Welcome to Panopticon Sportscenter!
We're here to announce the victor in this week's Celebrity Smackdown: Gertrude Stein vs. Dorothy Parker in 3000m speed skating.
Gertude Stein: 58% (257 votes)We interviewed the competitors in the locker room.
Dorothy Parker: 42% (184 votes)
Stein: "We were standing and she was talking and I was not listening, and then we were skating and not talking she was talking and skating, and I was skating and not talking. She was talking and skating then not skating and talking and I was not listening. Skating and talking is talking is not skating. Skating is skating. She was skating not skating and talking and drinking not skating. She was talking and drinking not skating and I was skating. I was skating and not listening and skating and not drinking and I was winning. And then I was mopping the rink with her skinny New York ass."
Parker: "When ice is not covered by scotch, I am deeply uninterested."