Thursday, August 26, 2010

Do Not Do This

Clicking This Will Do You No Good at AllWhen you are sitting in a coffee shop working on an entry about the amazing stuff you saw at Stitches Midwest, and you look up what you know perfectly well to be a lace weight yarn in both Ravelry and Yarndex to double-check the fiber content, and you note that in both places this lace yarn is listed as fingering weight, do not accidentally exclaim in your outside voice, "Fingering my ass!"

143 comments:

Sandra said...

good to know. (Damn, I wish I had been sitting in that coffee shop...)

Carol said...

I love you so very much.

Andrea said...

Oh man, that's hilarious. I'll have to remember that.

Sarah W said...

Delurking to say:

I know better by now than to drink anything while I'm reading your posts . . . but now there's a shiny place on my screen where the peppermint chewing gum hit.

Your posts make my day---thank you!

Mari said...

*Note to self* Do not read anything Franklin writes after taking a sip of coffee.

alala said...

Thanks. I'll keep that in mind.

JelliDonut said...

Now you tell me!

Abigail said...

That is excellent advice!

Ruby said...

I agree with most folks, we should not drink while reading Franklin. We could be assessed with DUI - drinking under influence of FH. This was so short but so long on funny. Thanks for the laughs!

Rozaroni said...

I'm waiting to see which future posts get the tag "Ass"

Lisa said...

Note to self, do not consume food and/or beverages when reading these posts. You will loose part of the contents no matter how hard you try not to do so.

I wish I had been there for that and thanks for the advice!

Some lady from Pittsburgh said...

I nearly choked on my eggs just now. ROFL!

Carla said...

This made my day.

Seanna Lea said...

*snrk* That definitely sounds like something I would do. Thankfully the vast amount of time I spend in libraries has reduced my outside voice to something barely audible even in a mostly empty coffee shop.

Amy Lane said...

*chokesnort* So noted.

Penny said...

Did that earn you some unwanted attention?

goosefairy said...

oh jeez. good thing i had just swallowed my coffee before reading this.

Jen said...

Perfect. Thanks for making my day funny!

JC Briar said...

Reminds me of the time I tried out a new model of whitewater kayak, called a For Play, then exclaimed afterward, "My hips are sore from that foreplay." Fortunately, I said it among my whitewater buddies, not in a crowded coffee shop...

dofnup said...

OMFG I had to cover my face and pretend I was coughing so that the entire office didn't hear my hysterical laughter!!! XD

Cathy R said...

OH. My. Goodness.

Once again, I bow to you, the funniest darn knitter that I know.

Thanks for the giggle!

Anonymous said...

Reminds me of a time when I saw an advertisement for a concert given by a group known as the Callipygian Players. My immediate response (luckily under my breath) was, "Callipygian, my ass!" Then I realized what I had actually said.
~Rachel

Malia said...

FOTFLMAO

Lynn in Tucson said...

Duly noted!

kshotz said...

Ummmm, . . . y e a . . .

I'll add that to the list!

Deb G. said...

Thanks a ton, Franklin... if you'd mentioned this yesterday that might have been of some use.

Xebecer said...

Depends on the coffee shop.

Amadore said...

LMAO you crack me up.

Rudee said...

I would have paid anything to have been a fly on the wall. Thanks for the morning laugh.

Katherine said...

This is awesome. Seriously. It made my day.

calicokitty6 said...

LOL I almost choked on my mouthful of yogurt. Priceless!!

Jason said...

Thanks for the laugh on my birthday.

FelixAndAva said...

@Jason, happy birthday (from someone sharing your birthday).

Eileen said...

Sometimes I think you're the brother I never had....

Cadi said...

Dyed brown, huh? ;-)

Carol said...

Love the 'Depends on the coffee shop' comment!

Ann said...

Yeah, I'll keep this in mind. First I have to catch my breath after hooting hysterically.

Sarah said...

Oh to have seen people's faces

Patricia said...

Now that's just good life advice right there!
Don't know how I lived this long without it, but I shall keep it in mind forever more.
(Hugs, Franklin, I totally love you.)

Anonymous said...

I laughed out loud in my outside voice.

Diana de-lurking

RecoveringActor said...

HAHAHAHAHAHA.

Fujiyamamama said...

HA!

Maryanne & Duke said...

Oh my! And I don't dare ask where it might be appropriate to say those words out loud...

Anonymous said...

If you're in a coffe shop discussing handspinning, and more specifically spinning wild yarn, it is also not advisable to exclaim in a loud and disapointed tone of voice that "you can't go too wild because you have a small orifice".

Manon

ali said...

Aha, an ass tag. Now my life is complete. Or it will be after I wipe the vitamin water off of my monitor.

Wit, thy name is Franklin.

Rainy Daisy said...

My grandmother used to give me the same advice. She was very wise...

Mari said...

Oh my, as I sit here getting ready to roll out of my office chair reading this, I do beleive that very sage wisdom Franklin.

I would have loved to have seen the look on the patrons around you!

Sabrina said...

Fabulous!

Riin said...

Heh. What cracks me up is if I heard someone yell that, I'd probably interpret it the way you meant it, and only then realize the other meaning. The world does revolve around fiber, doesn't it?

Diana said...

I'm so desperately happy that I'm not the only one whose mouth is apparently loaded and has a hair trigger.

StephCat said...

LOL!!!!!

geekknitter said...

Oh wow... :gigglesnort:/... now my office-mates are more convinced than ever that I've completely gone round the bend!

WonderMike said...

My favorite coffee house verbal faux pas is, "Go ahead and give the shaft good a thigh roll..."

Llamabean said...

Thank you, I needed that today.

Benita said...

I have GOT to learn to read your blog someplace other than the office.

a said...

Further proof, that commas, are, key.

shannon said...

oh how i wish i would have been at that coffee shop.

Mel said...

Oh, I dunno. I could imagine it might get you a few proposals in the right venue.

Elysbeth said...

Perfect! Of course, a nearby knitter would have said "what's the gauge?"

StarSpry said...

That is so funny!!

Sally Comes Unraveled said...

It was Handmaiden Sea Silk, wasn't it?

Kris said...

I hate this word, but LOL. Because I actually did. Thanks for the chuckle.

Anonymous said...

Better the coffee shop than the gate area at O'Hare?

dclulu said...

Bwahahaha!

diane said...

Good thing I had this conference call on mute before I read this!

Tessie said...

Wow... thats just great. Wish I had been there to see the faces of people around you.

eyebehold said...

Point taken.

Jeanne said...

And now there is cottage cheese and cantaloupe mush all over my monitor. (I should know better!) LOL

Lynn D. said...

First-time delurker chiming in to let you know that you've shined a new light on an otherwise dreadfully mundane, work-overloaded day. Thank you!

Joanne said...

I wish I had been there!

Jeanne said...

tee-hee

Now I have to clean the coffee off my keyboard.

Linda S said...

Franklin, too funny! I met you at Stitches and asked you for needle advice. It was a real pleasure meeting you. I'm working a lot right now and I needed a good laugh! I'll let you know how those needles work out once I get a chance to try them.

Anonymous said...

Unless it's a coffee shop in Boystown, where it would have been considered a completely unremarkable statement OR gotten you a few dates.

colorlessblue said...

Yeah, I always suspected that Fannie's Fingering wouldn't have that name if it were from a british yarn company.
WonderMike, ditto about shafts and thigh-rolls. Also, discussing twist and whacking after a hot bath.

anne marie in philly said...

especially if you are in the gayborhood LOL!

Mag said...

Ma'am! I'll have what he's having! ;-)

AgTigress said...

So, are you going to tell us what happened next?
:)

divamcknitster said...

another lesson learned - do not read your blog while 7 year old son is in the vicinity. can't exactly tell him why i laughed.

Wendy said...

*dies*

revl said...

bypassed laughing and went straight to hysterical tears. man, did I need that. almost makes me want to spend time in coffee shops just to be disappointed that you're not there.

Goddess of Java said...

Dear man, you win the Internet today!

That's awesome.

Anonymous said...

I've spent a long day at work, followed by an unpleasant hour in the dentist's chair, and had to deal with an uncooperative spreadsheet, a home network printer crisis and a disappearing teenager while fixing dinner.

Thank you, Franklin. I really needed that.

Mary

janna said...

hee hee!

Girl Meets Needle said...

Oh.Em. Gee. Hahahahahahahahaha! I would love to have been sitting with you when that came out of your mouth...oh the expressions you must have been met with.

This is just one of the many reasons why you are adored. ♥

seashells said...

Oh, yeah! What everyone else said. I can't decide which would be more fun, hearing you say it, or looking at everyone else in the coffee shop who heard you say it.

Jeanne said...

Will this be going in your next book?

Chris said...

I laughed so hard I nearly fell off my chair!

Sarah said...

Heh-heh. My friend managed to embarrass herself when she asked for a definition of "light fingering" although she was in the company of knitters at the time.

Jenny said...

yeah, I was at Stitches Midwest last year when I exclaimed, "Oh, I love Four Play" outside of Brooks Farm. My friend just gave me the WTF look and I had to explain to her what I was talking about.

FiberQat said...

Learn from my fail indeed. It could have been sport my ass.

Manon, I will remember your advice.

Anonymous, too said...

And now for the $64,000 question: How many offers did you get? And how many are you willing to pass along to interested readers?

Kelly Magill said...

I love you!

... said...

Which yarn?

Misstea said...

Your advice comes about five years too late. I once stood up, bent over the table and invited ... the consortium taking over the company I worked for to f**k me up the a**.

While the transition "manager" was sitting at the very same table, no less.

I am pleased to report that I received an excellent compensation package. Being outrageous can be rewarding.

KnittyLynn said...

Knitting humor! Good stuff! :D

Knitterotica said...

Your posts have become our favorite family dinner time dramatic reading. I get to play you.

redsilvia said...

That is rather like a local radio commercial currently on air where one can win the chance to be fingered four times a day. Of course A) they're talking of a pro footbal promotion and B) it's San Francisco where that doesn't elict too much of a reaction.

Penny said...

Okay, you just gave me the best laugh of the day....and I really need it...thank you, I'm sorry for getting it at your expense...but it was good.

G. Knerd said...

This just made my non-knitting husband-elect laugh out loud. Thanks!

Paisley said...

*snort* *rofl*
Please don't leave us in suspense.... what was the yarn in question?

SusieQ100 said...

I needed that laugh this morning, thanks!!

Dee said...

Thanks for that. By the way, you owe me a coffe and a keyboard.

Gauss said...

Auch.

I also like the tags attached to this post... Who'd have thought they would ever go together?

Anonymous said...

Very Funny

Kelly said...

Thank you for the advice, and for the laugh. I think I will be getting weird looks all day as I expect this will keep me giggling off and on whenever I think of it.

Evelyn said...

Thanks for the warning.

Evelyn said...

Ok, after reading this post, I go to the next blog and read the term "light fingering" and now it sounds so dirty!

Suzanne said...

That is always good information. Miss Manners has nothing on you.

Lorna's Laces said...

OK, my day is complete.

Timmie said...

lmao no fingering!

Anonymous said...

What long arms you must have!

Liz said...

As someone at I Knit said last night, as the post circulated on an iPhone - even if you did it in British, "4 ply my ass" would probably also be subject to misinterpretation by non-knitters...

la takahashi said...

LOL

Andrea said...

*Snort*

Angie said...

Saw you at Stitches and Kinneared you. That isn't wierd is it? :)

toni in florida said...

I feel sorry for all the hopeful fellas who thought that exclamation was the first clause of a sentence, rather than an expression of disbelief all in itself! Too funny, sir.

Fiber Ninja said...

Iced tea with lemon is not particularly refreshing via your nasal passages.

Krista Jo said...

Reminds me of the time I told the guy carving the ham to "pork me". Sigh.

Dina said...

I needed that giggle today

KellyD said...

Great. I just spewed iced tea all over my monitor. Thanks Franklin

Gail (nosenabook) said...

oh, dear.

VCFibers said...

Bwah ha ha! I wish I had been there!

Paddy said...

You rock!

Cindy AKA ChessWidow said...

I read this yesterday and laughed hysterically... DH didn't get it at all... *sigh* I needed a good laugh and came back to read it again today and it worked! This has to be my all time favorite blog -- ever!!! Love you, Franklin!

Ann said...

Ok, now you've done it! DiscoDame (my lovely DD) read this, and has decided this must be our new "catch phrase". Now I know I'll never see grandchildren. Thanks, Franklin!!

MIB said...

I have to tell you, I relayed this story to my husband and he spent the rest of the weekend exclaiming "fingering my ass" at random intervals while a) working on the barn addition, b) eating lunch, c) trying to update our web site, etc. I think we've created a monster.

(As a side note, I'm just beginning to bend him to the fibery ways: "Honey, I think you'd be really great at spinning. Your attention to detail, patience, and perfectionism would be a great match for this." Now he's bought Icelandic sheep and said to me this weekend "I really want to start spinning." HA! Now when he complains about how much yarn I buy, I can tell him to make me some, instead.)

Kathleen said...

Ah.

Oh dear.

Cathy said...

Franklin you just.......... ............leave me speechless with laughter!

Carrie #K said...

I can see where it'd be hard to resist.

And it's such a nice way to get a little more room around you.

Anonymous said...

Reminds me of the time I read about Fanny's Farmhouse Yarns on Rav, and googled "Fanny's Fingering" - oh! what google came up with! I blush to remember!

Michelle F said...

Funniest thing I have ever read! Re-told it at my knitting group!
A lurker

Anonymous said...

snork

Deb Barnhill said...

Best. Post. Ever.

Alex said...

Could not agree with Ms Barnhill more - absolutely the best post ever!!

Marie said...

see, this is why I love you! You say things that we're already thinking, but never thought to say out loud!!!

Anonymous said...

OMG. I adore you. Hilarious.

Just when I thought your Tim Gunn TP-cozy post could never be topped... here you are.

Becky Morgan said...

BWAHAHAHAHA! Good thing I'd swallowed my Pepsi before I read that. (snerk)

lorrwill said...

Also add, do not read late at night when you have a loud laugh.

I am going to be giggling about this for awhile.

Thistle Creek Photography said...

Thank you for the laugh!

Yarn Dependent Me said...

Is it just the "coffee shop" setting in which this is not okay? Or should I be cautious to use this one in other situations as well?

that girl n said...

The Boy, on my trying to explain yarn weights to him, inquired with the most serious of expressions, "So, fingering - that's called four-ply in Australia?"

Agen Bola said...


Wow! Thank you! I always needed to write on my site something like that. Can I take a fragment of your post to my blog?

Cozy Knitting said...

Shopping without my list is difficult in the grocery aisles. I resort to talking out loud-"Do I need vinegar? What about mayonnaise? Oh-I need bread." The other morning I was cruising along with my cart, when a very young employee eyed me wandering around and muttering along. He finally came up and very quietly asked, "Are you okay ma'am?" The interruption of my thoughts was exasperating, but I said, "I forgot my list. I have to talk out loud." He walked off very quickly, and I saw him later talking to someone else and staring. Wait until he gets older.