Thursday, May 18, 2006

Le Gigolo malgre lui

After a bit of pondering I've realized that what Cheryl wrote (and about four dozen of you echoed, thanks so much) is essentially true. My nominal title for the upcoming tour is "host," but what I really am is a man-whore.

Quite an epiphany to experience over one's morning oatmeal.

Mind you, though I may be dancing with the passengers, all of said dancing will be vertical. The only time I've ever been propositioned by a traveler on one of these tours, the suggestion came from one of the husbands. (And no, I didn't.)

On the whole, I think I make a most unlikely man-whore. I guess I can handle it for two weeks, but I'd never pursue it as a way of life.

Problem number one: I'm short. I think about the only sexual kink you can't find through Google (not that I've looked) is a fetish for men of low physical stature. We have our admirers, of course, but they aren't numerous enough to constitute a viable consumer base. I would have to be a niche market tottie, and I doubt a sensible business plan could rest upon that premise.

I also don't spend enough time in the gym. To be a proper studmuffin-for-hire, I'd have to do something about my abdominal muscles. Try as I might, I've never achieved real definition down there. Although at one point I was able to muster a strongly-worded recommendation with ample supporting documents.

And there's the question of flexibility. I am the Little Engine Who Can't unless I'm genuinely interested. I've known two "men of pleasure" and both were able to make the magic happen with whoever was paying the bill (male or female). One of them said he'd trained himself to snap into action at the sound of money changing hands. I wonder if that ever caused problems at the grocery store?

I am quite certain that when confronted with more esoteric requests I would be far too inclined to scream, "You want me to what?" thereby spoiling the ambience.

And logisitics. How does one deal with the logistics?

If I decided to do only out-calls, I'd need to get a car or at least enough cash to pay for taxi fares all over the city. It would not be sexy or good for trade to have to call a client and explain that I'd be over to play Where's Waldo just as soon as the number 36 bus showed up.

Working from home, on the other hand, would mean keeping the living room free of the snowdrift of sketch books, knitting supplies, reading material, and boots that never seems to melt away completely. And there would be laundry. Piles of it. One would need, I expect, rather more than the usual supply of linens, and the cost of having them monogrammed would be prohibitive.

I'm tired just thinking about it all. It sort of gives you a new appreciation for Fanny Hill, doesn't it? Such a demanding career and she still had time to write a book. I'm lucky if I can get the dishes done after a busy day at the office.

That's all for now. Back to packing. I'm trying to decide whether to take the leopard-print Speedo or the lycra trunks with the peekaboo pouch.

66 comments:

Ben said...

go for the speedos.

FiberQat said...

I'm glad I wasn't drinking anything when I read the paragraph about the guy who snapped into action at the snap of money. Good thing he didn't have a day job as a bank teller.

It all sounds absolutely marvelous. Need an assistant? Dolores will be too busy.

pacalaga said...

Um, hello?
Take both.

Flossie said...

Franklin, I'm having a killer day at uni (four weeks left of my BArch) and you've just put a smile on my face. Believe me when I say, that today, that is a real achievement :o) Thank you.

Paul said...

pacalaga is right: take both! You never know....

Jon said...

I'll buy.

Helen said...

My aunt is six fet tall and has always preferred short men. After all, she says, you don't want someone the same as yourself, do you? Do I understand from what you say that this doesn't work for man-on-man relationships?

Anne said...

Oh man, now my face hurts... thank goodness I didn't have anything to choke on.

I agree, take both.

Joe said...

I think when it comes right down to it, all of us are whores at some level. Some duties just make it look more like our sexual counterparts.

I also don't find it objectionable to whore myself as long as I can maintain my own personal integrity.

As for bathing suits, the speedo is always a classic, but the pouch one accentuates both front and behind extremely well. Fortunately, neither takes up enough packing space to worry about taking both.

Norskybear said...

In New York City, we have a bar night for every fetish. In fact, the bar night for vertically-challenged people was featured in the last issue of OUT magazine. I've been to Runt only once (as I know the organizer peripherally from my music contacts) and it was an entertaining evening. Personally, I notice men who are either under 5'6" or over 6'4"; of course, it helps if they are over 50 as well...

Q: Why do they have Marines on Navy boats?

A: Sheep would be too obvious.

All the Way With Knitting said...

That was really very funny Franklin...the thought of bringing clients home to a mess.It's a fact that I'll never get propostioned by the metre man ( even if he was desperate) as we'd never find the flat space ..obvoius I have a bed but as soon as Jeff leaves for work it fills with ironing etc.Holly loves short men b.t.w not your type or age but what's on the inside is far more important.

Pamela said...

Oh, Franklin, that is your funniest post ever.

Lisa said...

You crack me up.

Isela: Purling Sprite said...

I think you forgot that Dolores would be home...so home is definitely out, unless you really want a loud audience giving you advice, hahahahah.

Take both!! You may need the peakaboo pouch at one point.

Susanne said...

You are tooooooo much! You must start giving "splutter alerts" in the title of your post...pleeease?
Otherwise, my new screen will never last :)

Rachel H said...

Franklin, my dear, methinks you've put way too much thought into this topic...

Andy said...

My rule of thumb is one bathing suit for each day, plus two extra...how I long for the days of steamer trunks!

obxparrot said...

You are focusing too much on the negatives on this issue. What you need is a coach to give you the proper encouragemet. And who better than a life coach . . DELORES! I'm sure she wouldn't steer you wrong . . yeah, trust her .. hahaha.

We still want the pics and stories. Then we will get the " . . . now for the rest of the story" from Delores.

Sherry W said...

I wonder if the 'cash guy' goes to the ATM machine when he's feeling lonely... Ca-ching!

ted said...

I have a suspicion that if you were seeing clients in your home, you'd want to have a room/space set aside 'specially for that purpose. Wouldn't matter what services you were offering.

I think every massage therapist I know -- and I'm not talking about sex trade workers, I mean licenced bodyworkers -- who works out of their home has a room set up for their office. You want a separation of work and living space, or you go crazy unless you can manage your space and the energies *really* well. And it's been my experience that most clients don't really want to see much of your life hanging around.

Come to think of it, the sex trade workers I know have workspaces separate from their living space, as well.

mimi said...

oh the joys that are reading the panopticon!

my shitty thursday just turned into a hilarious thursday. complete with visions of dolores and franklin dancing in swimwear.

Liz said...

Oh, thank you. First good laugh of the day and it's 7pm here. You're a lifesaver.

Speaking of which, take both pairs.

Nelly O said...

Hypothetically, how much would you charge? Could you be persuaded if someone brought you a rare and fabulous skein of yarn or just the right orafice? (damn! my boss just looked over my shoulder!)

I just read a story about a hazing incident at Northwestern U involving the mens swimming team. There were not details in the story. Could it possibly have involved a sheep? Perhaps one named Dolores?

Windsornot said...

Leave it to Cheryl to think of the "man-ho" angle. ;-) (You know I love you, Cheryl!). I'd bring both swimwear items as you don't know what's acceptable, and each item should be compact enough to bring in a suitcase.

Mel said...

Well, the speedos would, of course, be très européen (God, how I love being home on my Mac). I'm trying to picture the trunks, though. Will there be side trips to Mykonos or Sitges?

Don't be so sure about there being too few people with short fetishes. For every possible fetish, you can bet that somewhere there's a club for it. That said, I find there's something singularly unattractive about anyone who would reduce me (or anyone else, for that matter) to a single trait.

Mel said...

Case in point:

http://www.luvshortdudes.com/

Rebecca P. said...

I agree with Ben- leopard print speedos can't be beat!

David said...

I imagine you have an hourly rate chart set up, yes?

Cheryl said...

Oh honey...I know many many women who would line up for you if you weren't of a different "persuasion", short of stature or not.

But I know just what you mean -- My engine doesn't work if the key isn't cranked either.

Be sure to make a nice travelogue for us all to see.

AngeliasKnitting said...

The trip sounds exciting. Take lots of pictures so that we can "join" you on your trip.

I say take both . :-)

Elaine said...

1. sounds more like a Geisha than a man-ho. Geisha is a very honorable profession you know. :)
2. Darlin' there are some real 'advantages' to a short statured man...rrrrrow!
3. Take both...take all...always. ;)

Liz said...

I think it sounds like a blast. And take both.

I can only imagine the comments from Dolores if you took up tricking at home. Talk about performance anxiety!

Beth said...

By all means, take both.

And you just haven't found your trigger yet. I bet if someone started flogging you with a skein of merino you'd perk right up.

Celtic Knitter said...

I think small men are totally hot! Portable . . . can rest drinks on their heads . . . or your arm . . .
No, but seriously . . . little men are cute . . . trust me, I married one. :)

Joy said...

Franklin, I think it's time for a change of careers. Did you see the recent article about "gentleman hosts" on cruise ships? (the link is below) These are men who are hired by the cruise companies simply to keep the old ladies company.

Of course, the article was bemoaning the fact that they are becoming scarcer, but it still may be the ideal profession for you. I mean, there may not be many job openings, but how many of the other applicants are knitters?





http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2006/05/11/DDG9EIORKK1.DTL&type=travel

Ben said...

i've changed my mind...skip the speedos and lycra.

I think leather britches and a litre or two of olive oil are more appropos.

http://www.turkishwrestling.com/

Adele said...

The advantage of working from home would be that, if anything was requested that you couldn't or wouldn't do, Dolores would be there to help out. The only issue is whether the clients could afford her.

If Chicago traffic is anything like that in inner-city Sydney (Aust.) a bus or train may be faster than driving. With the current cost of petrol, insurance, registration and depreciation and the lack of parking, you'd probably be better off catching cabs everywhere.

Leslie said...

With Dolores at the house, you would have a built in "madam" to manage all the details of "working at home." It could prove quite advantageous, Franklin, in that she could provide both physical and emotional security for you. Sigh.... too bad she's only a figment of our collective imaginations.

Take both, wear both (seperately of course!).

Riin said...

You are hilarious.

Jay said...

Okay, a few points to help you in your new career:
1. height is not an issue when you are clinging to a horizontal cliff-face with your ice-pick
2. every stomach looks flatter when you let gravity do the work and lie flat on your back ("why go all the way to London make you can make a fortune lying flat on your back, my dear?!" - with apologies to Blackadder)
3. Outcalls can be billed with transport on top (so to speak), while in-calls can include a blindfold for that extra kink factor.
4. Invest in a good pair of wooden clothes pegs
5. You are yarn whore first and foremost... if you need a little 'pick-me-up' lie back and think of merino!
6. You have a live-in pimp... put that foul-mouthed ewe to work for you delivering flyers, pasting photos in phone booths, and screening calls.

Rebecca P. said...

I just came across this on the web:

http://www.contemporaryinsanity.org/audio/rmog/Bud%20Light%20-%20Real%20Men%20of%20Genius%20-%20Mr.%20Tiny%20Thong%20Bikini%20Wearer.mp3

and it made me think of your post today. Not that I think that it describes you in any way whatsoever, but it could quite possibly be an excellent description of some of your charges.

Anonymous said...

Speedo. And I have to say, that even if you bat from the other side of the plate (so to speak) you
probably are a better escort for a social function than most of the ones I've managed to take to family weddings. You can probably waltz. Or hell, even electric slide.

Enjay said...

For in-house entertaining, one would have to keep the area tidy, but I hardly think the guests would be there to judge the decor. There are many advantages in using a residence for entertaining, including tax breaks and not having far to fall when one wears out. However, my recommendation would be to suss out a small studio, after all would you really want the guests to know where you lived? As for mobile entertaining, tell the guest that the fee will be X and they are expected to pay transportation costs. When the taxi arrives at the destination, simply double the amount you paid, including tip, to add to the bill.
Personally, I don't see you as a prostitute. I think a Gentleman Host fits you better

All the Way With Knitting said...

Dolores would make a terrible madam ..she'd over-book all her workers just for that new handbag or pair of shoes.They'd all be worn-out before their time then it would be the work-house ( very Dickens).

violetsrose said...

You would be the PERFECT man-whore for female clients - perfect etiquette and manners, good to talk to, and you'd enjoy shopping trips - what more could a girl want??

Mary Peed said...

So I was kinda giggling while doing dishes last night about your post yesterday. My husband says "What's so funny." I say "I read this blog by this gay guy in Chicago who lives with an imaginary sheep and is going on a greek cruise." My husband looked ... uh... unconvinced... so I started trying to explain Dolores... it just got worse from there. He's still... unconvinced... mostly about my sanity, I think.

All the Way With Knitting said...

Mary ..the only weird thing being an imaginary Sheep ( depending on your view of Greece) maybe you could play on it by suddenly having an imaginary cat .Who knows it might get him to take you on a cruise thinking you have major stress.

Joanne said...

I've got a stitch in my side from laughing.

Take the peek-a-boo pouch ... a little mystery goes a long way!

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