Friday, May 12, 2006

Together Wherever We Go

I got home late last night to find Dolores in the living room. Her open suitcase was in the middle of the floor, surrounded by a litter of knitting needles, purses, hats, dresses, and a set of maribou-trimmed unmentionables from which I quickly averted my eyes.

"Are you leaving?" I said, trying not to sound too excited.

"Just planning ahead," she said, shifting a couple balls of Rowan felted tweed inside the suitcase. "I need to make sure I can fit everything in here and still have room for a couple bottles of something bubbly. How much stuff are you planning on bringing?"

"What?"

"To camp. How much stuff are you planning on bringing to camp?"

"Dolores, I'm putting a stop this right now. You're not coming with me."

"I beg your pardon?"

"Me, I am going to knitting camp. You are staying here. Or taking a vacation of your own. Or sleeping under the bar at the Lucky Horseshoe, if you want to. But you are not, I repeat, not coming to camp with me. Don't take it personally. It's just that they have limited space, and I'm pretty sure I'm not allowed to bring guests."

Dolores blinked, then pulled an envelope out of her purse and handed it to me. I saw a Wisconsin postmark and felt the blood drain out of my face.

"Read it."

There was a handwritten note in the envelope.
Dolores honey,

We were all wondering where you've been all this time. Of course you should come up for camp this year. Don't worry about the expense–as far as we're concerned you're family.

And sure, we'll see about finding room for the fellow you're living with...Fred Something? His application is here somewhere. He sounds harmless enough. Nice handwriting. And I'm sure you're exaggerating, I can't imagine you living with anybody who "missed his calling as a librarian at the cloistered monastery of St. Rigid."

Anyhow, gotta run but all the gals say hi and they still remember that trick you did with the cherry tomatoes from the salad.

Hugz,
Meg

After Dolores helped me up off the floor and brought me a glass of water, I sat on the sofa and fanned myself with the Halcyon Yarns catalog.

"I figured you'd be excited," she said. "Oh, and I took care of our ride, too. Martha and Susan from Ohio called to say I can ride with them, and it turns out they also have a seat for you if you don't bring too big a bag. I had to promise them you're not the sort who needs to stop for a pee every thirty miles. Think you can you handle that?"

I'm beginning to question my ability to handle anything.

46 comments:

marie in florida said...

isn't it nice to have friends who have friends?
i'm off to find that monastery now.

Nancy J said...

so glad y'all found a ride -- this is the first year that we're not traveling through the windy city to get to wisc (my 2nd yr camp and hubby has family near marshfield). i was feeling guilty yesterday. will be very pleased to meet yuinz (just a little wpa dialect there!)

David said...

I say her get her drunk one night and shear her. Bitch.

FiberQat said...

Muwhahahahahahahahahaaa!

Oh. Sorry. I'm supposed to be sympathetic. Bring your iPod loaded with your loudest arias and have a catheter installed.

Daphne said...

very funny. love it.

Ellen said...

It might still turn out better than your previous camp experience. Maybe you could avoid her once you're there? Good luck!

Rachel H said...

Franklin, honeybear, poppet; Dolores knows everyone, has done every(one)thing, and has chosen you to be the recipient of her vast array of knowledge and contacts, and a philosophy that seems to be doing wonders for Mollywobbles. Take a deep breath (although maybe not too close to her depending on where she's been recently) and practice gratitude. You'll feel better. Go with it, baby. Just Be.

(hm. just read that. maybe I shouldn't comment while on percocet...)

Kathleen said...

And now I will not stop giggling for the rest of the day.

Carol said...

I feel very confident -- without any evidence, mind you -- that Meg Swanson never signs her correspondence "Hugz."

mary e said...

Well,... at least i don't have to take a vacation day to drive you up there. I was starting to worry! Have fun! (as much as you possibly could with our girl going with you!)

Jean said...

Dear Franklin,

I think I'll go for a plain "Dolores" on my polo shirt -- the "meet Dolores" one. Not an easy decision. I am terribly, terribly grateful and will watch the shop every day and order at ONCE.

Love, Jean

All the Way With Knitting said...

Oh I am lost for words .....and thinking that maybe the cherry tomatoes I just bought will stay in the fridge.Oh as for the journey take an empty jar ..easy for men hoping the girls will avert their eyes but I doubt it.You really are going to have to work on forging a Solicitor's letter about that Great-aunt's fortune and her imminent demise.

HPNY Knits said...

I knew you could not get way with it!!
make the most of it-

Kathy said...

I think the number of applications from people who suddenly decided they NEEDED to attend knitting camp just flooded the Marshfield post office. Not that knowing Delores was going to be there had anything to do with it, no, of course not.

ted said...

I laughed aloud with this one. Everyone in the office wanted to know why.

How does one explain Delores to concrete-sequential people?

Susan said...

Dolores:

Delighted to hear you're making the trip, too. One of our group is licensed to practice law in the state, so, carpe diem, dollface. Just one little reminder, though--every dollar spent on legal fees and bail is a dollar less for booze, boys and balls (of yarn, I mean--stop that snickering immediately. I was going for alliteration, for pity's sake.)

I think Martha has a CD player in her car, so unfortunately, we can't listen to my copy of Austen's Persuasion on cassette. I imagine you're heartbroken to hear this. Please ask Franklin to bring along some good travelling music.

Cat said...

Hysterical

Dave Daniels said...

Aw, poor Fred, er, Franklin. Upstaged by that maribou-wearing hussy again??? The shear horror of it all.

connie said...

Franklin, Last year at STMW we had a very incidental chat on the way to class -that long cold walkway- at the time I didn't know I was speaking to a celebrity, sorry. This year, I want to know the details of Meg's camp. So forewarned, when one of the *old enough to be my mother* women accosts you. Be kind to Dolores - *persons* of our demeanor are oh so special..

pacalaga said...

Dude, sorry, but you had to have known it would happen.
AND LMFAO @ David's comment. I like him lots.

Cheryl said...

Fred honey-- ask Dolores what she does with peanut butter --it will amaze you!!!

Valerie said...

Franklin, did you have an imaginary playmate as a child? If not...I think you have one now in Delores.

Enjoy, it only lasts awhile. (I know this because my imaginary playmate was Deborah....but it's been awhile.)

Abby said...

I wonder why they called it St. Rigid. Could be it would have been a lot of fun to be the librarian there.

Anna-Liza said...

I stand by my previous suggestion to drug her into oblivion ... but now, I'd have to agree with David. Shear the bitch while you're at it.

Taphophile said...

*sniff* This librarian is taking herself off to recatalogue stash in the Ewey Decimial System and ponder again why her profession is so misunderstood and the subject of outdated and unflattering stereotypes. Now shhhhhhhh.

Anonymous said...

Franklin, darling, you are too much.

Lisa said...

Oh Franklin, I am sorry. Try to keep a cheery outlook and have a good time.

Carrie K said...

Poor Franklin. She's outflanks you at every turn.

Monica said...

I think she forged that note from Meg. I just don't see Meg as one to say "Hugz". Maybe you can ditch her at one of your pit stops.

DianeS said...

Well, at least she got you a ride to Camp.

Cheer up, she seems to find something to amuse herself so you may not see much of her until the ride home.

AngeliasKnitting said...

LOL! You're killin' me with the Dolores stories!

Enjoy the knitting camp - it sounds like heaven!

Anonymous said...

Sherri said...

If I can't go to Stitches, at least Dolores can. ;-) Yours will be the only blog to have *all* the skinny on camp, Franklin!

Maureen said...

Oh boy, Knitting Camp is really going to be one hell of a good time this year...not just Franklin but Delores too...I can't wait.

Susan and Martha, we know lots about them from the blog but you'd better warn them about us.

All the Way With Knitting said...

Imaginary friends ?...I'm sure Franklin doesn't yet imagine Dolores in his real life but just you wait..our house is now visited by Holly's weird cartoon friends Mrs Mooney and Mrs Nito who seem to have become part of the fabric.They are great for cheering up a moody teenager who has a crisis over a spot .I use Mrs Nito ( the ultimate in simple ..bit like Bluebottle in The Goons) all the time ..she always grins.When I feel down I think of Mrs Mooney ( very like Patsy in Ab.Fab and rather a touch of Dolores ). We must have had them for at least four years and even Jeff can pull Mrs Nito's faces ..think Alaistar Sims as the headmistress in St. Trinians.

Andi said...

Have fun at camp! I can't wait to hear more about Dolores' adventures!

I dreamt last night that I was moving to Frondell, which I thought was near Chicago, and I was excited because I'd get to meet you in person! But, alas, in Dreamland, Frondell is about 20 miles from where I currently live. NOT near Chicago. Bummer.

Lynne said...

A classic. Hope Dolores enjoys camp, remind her knitting needles (sometimes) can't fly.

Riin said...

LOL! I'm with the others -- I think the note was forged. Still, it's probably better to have her where you can keep an eye on her than to leave her to do who knows what kind of damage to your apartment. She is a manipulative thing though, isn't she?

Isela: Purling Sprite said...

hehehehehe, this is hilarious!!! Enjoy the trip...as Dolores guest, hehehehe.

CatBookMom said...

You *may* come out ahead in terms of camp, with Dolores' special access. Who knows? That's assuming, of course, that Dolores can't write or get someone in Wisconsin to mail a letter for her. Which is possible.

But Franklin, you've got to talk to a publisher - a book about you and Dolores would be as funny as any of David Sidaris'!!

Jacquie said...

Thank you for your comment on my blog - you made my day!

Now if only Dolores would post one for me, then I would really know i was in with the in-crowd!

Hope you manage to enjoy the trip!

Kate said...

I think you should introduce Dolores to "Pete The Sheep" (unless she's met him already!) A very polite, very stylish character.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/061856862X/102-6950434-7636168?v=glance&n=283155

Have fun at camp.

Pixiepurls said...

mmm good taste! Love felted tweed!

Leslie said...

I just KNEW Dolores would find a way! From my readings of EZ, Dolores would fit right in: a feisty, opinionated, individualistic person of wool. Thanks for making my day.

Linda said...

That sheep is a master of upstaging people, plus completely without remorse, I note.

Debbie said...

Oh Lord, you are in for trouble. Should we sent bail money for Dolores?

Anonymous said...

Personally I'd rather have Doris at camp instead of leaving her on her own at home. Can you imagine the parties? Events? Police raids? Aligations and denials? Having to be interviewed by Greta Van Susteren of Fox News?