Thursday, July 21, 2005

Idle Chatter

Darlings, it has been such a day and it's only quarter after three. But a boy has to eat, so I'm going to hold the fork with one hand and type with the other. I have no actual topic in mind, but since when has that ever stopped me?

You look hungry. Pull up a chair. Cookie? Wine spritzer? Careful, the fajita platter is still hot.

Screechy Peaches

So, I mentioned Peaches (the rock singer, not the fruit) and Felicia outed herself as a Peaches fan and asked if I liked her stuff.

Well, in a word, no.

I am all for women (and men) telling it like it is, I'm just more comfortable when they do so in a manner that won't make the dog soil the carpet. Honey, that girl and the noises she makes are scary. Somewhere between the classroom and the concert hall, something went grievously awry.

In the novel Gentlemen Prefer Blondes, Sigmund Freud tells the narrator that she needs to "cultivate some inhibitions and get some sleep." I think that's the same advice I would give to Peaches. After which she would kick me in the head and use my goatee to light her cigarette.


I want to say how much I appreciated everyone's advice and compassion on the subject of undoing unsatisfactory stitches.

QueerJoe has offered to "butcher" some knitting (how studly does that sound?) at Rhinebeck so he can show me how to frog without fear. You're on, Joe, as long as you promise not to laugh at me if I get scared and start to cry. Otherwise it'll be second grade dodgeball all over again, except you're not a closeted lesbian gym teacher with a whistle around your neck.

Tattoos and Piercings

Boy, you are all so excited to see me get stuck with a needle, aren't you?

I mentioned being the only person at the Intonation Festival without "visible tattoos" and Lee Ann wondered if I might have a non-visible tattoo somewhere. Not at the moment, sugar.

I've wrestled with the tattoo-or-no question for years, and until I'm dead certain or dead drunk I shall remain un-inked. I despair of ever finding a motif I love deeply enough to wear forever, or an artist I trust to do work that won't make me feel I've been doodled on.

Colleen, who you may recall was the one who knew what a "pantyhose party" is, was also awfully learned about getting tattooed in a hurry. For somebody who has a real job and rosy-cheeked kids and an RV all that, girlfriend is certainly giving us glimpses of a wild side, and I don't just mean impromptu buying sprees on Knitpicks. As my mother used to say, it's always the quiet ones.

Rabbitch mentions that she adores pierced nipples. I do, too, darling, aside from the danger they pose of chipping one's teeth.

I am pierced, but very mundanely, one hole in each ear. I usually wear little hoops, though I have a pair of diamond studs for those evenings when I need to feel gala.

Churl with a Pearl Earring

On that note, it frosts my cookies that girls get to have all the fun when it comes to earrings. For a guy, it's simple hoops or studs or forget about it.

I was in a Vermeerish mood once and tried on a single pearl-drop earring, and quite liked it until the saleswoman came over and said I looked a pirate. I looked in the mirror and I didn't look like a pirate at all, I looked like Prince. Although it would have made me attractive to Yarn Harlot (no small benefit), that just didn't seem like a good idea.

Roll Call

Mush liked Edmund, the Wild Thing* in my picture of Susan's hat. I have many such little friends in the office. In the interest of giving you a fuller, rounder, Cinemascope picture of my life, here's a complete list:
  1. Winnie-the-Pooh
  2. George and Martha (the hippos, not the former Mrs. Dandridge and her second husband)
  3. Snoopy
  4. Arthur, D.W., and Buster
  5. Lucy from "Peanuts"
  6. Happy Bunny (on a pedestal that reads, "Hi. Cram it.")
  7. Buddha
Buddha is not very cuddly, since he's made of plaster. On the other hand, that makes it much easier to fling him at the heads of people who make me mad.

When I worked at New England Conservatory, I also had Madeline (the one who lived with Miss Clavell in the old house in Paris all covered with vines), and this one sicko coworker of mine used to come into my office while I was out and pose her on my keyboard, ass up with her dress over her head and her knickers pulled down.

Which brings us back to Peaches, doesn't it?

Since we've come full circle, I'll hush up for a wee while.

Another spritzer? Nu?

*Oh, and Mark let it slip out casually that he had, like, a friendship with Maurice Sendak.
Maurice Frigging Sendak! Good grief. What can I say, except, Bitch, I totally hate you.


Anonymous said...

Man oh man, now I feel bad about dissing men with an earring in each ear. I think it's only the Auntie Erma earrings that freak me out. You with a single pearl drop in one ear and something small and tasteful in the other ear...yep, Prince, alright. WTF with the pirate thing? Since when do pirates wear pearls?

I, too, have no tattoos. None. I'm deeply afraid of what they will look like on ninety-year-old pale skin, because I plan on living that long just to torture people who think I'm a bit nutty.

And thank you. I don't think I've been called sugar in about fifteen years, and it feels damned good :-)

birdfarm said...

"Buddha is not very cuddly, since he's made of plaster. On the other hand, that makes it much easier to fling him at the heads of people who make me mad."

Have I mentioned recently that you are practically perfect in every way?

Loopy & I have matching tattoos around our ankles (supposed to be like a ball & chain; we got them for some anniversary or other). Or rather, I have about two inches of the tattoo that Loopy has all around her ankle.

Loopy likes to tell the story as though I was just chicken. But I trust that you, Franklin, of all people, will understand and believe the truth of the matter.

Yes, it was indeed the pain that stopped me from continuing, but I insist that it was more than that—it was that I was suffering for something permanent that was not turning out at all as I had designed it! (Apparently if you want an elaborate Celtic spirally thing, you do not go to your friend's buddy who specializes in skeletons and roses).

Someday, I'll get a Celtic spirally thing specialist (there are such creatures) to fix it up.

I am led to believe that tattoos have to be fixed up anyway, because (n.b., Lee Ann) an old tattoo on skin of any age looks like a large muddy blob.

birdfarm said...

Franklin, feel free to delete this, but I am far from home & do not have your email address so this is the only way I can think of to contact you and say... can you please resend the email you sent me a day or so ago? I was in such a tearing rush to get out of the house--I read the first line or two with pleasure and set it aside to savor thoroughly, and then I never did. Now I'm lonely & would dearly love that note to enjoy, but I can't get at it (as it downloaded onto my computer at home), but if you resend it I can see it as web mail, see? Don't feel you need to add anything, just please do resend. Thanks!!

So, delete this, k?

Anonymous said...

Well, I've noi opinions on tats, piercing and the like..but was wondering why a headline I saw this morning claimed that you were forming out at sea somehwere. Tropical Depression Franklin is now a storm...

goblinbox said...

Holy shit, that may be the all-around funniest post you've ever posted! The great images:

1. "closeted lesbian gym teacher with a whistle around your neck..."

2. "Boy, you are all so excited to see me get stuck with a needle, aren't you?..."
(GOD yes, darling, you'd LOVE it and we'd love you loving it. One word: ENDORPHINS. Hello! And by the time we're all sixty we won't give a flying fuck where our tats have gotten to - that's the cool thing about being sixty: YOU NO LONGER HAVE TO BE VAIN 'cause you're old and interesting. And probably cackling. For reasons only known to you.)

3. "it's always the quiet ones..."
(lol again)

4. "aside from the danger they pose of chipping one's teeth..."
(lol for the third time; this is turning out to be a red-letter freaking blog post)

5. "I looked in the mirror and I didn't look like a pirate at all, I looked like Prince..."
(SNORT! Prince is a Sexy Motherfucker, sure, but God save any of us from looking like him.)

6. "Buddha is not very cuddly, since he's made of plaster. On the other hand, that makes it much easier to fling him at the heads of people who make me mad..."
(ROFLMAO!!! Buddha, mad, fling! Oh STOP already with your totally non-Zen anger mis-management! WITH A STATUE OF LORD BUDDHA! Snark!)

7. "Maurice Frigging Sendak! Good grief. What can I say, except, Bitch, I totally hate you..."
(I KNOW, right?!?)

Keep it comin', you. ;-)