Monday, August 01, 2005

Anger Management

When I left the apartment this morning, I was in a tender mood. It was a good weekend. The weather is beautiful. I am knitting a fluffy white baby scarf.

By the time I reached the office I was a budding maniac. Apparently, today is Get Franklin Day in the Chicagoland area. Or at least, Keep Franklin From Reaching the Office Without Smacking Somebody Day.

Since at some point a court-ordered therapist is going to ask me to do this anyhow, here's a little chart showing all the lovely people I encountered, and what I imagined doing to each of them.
IdiotFantasy Punishment
Slow-moving woman in platform sandals who made me miss my train...againClocked with left shoe
Man smoking stogie under "NO SMOKING" sign on platformForced to eat large bowl of Virginia Slims
Woman in otherwise quiet train car having loud, angry 20-minute conversation about ear-piercing with daughter via cell phoneShaved bald
Perky, preppy summer school girls who decided to stop and chat during morning rush hour, blocking only stairs down from train stationTeeth ripped out, made into stylish necklaces
University department which rendered adjacent sidewalk impassable with lawn sprinklersBulldozed, replaced with Pizza Hut
Pushy man handing out flyers for local bagel emporium, screaming loudly and blocking narrow sidewalkFed to sharks
Expensively dressed North Shore mother with double-wide SUV stroller containing whining twins who spit fruit punch onto my boots (mother's reaction: laughter)Made to watch one "Rugrats" epsiode in endless loop while being shot with super-soaker full of Juicy Juice

What I actually did, of course, was nothing.

At least the baby scarf looks nice.

18 comments:

Sean said...

Well, at least they didn't spit the fruit juice on the fluffy white! THAT would be a problem...

Deep breaths! Deep breaths!

Mom said...

Sorry your commute was so bad, at least you can talk about it and that does help. I think you handled it great. Don't let it upset your day. Glad you had a wonderful weekend. I can't wait to see a picture of the baby scarf.

goblinbox said...

Well, your morning might have sucked, but your post rocked.

;-)

Cheryl said...

Unfortunately motherhood is like an endless loop of Rugrats while getting shot with a supersoaker of juicy juice.... so that wouldn't be too much of a punishment for her......
Sorry your day started out so bad..hopefully it will get better!!

Jon said...

they can't get you when Stitches is a mere 10 days away!! They can have you after the 15th! LOL

Anonymous said...

Especially enjoyed this post. Are psychofan-tic "me too" comments banned here, too?

Carol S

birdfarm said...

Your Mom reads your blog???

Hi, Franklin's mom, if you ever communicate with my mother, which is not as unlikely as it might seem (did she send you xmas cards for ten years after meeting you once for ten seconds at graduation? she did that to some friends' parents) could you um, not tell her about my blog? That'd be super, thanks!

(Yes, clearly Franklin has a healthy grown-up relationship with his parents, while clearly I'm stuck somewhere around age 15 with mine.

I also realize that the world doesn't revolve around me, and that the chain of events I fear is particularly unlikely.

Nonetheless, "es mejor prevenir que lamentar," as my Spanish phrase-a-day calendar says--"better to prevent than lament").

Oh, and Franklin's mom, I hope you're enjoying Kokomo!

The Queen of the Snow Cows said...

Normally I lurk, but I had to tell you I loved this post. It made me laugh out loud. The same stuff happens to me almost every day in NYC.

Imagining their punishments is a lot healthier than acting it out. I've pushed some yuppies down the stairs in the subway and had screaming matches with over-entitled mothers and it doesn't really assuage the anger.

Rabbitch said...

*cackle*

Oh if only life were as simple as the Rugrats and the Juicy Juice spraying ...

I think your response should be what mine would have been in this instance. Kill everyone, then have a beer.

Buzz said...

Boots sweetie-darling, in this heat?

Sahara said...

Wow! Your post was great. I hope the rest of your day wasn't as bad as the commute. I definitely hope today (Tuesday) is better.

Sorka said...

Yeah.. you are going to have to pick something more annoying that rugrats sorry dear!! But hey the punishment for those Aplha Moms is to have her trade places with some poor mom in the middle of no where with no car and 7 kids and NO TV!!!
HEHEHEEH EVIL eh?

Lee Ann said...

The latest, most insanely annoying childrens' program on the face of the earth is "Boo-bah." Think Teletubbies without even the benefit of guttural two-year-old nonsensical talk. They spin around and make weird noises and in general make you wonder how it is that childrens' television programmers get away with taking so much LSD on the job.

I am a parent. My kid has been known to do idiotic things. But jaysus, I don't understand how other parents don't give a flying f*ck when their kids do something idiotic to strangers. Where is the decency? Where is the sense of responsibility? More importantly, where is the flamethrower?

I'm with Rabbitch. Praise the ammunition and pass the Guinness.

Lee Ann said...

Oh, and sugar? fondle the scarf and have a better end of day, okay? :-)

Faustus, MD said...

I am disturbed by the "let the punishment fit the crime" attitude running through your fantasies. You need more blood, much more blood.

(I am reminded of a post I made about revenge fantasies. In case that link doesn't work, it's on my blog on November 20, 2004.)

The woman in the platform sandals, for example, should be not clocked with her left shoe (or did you mean yours?) but tied to the train track with shoelaces until an oncoming train runs over her.

john said...

You are fucking hilarious

judi bola said...

Thank you for helping out, good info. "It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live." by J. K. Rowling.

judi bola said...

Thank you for helping out, good info. "It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live." by J. K. Rowling.