Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Approaching the Final Turn

Can I make a confession to you? (Like you have nothing else better to do with your day.)

I've been working on my Knitting Olympics thing, but I haven't been watching the Olympics. Not even the littlest bit. I'm sorry. I'm just not a spectator sports guy. Not even the Olympics. Not even when it's men's diving in the summer games, and you have possibility of Speedo slippage.

I cast on right on schedule, but not while watching the opening ceremonies. I've never been able to enjoy those either, except possibly for camp value. To me, the opening and closing ceremonies are what Broadway shows would be like if they found a way to ban homosexuals from working in theater. Not that Broadway is looking too good these days, come to think of it. (Guys...what's up with that?)

That said, I've rounded the third corner of the Orenberg sample shawl, and it looks like (to borrow an expression from Rabbitch,* who has a way with words) boiled ass.



Mind you, I'm not worried about that. I've learned enough to know that unblocked lace has all the aesthetic appeal of a used Brillo pad.

Jon asked about the yarn. It's Nature Spun sock yarn, which I bought because...I don't know why. I can't have thought I was ever going to put this stuff on my feet. It's disgusting. Itches like mad. Sheds black nylon ply. I'm using it because:
  1. I already had it to hand and yarn shopping in Chicago is a pain in the ass for me since I have no car;
  2. it's thin enough for a lace exercise I don't plan to use for anything; and
  3. see item one.
When it's done, I'm not going to want it around the house. Maybe I'll donate it to charity. There must be a group out there somewhere called Doilies for the Homeless or Tray Cloths sans Frontieres or something like that.

*I grew up with a mother who was a child of 1960s Detroit, and Rabbitch still exposes me to at least one curse a week that I haven't yet heard. That, my dears, is an accomplishment. The number of occasions on which I have found the term "assbeagle" to be of use is extraordinary.

43 comments:

Cheryl said...

Oh I love Rabbitch's expressions too...they never fail to crack me up....
your boiled ass is looking pretty good and will look lovely blocked (despite it's itchiness)...

Racheld said...

Oh you are too funny. I don't know what 'assbeagle' means, but it's making me laugh (as I look at my large-assed beagle, Trouble, snoring on her bed).

When I get to the point where I feel confident enough to start knitting lace, I'll keep in mind that Boiled Ass is ok, and it will get better with blocking.

I usually just lurk, but had to comment this time. I not only learn a thing or two from you, I find you pretty freakin' funny.

Jon said...

Well, if that looks like boiled ass, I would hate to see what blanched ass looks like.

Oh, if it's going to be blocked, does that mean you are going to be serving boiled ass on a plate?

And why would you buy itchy yarn? I thought you didn't like itchy yarn. You certainly didn't like the Black Water Abbey stuff I showed you at Stitches.

Speaking of which, is it August yet?!?

Sorka said...

Pop it in a package to Purlsofhope.com we'll take anything!
hopefully there will be a call for household do-dads ... that is when there are houses to put them in..
Denise

Yes... I AM serious.
knitchat.com
purlsofhope.com

Chicago Jen said...

Ummm,Mr. Franklin, I've heard that sock yarn doesn't block very well because of that darned nylon. The corners keep ronding themselves out. But I'm sure the center will be beautiful and since you're going to donate it to charity who give a hoot! I know it looks like not much right now, but I think it's going to be beautiful.

Elemmaciltur said...

"boiled ass", "assbeagle"?? Lawdy, what wonderful expressions! *ROFL*

Your lace is looking great! Even unblocked!

christine said...

Surely there has to be a doily donation thing somewhere in Chicago......or just put an ad in the reader: Boiled ass, free to a good home..........

Ellie said...

Rabbitch does indeed have a marvelous way with words. The pair of you read together can really expand a vocabulary in all directions!

Been meaning to say - I loved that kickline. A shirt with that on I would have to buy... Just saying...

Daphne said...

Mmmm. I should be following Rabbitch just for the language, you're saying? Alright. Anyway. Now I want to do some of this wicked lace/shawl stuff.

As for "watching" the winter olympics, let's just say they teach me to be grateful my partner doesn't like football or basketball or baseball particularly; he gets the Olympics every 2 years and the Tour de France and assorted bicycling events that make it to cable and that's only because we HAVE cable now. And he had no argument against watching Frontline instead last night.

okay, that was pointless. bye!

oh wait! I know! You really should watch the men's ice skating. talk about Broadway and gay men. the boys remind me of my brief time at NU.

your comments on difficulty getting to LYS in Chicago sans car also make me grateful for Seattle and not so nostalgic for your city. :)

Cindy said...

Franklin, this is truly bizarre. I was reading the 100 things to know about Franklin, and thought you'd like to know that I too am Lebanese on my father's side and Solvak/Polish on my mother's. Everyone used to guess that I was Italian. Was born on the opposite end of PA, though now I reside in the Centre (haha), and have hiked in Fayette County frequently and have a hand shaking acquaintance with the Uniontown area. Small world huh?

Marie said...

Yeah, I love the Rabbitch too. Assbeagle was good, but my favorite is asstrumpet. It perfectly describes any number of my former bosses. Blowhards all.

goblinbox said...

I *love* a good new curse word!

Will Pillage For Yarn said...

I use "fuckmuppet" and "arse marmot" which can be turned to verbs, see "fuckmuppetry" and "arsemarmotry" so very versatile.

I love "boiled ass" and "ass beagle" and they must enter the repertoire. I LOVE the power of the internet to spread these creative little gems to the far corners of the globe, far from the person who coined them. My daughter, reading over my shoulder, suggests, "yellow bellied, cactus sucking, quivering spoonful of porpoise poo." but she is only 11 and not allowed to use the really big words :-P

And it's okay, Franklin. My Olympics project looks like boiled ass too and I don't think the power of blocking can fix it.

Aidan said...

I've always enjoyed the phrase "It tasted like canned ass." I sometimew will find myself alone and sad, and all I have to do is think about "canned ass" and I can't help but laugh.

Does fresh ass taste better than the canned? Or should I look for frozen. Do you think smoked or cured ass would be better? Maybe confit of ass?

I will then make up recipes in my head for each ingredient. I can keep myself amused this way for hours.

My wife would tell you that this is an example of what happens when you mainstream the mentally ill.

Laura said...

Assbeagle. It makes me wish I didn't have young children around me 24/7. That is a word I'd love to use!

Aileen said...

I was directed to your blog by Brenda Dayne's podcast "Cast-On". I was listening to episode 4 where she plays a quote from you about Brokback Mountain. Having seen the movie just last night, (great movie for Valentine'sday!)I could totally relate to the quote about felting the socks. I too was attempting to knit in the theatre with all the pressure of the knitting olympics. Anyway, I love your blog. I'm new to the whole blog thing and just started my own a few weeks ago. Anyway, as far as Broadway is concerned... have you seen Wicked? It's absolutely amazing! I HIGHLY recommend it! Anyway, thanks for a great blog! It has become one of my regular reads!

Pam said...

The funniest/scariest thing about the opening ceremonies is that somewhere, there is actually a group of adult human beings who thought that having, (A) Plastic cows dragged around with accompanying "moos", (B)People in tree costumes and (C)Women dressed up as mountains complete with trees and tiny buildings on the skirts, was a great idea!

Aidan said...

My wife and I both imagined the O.C. costumer as a old, bitter, washed-up drag queen with a vendetta against the young and thin. And a thing for livestock. And stretch polyester.

Marilyn said...

Broadway show - Spamalot.

Words I use frequently, especially in traffic- ballbag, asswipe, scrotum face, dicksquirt, cuntess.

Works for me.

Kathy Merrick said...

My petite gamine seeming daughter loves "jerkass", and one of the pet names she calls her aristo French boyfriend that send him in panic to the F/E dictionary:
"stinkface".

Will Pillage? Hate to be a tightarse, but "fuckmuppetry" and "assmarmotry" are nouns.

Franklin said...

Cindy, that's hysterically funny. If you've ever been in Uniontown on Sunday and gone to Mass at St. George's Maronite (I'm guessing you might be Catholic Lebanese) you've been in the church where I was baptized. And I've been to Fallingwater in 3 seasons - hoping to find a way to finagle an invite during the closed winter months.

I'm guessing we'll know in an issue or two whether Rick Mondragon watched the opening ceremonies. I forsee a-line skirts with intarsia alpine villages worked into them. And cow-shaped felted totes that moo.

Hello to everybody who's been saying hello. Where the heck did you all come from all of a sudden?

(Actually, I'm just glad you're here. It's fun.)

Ragnar said...

Wow...your orenburg washcloth is going to be a truly olympic accomplishment. Yarn you hate, an object you won't want to look at when it's done, and all in honor of a sporting event that you don't like to watch.

I'm a recent convert to the knit blogging community and confess I was feeling a bit left out since I didn't have time to pick out a project before the flamey lighty thingy...but yer putting it all in perspective for me Franklin, thanks!

And by the way Laura, I think your 24/7 children would probably enjoy it if you let loose with an "assbeagle" once in awhile.

Franklin said...

Ah, but Ragnar...the process. This has been all about the process from the start. If you read back a bit, I talk about it. I'm using this to 1) learn about the Orenberg method and 2) get my lace chops up for a reallllllly big project.

But yeah...that yarn...ick.

And thanks for the warning Jen, truly - now, if it snaps back like the waistband on my Fruit of the Looms, I won't think I did something terribly wrong.

Adele said...

I'm not familiar with Rabbitch but will have to check him/her out, as I do love a new & interesting curse.

My favourite was invented by my brother-in-law, who was about to swear at a woman driver when he remembered his small son was also in the car. The "B" had already been uttered so it became Buckethead.

doloreshaze said...

Broadway doesn't look so great? What about Doubt? or The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee? Or Light In The Piazza? or the recently closed Pillowman? or Avenue Q? or the recently closed Movin' Out? or Faith Healer? or Festen? or Rabbit Hole? or Sweeney Todd? Especially Sweeney Todd.
Broadway's looking better than it has for years, from where I'm sitting.

Marcia said...

On an edition of the TV show Super Nanny, the morally diseased children of the hour called their mother Butt Pie. It gave me chuckles all the next day.

BTW, I found Rabbitch first, which makes her practically mine. So she's mostly mine. Although she doesn't really talk to me much. Which makes me want her all the more, of course.

Carrie K said...

One does not actually watchspectator sports, do they? I usually talk through them, if subjected at all.

Rabbitch has a wonderful way with words. Assbeagle is my fave.

Your lace looks fine unblocked. Gah.

Uniontown, PA? My brother works there. Got dragged across country from N CA to Connellsville. Hey. They make Tiffany glass there.

Ali said...

I finally managed to download the latest edition of Cast On onto my ancient PC yesterday and just wanted to say that I loved your piece about 'stash'. I found the link to your blog on the Cast On site, and I have spent the whole of this morning reading through your archives. Needless to say I'll be coming back for more!

anna said...

just delurking to express my huge blog-crush. Hi!

di said...

motherpusbucket. it's child-safe, so to speak. and others, upon hearing it uttered, asked to adopt it. [not mine. bill murray. ghostbusters.] i do love assbeagle though.

Ellen in Conn said...

"oog"
"fazz-bazz"
"gosh-a-mickle-dickle-pickle"
- Pogo

my favorite wordsmith of all time is Walt Kelly

Cindy said...

Yikes!! I had no idea that there was a Maronite church in Uniontown!! How bizarre. Who'da thunk it! I too was baptized in the Maronite rite. St Anthony's in Wilkes Barre. But here's another oddity. Less than 2 miles away from St Anthony's there was another Maronite church, St. George's! Two in Wilkes Barre, no kidding. There was a large Lebanese neighborhood in the area. I didn't live there (in the neighborhood), but my grandparents and aunts, uncles and cousins did.

If you've never been, try Kentuck Knob the next time you're in the Ohiopyle area. I think it might even be more interesting than Fallingwater, and has a sculpture hike on the grounds.

World keeps shrinking.....

Chicago Jen said...

Cindy - Kentucky Knob??!!! Bwahh hah hah hah!!! I'm sorry, I'm sure it's a very nice place. Just makes me think of an guy I used to know....

Lauren in Austin said...

"Boiled ass" is great! How would one use "Assbeagle" in a sentence?

Linda said...

Just wanted to share two little bits of advice, Franklin.

1. Contrary to Chicago Jen's comment, I have had marvelous results using sock yarn (wool & nylon blend) for lace. I completed a Lotus Blossom shawl using some sock yarn from Tess' Designer Yarns and it blocked beautifully.

2. Regarding what a pain it is to buy yarn in Chicago without a car, I suggest you visit Loopy Yarns in the south Loop. It's one block south of the Harrison Red Line station. Easy to get to, great hours, and really great shop: http://www.loopyyarns.com/

No, I don't work for Loopy, but I do like to support a good local yarn shop!

christine said...

Franklin - I just had to tell you: I listened to your podcast essay yesterday, and lauged my medium-sized ass off..........very well put!

Tara Garrin said...

"syphillitic assmonkey" is one of my fave curses.

Dory said...

The sock yarn does look pretty tightly knit, too. Garter stitch in lace wants to lay very flat and open in a fine yarn so the ridges aren't bumpy. (Does that make sense?) Maybe a bigger needle would help?

Ragnar, don't feel left out of the Knitting Olympics. Not everyone is doing it.

Since I was disqualified early in the week for straddling an umbrella swift I've had more time to work on my sweater for Franklin's Eliz. Zimmerman "Almanac-along".

And my knitting partner, Shelley, never made it past the "banned substance" check. She's knitting with Lion Brand chenille. OUT!!!

JoVE said...

Another suggestion for what to do with the tiny shawl when finished: if you know anyone with a small girl (age 4-8) who is into dolls, I suspect there would be much appreciation from that quarter.

My favourite Rabbitch expression was calling someone a Slinky (no discernable use but makes you feel good when you push them down the stairs).

Anonymous said...

But back to the olympics...
You don't even like luge? Men's doubles?

Rose said...

I'm a child of Detroit too - living in Northern Illinois now. I'll have to add her to my bloglines. When I lived in the East, people never failed to comment on my sayings - attributing it to my Midwestern ways.

I love the lace. I have to admit I haven't been watching either. I saw a news article that said there haven’t been many fans in the stands. I have to wonder what means for the future of the games.

Brenda Dayne said...

Puh-lease. Ice Dancing? Gay men own that game! Although they were clearly all out of the building while the women's costumes were being designed.

What the hell is up with those ass-bustle things on the ice dancers? Last night, honey, one of the girls caught her hand in her bustle thingy during a lift... ruined everything.

Made me want to yell like Edna, the fashion designer from the Incredibles, "See what happens when you wear capes? No Capes!!"

Oh, Franklin, the Drama! And you missed it!

www.toledo-3d.com said...

Little doubt, the dude is completely just.