Friday, April 14, 2006

Enough Already

Hi. It's Dolores. His Majesty is lying on the sofa with a cold compress on his head and said it's his deathbed wish that I announce the winner of the latest Celebrity Smackdown. Oh, the honor. If only I'd had time to get my hair set. Hold my drink, will you, so I can open the envelope? Thanks.



In our little re-enactment of the sex contest between Empress Messalina and the prostitute Scylla–now that's in such good taste–here's how the numbers, ahem, stacked up:
Thel (Scylla): 255 men (60%)
Cathy (Messalina): 169 men (40%)
The winner gets this commemorative loving cup–ha, real cute–and a gift certificate for a complete gynecological examination.

Thel couldn't give us a statement because she had to run home and dye Easter eggs with the kids. Run? I'm surprised she can walk.

All Cathy could say was "WAAAAAAAAH." So what else is new?

Now, if you'll excuse me, the little patient wants cinnamon toast and I gotta go buy some Febreze. Trust me, you don't want to see what 424 lust-crazed men can do to an oriental rug.

18 comments:

Cheryl said...

you could do a whole Panopticon celebrity smackdown book! ....

Holly @Home said...

Poor Franklin..hope he feels well soon .Tell him he can't die as quite a bit of light he brings into my life would be snuffed out ..sniff.Dolores any chance you could do The Oscars next year? We love Jon Stewart but you'd be wonderful .Happy Spring celebrations ..I'm sure it must be time for you to acquire several new neices and nephews..at least you don't have to knit for them !

Cynthia said...

I have been reading your blog for months, but only today got around to reading the 100 things about you--I love you even more now!

As a kid, I wanted to be the girl from Escape to Witch Mtn. and I wanted to be Queen Victoria. I played alone as well.

I never got to see Donna Summer--and now, for the first time, I am glad. I love her and can continue to do so.

I too am a product of a high school that I will never return to. I never felt anything but fear and boredom (except in Trig--which I loved. Latin wasn't offered).

pacalaga said...

feel better, Franklin dahling.

Nelly Olsen said...

On the contrary, I WOULD like to see what 424 lust-crazed men could do on an oriental rug. I have an extra that could be used to find out.

Paul said...

Too, too, too clever! Thanks for the laughs, and best wishes for a speedy recovery.

Lisa said...

Finally, I picked a winnig something!

David said...

424 sex-crazed men? No wonder Franklin is on the sofa with a compress, I just wonder which head it's cooling off. I don't believe for a minute that Thel and Cathy were the only ones soiling the oriental.

goblinbox said...

*bwahahahahahahahh hahahahahaa!!!*

Rachel H said...

Franklin, darling, you know I adore you. But I'm starting to worry you may have been indulging in too many of Dolores' um, 'special candies'...

Leslie said...

Dear Dolores: Please convey to Franklin my sincere wishes for his return to good health. He's extremely fortunate to have happened upon such an extraordinary personal assistant.

p.s. You can slip the $20 into the US mail.... :)

FiberQat said...

I knew it! All of those bedtime stories and pretending to like something paid off! Way to go Thel!

(take care, Franklin--meditate on the wheel going round and round....)

Aileen said...

Hey Franklin,
I was just thinking how I need to be recording and remembering ever project I knit, which is getting harder to do the more that I knit. I was wondering if you had thought of putting one of your designs in the Panopticon shop on a journal. I think it'd be a great idea!

Rabbitch said...

If I could have 424 lust-crazed women ... or maybe 400 lust-crazed women, and 24 men, just for a little variety because really, singing all one note wearies me after a while ... then yes, yes indeed I would be willing to see what it would do to an oriental carpet.

Get better soon, Franklin!

Cheryl said...

I hope you are feeling better today Franklin!

Brie said...

Feel better.

Hilarious post as always. Thanks for the smile.

sahara said...

You are as hilarious as ever! It's such a good break from "this is what I'm knitting today," on a lot of other blogs.

Feel better sweetie!

Sean said...

Honey, I hope you're feeling better...what's attacking you? Pollen? Ever try a Netti Pot?