Thursday, March 01, 2007

Casting Call

You know it's not going to be a nice, quiet evening when you come home from work and find that somebody has posted this notice on your front door:

AUDITIONS
3:30-9 p.m.
Please have your headshot and resume ready.
Dancers please remove your shirts.

I took deep breath (which sounded more like an exasperated gurgle) and stepped into the foyer. Mrs Teitelbaum was there on a folding chair next to a card table, reading a copy of People magazine.

Her head jerked up as I closed the door. "Did you make an appointment?"

"No, Mrs Teitelbaum," I said. "What are–"

"Well, okay," she said. "You're kind of short but she did say she needs all kinds, so give me your photograph and take off your shirt and wait in the kitchen and maybe we can fit you in somehow."

"Mrs Teitelbaum," I said, "It's Franklin. Franklin."

She lifted her pince nez onto her nose and stared at me.

"Ohhhhh," she said. "It's you. She didn't think you'd be home so soon. I'm afraid she's not going to be very happy about this. We're right in the middle of things."

"Things?"

Suddenly from the living room I heard what sounded like an asthmatic Corgi singing "I Want Your Sex" with piano accompaniment.

"DOLORES!" I screamed.

The piano and the Corgi broke off in mid-phrase. Dolores huffed in, followed by Harry, who was carrying a notebook and a stack of 8x10 glossies.

"What are you doing home?" she said. "I thought you had a date."

"Not this month."

"Can you go get one? And not come back before, say, nine or ten?"

"What the hell is going on in here?"

"I am trying to conduct auditions, cupcake, in preparation for what will undoubtedly be the musical and terpsichorean sensation of the Boystown summer season."

"I don't even want to know."

"I have been engaged," said Dolores, "to present my song stylings at a venerable and beloved Chicago boite, and for this I require a top-notch supporting ensemble."

"Huh?"

"She got hired by the Lucky Horseshoe to sing three nights a week and introduce the coochie dancers," said Harry.

"What's a coochie?" said Mrs Teitelbaum. "Is that French for cookie?"

"Will you all please shut up?" said Dolores. "I am paying the pianist by the hour and we have talent stacked up in the kitchen waiting to be seen."

"And they already used up all the ice in the freezer trying to keep their nipples perky," said Harry. "So one of the guys was asking if he could crack open that box of frozen soy nuggets."

"I like chocolate chip coochies best," said Mrs Teitelbaum.

"Are we done? Should I put my pants back on now?" shouted the Corgi voice from the living room.

"Yes!" I yelled.

"No!" screamed Dolores. "I haven't seen you do the dance combination yet. Harry, let's roll."

The piano launched into the opening bars of Kylie Minogue's "Your Disco Needs You." Mrs Teitelbaum bobbed her head in time and snapped her fingers.

"Aren't you going to take your shirt off like the others?" she said vaguely.

"No."

"Oh, that's too bad. Say, when my shift is done would you like to come over to my apartment for a coochie?"

I think I'm going to start sleeping at the office.

casting-couch

40 comments:

AnnaMarie said...

O.M.G. My girls very much want to see *that* review. Taffy may be pregnant but she can still look. Aurora is a bit young yet for this kind of thing (but she can learn) and Agatha *seriously* needs this Corgi review on a totebag to put her sheeps in.

Love the concept!

AnnaMarie and her herd of Corgyn

hugs said...

I like coochie sandwhiches, with ice cream in the middle. You know the sort. All yummy and such.

Windsornot said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Windsornot said...

Poor Franklin. You definitely have your hands full at your house. If you were still Catholic (don't worry, I'm a recovering Catholic myself,), I'd be submitting your application towards sainthood, because it's a miracle that you handle Dolores and Harry's ..."adventures"... with such grace.

Thanks for always making my day with your well-written, refreshingly intelligent postings.
(re-posted to correct a grammatical error)

twig said...

*laugh* You are certifiably insane. Thanks for that.

Mel said...

Do you ever feel like a stranger in your own home?

Knitting Addict said...

You are more than welcome to send them this way, Franklin! I can use that kind of distraction right now with the things going on here!

And it sounds like you can use the break! ::ggg::

It would never be the same in NY, I can tell you that, and she will likely teach the Grey one a few new words as well!

But, I am sure Dolores would LOVE it here and get along famously!

Kristen said...

I think I'd like to live in your brain for awhile. It is a VERY interesting place!

Shan said...

My sister followed a link here from my blog, and she called me the other day to say "That Panopticon guy is hilarious....but what the hell is going on over there?"

KellyD said...

You crack me up! And yep I want tickets!

Debbie said...

Yikes!

junior_goddess said...

Shhh-the balls of sock yarn are warming up now!

"IIIIIII ain't got noboddddddy (nobody!)

Glad Mercury moved its ass.

mad angel said...

My Corgis want front row seats!

Cheryl :) said...

ya know I like chocolate chip coochies best myself -

Eldronius said...

Ah Franklin, you have triggered what I called my chronic laughing disorder where I start heaving in uncontrollable, silent laughter. Tears run down my red, almost bursting face, and I feel I shall implode from the magnitude of the muscle contractions.

If I ever come to Chicago, I hope I can run into you at some wool gathering or such. Cheers and Bobblecogs!

Sarah said...

I *heart* Dolores!

Puttermeister said...

Not only do I want tickets, but I want the collected volume of Dolores shorts (written, not knitted) when it's released.

Of course, if there were a free pair of knitted hotpants-with-purchase, I wouldn't say no.

anne marie in philly said...

oh sweet bejebus, this is the BEST one yet!

damn!

you are BACK and in action, sweetheart!

PS - you DO still knit, right....

Rachel H said...

Oh darling. Come to Toronto for a visit. Leave Dolores to her coochies.

Bev in TN said...

Sigh of relief here...just when I think you must have evicted Delores and the hairballs (ahem, yarn balls) because I haven't read any mention of them for days (many long, humorless days!), you come through for me (well I know it's not really for "moi"). Coochie coo to you!

to in sp said...

From what I remember of my last visit to the Yucky Horseshoe, a jaded old sheep and a corgi dancer would definitely improve the place.

Last night a good friend emailed me a pic of a real hottie. The guy in that pic would be the perfect addition to the act. It's his earrings that make him the right guy to be dancing with Dolores. I believe you know the pic of which I speak.

Becky Clark said...

It is sad to see a young ball of sock yarn led down the path of degredation this way. He'll end up knitted into a snatchel if he doesn't watch out.

no-blog-rachel said...

Damn. I was hoping we'd get to see a picture of your shirtless chest again.

Holly Bernice Cox said...

Doloresmy dear , may we book you for Cutting Sprout W.I ?

knitnzu said...

Those corgis, with their butts so close to the floor...well, they are just all such bad boys! The girls are naughty too, are they the ones with the ice cubes?

Brown Berry said...

Laughing right out loud at my laptop screen, and not ashamed to say so. You're an amazing talent Sir Habit.

Anne said...

Good lord, it was bad enough until I thought, my favorite are girl scout coo... OH NO!

I'll never be able to look at a box of thin mints the same way again.

Heather said...

"I like chocolate chip coochies the best."

You are a god among men, Franklin. When the hell do we get the book already?

rho said...

Poor little Harry - he is getting such an education ... and I just love his eyes in the picture a combination of horror and fascination...

Kate said...

In March last year you knitted the fabulous Regicide Scarf. I've been surfing and googling my fingertips numb trying to find the pattern for it and I was wondering if you would be able to post the pattern or direct me to the pattern copyright holder's contact details? Does it curl up much? Thanks, Kate.

becky c. said...

*News flash* Charlene Schurch has a new sock book! Went to Amazon to pre-order the Harlot's book and there it was. Added that baby to my shopping cart at light speed!

April said...

Oh Harry looks so cute sitting there on the couch, diligently taking notes. He's such a good ball of yarn.

I *heart* Harry.

Ted said...

What does a Corgi voice sound like?

Oh wait; I'll ask Dr. Mel.

Lorna said...

Look, if you can hold out until May, send Dolores over here: I need an after-dinner speaker for my retreat!

David said...

No illustrations of the dancers? Oh, and you can snap photos of yarn knitted into the shapes of isoceles triangles but wanna-be go-go boys are too beneath you? Hmph.

Shelly Kang said...

Dear Franklin,

I love your blog. I love Dolores and your cast of characters. On a whim, I took a little photo inspired by Dolores, Harry and the pack of sock yarn balls. It's on my blog at http://www.shellykang.com/Blog/2007/03/blankiesunday.html - hope that's okay and that you enjoy it a tiny bit.

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