, but don'tcha think that Giada got her show--at least in part--to her rather enviable rack? (And you know I'm not talkin' rack of lamb...)

Knitting Addict said...

I so needed this!

I LOVE Dolores (and YOU too!!)

Thank you so, so much....for everything!

Desiknitter said...

Heh heh, I think the funniest was rubber stamp.

Victoria said...

ok so i have to know.....what was said to the angry crafters that they left two by two???????

i am laughing so hard but i am hanging here....LOL

M-H said...

Dolores... and *Martha*? Who knew...?

Mel said...

Okay, I got quite a giggle out of that one. If you don't think Martha's evil, though, just go ask the year-round residents of Bar Harbor.

So when's your sister going to pop, Uncle Franklin?

Ev said...

It is not often I post to ANY blog, but I had to! Thank you, thank you, thank you for the chuckles! You have NO idea how much I needed it tonight.

Twilight said...

Brilliant! This might be my favorite post of yours yet.

That was perfect and funny from start to finish. Bravo!

Tanya said...

Loved it! Very very funny!

KellyD said...

OMG that was freakin hilarious!! And on that note it's off to work.

Seanna Lea said...

This made me laugh (though quietly, there are people sleeping nearby)!

I stopped reading some of the knitting lists after someone dragged the whole craft versus art thing. I always feel the term crafter covers a lot of ground and creates misgivings in groups that have more specific terms for their crafts (or are only doing one or two of them).

MonicaPDX said...

"What the fuck is découpage?"

You know, this is a question that has nagged at me for decades...

Absolutely brilliant! And I certainly hope poor Harry recovers. Will he ever dare show his portfolio again? Oh, the tragedy. I also want to know what Dolores will insist you do to pay her back??? I shudder to think. But then, torture by lacquer would be an even worse fate.

Annash said...

Dolores is priceless! And so are you, Franklin. Best laughs I've had all week.

anna from finland

Sean said...

You're delightful, Franklin. Thanks for the morning chuckle.

Carol said...

I figured Giada was related to Dino.

Sue said...

"stuck up little yarn sniffer" That is funny! Where does your mind go to give birth to such great stuff? Thanks for the laughs, what a way to start a day!

Alwen said...

This is the one that won my "Spew Coffee on the Monitor" award:

"They tried to rip off my ball band!"

ouchie!

Amy Detjen said...

You know, I always suspected that Dolores was uber-connected, I just didn't know how high it went!

Superbly done, Franklin, as always!

Lisa said...

to borrow from Ellen, "Loved it, loved it, loved it..."

This is the best way to start a Friday!

Thanks Franklin!

Janice said...

Oh ty so much for the Friday Morning laughter. Just gotta love that Dolores. Think how quiet your life would be with out her....

Anonymous said...

My partner and I often wonder the same thing, how DID Gaida get her own show? I suspect others have already nailed it..the combo of beauty, wealth and name.

she annoys the crap outta us, lol.

www.saharaknits.wordpress.com

Sandra said...

"don't read Franklin at work." "don't read Franklin at work." "don't read Franklin at work."
You'd think I'd learn by now... She says, trying to get her Tim Horton's coffee out of her keyboard...)

Kara said...

I swear, you just moved up to my top five people I would like to have dinner with!

Hilarious, and on a gloomy work morning, too!

Liz said...

Awesome!

Have a great weekend.

Lynne said...

HAHAHAHHAHAHA!!! in the immortal words of chris farley...
that.
was.
AWESOME!

Judy said...

I check this blog every day and today was the VERY BEST! When does the book come out?

sweetfigs said...

Shhwoo! That was a close one. Thanks for a good laugh & happy Friday, Franklin.

BTW, wonder no more, the answer to your first question is cleavage.

KnitNana said...

ROFLOL!
I can just "see" those photos of Dolores & Martha! Can't you?
(((hugs)))

Tomme said...

I must be having a blonde day. (Yes, I'm afraid that dyeing my hair red doesn't make me less of a blonde.) It took mea minute to figure out who "Matha" was!

Give Harry a Valium and have a nice weekend.

Yarngineer said...

Funny, I did not even think of this yesterday....but I remember when my nieces were visiting and they were exclaiming loudly how they wanted to do "craft" time. I shuddered. Not quite sure why. I guess because I consider everything to be artistic. Even things that are utilitarian and practical are beautiful to me.

Maybe I am just a wierdo. :P

Love your blog. It helps keep me sane here in SC.

Michele H. said...

OMG, what a classic! My only problem with your writing is that I'm the only knitter I know, and this is too good to keep to myself. Franklin, you're a treasurer!!

Jenny said...

Franklin my dear are you sure addi didn't have that in mind. Why on earth make a 20mm then???

Ewe-niss said...

Oh, Franklin!

Thank you. Thank you from the bottom of my cold dark heart. You are amazing. Dolores is a treasure.

:-)
hailing popsicle sticks...

Maryb said...

Thank goodness you are writing for us all. Thoroughly enjoyable, as always. Thanks for the quality writing, the quality fun. Thanks, thanks, thanks. I LOVE DOLORES! Mary

FiberQat said...

Good thing neither were winged with bullets shot from pastel colored hot glue guns.

Thanks for the great laugh!

no-blog-rachel said...

God DAMN you are funny. What's it like to be your very own entertainment center?

NeedleTart said...

Ok. I surrender. I can't even read the *comments* without laughing. And I have no voice. Do you know how hard it is to laugh with no voice???
Thanks

Anna-Liza said...

When I read "You insulted the crafters!"--that's the coffee-snorting moment. Good thing I know better than to actually drink coffee while reading your blog.

If my comment in any way helped inspire this, I'm glad. I would like to point out that I call myself a "crafter" for similar reasons that I call myself a "liberal" and a "feminist. And that's all I'll say about the artificial "art/craft" divide and the stereotypes it engenders.

At least for now.

StarSpry said...

That was hilarious; thank you!!

Kate R said...

wow! This really is the best knitting blog ever!
I feel like I have to comfort all of my ball-bandless sock yarn...

Tracy said...

Brilliant, utterly brilliant.

I wondered if there was going to be a backlash. Poor baby your nerves must be so jangled. Give yourself and Harry a squeeze from me.

Stephanie said...

Hilarious. Thanks for the morning laugh.

Anonymous said...

Oh Franklin, thank God for your wonderful sense of humor.
I agree with Jenn 100%
Will you write a book, please?

Anonymous said...

For future reference you may want to recite: God (Buddha?) grant me the serencity to accept the things (crafts and crafters) I cannot change. BTW, having teased us with mention of an incident in Ogunquit (I love saying Ogunquit out loud), you really should tell us about said incident.

I heart you and Delores (hugs)

Cathy said...

Delicious. Fabulous knitter, amazing photographer and artist, and writer now too? Some people have all the talent! Way to go Franklin. Loved this.

Gwen said...

A beautiful story. I looked back at the last post's comments, searching for vile words. But there weren't any. Guess they went for direct action.

Maureen in Fargo said...

Oh, Franklin, I Love You!

You picked Grand Forks to insult, too, how did you know?

I do agree, a book would be in order!!!

David said...

Genius. That's all I can say. Sheer comedic genius.

Susan R. said...

I was at work reading this and my co-workers had to come over and make sure I was laughing really hard and not crying! I think this is one of the best Dolores stories ever...

Mary Lynn said...

I will always remember the day when I explained to my Mom that there are some people that are "artsy/craftsy" and then there are those who are "artists." She was an artist and for most of her life her work revolved around a multitude of fibers. She could also fix a multitude of small appliances . . . but that is another gift!

LibbyKnitKins said...

That was hilarious! I'm loving Dolores for getting you out of that little scrape of yours!

Libby

AlisonH said...

Oh goodness. Just when I catch my breath again, in comes another punch line. Wow, that was good!

--Deb said...

Oh my, I needed that laugh!

5elementknitr said...

Holy shit, that was hysterical! What a great imagination you have!

April said...

Harry's back!

Yay. =)

Jean said...

I love you Franklin. It was LOL today at work. Now my associates all know what they have always suspected, I am out of my gourd, laughing raucously at my desk.

Dolores turns out to be a pretty good egg, all in all.

And I loved your teacher quotes. I shared with everyone I know who ever went to school.
Jean

Sharon J said...

I've often wondered what it would take to make a man just stand there, limp, with the phone in his hand. Funny...I never dreamed it would involve crafters.

Kristen said...

Oh, oh! {wheeze, choke, gasp} Frank-{wipe tears away}-lin! You are simply too hilarious. Thanks for the best kind of Friday evening ab workout!

Sue said...

Now you are going to have Giada's fans showing up on your doorstep! (Are there any Giada fans?)

Mel said...

You're killing me, man. That was the funniest thing I've read in....wow, I need to get a good laugh more often. Thanks, Franklin.

Cherice said...

Too funny!

And sadly (or not so sadly) I only have a vague notion of who that Giada person is (suppose I should subscribe to cable...and then actually watch tv!)

Beth said...

I often wonder the same thing about Giada - But Martha, she's my hero.

elan said...

You'd best be watching out for my extreme crafting friend blogless Rachel, she of the blow torch, metal & stained glass, I'll never understand a craft that makes you bleed but don't piss those girls off!

angie Cox said...

Dolores ..what a hero .I don't like the sound of you owing Martha though.

angie Cox said...

I see the regicide scarf is still on the needles ....I don't think King Charles was as keen to get a certain something "around" his neck. I guess you could work on a nice hangman's knot design next as dead or not so many regicides found themselves hanging . I hate ti interrupt this post but I have been so puzzled by the name ....a noce ink-fight design maybe?

Holly Bernice Cox said...

Mum she still has the negatives.

denny Mcmillan said...

pisst...... I also have my own set of "martha pictures"


enough said.

Jena the yarn harpy said...

wondering how in the hell Giada De Laurentis got a cooking show

Because, unlike most chefs, she knows how food tastes both going down AND coming back up!
(It also may have something to do with the pornographic noises she makes when tasting everything. And her ability to state the obvious. It certainly isn't her smile - those teeth truly unsettle me.)

Amber in Albuquerque said...

OMG! That was CLASSIC. Made my day. Considering I have a 1:15 (mountain time) appointment with the bastions of mediocrity (aka: my son's elementary school), I really needed a good laugh.

And then I read the comment about Giada's teeth and the pop tart came back out of MY mouth!

Still laughing (it's a good thing...smirk).

Knitting Granny said...

Just hafta say, not only are you a dandy knitter, you are an astonishingly good writer. Thanks for every word. And every stitch.

BigAlice said...

I thought there were 2 reasons Ms. Giada got a cooking show. And they're spelled B-O-O-B-S (plus a generous inclination to share them all with us)

la tienda erotica said...

Really helpful data, lots of thanks for your post.

shahadat hussain said...

I love you Franklin. It was LOL today at work.nice post it is.


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