Six Things Passengers Waiting for This Flight to St. Louis Would Rather Do Than Sit in the One Empty Seat Next to the Guy with the Knitting Needles

1. Perch on an armrest next to a ten-year-old who spews BBQ Pringles every time he makes a big kill on his little video game player.
   
   
2. Sprawl on a carpet that is visibly soiled with popcorn droppings and invisibly soiled with heaven knows what else.
   
   
3. Spy on said Knitting Guy from behind a pillar and take his picture with an iPhone.
   
   
4. Move toward the empty seat as though to sit down, then reconsider and walk away, then come back, then walk away, then come back, then walk away, then come back, then walk away, then come back, then walk away, then come back, then walk away.
   
   
5. Greedily devour a McDonald's Extra Value Meal while balanced unsteadily on the rim of a garbage can.
   
   
6. Call "Maureen" and tell her you're "still in Chicago" and that now you've "seen everything."