Sunday, March 30, 2008

No Place Like Home

DT: Saturday, March 29, 2008
Subject: I think there will be a party

Hi I know you are busy I just wanted to let you know I think Dolores is going to have some kind of party while you are gone even though you said she was not allowed, I think so because just after you left this guy showed up at the door with a guitar case and tattoos on his face and he smells like Pabst Blue Ribbon and he said Hi I'm Snake where do we set up. Dolores told me he is here for a meditation group but I am not sure she is telling the truth. Please dont say I told you because you know how she gets.

DT: Saturday, March 29, 2008
Subject: Please advise.

Dolores, who is "Snake" and what is he doing in my apartment?

DT: Saturday, March 29, 2008
Subject: Re: Please advise.

Relax, cupcake. Snake is just his old prep school nickname from Groton. We know each other from my faculty days at Vassar. His specialty is viral marketing I've invited him to meet with my campaign managers to discuss party strategy and discuss the efficacy of new versus traditional media in the current political environment.

I see I must speak sternly to naughty little Harry about his tendency to exaggerate and jump to conclusions. Tsk, tsk.

DT: Saturday, March 29, 2008
Subject: Let me repeat myself.

Leave Harry alone.

If this "marketing discussion" results in a visit from the police, there's going to be hell to pay when I get home. No parties. 

And I thought you told me you were on the faculty at Johns Hopkins.

DT: Saturday, March 29, 2008
Subject: Re: Let me repeat myself.

I find your inferences insulting and unworthy of further note.

DT: Saturday, March 29, 2008
Subject: I am so mad!!

Hi I left my copy of The Witch of Blackbird Pond in the bedroom and I was just getting to a good part and now Snake and Dolores have been in there with the door locked for like four hours and they keep giggling a lot and then he was playing Free Bird and she was singing so loud the concierge came up and pounded on the door and I had to answer and I am so mad!!! Please call Dolores and tell her to get out of the bedroom I want my book!!!!!!!!!!

DT: Saturday, March 29, 2008
RE: Sorry I missed your call!

Hello, you sexy thing. I'm so sorry I missed your call. Snake and I were just discussing the lessons to be drawn from Reagan's last campaign. We were in the middle of a role playing scenario (I was Margaret Thatcher) and my goodness, it got so intense I didn't even hear the phone ring.

I checked voicemail but there was so much static I'm afraid what you were saying wasn't clear. Do call again if it was important. Also, please tell Harry to stop interrupting us. I left plenty of food in the refrigerator and gave them all money to go to the movies. I think he's miffed at not being included in the meetings. So immature.

I hope you're having a lovely time with your dear grandmother. Won't you please give her my best? :-) :-) :-)

DT: Saturday, March 29, 2008
Subject: Now I am really mad!!!!!

Dolores is out of the bedroom now but she locked all of us in here and Snake is out in the living room and I hear a drummer and lots of other people and they are playing Fight for Your Right to Party and I just heard something break I think it was the kitchen table. Can you please call Dolores again and tell her to let us out I have to pee and we wanted to go see No Country for Old Men at the Cineplex. THIS IS NOT FAIR!!!!!!

DT: Saturday, March 29, 2008
RE: Hang tight.

I called the front desk. Somebody should be there in a few minutes to break up the party and let you out of the bedroom. Go ahead and take some money from the secret drawer in the base of the bust of Meg Swansen so you and the guys can get some pizza after the movie, okay? And leave Dolores alone, I'll deal with her when I get home.

DT: Saturday, March 29, 2008
RE: We are going to the movies yay

Hi buddy! We are going to the movies and the guys all say thank you for the pizza! But the concierge is on the sofa with no pants on doing the funky chicken with Dolores and Snake's band is playing Let's Get It Started but I think they already got it started because wait until you see what happened to the carpet, ewww gross :-(

I hope you are having fun in Pennsylvania!!!!!


Loquacious Chase said...

My head is a little fuzzy this morning, but I think I might have been at that party last night. I know, for sure, that there was a guy with a face tattoo, and he looked like he would have answered to "Snake". And there is a strange burning sensation coming from my ankle, which could be either brush-burn or a new tattoo. I'm afraid to look.

Glenna C said...

BRILLIANT. Thank you so much for the good laugh. And thank you for including Harry too, I sometimes miss hearing about him. (I hope that's not wrong) ;)

Paul said...


Excellent! I'm so glad Harry and his friends finally got to go to the movies. I was getting a little worried... LOL!

muoriska said...

It seems that you don't have a dull moment in your life. Thanks to Dolores..

Sandra said...

I think I dated Snake in early university days...
I'd have the carpet pulled up before returning home...

Norma said...

You are INSANE. And I love it.

no-blog-rachel said...

You know I've been fantasizing about raising my own sheep, but now I'm not so sure. Do Alpaca tend to behave better?

Kat said...

Oy, Dolores - I think I have the doorman's pants here!

Bobbi said...

Time to send for Augie (the Boxer Bouncer)!!

Sharon Rose said...

If you look at GoogleEarth you can actually SEE the party. Sorry I missed it.

Anonymous said...

Franklin, are you quite sure there is no place like home? Perhaps you should stay at your grandmother's for a little longer! :O)
[Such a giggle!]
-- artnitter

sloth-knits said...

Awesome! That made my morning.

Corwink said...

Hysterical!! I love it!

Ginaagain said...

And I thought it was dangerous to leave my teenagers alone. You are a brave man Franklin.

Salvital said...

Franklin I'm not sure that Harry should be going to see 'no country for old men' - I think it will give him nightmares.

Anonymous said...

'Go ahead and take some money from the secret drawer in the base of the bust of Meg Swansen'....
that image made my day...

p2sso said...

What a hoot. That Dolores. Reminds me of my older sister -- in a good way of course. Turns every gathering into a party.

dale-harriet said...

Say - tell Dolores, as her satellite campaign manager here in Wisconsin, if there's party discussion going on I should at least be linked by Skypes or whatever they call it. I've organized the shopping-cart brigade to take skeins to the polls if they can't get there any other way, and I'm working the phone tree too. (I'm only in Madison - you want I should go look in? I have another book for Harry ("Rascal" by Sterling North) and even Dolores might respond to a proper Jewish Bubbeh. Maybe.

toni in florida said...

When I grow up, I want to BE Dolores!

Captain said...

Hoooo boy. The horizontal Funky Chicken: so not an image I needed in my head.

MonicaPDX said...

Knowing Dolores and how long that party could last... Ah, what day did you say you were getting home? I need to know if it's worth looking into quick round-trip ticket. I figure Harry and the guys might like to meet my STR Hard Rock, too. Does Dolores keep Margarita supplies on hand?

Sweet Camden Lass said...

I am irresistably reminded of my Guides. "Leave X alone!" is a constant refraine. Dolores would fit right in with them ;-)


Bronchitkat said...

Oh yes. Sooo thankful that when our two were teenagers they went to parties at other people's houses.

At least we kept the carpets & furniture (more or less) intact.

KnitNana said...

I like Harry. And I like that you try to protect him.
Dolores...well, what are we to do, those of us who want a fibery future for this country?
(We have to put up with the negatives in our leaders to get the positives, right?)
(and btw...I love how you describe your grandmother's home in Saturday's post...I think I was raised in one that was very similar!)

Lyda said...

Oh, I love Harry so much! I'll take him out for a movie and pizza anytime.

I'm still voting for Delores. We haven't had a really rockin' party president in way too long.

Janice said...

Oh I loved today's entry. And I love a sheep who knows what she wants and goes for it. But Harry just is the sweetest thing ever. So innocent. I am glad you treated him to pizza and a movie with his friends. What a good guy you are !!

Alwen said...

Vassar? Johns Hopkins. OMGWAL.

That was Dolores in the dorm room next to mine when I was at Michigan State. Cow college, hah! Can you say "party college with sheep"?

I could never listen to Adrian Belew's "Sexy Rhino" again after that.

Kristen said...

Thank you for reinforcing my decision not to have children. (Albeit in a roundabout and hilarious fashion). {shudder}

Liz said...

Sofa king funny! If they had email when my sisters & I were teenagers, this is what the thread would have looked like that time my parents went to Kentucky for the weekend.

Kathleen said...

"The Witch of Blackbird Pond"!!! One of my favorite high school books! Awesome!

katerina said...

AhaahaaaHAAAA. I love it. Simply love it. I'm still giggling.

Anonymous said...

Change the names and that could be about my neighbors teenagers.


camillaknits said...

Hmmm...Harry is a bit of a tattler. Perhaps someone should tell him that unless someone is in mortal peril, or has a bone sticking out of their skin, his fuzzy lips should stay shut. Ol' girl is just trying to have herself a love life. Perhaps Dolores should keep a sticky lint roller laying about... as a sort of warning for Mr. Persnickity Party-Pooper.

TSmith said...

As a long-time Panopticon lurker this is my first gentle comment:
Is it not time to put Deloris under the clippers?
It seems she is just too hot.
I have friend, a reincarnated Amazon of a woman, who shears for a living and is quite up to the task of providing you your long-awaited pound of roving.
Just asking.
(Don't let Deloris read this!)

Rosi G. said...

Too effin funny!!! LOL

May said...

Just a note from a usually-quiet reader to say I LOVED this post.

RuTemple said...

There's something slightly wrong with this community that no one's rushed right out to register on your behalf.
I plead poverty, but would love to see it.

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