Thursday, June 29, 2006

Impending Canuck



I am excited today. Atwitter, in fact. Tweet.

Ted, the one and only Ted, he of The Princess Diaries and Knitterguy, is coming to visit. The sheep have been outdoing themselves making the humble abode presentable and yesterday I heard the band practicing "If I Knew You Were Comin' I'd Have Baked a Cake" (Dolores has a harmonica solo).

Somehow, though, until last night we all overlooked a detail of paramount importance.

Ted is Canadian.

We have relatively little in-person experience of Canadians at my house. It's one thing to make contact through the blogs, and they sure seem like nice people, but it's another to actually host one. I'm not certain we're properly prepared. Among my worries:
  • Should I crank up the air conditioning to "Severe Wind Chill" so he'll feel at home?
  • Will I have to say everything to him twice, once in English and once in French?
  • Do Canadians have special dietary needs? Or can I just feed him normal food?
  • Will he expect to play hockey every morning before breakfast?
  • Would it be unwise to mention Celine Dion in a negative light? Am I capable of mentioning Celine Dion in any other light?
  • On a related note, are Canadians still touchy about the ultimate failure of Bryan Adams to achieve staying power on the pop charts?
  • Do I still have that Mountie uniform in the back of the closet?
  • Should I have taken the time to finally figure out what the hell "curling" is?
  • If I giggle every time he says "about" will he get upset?
I'm not anticipating trouble, but one hears so many stories about the Canadian tendency to attack at the slightest provocation, and one wishes to avoid an international incident.

Dolores says we'll be okay as long as he doesn't smell our fear. Wish us luck, eh?

57 comments:

Jacquie said...

All I know is Canadian bacon is not bacon.

All the Way With Knitting said...

I think those sheepies are so cute .I can say one thing from blogs etc there is more talent just packed into Novia Scotia than any similar place when it comes to knitters.It's starting to sound like a bizarre incident in "The West-Wing" I havn't figured out 'cos mostly I hear it as I type and Holly is watching it.

Zooks said...

Franklin, have you considered viewing Strange Brew and Canadian Bacon as primers in Candian culture and Candian/US relations? ;-)

FiberQat said...

I think if you wax poetic about his lacework, you'll be fine. In fact, you'll be fine all around. Two refined fiber guys supping on tea, spinning merino, and chatting on the merits of bamboo versus metal needles.

ted said...

No severe wind chill required: 24 degrees celsius will be quite fine, with night-time down to 19 degrees celsius. Thank you.

If you speak to me in English rather than American, that will be fine. Of course, if you speak Canadian, that will be amazing.

Could we curl in the morning rather than hockey?

Who's Celine Dion?

Who's Bryan Adams?

Are you going to wear the Mountie uniform? (yum....)

Curling: think "snooker on ice".

I won't be offended if you laugh at "about" as long as you're not offended if I laugh about "bubbler" vs "water fountain"; "soda" vs "pop" vs "sodie pop"; "house" vs "haus"; "roof" vs "ruff"; "tree roots" vs "tree rutts"; and few others I've noticed.

See you later tonight. I'm off to do laundry.

j. said...

Did you remember to muck out the moose stable and lay down fresh hay?

... you do have a moose stable, don't you?

Carol said...

I think you need to watch the South Park movie before he arrives.
Lucky you - do the Vulcan mind meld with Ted and suck up all his knitting knowledge....

Kirst said...

The care and feeding of the Common Canadian Knitter is pretty straightforward. I'm sure you and the sheep will do swimmingly.

My friend and I are travelling from Toronto to Boston tomorrow, and will be bearing gifts of Canadiana, including chocolate, snack cakes, ice wine, and bag milk. If nothing else, we'll all be well fed.

Have fun with your Canadian!

Steph said...

Being a Canadian from Nova Scotia, I just want to know who "All The Way Knitting" is talking about. I'm presuming it's Lucy Neatby, The Fleece Artist and perhaps,Ilga Leja. ('cause it sure as hell isn't me if she's talking about knitting or blogging. My blog has been comandeered by a knitted monster named Henry!)

Is Ted from Nova Scotia? *wide-eyed with excitement and adding Ted to bloglines*

I really don't think we say ABOOT. I've never said aboot in my life. If I was getting ready to go out into 15 feet of snow (yeah, we get that much) and was missing an article of footwear and someone asked, "what'cha lookin' for?" well, then, and only then, would I say, "A boot."

As far as I'm concerned, you guys can keep Celine. I really don't think we want her back.

meg said...

If you need music to go with dinner, the Fool and I can loan you an assortment of Canadian folk albums from Nova Scotia and Montreal, including some really, erm, rustic-sounding fiddlers.

Lee Ann said...

I'm so with you on Celine. Unfortunately, I live in Celine country. They play her in the grocery store. It rather puts me off my food...

And what's all this palaver about Canadians being touchy? Canadians are in fact known for being so un-touchy that they apologise for not being touchy enough.

You're one lucky guy to have Ted coming to see you, Franklin...the spinning knowledge alone...ouache...

(Ooops. Ouache = Yowsa. You're welcome.)

pacalaga said...

I think you're safest to never, ever mention Celine Dion in any context whatsoever.
(Wow, all the romantic thoughts from my teenagerhood are set to the Bryan Adams music. Serious flashbacks, not pretty.)
You might have to find him some squeaky cheese and gravy, although I think that's just going a bit far in your host duties.

Jason said...

I can't wait to see what Dolores will do to Ted. hehehe

David said...

The real question is do you still have that Canadian Mountie in the back of the closet.

Julie said...

You have a bottle of Screech, right? Canucks need to drink lots of Screech. It acts like antifreeze. You do have it? Right?

JoVE said...

1) it is only cold in the winter here. IN the summer it is hot. Very hot. and humid. (i.e. only crank the air conditioning if you think he is the kind of guy to cope with hot that way)
2) for jacquie, Canadian bacon is bacon -- back bacon
3) I think the rules about hockey and stuff are different for gay canadians (especially knitting gay canadians); ditto for beer
4) Canada is a really cool place. you should visit sometime

All the Way With Knitting said...

Steph..I was named Angie ( no Christening) and all I can tell you is I did a Google search and
Canadian knitters who were genius
seemed to come disproportionately
from Novia-Scotia..heck I was thinking of moving to this paradise but maybe not.I must sign off with a name in future no gal wants her name shortened to "All the Way " .

ted said...

Well David,I dunno about the Mountie in the closet, but I won't be at all surprised if there's a Mountie uniform there. (He says hopefully...)

jodi said...

Absolutely the best way to endear yourself to a Canadian is to NOT mention Celine Dion at all, and especially not in a positive light. There's a reason we shipped her off to Vegas, and good riddance to bad rubbish if you ask me.

We really don't say aboot. But neither do we say "abaaay-oht", which is how it's said by most of the Americans who think it's so funny to say "aboot! aboot! say aboot!" to us.

As long as the Mountie uniform is tight leather I'm sure you'll be fine, and he'll be too preoccupied to notice that you don't know how to curl.

Christina said...

Please don't forget the beer and lots of fresh salad.

Jason said...

I KNOW! I KNOW! :: with hand raised ::
To make him feel at home, put some fiber in the freezer!

Sandra said...

Slam Celine all you want. It's a national sport up here.
Curling. Ah, curling, says she whose moniker is curlerchik.... Franklin, sweetie, if you come up here, I'll teach you and Dolores how to curl. The game may never be the same.
As far as the Red Serge and Stetson of the Mountie - that look makes us ALL swoon!

Mel said...

Um, you totally forgot Corey Hart in there.

Fyberduck said...

Remember not to burst into a choral line of "Blame Canada" as well ;)

Cheryl said...

What???!!! Canadian Bacon isn't Bacon??WTF is it then???

The sheep are A D O R A B L E!

Send pictures of you in the mountie outfit please!!

Joe said...

Tell him he HAS to bring Kraft Extra Creamy Peanut Butter.

They might not let him out of the country with it.

Joanne said...

You can keep Celine Dion. If you want to seem really knowledgeable about Canada, throw out the names of Stompin' Tom Connors and Don Cherry! Ask him if he prefers coffee from Starbucks or Tim Horton's. As for being touchy... quite the opposite. If you were to poke him in the eye, he's probably apologize. I know what I'm talking about. Enjoy your multi-cultural visit! Joanne, The Canuck in Colorado

Anne said...

I also request pictures of you in the mountie uniform. That picture of you from your trip was... uh... nevermind. *blush*

Kit said...

Franklin, all you need to know is the Canadian citizenship test. Translate this statement:

"Please pass me a serviette, I've spilled my poutine on the chesterfield."

Oh, and buy the poor lad some real beer - that American stuff is like shagging in a canoe - f'in close to water!

Vivienne said...

Celine Dion is Swiss anyway - or at least she competed for Switzerland in the Eurovision Song Contest some years ago.

Mandy said...

It's always an education to hear what Americans think of Canadians. Many of my close friends are Americans who have moved up here, and they're always so vague... ;)

Teresa said...

As a Canadian who has spent a long time in the US, let me answer a few questions.
You can bash Celine Dion all you want, that is why she has become the "American sweetheart" we don't want her.
Dietary needs: Maple syrup (it makes everything taste good - I have an entire cookbook devoted to it. Good cheddar cheese difficult to find on the east coast, being closer to Wisconsin you should probably be able to find some. What ever you do don't feed him American Bacon. Back bacon and Canadian bacon are not the same. I can find back bacon in Canada and never found it in the US only Canadian bacon.

To the Canadians who don't think we have an accent - we do. I didn't think we did. Now I here it in my brothers voice. One day it was just a shock.

One more thing to pass the citizenship test that Kit mentioned pronounce this word: lieutenant

Ann said...

Ted, nah, your average American doesn't know snooker either. Being part Italian, I usually explain curling as bocce on ice. And I can actually tell you where to curl in Chicago, except they've melted down for the summer.

You could bring Franklin a copy of "Men with Brooms" to help clear these things up.

suburbaknit said...

Don't forget...July 1 is Canada Day. Try and get a two four at your local depanneur.

suburbaknit said...

Sorry, originally from Quebec. Should have added an Eh? to that last comment.

I miss Canada so badly these days, sometimes it hurts.


Arizonan for 10 months, now.

Stephanie said...

You know, we really need to straighten this "Canadian Bacon" thing out. It was a very funny movie, but remains ironic that the food "Canadian bacon" isn't available in Canada and isn't eaten by Canadians at all.
We eat (as Teresa noted) Back Bacon.
It's nothing like Canadian Bacon. (Which, I may have mentioned, is not Canadian at all.)

Get him a butter tart. Apologize alot, don't mention Celine Dion (try not to dwell on William Shatner either) and for the love of all things holy, try to spell properly and find the man a decent local microbrew.

If all else fails, sing "Un Canadien Errant" (A Wandering Canadian) and bring up Stephen Harper in conversation if you need to get him talking. You'll do fine.

Norah said...

And the letter "z" is pronounced "zed", as I learned from my Canadian landlord one day when she was spelling something for me.

All the Way With Knitting said...

Ah Norah "Zed"..poor Holly got shouted at for pronouncing it "Zee" after too many years of Sesame St. This was at her "lovely" school who might have at least enquired if we'd lived in The U.S or something .

Yvonne said...

Is he from Montreal? If so, I have one word:

Poutine.

I have never had a more heart-attack-inducing, artery-clogging, gloppy, delicious mess in my life.

nadine said...

A vote from Montreal:
I'd go with the Mountie uniform.

mmmmm.

and by the way, not all people in montreal eat Poutine. (Lee Ann will verify this).

lucia said...

I assume you won't serve maple syrup from Vermont? Make sure it's from Canada; I'm sure Canadians can tell.

Marilyn said...

You must learn the words to "What Would Brian Boitano Do?"

After that, you should be quite fine.

Give Ted a big hug and kiss for me and tell him it's killing me that I'm not hanging out with you two. I am depending upon you to persuade him to get his ass to Rhinebeck.

At least he'd be a new Canadian there. Plenty of old ones. We need fresh Canuck blood.

Charity said...

One more thing: don't be taken aback if he takes off his shoes at the door. And if you want some fun, count the "eh"s and give Ted the tally at the end. We really don't realize how ofter we say it. :-)

AuntyNin said...

And for heaven's sake do not call him a "Newfie" - he's likely to be insulted whether he is or isn't from Newfoundland.

Ask me how I learned this lesson...

Maureen said...

Today, in Canada, 2 male Mounties are marrying each other, in uniform. http://www.theglobeandmail.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20060630.wmounties30/BNStory/National/home
More Mounties in uniform will be at the service. And they don't really see what all the fuss is about.
One more reason I love this country.
Come visit - I can't wait for "Dolores Does Canada".

Maureen said...

Sorry, that link for the marrying Mounties is http://tinyurl.com/lply5

Ben said...

hmmmm...entertaining visiting Canadians in Chicago? I suppose that's all well & fine.

Apparently 'someone' overlooked that this weekend is the ARGRA rodeo.

I was sort of expecting someone to be in the neighbourhood (Canadian spelling) photographing the event (i.e. men in Wranglers, hats and boots) for posterity.

Ben

GTR said...

And don't forget to wish him a Happy Canada Day on the 1st. Go Canada! (from a northern MN neighbor)...

Michelene said...

Do a quick read of "So You Want to be a Canadian". I'm partial to Leinenkugel's beer from Wisconsin.
You could fling yourself at his feet and thank the country for Wayne Gretzky(or is he consisdered an ex-pat now).
And how can you have anything but respect for a man that not only commanded two starships while boffing alien babes; but also played an all-American cop; an all-American evil lawyer; a carnivorous wildebeest, and a possum; and sings both Elton John and Beatles songs.

Jennie said...

Celine Dion walks into the bar.

The bartender says, "Why the long face, Celine?"

Damn, that makes me laugh every time.

And Poutine? I'm drooling.

Linda said...

Just keep Dolores hooves to herself, and all will be well, I think.

Norskybear said...

Wish I had time to prime you on all things Canadian. Loved reading the comments and remembering all the things I used to do before I moved down here.

Ask him to bring you some Nanaimo bars from Timmies. If you don't like them, you can always pass them on to me, eh?

Monte says to make sure you have a sacrificial goat for Canada Day.

PuppyMomma said...

Why do I have this feeling that Delores is going to be the one ending up wearing the Mountie uniform? Or at least parts of it?

Wannietta said...

Maybe having some Koigu laying around would make up for any faux pas. Sort of like, "Oops, did I do/say that? Here, have some Koigu!"

dragon knitter said...

ooooooo mountie uniform. need i say more?

I need orange said...

From reading the Harlot, I think you better make sure you have enough beer.

Beyond that, I don't know....

-- Vicki in MIchigan

Togel Bola Online said...

Thanks, I have recently been searching for information approximately this subject for a while and yours is the greatest I have found out till now. However, what about the bottom line? Are you positive concerning the source?