Friday, April 07, 2006

Stupid Yarn Tricks

Yeah, I know. But you can't hit it out of the ballpark every time, okay?

Let's Answer Some Reader Questions

Jax: I just have to hear your opinion on one of the most important aesthetic questions in the art of cowboy watching: Wranglers or Levis?
Depends on the ass being covered. "Wrangler butt" is traditionally one of the great attractions of any rodeo. However, I find that on the wrong derrière (mine, for example) the effect can be flattening rather than flattering. So you'll almost always find me in Levis. However, if you're actually riding, Wranglers are softer. A full day in the saddle in Levis can wear the skin off your legs.
Ellen in Conn: How does one discern the sexual orientation of any particular cow-person?
If it's a hot cowboy, the best way is to go to bed with him. Failing that, participation in a gay rodeo (which is where all my rodeo photos are taken) is a generally reliable (though not infallible) indicator.
Cheryl: Maybe this is just a bi-cowboy.
Hey, whatever gets you through the night, babe.
Daisy: A friend is contemplating raising sheep and I mentioned the miniature sheep you had rhapsodized about on your blog. We can't find that post now. Did I hallucinate that entry? Was it just a dream?
No. The entry (with link) is here. On the larger question of hallucination versus reality, my roommate is an imaginary talking sheep who wears bifocals, so maybe you better ask somebody else.
Taphophile (regarding the Knit Knaked design): And the fourth needle is where?
Don't hassle me with your sick fantasies.
dhi: Could you please confess to the group something that you DON'T do well? Paper-quilling? Balancing the checkbook? Folding laundry?
Actually, you picked out exactly three things at which I am dreadful. Thanks for pouring salt into open wounds. And in public, no less. What did I ever do to you?
Stephen Fry: I have tried so hard to resist, but I've fallen madly in love with you. Please leave your nasty job on the bitterly cold plains of America and come live with me in my cottage in Derbyshire where I will bake homemade scones and be your love slave. I will send Jake Gyllenhaal to C's apartment in order to ease the transition. Please, my darling scrumptious boy, will you be mine forever and ever?
Yeah, fine, whatever. Just stop whining. I hate it when they whine.


pacalaga said...

I thought you could tell a gay cowboy by the lavender fringe on the chaps.
And now, off to google paper-quilling.
(Regarding the checkbook - someday it may happen. I would like to announce to all and sundry that I have balanced my checkbook for, count 'em, THREE months in a row. And I was only overdrawn once.)

martian77 said...

I hate to break it to you, but Stephen Fry lives in Norfolk. More turnip farms than sheep farms... :-)

MOG said...

Never balanced a checkbook in 35 years. Just never add the change and always round up on deductions. Makes a handy savings account and I've never bounced a check. For the record, I'll take him even with the whining, at this stage who cares? Umm, scones.

Lisa said...

I don't know Frankin, I think the cartoon is hilarious.

Is there such thing as gay rodeo?

Kat said...

The fact that Stephen Fry is gay distresses me to no end, since I want him for myself. You two are perfect together though, so I will sigh and move on to continue my search for The Man while wishing you every happiness.

Maybe I could break up Hugh Laurie's marriage.... Nah.

Buzz said...

Things Franklin is not good at:

1) driving
2) dealing with any technology more complex than a flashlight
3) rollerskating
4) suffering fools gladly

Im sure Frankin may ban me for this one, but I could not resist.

Frankin does not own a drivers license, even though at one point he did own a car.

While he works in some very high tech enviornments, his patience with things like software, computers, VCR/DVDs and cellphones is notoriously low. This is why he owns a Mac.

When we were both last on skates, at a party thrown by his then-boss, we both pretty much spent the evening sitting on the wall watching people fall down. (F, do you still have that picture of the guy in the bunny suit?)

The last one may not be entirely true...he has put up with me for 5 years...however, the doorman is another story...


Jon said...

You can't fold laundry OR balance your checkbook? LOL That's ad.

I haven't balanced my checkbook in years. I just check my balance online every day. Isn't that easier?

With regard to the gay cowboys, another give away is the way they talk. If you have to do a double take because you thought you heard Judy Garland coming out of his butch-looking mouth, chances are he's a poof.

Stariel said...

I like the Singles Bar. (OK, so maybe I'm a spinning geek...)

Ragnar said...

My checkbook is currently balanced on top of a pile of overdraft notices and past due's a precarious balance but so far it's only slid off once.

Andy said...

Franklin: I think you're just about perfect! xoxox So there!

john said...

So when is the "single's bar" going to be on a tshirt....cuz I'll buy one. (for everyone I know)....clever boy, you are Franklin

Rana said...

*still laughing about the singles bar*

(I started before the picture had even finished loading. Perhaps I am giddy from overexposure to fleece today.)

omigod. The "verification word" is almost an actual word: "nbiopsy." o.O

Jacquie said...

What? Dolores is imaginary?

Riin said...

I don't fold laundry. I hang everything except underwear and socks, which go into drawers, but they go in flat. There's really no need to fold them, is there?

I balance my checkbook and don't give up till it balances to the penny (OCD), but usually it balances on the first go round. When it doesn't, I wish I didn't have OCD, because I cannot give up until it DOES balance to the PENNY.

No idea what paper-quilling even is.

Do you really not have a driver's license? I have even more admiration and respect for you than I already did. I haven't driven a car since October 27, 2002, when I vowed never to drive again. It was a very bad day. I renewed my license since then though just because it was easier to renew it than to explain to the state that I wanted a state ID instead and raise a fuss and try to deal with people who didn't even have a process for people who just didn't want to drive anymore. Stupid cars.

Ellen in Conn said...

"hot cowboy" . . . what, like sweaty and damp and with an aroma of horse-poop and sawdust? Pine sawdust? Sounds like my kind of man unless he actually is gay. So I'll just have a beer with him and enjoy the company. Thanks, Franklin, for the imaginary ride. Best wishes.

Holly @Home said...

I hate to indulge as a straight 16 year old girl but don't all jeans chaff? I hate the darned things with a vengance .Mum worries that I don't go casual often enough so tried to get me to wear some ..yuck! It must take years to soften the darned things up .I have silk trousers like those big baggy things worn at Cannes whenever .Next time I visit "Uncle" Tony I shall be peering at his D.V.D shelf for "Brokeback Mountain" .I know he went to see it but had no feedback yet ..not a lot of rodeos here ! As for Mr. Fry you can come here but England needs him ...eeeerrr I like your balls Franklin ...the woolly ones !

Evil Susan said...

Again, Franklin, you have almost made my morning coffee go up my nose... I shall drive to work with a smile on my face. My residents thank you.

Molly said...

Ah, paper quilling! Of the truly useless crafts (ie those used solely for decoration, like cross stitch), quilling is by far my favorite. I gave a speech on it in eighth grade, because we had to "teach something." Of course, I don't actually quill anymore (because, hello, useless) but I remember it fondly.

Jamie said...

Dear F, I read your blog everytime you post and I love it. Today your comic and your commentary made me realize just how much I do indeed love it. I hope someday you publish a little comic book about "living with dolores" because you guys are so funny. you use just the right words to describe your "experiences." Best wishes with all things. And never stop posting!

Christina said...

Franklin: I think I love you.

FiberQat said...

Check book? What check book?

If you move in with Stephen Fry, how are you going to explain Dolores? Certainly you can't leave your personal assistant behind. She wouldn't stand for it.

Holly@home, well-broken jeans don't chafe. Either that or your skin's mighty tender. Gimme a nice butt in a well-fitted pair of jeans anytime...rrrrrROOWWLllll...

Holly @Home said...

I think it's my afro butt that helps cause the chaffing.....let's just say it is a regular Jennifer Lopez ( more in "Selena") and they don't fit ladies like they should the fashion is also to have the waistband so low certain things pop out and I do not know how they sit down .Dad wears them (regular type I must add)and never grimaces so I guess they are more a man thing .

Jacquie said...

Stephen Fry and Hugh Laurie together in "Jeeves and Wooster" were the best. It could not have been cast more perfectly. The series was made a long time ago now, but I could watch it over and over. I have a bit of a thing for Hugh Laurie as House at the moment - even though they have made him American.

spininmamma3 said...

Franklin- I think you're spinning is coming along so well! It looks great. I too found that having spindled some make the wheel easier to learn on, but also found that once I went back to the spindle I could spin on it so much better! So don't give up on the spindle just yet, use it when you only have a few minutes wherever.
Don't feel bad about the few things you think you can't do- my list is much longer!
I love the singles bar cartoon- it made me smile all day- of course I was also at my local fiber arts center spinning all day, but that was a good one!
Thanks for all the smiles!

Jean said...

Franklin, I don't think Stephen Fry is good enough for you. I would like to introduce you to Matthew Parris, once I have made his acquaintance myself. He's much better-looking and fitter than Fry, at least equally sensitive and intelligent, and queer as they come.

Love Jean

Jean said...

Matthew P. used to own an alpaca, too, maybe he still has one. So he won't mind Dolores, and will have a pasture for her.


Holly @Home said...

No, No, No Franklin Matthew Parris is a ...ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.. Conservative ..honestly tell me you'd never even consider it .They are pretending to be a "new modern party" but it is still chockers with racists and homophobes. You'll be safe with Stephen.

Jocele said...

From a girl who grew up on a ranch and around rodeo, I'd have to say Wranglers are my personal fave. I've enjoyed your rodeo pics. A lot like rodeos I've been to, and yet (somehow) quite different too. Thanks.

Linda said...

You're a very funny man, Franklin.

Lucia said...

As always, I think your fantasies are way better than mine, Franklin. That's why I have actual cats to entertain me. (The purpose of the husband and kids is not to entertain me, but to drive me around the bend.)

dhi said...

Dearest Franklin,
What have you ever done to me? Why, nothing intentional to be sure. Excepting the facts that you live too far away, are too beautiful a soul to put up with the shit in your live that you must, and, oh yes, that pesky sexual persuasion thingy, you've done nothing injurious to my person. Nothing at all!


(Where's Dolores? I could use a dram of her single malt.)

Mhairi said...

Franklin - am just catching up with your blog - and is as funny as ever!
Did you read Stephen Frys book, Moab is my Washpot (don't ask, I haven't worked out the title yet either!). Never mind baking scones, he has MANY other talents (especially with credit cards!)
Holly@home - I'm with you there on the jeans . If they don't have lycra,they chafe!

Knitting Painter Woman said...

Suggestion: A sprocket of spinning wheels.

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