Present in body:
- Dolores Van Hoofen
- Franklin Habit
- Harry Bollasockyarn (secretary)
DVH: Yo, ghosties! Speak to me!
FMH: Dolores, the instruction book says spirits won’t show up if you don’t take it seriously.
DVH: Right. I don’t understand why you can’t just post these questions in the “I’d Fuck Herbert Niebling to Get Free Patterns” group on Ravelry.
FMH: Because whenever possible, I prefer to get my answers direct from the source. Even if he’s dead.
DVH: Harry, let the record show that Franklin has been huffing the Eucalan again.
FMH: If you have something better to do today, I can call Mrs. Teitelbaum.
DVH: Or you could wait for Fred and Velma to drive up in the Mystery Machine.
FMH: Are we doing this or not?
DVH: We are. We are. Fine. Just let me top up my tea. More tea, Harry.
HB: One olive or two?
DVH: Olives? Am I having breakfast?
FMH: Put your damn hoof on the damn pointer.
FMH: And no pushing it.
DVH: Oh, please. I want this thing to work so I can ask Elizabeth Zimmermann a few choice questions.
FMH: I am the one asking the questions. You are sitting quietly and not pushing.
DVH: Whatever you say, Professor Dumbledore.
FMH: Alrighty. [cough] Ahem. Um...Testing. One, two, three.
DVH: Is this a séance or are you addressing a knitting guild?
FMH: Hoof on pointer. Mouth shut.
FMH: Now. Are there any spirits with us in the room?
[Pointer moves to YES.]
DVH: Holy crap.
FMH: Are you pushing it?
DVH: Sir, your accusation wounds me.
FMH: Spirit, tell us, what is your name?
[Pointer spells out ABRAHAM LINCOLN.]
DVH: Hot. I like tall guys with facial hair.
AL: THANK YOU KINDLY
DVH: Is your crazy wife in the room, too, or may I speak frankly?
AL: SHE ALWAYS GETS HER HAIR DONE ON THURSDAY AFTERNOONS WONT BE BACK FOR TWO HOURS
DVH: Ooh. So…what are you wearing?
AL: YOURE A SAUCY THING, PRETTY MISS
DVH: Oh, go on, you big lug. [giggles]
AL: DID YOU EVER HEAR THE ONE ABOUT THE NAUGHTY EWE AND THE PREACHERS SON
FMH: I hate to interrupt, Mr. Lincoln, but we’re wondering if there’s a guy named Herbert Niebling floating around there by any chance?
AL: IS HE A WEIRD GERMAN WHO KNITS DOILIES ALL THE TIME
FMH: That would be him.
AL: HANG ON A SEC
[Brief silence. Pointer moves to SHUT UP, I’M COUNTING.]
FMH: Quiet, it’s moving again.
HN: THIS IS NIEBLING WHO THE HELL ARE YOU
FMH: Mr. Niebling, sir, oh my gosh...My name’s Franklin and I’m a knitter, and I really love your work. I just started knitting one of your patterns for the first time. It’s so much fun–and so beautiful. Gosh, I can’t believe I’m actually talking to you!
HN: FOR THIS YOU INTERRUPT MY SOAP OPERA
FMH: Oh. I’m sorry.
HN: IS OK WE HAVE TIVO
FMH: Whew. So can I ask you some questions about the doily?
HN: WHICH ONE IS IT
FMH: The piece with the gloxinia blossoms from Gestrickte Spitzendecken.
HN: WTF IS A GLOXINIA
FMH: Well, I think they’re gloxinia blossoms. Maybe they’re daffodils?
DVH: I thought they were petunias.
HN: MAYBE INSTEAD OF ME YOU PEOPLE SHOULD BOTHER A DEAD HORTICULTURIST
FMH: Honestly, the type of flower doesn’t matter. I just wanted to ask you about the funky maneuver on round 60.
HN: FUNKY UNUSUAL OR FUNKY LIKE JAMES BROWN
FMH: I mean “unusual.”
HN: NOBODY EVER COMPARES ME TO JAMES BROWN
FMH: I’m sorry. So, about the triple yarn over–
HN: I COULD HAVE BEEN VERY FUNKY YOU KNOW
FMH: I’m sure you could have, but–
HN: I WANTED TO JOIN HANS BREUER AND HIS HANOVERIAN SWEETHEARTS OF POLKA JAZZ BUT MAMA HAD A CONNIPTION WHEN I TOLD HER AND SHE LOCKED ME IN THE CELLAR WITH ONLY A CRUST OF BREAD AND A PIECE OF COLD SAUERBRATEN
FMH: That’s…sad. But–
HN: PEOPLE THINK GERMANS HAVE NO SOUL BUT LET ME TELL YOU WHEN I HAD A COUPLE OF STEINS UNDER MY BELT I COULD MAKE THAT ACCORDION SWING LIKE A CHEAP HOOKER ON A WINDY PLAYGROUND
DVH: Now we’re getting somewhere interesting.
FMH: Please, Mr. Niebling, do you think we could talk about lace?
HN: ALL I EVER GET TO TALK ABOUT IS LACE DONT YOU WANT TO HEAR ME PLAY THE ACCORDION
HB: I do! I love the accordion! Do you know “Lady of Spain?”
HN: THATS ONE OF MY PARTY PIECES
HB: Oh boy!
HN: THIS IS NICE FOR A CHANGE ALL ANYBODY EVER WANTS ME TO TALK ABOUT IS THOSE FRIGGING DOILIES
DVH: Personally I wouldn’t mind hearing more about the hooker in the wind.
FMH: Honestly, Mr. Niebling, it’s just a quick question about the triple yarn over in Round 60.
HN: GOTT IN HIMMEL IS HE ALWAYS LIKE THIS
DVH: Pretty much.
HN: IM SO SORRY
FMH: I think we’re finished, here.
DVH: Wait a sec. Hey, Herbie–is Elizabeth Zimmermann there by any chance?
HN: WE JAM TOGETHER TONIGHT AT 7 SHE REALLY WAILS ON THAT BASS GUITAR MAYBE YOU WOULD CARE TO SIT IN
DVH: I could clear my schedule. You need a singer?
FMH: I feel that I have become superfluous to this conversation.
HN: YOUR LITTLE BALD FRIEND THERE IS A BUZZKILL
DVH: You don’t know the half of it.
HN: HEY HOW ABOUT AS A JOKE I GET THIS POLTERGEIST BUDDY OF MINE TO BUST IN ON HIM WHEN HES TAKING A SHOWER
DVH: That would be a scream. You should totally do that.
FMH: Hello! Hello! Still in the room!
[And then Franklin threw the board at the wall, so I don’t think we will be having another séance real soon.]