Thursday, July 28, 2011

The Glamorous Life: A Tasteful Vignette

It was only after I reached Portland yesterday that I realized I had passed through four time zones in a little more than twenty-four hours; a new personal record. I was standing, but my body felt as though it had been neatly and expertly de-boned like a turkey galantine.

My brain, which is congenitally befogged on the best of days, was on the verge of shutting down. I woke twice in the night, confused, in a cold sweat. Happily my custom of leaving bedside notes for myself prevented a full-blown panic attack and unmanly screams that might have summoned the police.

The third time I woke, it was to (as Sister Mary Cynthia used delicately to put it) visit the gentlemen's private accommodation. I was perhaps twenty percent awake, the room was dark, and I felt in my head (as I always do on the first night ashore) the delicate rocking that suggested I slept yet in the luxurious bosom of Mother Cunard.

So I padded over to where the bathroom was in my cabin on the Queen Mary 2; and it was only when by happy chance a sleeve brushed my face that I came to full awareness and narrowly avoided having a hearty pee into the shoes on the floor of my closet at the Red Lion Inn.


SJ said...

Thank you for the morning laugh! So glad that you discovered your mistake even in your half-awake state.

Miss Sandra said...

*controlled mumbled laughter so as to not draw attention to self in the office.*
Thanks for the ab workout.

The Foggy Knitter said...

I suggest omega 3 oils for the befoggedness, I wouldn't be without them. I'll stop being bossy now! Hope the jet lag improves - enjoy sock summit!

Deborah said...


Diane said...

Now that's some sound sleeping!

I got some really good advice from a tour guide in the Netherlands on jet lag. First, stay up until a close to regular bedtime. Keep moving until then and drink an insane amount of water (try to avoid caffienated beverages). It did work for me and even my Mom didn't have as much trouble as she usually does.

JoAnn said...

Some really good comments, but the one thing to pack is a night light. Hotel/motel bathrooms don't have dimmer switches and the OR lighting is enough to light a runway, making it even more impossible to sleep (well) in a strange bed. But a bitty night light with the door almost closed - just the ticket. After all, if you pee in your shoes while on the road, you have to go barefoot next day. Not a good thing.

Cathy Goldman said...

Don't you just love jet least there were no stairs to fall down as you groped for the loo in the wrong direction....
Can't wait for our Queen Victoria cruise in November...16 days at sea. OMG...what was the nakme of that dessert again????????

Linda said...

At least this time I read your blog I put my cup of coffee down first!

Vanessa said...

I've caught my husband sleeping in the closet a few times but never uh, almost peeing.

Ruby said...

Having been a road warrior in the past, this is so true. And thank you for sharing your blog with us. It is always a delight to read. We can just envision you, Harry and Dorothy on your escapades. Have fun at Sock Summit.

kathy b said...

oh my.
THis is how I feel most mondays after working weekend night shift sat and sunday. UGGGG. IT is a horrid feeling. Hope yours is over soon. I say sleep early and often until you are back to snuff

Sherilyn said...

When one of my brothers was three years old (he is currently 50), my mom heard the pitter patter of little feet one night and found him sleepwalking in the kitchen, about to let loose into the refrigerator.

Thankfully she got there in time. Having a girl, I'm not really anticipating this problem.

Jasmin said...

Well, worst case, you can find great new shoes in Portland, and you'll always remember Sock Summit when you wear them.

Always a silver lining, says I. Especially when it involves new shoes.

diane said...

Good thing your shoes were spared. I remember waking my son after he had fallen asleep on the couch and telling him to go up to bed. We caught him in the laundry room about to sit on the laundry basket thinking it was the toilet!

ali said...

I was having a crummy day until I read your blog. I laughed until I cried. I love you, Franklin

Martha0051 said...

I notice that even in your jetlagged and befogged state you scrupulously avoid splitting infinitives. Wow.

littleredyarn said...

On my first trip to London, I was so incredibly jet lagged I walked half-asleep into my flat's bathroom and promptly smacked the bridge of my nose into the door jamb. I still have the scar and no, hilarity did not ensue.

CeltChick said...

aRE wE haviNg fUn Yet? Gotta watch those time zones, they'll mess with you.
My word veification is "frertist"; please define.

anne marie in philly said...


alix said...

One night eldest son got up "to use the facilities"and instead of turning right and lifting the toilet seat, he turned left and raised the clothes hamper lid.
He never woke up. (And I didn't have the heart to wake him. But I heard him.) Next morning was laundry day anyway,

Mel said...

So what you're saying is that if you ever come to visit, we should rig a line from the bed to the head, so's you can just make your way there by feel.

Yarn Dependent Me said...

At least you don't do what I do, and fall INTO the shoes in your closet at the Red Lion Inn because you forgot which direction your private accommodations were in.

Crafty Andy said...

You made me laugh buddy. Hope your doing well , congratulations on saving your shoes.

knitinsage said...

ahaha "a hearty pee"

Kathleen said...

In my experience, that gentle rocking sensation is a symptom of jetlag. I get it most strongly whenever I am just arrived to or from Australia.

Hang in there. :)

Kathleen said...

Oh, and also...your post reminds me of a story from my first boyfriend where apparently, as a boy, he sleepwalked into his oldest brother's bedroom and "heartily peed" into the garbage can there. Said brother's reaction was apparently a bleary, "Dave? What are you doing in....argh!"

Syd said...

Coffee up the nose again....Will I ever learn?!

I second JoAnne, always take a small night light with me when I travel. Almost knocked my self senseless once running into the wall of a hotel room, the bruises are too embarrassing to explain!

gritsandpurls said...

Thanks for the morning laugh.

gritsandpurls said...

Thanks for the morning laugh. My coworkers were wondering...

Terry said...

Welcome back and thanks for the laugh! I bet that'll be your favorite shirt from now on.

I'm wondering - I think you may have been on the same trip on the QE2 as David Lebovitz of, his A Taste of Paris blog, because he's been posting from the ship and this morning now he tells of its entry into NYC...

Winterhart said...

I have to ask - were you and David Lebovitz on the same cuise liner? I don't think he would be one of the aforementioned New York queens, since he's been living in Paris for the last umpty-mumble years, and it's hard to tell dates from blog posts, but the timing is just so similar! That would be a heck of a blogger intersection :D

Pretty Knitty said...

Thanks (as always) for sharing your take on everyman's traveling brainfog... I love to read your blog!

Cara said...

Could have been worse, someone else could have had a hearty pee in your shoes (yep, been there).

isabella said...

Mother Cunard


Gail (nosenabook) said...

Thank you for taking cruises and writing about the experience so I don't have to. It saves me time and money to put toward all those other things I want to do -- and still sounds awesome.

Mary Hayne said...

Oh Franklin, this is too wild. My two favorite sites to read -- yours and David Lebovitz's -- both of you were on the same boat at the same time crossing the Atlantic. That was a bit twilight zonish for my morning reading. Do you know each other? You should you are both totally delightful. Here's his blog address incase you haven't checked him out yet.

Glad it was a good crossing!

bfree2read said...

Thanks for the laugh. I totally agree about travelling with a night light to find the bathroom.

Enjoy the weather in Portland because it is HOT, HOT, HOT in the Mid-west (and several other locales).

susancoyotesfan said...

Lucky you. The last time I had a hotel misadventure like that I broke my left little toe and ripped the top ligament off. My toe doesn't curl up any more, only down. I think perhaps urine soaked shoes would be an acceptable trade off...? But in any case, I'm glad your shoes are dry and your toes are intact!

kshotz said...

Franklin, your labels for this post are just as funny as the content itself! Please consider putting some of your posts together in a book!!

Kathleen Lawton-Trask said...

Husband and I took the QE2 from New York to Southampton several years ago. I was really miffed to find that, due to the lose-an-hour-a-day business, we arrived in London just as jetlagged as if we'd been on BA's flying cattle car.

PrincessRuffian said...

Love the sock, can't wait to see Canine! How did the tessellations class go? Hoping it was an enormous success and you had so much fun that you're going to offer it again somewhere sometime soon... and that I can get in next time...

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