Friday, December 15, 2006

A Star in the Family?

When I got home from work last night, Dolores was in the kitchen making snickerdoodles and having a heated conversation on the telephone.

"And don't you try to pull anything funny, you conniving bitch, because I will come after you. And where I pee, no grass grows. I want everything in writing by tomorrow. Now hang up and get to work."

"So, how is your dear mother?" I asked.

"Ha," said Dolores. "That was Harry's agent."


"Yeah," said Dolores. "We were leaving the Goodman after the Saturday matinée and this guy stopped us at the stage door and asked if Harry has representation. A couple of meetings, a few calls to New York, and boom–as of today he's signed on with Myrna Weinstock and Associates. Not too shabby. Turns out his type is very much in demand just now."

"He's a ball of sock yarn."

"No shit," said Dolores. "Yarn is hot. Don't you read Vogue any more? Next week we have two go-sees for print work, and Myrna is sounding out HGTV about adding a co-host slot to 'Knitty Gritty.' "

"I appeal to an unusually broad television demographic," said Harry proudly, helping himself to a still-warm cookie.

"Get away from those," said Dolores. "We can't have you sitting in a fashion director's office looking bulky."

"Aw, but..."

"You can have a couple of celery sticks."

Harry rolled dejectedly into the living room.

"You gotta suffer if you're gonna be famous, kid!" Dolores screamed after him. "I'm only doing this for your own good!"

"I never seem to know what's going on around here any more," I said.

"Have a snickerdoodle," said Dolores. "And we need to talk about headshots."

"He doesn't have a head," I said. "He's a ball of sock yarn."

"Yes, we've established that," said Dolores. "I need four poses, one full length, 8x10, black and white, fifty copies of each by Monday. Also, five full-color shots, five different looks, printed as a single sheet, fifty copies. With his name on all of them. Keep the font simple. I'm thinking Univers. Why aren't you writing this down? You know you'll never remember."

"Do you have any idea how much I have to do before Christmas? I am not setting up the studio to take headshots of a ball of yarn."

"Yes, you are."

"No, I'm not."

"Yes, you are."

"No, I'm not."

"Yes, you are."

"No, I'm not."

"Fine. By the way, I found the disc of 'art shots' that were taken of you last summer and was thinking how nice they would look printed up as a calendar for your mother."

Harry's Headshot

Yes, I am.


Anonymous said...

Too funny!

Dolores has you wrapped right around her hoof!

(Any chance of puttingthat calendar in your Cafe Press shop?)

Anonymous said...

Hahahahaha! Perhaps next year I should send out shots of stars from my yarn stash as my holiday card.

Lynn in Tucson said...

You're such a good sport!

(And I second Ann's suggestion).

Miss T said...

Hilarious, I love it!

Carol said...

Oh my. For a moment, before I saw the caption, I thought the B&W was one of your "art shots." I leave to the vivid imaginations of your devoted readers exactly what portion of your anatomy came to mind. (Although perhaps you would have had to do the wide-angle lens for that one.)

Kathleen said...

Carol, I am resolutely thinking 'knee'.

Chris said...

*giggle snort*

janel said...

I think Dolores is right, Harry's type is HOT HOT HOT these day! You gotta jump on this while you can. Maybe Harry could co-author a book and start a signing tour!

Sarah said...

Oh my...that is funny.

Melinda said...

Franklin, I have not been well this week and your posts have really made my day. Thanks for the healing good humor (maybe we can submit a bill to my insurance company?)

Siercia said...


Damn, that was amusing.

Such a pity that Dolores *isn't* real.

Donna said...

Hee. You have totally been waiting to use that, haven't you? Well, if "Harry Bollasockyarn" has a fan club, count me in! Happy Holidays to you, Dolores, and the sock yarn posse.

Aidan said...

You know those almost nakey calendars with strategically placed whatever covering your whoopsidaisy are all the rage. How about a "Men of Stitches in Britches" calendar?

rams said...

Obviously Harry's denying his roots. Don't tell me he's not related to Max Bialystock. Didn't you tell him about the dating opps?

Anonymous said...

Oh come now, Carol. We know Franklin has muscular calves, but they're not that bulgey.

Anonymous said...

Oh come now, Carol. We know Franklin has muscular calves, but they're not that bulgey. Well, not unless he's on some serious steroids.

TheAmpuT said...

Blackmail??! You need to nip this one in the bud, Franklin! Maybe you should suggest that a pair of Socks à la Harry will be your next knit. How's that for leverage?! Let’s watch Harry Bolldini get outa that one!

Anonymous said...

Well, not unless he's on some serious steroids. And come to think of it, he did seem to find this guy strangely appealing.

Anonymous said...

And come to think of it, he did seem to find this guy strangely appealing.

stupid, cantankerous Blogger comments

Anonymous said...

And come to think of it, he did seem to find this guy strangely appealing.

stupid, cantankerous Blogger comments

Eldronius said...

Ah, he is so cute, I just want so squish him!!

Lisa said...

What do you mean, Dolores isn't real!?! Say it isn't so!

jessie said...

For someone who learned to knit in prison, you are a hoot.

anneonymousone said...

Romeo whined about wanting to be a glove upon Juliet's hand, and Prince Charles wanted to be Camilla's (ahem, eupehmism to follow) feminine hygiene product.

Harry, if I were sensible sock yarn with an agent, I would live for the day when I could be a sock on the foot of any of these Bollywood Boys: Shah Rukh Khan, John Abraham, Amir Khan, Hrithik Roshan or Shahid Kapoor---in case you need advice.

Anonymous said...

We might be related . . . not you and me but Dolores and me. Sorry.

Darci said...

**giggle*** great now I have to go clean up the tea....

MonicaPDX said...

Snerk, snerk, snerk. Oh. Goddess. And I third the motion.

Y'know, when Dolores gets too much out of control - what am I saying? She's always been totally out of control! Anyway, you might want to think about how long it's been since she's been sheared. And possibly remind her. Or make an appointment for her chez whatever salon she's gracing with her custom. Specifying you get the locks, of course. Rambouillet, I believe it was? You can always use more fiber, can't you?

Harry Bollasockyarn, oh dear...

AJ said...

Harry's looking good in that shot! Though, I would like to have seen some of his other many and varied poses...

I'll look for him in a theatre near me soon!

Redford Phyl said...

And this is why I keep a spit-proof cover on my keyboard! (I'd like to see that calendar, too.)

Anonymous said...

Funny - Ballosockyarn sounds like something I say when I screw up...which isn't very often, but it happens!

audrey said...

you crack me up

Anonymous said...

Harry is round. And the camera adds ten pounds. How is it that he still looks more svelte than I?

Maybe I should lay off the snickerdoodles...

Marcy said...

Oh, my! Dolores has turned into one of those really scary stage mothers, hasn't she? I sure hope little Harry survives her attentions.

Huh. My verification code is elhblsit, which with one vowel change is an anagram for "bullshit." Coincidence? You decide.

La Cabeza Grande said...

You have such a rich, colorful inner life, Franklin. Kudos to Harry B.

Sean said...

That's a calendar I would buy!

DianeS said...

Well, at least it sounds like Harry is easy to work with. I might be willing to pop for a calendar, too.

Carrie said...

AHAAHAAA! Thank you so much for the morning laugh! That is an awesome way to start my day =)

Anonymous said...

I wanna see the 'art shots', Dolores! Care to set up a trade?

junior_goddess said...

Ah! Dolores gave Mama Rose stage mother lessons, didn't she?

I can't believe the rest of the contingent puts up with that star treatment/abuse! They aren't going too????

Judy Foldi said...

Oh, No fair! When does your book come out? You keep me in stitches...

Nikki said...

Aww Harry, you're just the man I've been looking for!
I have a skein of Vesper Sock Yarn who'd be PERFECT for you.

Bev in TN said...

Phewww! Thanks, I needed me a Delores fix :-) Got the seasonal blues big time.

Linda in Maine said...

You are too funny -- you'll send up anything, won't you! I count on you to give me a laugh.

Debbie said...

Ah, Franklin, haven't you learned it does not pay to argue with Dolores by now.

anne marie in philly said...

At this festive time of year,
I wish you lots of holiday cheer!
(with apologies to Bugs Bunny)

A faithful blog reader

Elemmaciltur said...

*LOL* I want some Harry Prints, too!

Carson said...

If only there was some way to really capture a genuine, spontaneous giggle of hilarity by typing, but I don't think there is so I'll leave it at that.
By the way...what the hell is a snickerdoodle?

KellyD said...

Squeeeeeeeeee!!! OMG that is so funny!! And after the last two days of work at the hospital.. well it was well timed.
Oh! May I place an order for an "art shots" calender when Dolores publishes???

Anonymous said...

Franklin, may I remind you that there is NOTHING of yours your mother has not seen? Except for, maybe, that tatoo?? Dolores makes me laugh even though her blackmail attempts are outrageously trite.

I'll keep an eye out for Harry at a theater near me.

Leeny said...

Heh. I love Dolores and Harry. :)

David said...

Well, now I know what I want for Hanukah. Can you make it a 16-month calendar? I like it when you have the extra months as buffer. said...

This will not have effect in reality, that is what I believe.

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