Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Dolores Regrets

Dolores has something she would like to say. If she knows what's good for her.

Go ahead, Dolores.



Good people of Canada, especially the knitters,

It has come to my attention that some of you Canucks were a little miffed when I rudely expressed annoyance at your recent gift of a large mass of arctic air.

Please forgive my thoughtless words. I am truly quite fond of your country, having made several memorable visits to the Shaw Festival, Banff, and
Le Petit Coochie Coochie Bar des Danseurs Nus in Montréal. (Hey, Guillaume!)

My host informs me that Canadians have been extremely good to him, and that if he has to choose between you and me, I'll be getting my mail delivered to the knothole in the oak tree across the street. You don't have to tell me twice.

So, I apologize. I realize that an arctic air mass is fair trade, considering that in recent years we've given you Britney Spears and
Herbie, Fully Loaded. (I'm not going to bring up Anne Murray. I'm not I'm not I'm not.) I'm very sorry for what I said.

I know I should probably say this all over in French, but the only French expressions I know are "Où est le lavabo des dames?" and "Plus forte."

Okay, how was that? Am I done?

No. Go on. Do it.

Fine. And a one, and a two–

O Canada!
Our home and native land!
True patriot love in all thy sons command.

With glowing hearts we see thee rise,
The True North strong and free!

From far and wide,
O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.

God keep our land glorious and free!
O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.

O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.
Am I done now?

Yes. That was very nice.

It would have been better on my harmonica.

I'm not giving you the harmonica back until you apologize to Mrs. Teitelbaum in 1503 for what you did to her cat.

Jesus, I need a cigarette.

42 comments:

nadine said...

all is forgiven...
and Bonjour from the land of "Le Petit Coochie Coochie Bar des Danseurs Nus in Montréal" !

pacalaga said...

ah, dolores, we love you, even at your worst.

Carol said...

How does Dolores feel about the French?

Justement disant.

Norskybear said...

As a lapsed Canadian, I especially enjoyed this post. During the Olympics, I spent all my time explaining curling to the unwashed masses at work...

"Plus forte." Couldn't stop laughing. Best line yet.

O Canada! Terre de nos aieux.

marcia in austin said...

Oh! the Shaw Fest. Wistful, wishful memories.

Donna said...

Ah, so Delores is afraid of something after all. I didn't think there was anything that could make her apologize so elegantly.

Judith in Ottawa said...

Dolores, the Agriculture Museum here in Ottawa is having a sheep-shearing festival on the weekend of May 20. Wanna come up and take a load off?

JoVE said...

Apology accepted. I think I see a Canada Day special t-shirt.... (July 1, if you need to know).

Steph said...

Thank you Dolores. I think you're a smart cookie to make nice to us Canucks...

Somehow, though, I imagined the song "Miss Otis Regrets" playing in the background as I read.

Tom said...

If you're name dropping cheesetastic singers from the Great White North, Mr. Lightfoot and Ms. Murray are a good start.

That said, I think no such list is truly complete without Bryan Adams and Celine (La Chanteuse Quebecoise Anorexique).

longboat gal said...

All I had to see was the first line to start laughing! Oh.My.God. Franklin, you continue to inspire and amaze me...MMMMYYYYYAAAHHHH!
Pam

Anne said...

Hehe, I wonder how people would react to a t-shirt with 'Le Petit Coochie Coochie Bar des Danseurs Nus, Montreal' on it?

Coleen said...

thanks for the giggle. you never cease to entertain!

Katherine Of It All said...

Almost makes me wish I were Canadian. Almost. Actually, I do wish I were Canadian. There. I've admitted it.

All the Way With Knitting said...

Glad you did that Dolores ,I might be a Brit. but looking at The Canadian Knitters Guild I was knocked out at the knits .If I ever had to live anywhere else it would be there .I have to mail Lucy Neatby about making a pattern available later .angie .

Rabbitch said...

Dolores, I love you. You're my kinda gal.

Another useful phrase is "donnez lui l'addition". Don't ask how I know this.

John said...

I've got Noel Coward singing "his excellency regrets" wandering around my brain this morning, thanks to you, Dolores....

Please pass on our thanks to Franklin for a much-needed smile this morning.

Caroline said...

Sigh. . .I wish I were a literary agent so I could start pressuring you to publish a book.

Guido from Boston said...

Great apology...
Franklin & Dolores, you are the best. Sadly I do not speak french, so I can only assume the jokes are a riot. Oy...

Guess I have to wait for Dolores to insult the Chileans before I get some spanish jokes... Perhaps llama jokes to boot...

Gracias para todo..:)

Marilyn said...

Who can forget these fine Canadians: the late Peter Jennings, Mike Myers, Martin Short (completely mental, I must say).

Somehow I know that Dolores's favorite SNL skit was "Synchronized Swimming" with Christopher Guest and the aforementioned Martin Short.

Carol said...

Great idea, Anne, but how about 'Le Petit Coochie Coochie Bar des Danseurs Nus, Montreal Alumna'?

BTW, Franklin, that commenting Tom is Mr. Silver Organza.

Sandra said...

Dolores,
you are welcome to visit us here in Canada any time. I'll even teach you to curl - or at least you can come and watch - the bar overlooks the ice, and it's customary for the winners to buy the first round, then the loser reciprocate, and so on, and so on... You'd love it.

Susanne said...

you MUST write a book, c'mon, you and Dolores? You would be a great team..
You continue to be my morning "laugh out loud"..in fact I read it several times so I can have a laugh...too much..
Susanne a proud Canadian standing along side Dolores..

Nelly O said...

As a Minnesotan, I've often had thoughts similar to Dolores' regarding Canadians and the weather. Forecasters often refer to "Canadian cold fronts," "cold air masses from Canada," and "Alberta clippers." Cananda never gets credit for warm fronts or any kind of pleasant weather that comes our way. Now it's making me think . . . maybe there's an anti-Canada conspiracy afoot in the meteorological community. Or maybe I've had too much coffee this morning and need get back to work.

Thanks for the smiles, Franklin and Ms. D.

elisabetha said...

This Canadian forgives you, Dolores. Canadians can't stay very mad at somebody who declares love for Gordon Lightfoot. And I'm sure you have one more French phrase in your limited vocabulary: "voulez-vous couchez avec moi? ce soir?"

AuntyNin said...

Bless you both, I needed a good chuckle this morning. The person who suggested a book has the right idea!

Paul said...

hehehehehehe.....

All the Way With Knitting said...

Sandra I fear Dolores will just bring her fleece-rollers and the ice will be chipped for her gin.She's probably looking at pictures of long-haired sheep breeds and hoping you'll at least add extensions.

Ted said...

Congrats to Lars for promoting curling!! I always think of it as snooker on ice.

I wish someone could explain golf to me. Its appeal has me totally mystified.

Kathy Merrick said...

Oh, Dolores, surely Franklin has mentioned his fondness and awe for another Canadian musician, the dark, swarthy, dwarflike accordian-wielding
Benoit Bourque?
Surely he should've been prominently included in your admirable Canadian motif?

meg said...

Benoit Bourque? Les Deux Sock Knitters adore Benoit Bourque!(even though our French is permanently stalled at the high school level.) Does Dolores need to borrow a CD or two?

Kathy Merrick said...

Okay, Franklin.
Your lovely tasteful kindly friends
who took you out on a spinning jaunt admire BB.
It's time for you to admit he's an extremely talented musician (look, he plays the BONES)and a very handsome man.
Not to mention a highly graceful giguer.
And completely charming.

David said...

"plus forte"

You slay me.

Josiane in Montréal said...

Apology accepted... but I must admit that when Canada is threatened, I guess I don't feel concerned as much as I could/should. Maybe the fact that I had to look up in Wikipedia to find out who Gordon Lightfoot was explains a bit as to why...

While I was laughing so hard reading your apology, my friend pointed me to a Canadian apology that has been offered to Americans a few years ago. I thought I'd share it with you, Dolores; the effort you've made is at least worth some form of reciprocity: http://www.colinmochrie.com/work/22min_Apology.html

And well, maybe I'm not very knowledgeable in English Canadian culture, but I'm doing much better on the French side. So when the book is written, I'd be more than happy to do the French translation! Oh, and please tell Franklin that *I am* a literary agent up here...

Celtic Knitter said...

Ah, merci. . . . and thanks for the cool drawing! You should come up and visit us here . . . in our igloos . . .LOL

Lee Ann said...

I SO dare you to move to Montréal. Although I'd have to teach Dolores to swear in proper Québec French.

Pas de problème ;-)

Ted said...

LeeAnn, I was thinking that Franklin should visit Montreal. I think he'd really enjoy the place.

I thought yesterday that it would be nice for me to visit, since I haven't been there since '86. Go to the Fairmont Bagel Factory, Patisserie Belge (sp? the Florentines are wonderful), Biddles; take in a pipe organ recital at Redpath Hall. Buy some alpaca...

How great would that be?

Karen said...

Dolores, cherie, perhaps you can threaten to cut off Franklin's fleece supplies until he publishes in hard copy. En francais, naturellement!

Sneaksleep said...

I think I just peed myself a teeny bit.

Joanne M said...

Another canadian forgives you... that Dolores is a cutie, with her latin motto and penchant for Mr. Lightfoot. Here's another helpful french phrase: "Maintenant. Ici."

Lynne said...

So perfect, I laughed out loud. April 30 and it was -10C or 14° F this morning, yesterday ground was all white and I saw 8 long legged rats (deer) in my yard.

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