Friday, April 06, 2007

Dolores Announces

Hi, it's Dolores.

What a freakin' week, cupcakes. Not only have rehearsals for my upcoming revue at the Lucky Horseshoe kicked into high gear, but I have big news about some other new projects.

First: the Boss has finally agreed to launch Dolores Bébés, my new line of clothing for the Very Young and Impressionable. Check out the shop for designs and details. It's never too early to expose your children to a positive role model, so spend lavishly. Furthermore, I get a cut of the profits and I need not remind you that Virginia Slims don't come free.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

Second: response to my call for questions has been, in a word, tremendous.

I knew the world was full of troubled souls, I just didn't know so many of them read this blog. Harry got emotionally overwhelmed trying to screen the letters and so I'm sending him to Branson, Missouri for a couple of days to chill out and maybe catch a few shows. (Ever since he discovered Franklin's hidden stash of Donny and Marie bootlegs, he's been a big fan of the Osmonds.)

Now I've read your cries for help, and I've decided there's too much good stuff for just a blog entry. Would Oprah settle for a blog entry? Would Dr. Phil be content with 200 measly words? Would those smug bitches on "The View" consider the humble written word a suitable outlet for their messages of hope and goodwill?

Me neither.

The networks don't seem to be returning calls this week, so I've decided to sidestep them and pour forth my wisdom via a Podcast to be produced by the newly-formed Dolores Van Hoofen Omnimedia. I've taken a leaf out of Barbra's book and designated myself producer, director, and star. I'm trying to get Sondheim to write me a love theme, but he doesn't seem to be returning calls either. What's the matter, Stephen? You still sulking in your tent over Bounce?

I guess maybe I would be, too.

28 comments:

Sean said...

OMG, during my visit there was no evidence of Donny and Marie. I feel so deprived. I LOVE me my Marie! And I'm STILL waiting for her collection to be available from iTunes. OH to travel to work listening to "Meet Me in Montana!"

I'm sooo jealous of this bootleg collection! Lucky boy, that Franklin!

MonicaPDX said...

Mon petit chou! (Yes. Yes, I had to look it up. My two years of HS French did not include sweet nothings. Verdammt.) I swear, you and the Boss are positively evil, because those clothes give me an urge to pull out the debit card and buy something. And I don't even know anyone with a baby. Or about to have a baby. Or planning a baby. And at my age, I'm not about to go about producing my first as an excuse to buy, trust me. But boy, can I see you coming to the rescue of desperate knitters who've missed a deadline. ;)

And a podcast? Words fail... No, wait, I've got it! Nom d'un nom d'un nom d'un nom! (Thank you, Georgette Heyer.)

Christa Giles said...

Wheee! Can't wait to hear the podcast.. and am tempted to submit a theme song for your consideration :)

(so far, the tune in my head sounds like a Tom Jomes-ey 'Delores')

Shannon said...

Hurray! Podcast! I cannot wait. Oh, and I must put in my request now to interview you & D for The Knitgrrl Show! ;)

Sean said...

UPDATE

found the lbum on iTunes!!

christine (threedogknits) said...

Dolores - don't tell anyone, but Donny and Marie (and the Osmond brothers I'll have you know) was my first concert ever. At the Indiana State Fair. When I was about seven years old. I just looked at your fabulous CafePress selections. My dear, are you wearing a pretty pink thong?! Lovely.

Grumpy said...

Yoooo! Podcast! Well done Dolores.

twig said...

Why does the idea of a podcast scare me?

David said...

The Rapture can't come soon enough.

Angie said...

I knew a Podcast was in the cards. I can't WAIT!

Anna-Liza said...

Oh my word. Those baby clothes are incredibly tempting.

It may be a good thing that mine are too big for onesies now. If any of my friends make "interesting announcements" soon (couldn't resist now that Ms Heyer's been invoked), I'll be pulling out the credit card!

Joy said...

Oh oh...

Mel said...

So, what I want to know is whether Franklin's a little bit country or a little bit rock & roll.

GailB said...

This is going to be so big...

Carol said...

If I were Dolores on a podcast, who would I sound like?

Phyllis Diller?
Linda Richman?
Fran Drescher?
Divine?

The mind boggles.

Moorecat said...

I'm thinking a cross between Eartha Kitt and Noel Coward.....

Knitting Addict said...

YEAH!! Best news I've heard in quite some time! Can't wait for the first one!! WTG, Dolores! We've been begging for quite some time -- now all you have to do is convince the boss to make some things available for us not so small viewers, please?

The baby stuff is adorable, but I don't have human kids and I am sure if I tried to put the Bean in one of those outfits, she would do to me what you would do to F if he tried to put them on you. I don't think it would be too pretty!

Please do keep us informed, I cannot wait to hear your voice ;) or his which ever the case may be!

Sharon J said...

Finally. The world according to Dolores. (blissful sigh)

angie Cox said...

Oh darn the menopause I want a baby just to strut it's stuff in "Dolores" ( surely a must have for babies).

April said...

"Dolores Van Hoofen Omnimedia."

Tea. out. the. nose.

C.A. Young said...

If Harry's driving, tell him he's welcome to stop over in Columbia on his way back. That's a long-ass drive.

Jennifer said...

I can't tell you how thrilled the thought of a podcast makes me! I LOVED yoru guest spots on COWBD!
This will undoubtably help me get over the trauma I recently remembered regarding my (and my sisters) childhood Donnie & Marie dolls. Tami stole my Donnie's purple glitter socks and in answer I cut off all of Marie's hair!

This should help heal the pain!

Liz said...

Ack! The kiddie stuff only goes to a 4T. I vote there be a child's (as opposed to baby/toddler) sized version of the Itchy Lamb. And a cartoon of the kid sheep watching the parent sheep knit and saying, "Is that for me or for you?" Because I'm no longer allowed to knit for me, only for The Dictator.

Wily Jeneric said...

Oh, my. A podcast by Dolores? Simply fantastic. But what will she sound like?!

(what with the podcast and the Yarn Harlot advertising your Patented Guided Tours of Chicago (including the optional trip through the American Girl Store) how do you manage to hold down a job, knit and take photographs?)

Karen said...

OMG! How did it take me so long to find your blog? I'm having the best time reading about you and Dolores! I met Stephanie in Ann Arbor and had the best time there.

I'll be back for more reading.

Ina said...

Delores, dear, that touch of red-violet is perfection, as singular as you are!

lla said...

china wholesale
cell phones
mobile phone
cheap cell phones wholesale

www.orense-3d.com said...

I saw so much useful data in this post!