Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Fuzzy Thinking

Hi. It's Dolores.

So, I was sitting around the other day having afternoon tea at the 'Shoe with my friend Gracie. (I know, it seems like an odd place for it, but the staff there is always quick with the teabags.)

I don't think I've mentioned Gracie before. Nice kid. We met in the fitting room at Victoria's Secret, when she diplomatically stepped between me and the saleswoman who wouldn't sell me a Miracle Bra because "the name of the garment is not to be taken literally, madam."

Bitch.

Anyhow, the least I could do for Gracie to make up for the hoof abrasions and the small bite on her left ear was buy her a drink. Over a couple of cosmos, she told me her story. And wouldn't you know, it's so similar to mine.

After they crowned her Miss Chickasaw County, she moved from Iowa to Chicago to parlay her good looks into a modeling career. So reminiscent of my own rise from a simple Vermont farm girl to the face and body of Woolrich back in the...whenever it was.

Gracie's getting a decent amount of work around town doing catalog shoots and the occasional television ad for this podiatrist who has the hots for her left foot. She really could be going places fast, except for one thing. She's dumb. As a brick. As a box of hair. As a parcel of Dubyas tied up with a Condoleeza bow.

Seems like every time we get together I have drag her perky tush out of yet another morass into which she has sailed with all flags flying. Man problems, weight problems, fine points of etiquette and wardrobe–some days, let me tell you, she's enough to give Sigmund Freud a migraine.

But I don't mind helping, because she's got a big heart to go with her big rack and she's always grateful. Like the other day, I'd helped her over a difficulty she was having with sentence structure in Cicero's speeches, and she looked over at me with those deep, brown eyes and said, Dolores, you're such a role model and inspiration. And I said, I know honey, I can't help it.

And then she said it was a shame that more people couldn't benefit from my several advanced degrees including the big-ass PhD I earned from the School of Life. And I said, honey you're so right for once.

Advice

So, in the spirit of noblesse oblige (which is French for "If you got it, flaunt it") I would like to open the floor to all those out there wandering in darkness. I got my own e-mail address and everything, it's dolores@franklinhabit.com. My faithful assistant Harry and I will consult to decide which letters I'll answer in here.

Just don't send me any naked pictures this time, got it? Not that I have an issue, but the Boss got all twitchy and shouty last time when I set them up as his screen saver.

Some people have no sense of humor.

28 comments:

Anna-Liza said...

Oh, what a brilliant idea! Not that I have any questions to submit, you know, but it's still brilliant.

Cortster said...

Oh, dear, Franklin. What have you done!?!

MonicaPDX said...

Ohhhh, lordy. What have have you let yourself in for? The back of my mind is already giggling and muttering about questions!

Totally wonderful idea, and you do realize that you've practically guaranteed you'll be writing a book. No matter how much kicking and screaming you do. I hear you have some acquaintance with this Harlot person who could probably put you in touch with someone--

Uh-oh. I think I just thought of a question for Dolores.

anneonymousone said...

If you didn't exist, Dolores, it would be necessary to invent you. Long may you wave, baby.

KellyD said...

Dear Dolores, I am so glad to finally have a chance to ask you all the questions of life I have needed answered. You will be hearing from me very soon. Glad Franklin has gotten you the email addy!

Rachel H said...

My dear, dear Dolores. You're really to good to us all. I don't know how you do it.

May I ask a favour, dearheart? Could you ask Franklin to check to see the email I sent him on the weekend didn't get whacked by his spam filter?

Kisses.

Rachel H

Mel said...

Well now, that should be interesting.

Sarah said...

Oh my. I'm starting to think that if the Harlot doesn't take over the world right quick, Dolores might beat her to it...

Cheesehead With Sticks said...

Oh - I can't wait for this!

Franklin - are you sure you can handle her? haha!

junior_goddess said...

Dear Delores-

Please take the duct tape off of Franklin's mouth before he gets twitchy.

canknitian said...

"...quick with the teabags." Heh.

(F - I know I shouldn't encourage her, but it's a great line. - j)

Flavaknits said...

Okay, so we have book one, and, with the email address public, books 2, 3, 4, 5 etcetera etcetera.
Can't wait... so excited!

Kathleen said...

"Dumb as a parcel of Dubyas tied up with a Condoleeza bow."

I must begin using this as a stock phrase in my vocabulary.

David said...

Oh, we are sailing into dark and uncharted waters, aren't we?

Janice said...

I am using the Dubya/Condi line. Its just way to good to not filter out into the public... Dolores is just the best writer ever.

Sharon J said...

An "Ask Dolores" column? I think I've died and gone to heaven!!!

dragon knitter said...

ok, dolores, darling, the 'Shoe looks like just your type of dive, i mean, high class place. i'm working on my question as we speak

Linda said...

Me, I'm loving Dolores, replete with ciggie hanging from her lips, bedecked with Ann Landers' image on her garment (or is that Abigail van Buren?). You've got a coruscating, shimmering TALENT for plot, character and turns of phrase, coupled with a rare, precious ability to ILLUSTRATE your points. Gawd.

Lissa said...

This is fun and funny in and of itself, but I'm giggling for a different reason - my character for a performing troupe of "singing prostitutes" is named Gracie. And she is a large breasted idiot woman child with a heart of gold.

Not that I am THIS Gracie - I'd never get between an angry sheep and her bitch of a target, oh no.

Anonymous said...

Ewe rock!

gail said...

scary!

Kristen said...

Oh. My. God. This made me fall off my chair laughing: "As a parcel of Dubyas tied up with a Condoleeza bow."

Grumpy said...

Hi Franklin

Just caught your podcast for Brenda Dean. So wonderful. Are your not persuaded to podcast as well as blog more often?

I am! said...

Ok, other than the fact that Dolores is an imaginary sheep, this would be like taking advice from my chainsmoking alcoholic neighbour who likes to go topless. In other words, a Bad Idea.

But, great for a laugh! Thanks Franklin, you've made my day again.

FiberQat said...

It's Dear Abby. I'll never forget that picture that graced the newspapers for twenty years.

Dolores, don't let Dan Savage know you're doing advice. He'll come spank your wooly hiney and steal your cha-cha dancers.

Larjmarj said...

I gave up on all of my burning questions a long time ago, I found comfort food and apathy go a long way. Great post, it made me smile.

Josa Craft said...

Thanks for the Iowa shout-out!

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