Thursday, April 28, 2005

They Call Me Interruptus

I work out at the straightest gym on the planet. Even the male aerobics instructors are straight, and honestly I thought that was against the law.

In a way, this is good because it means I have no trouble focusing on my workout. On the other hand, sometimes the parade of ugly straight men can be downright depressing.

And when I say ugly, I mean uhhhhhggglly. If Pope Benedict XVI came in and climbed onto the stationary bicycle next to mine I wouldn't even blink.

It's bad enough seeing these men naked in the locker room. Most of them go through incredible Kama Sutra contortions to hide their naughty bits when they change (who do they think is looking?) but there's still enough showing to wreck your appetite for a week.

Just imagine my discomfiture when yesterday I walked into the steam room and interrupted two of them who were lusting after each other.

They weren't touching or anything, but I could tell in an instant what was going on. There was a third fellow already in the room, and these two were obviously wanting to be alone together. Both had wedding rings and (judging from appearances) came from "I must marry and produce children despite my lust for men" sorts of cultures.*

As I sat down they glared at me, and then looked at each other, and heaved obvious sighs of discontent. (Amateurs are so indiscreet.)

I wasn't going to curtail my schvitz to enable their covert game of leapfrog. When I left ten minutes later for the sauna they were still sitting there, flirting with each other and with severe dehydration.

The sauna, ironically, was empty. I sat down in my favorite spot, this sort of deep niche to the right of the door that isn't well lit and where the heat tends to concentrate.

I hadn't been in there two minutes and was just getting to a marvelous state of relaxation when the door opened, and in came Tweedledee and Tweedledum. They were so in rut by this time that they didn't check the niche to see if it was empty. They just opened their towels and started playing Pole Position.

So I did what any compassionate gay man would do. I sat very still, waited for what dramatists call the Apex of the Action Sequence, and then I SUDDENLY COUGHED VERY LOUDLY.

Have you ever seen a man startled out of his wits while in the throes of orgasm? It's cute.

*I'll be honest. I have about the same amount of sympathy for these men that I do for the people who sue fast food chains for making them fat.


Franklin said...

You're right, we all need love, sugar. And I know I have nerve calling somebody else ugly, but yeah - the gym sauna ain't the place to get down and boogie, no matter what you look like.

Besides, in Chicago we have what is perhaps the finest bathhouse in the United States for just this sort of thing. Not that I've been there, of course. I just, you know, hear things.

Anonymous said...

bah-hahahahaha!!!!! Seriously, my boss must think I'm crazy cause I couldn't contain my laughter. I'm sorry, but it's so deserved of them (is deserved a word?).

goblinbox said...

OMG, that post make me laugh out loud for MINUTES. Apex of the Action Sequence! LOL!

Anonymous said...

Franklin, you crack me up. I can't believe the adventures you have at your gym. Makes me think that perhaps I'm missing out on something by not exercising...

Franklin said...

I can see your point, Tricky, and heaven knows the sauna is nothing if not ripe with fantasy material.

And I'd like to think I'm nothing if not compassionate where the oppressed and frustrated are concerned.

I suppose what bothers me is that so often the men of this kind are, in my experience, among the most actively homophobic in public. And these two, in particular, were making the room uncomfortable for everyone else in it with their hostility.

I wouldn't go so far as to say I found them dirty or disgusting - it was more like I found them rude, indiscreet, and inappropriate.

In addition to screamingly funny.

And do keep commenting. This is why I like blogs so much more than I ever like journals. ;-)

birdfarm said...

LOL!! I can just see your face in my mind's eye as you cough. I wonder if you raised your eyebrow in that innocent-yet-naughty way you used to if to say, "What? Please, don't let me interrupt you--no, really, pretend I'm not here" (subtext: "Heh heh heh, gotcha!").

Franklin said...

You know, Jon, that sounds mighty familiar. My first partner was a freelancer of sorts and so made his own schedule, which invariably involved a two-hour workout at the Boston YMCA. And yet after three years of such consistent exercise, he'd put on no muscle and lost no weight.

I'm so slow that this didn't strike me as odd until about four years after we broke up.

Anonymous said...

I'm going to have to start going back to the steam room--which I've stopped going to precisely because of this sort of thing--just to use this maneuver of yours.

moiraeknittoo said...

Coffee, meet monitor screen. Again. Most excellent reaction to exceeding stupidity. I mean, honestly, at least check that the room is empty, no?

Anonymous said...

OMG, this is the best story ever! I have to show my friends!

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