Friday, September 22, 2006

Scena Domestica

One hates to make premature judgements, and so I've waited until now to give you an update on the state of household since Dolores returned from her run with the biker gang.

We've already had a tussle over the ban on cigarettes. She attempted to cover the scent of half a pack of Virginia Slims by burning a whole box of my Japanese temple incense. I came home to find the apartment smelling like a klatsch of chain-smoking Buddhist nuns. Words were exchanged.

All missing and damaged books have been replaced, although the new edition of Kiss of the Whip (revised and expanded) already seems to have been nibbled on. I may have to invest in a small, locking case for certain types of literature.

Most surprising: her capable and even enthusiastic wrangling of the sock yarn colony. The fifty unruly skeins and balls seem to have brought out her long-dormant motherly instincts. The rabble has become quite docile, following her in two straight lines for daily jaunts to Lincoln Park and on field trips to the Adler Planetarium and the Field Museum.

Field Trip

At night, she corrals them neatly before retiring to her cushion with a copy–certainly not mine–of How to Talk to Yarn So Yarn Will Listen and Listen So Yarn Will Talk.

And imagine my surprise when I returned home to find the following note taped to my desk:

The boys and I would be so pleased if you would join us in the living room at eight o'clock for a little surprise. Jacket and tie requested.

Suitably attired, I sat down on the sofa promptly at eight and Dolores entered, followed as usual by her crocodile of sock yarns. They arranged themselves neatly in two rows on the rose in the middle of the carpet, and then Dolores cleared her throat and blew an A on her harmonica.

"Laaaaaaaaaaaa," sang the balls of sock yarn.

There followed a short concert of traditional American favorites, including "Wait 'Til the Sun Shines, Nellie," "Home on the Range," and "Buffalo Gals, Won't You Come Out Tonight." In four part harmony. With choreography.

Ball Band

I applauded vigorously and was rewarded with "Where the Streets Have No Name" (D. Van Hoofen, harmonica soloist) as an encore.

It was all so touching I was dabbing at tears as the company took its final bow and the yarn rolled into the kitchen for light refreshments.

"Nu?" said Dolores. "Did you enjoy?"

"I'm overwhelmed," I said. "I thought I was harboring Belle Watling and here you turn out to be Maria Von Trapp."

"What a nice, and incredibly gay, thing to say."

"Well, I mean every sweet, homosexual word of it."

"That's swell, cupcake. Can I have fifty-three dollars?"

"Fifty-three?"

"It's dollar beer night at the Lucky Horsehoe. I told the boys you'd underwrite the cast party. And I'll need a couple extra singles to put into Julio's thong."

See, the thing about lasting change is, it's gradual.

51 comments:

Sharon Rose said...

I know you hear this all the time, but I'm so in love with you. :)

Sean said...

One has to amdire the knack for understatement. It's a rare talent.

"Words were exchanged."

Delicious.

Darci said...

Irish Whiskey and your entry...what a great Friday night!

twig said...

You are a strange, strange man. *laugh*

I can't wait to hear of Dolores' next exploit.

Ev said...

Ball Band??? Love it, love it, love it!

My yarn does nothing but whine, waiting it's turn for my attention.

Trope said...

BWAH!!! I'm with Darci, this entry is just the thing to come home to on a Friday night. I really hope the "ball band" illustration goes up in CafePress, 'cause I love it! Thanks.

giddybug said...

Definitely a perfect way to end my Friday night. I'm loving the Ball Band illustration, too.

Anonymous said...

"A klatch of chain-smoking Buddhist nuns."

God bless you, Franklin. Whichever one you want.

And all hail the return of Dolores!

Heather

Anne said...

Long dormant motherly instincts... well knock me over with a feather!

KnitMongrel said...

Just when I think my love for you could grow no more... by the way, did you ever read "Make Way For Ducklings"? Seriously. Check it out. Even if only to glance at the cover on Amazon... you've got your own harem, Franklin. What I want to know is: did the ball band sing "So Long, Farewell" as they slowly and sleepily ascended the grand staircase? That would've induced my tears, for sure.

Isela: Purling Sprite said...

ha! thanks for my Friday night laughs. You are terrrific!
Dolores--don't let him change ya--you rock grll.

MonicaPDX said...

::whimper-snort::

Ok, I wanna... something. Something that says, "I love Franklin." None of this heart-stuff. Although if symbology were to be used, then probably the most suitable sentiment would be a-- ball band. Oh, dear. The opportunities for a loss of decorum just truly abound, don't they?

LaurieM said...

I couldn't help but wonder what kind of filth the balls of sock yarn are picking up, and if they are starting to wear, from rolling around everywhere. I was thinking you may have to wash them before knitting.

But once they started singing, I relized you can never knit them into socks now.

Carol said...

One of your best yet.

Dianna said...

Priceless. And for the rest of the balls of socks in the world, there is Mastercard. Thank you.

Elizabeth said...

My only complaint is that it is too difficult to explain to non-knitters why I'm laughing so hard that I'm crying.

Spinneret said...

"In order for things to remain the same, there will have to be some changes made."
I believe that's the Marquis de Sade.
Lock the books away.

Anonymous said...

do they do weddings and bar mitzvahs? you could make up that fifty-three bucks rather quickly.
- wendy, the fearless pedestiran

pacalaga said...

You know, for all that daycare and the evening's entertainment, I'd say $53 is pretty cheap.
Ball band. Oy.

Joanna said...

So you ever sleep? Or is your mind always working on such wonderful, sweet, funny stories! All Hail Delores and the Ball Band .... I'm ready for a repeat performance any time. I'm surprised Delores didn't dress as a nun for the show though .... I guess she can only go so far towards reformation?

canknitian said...

The part that really got me was "Suitably attired, I sat down on the sofa promptly at eight and Dolores entered, followed as usual by her crocodile of sock yarns."

Even after everything you've been through with Ms. Hoofen you are a paragon of politesse.

Je t'adore.

Marcy said...

Maria von Hoofen? Dolores von Trapp? Did the Ball Band sing "My Favorite Things?" No socks, but there are mittens in it. :D

Sue F, said...

When I read the line about two straight lines I thought there would be a Madeleine tie-in, but I didn't see a wimple on Dolores...

Cheryl said...

you are just so silly, and I love it.

Rogue Knitter said...

I thought I was ready for anything you might write - but I was wrong. I am still wiping tears of delight from my eyes at the thought of the ball band renditions of American classics... Would that my sock yarns had a voice coach.

Mary B said...

Thank you for resurrecting (or perpetuating) the fine art of wordplay, humor ala Ogden Nash, and the fostering of delicious imagination. No wonder we all believe Dolores is real. She is, isn't she????? And now the Ball Band. Oy vey. Mary B

JoVE said...

I was thinking that if the Ball Band sing carols, they'd look good on a winter holidy season card.... Not sure if Cafe Press is the best place to do that sort of thing of if you want to go to a printer and get a bunch done but just saying.

Anonymous said...

Dolores is not as slutty as Belle Watling, nor is she as squeaky clean as Maria Von Trapp.

I envision her as Mae West - a good girl who only appears bad to the naked eye.

That being said, rock on Dolores! Hope you copped a feel as you inserted those dollar bills into Julio's thong.

anne marie in philly

Ruth said...

Love love love the Ball Band!

PuppyMomma said...

Its the sock yarn version of Madeline!

--Deb said...

"Ball Band." I love it!!

LindaD said...

You (and Dolores) make me laugh and/or think every day. You have a wonderful way with words, Franklin.
Thanks!

kmkat said...

That post had so many wonderful bits it makes it hard to choose a favorite, but mine has to be "...the daily jaunts to Lincoln Park and...field trips to the Adler Planetarium and the Field Museum."

I picture the ball and skeins each holding onto a string of yarn, just like preschoolers do their field trips.

Anonymous said...

Will they card the wool when it gets to the Lucky Horseshoe?

d2 said...

'See, the thing about lasting change is, it's gradual.' I'm laughing so hard, the tears are rolling down my cheeks. 'Words were exchanged.' More laughter/tears.

You are a true word smith.

Dolores, welcome back sweetie!

jayne said...

Thank you for yet more delight, Franklin. It all reminds me of a line from the movie Finding Neverland.

"It's just a bit of silliness, really."

Paul said...

EXCELLENT!

Hehehehe.....

KnitNana said...

Methinks Dolores is hearing the tick-tock of her biological clock -Mother Nature has a way of kicking us in the pants when we least expect it! LOLOL - Long-dormant instincts, indeed...

LOVE IT!
(((hugs)))

wendy Steinbach said...

I did not realize that Dolores is Jewish?! Or does she just have a penchant for Yiddish slang??!

Wish my sock yarn sang...

Wendy in Ottawa

Laura A. said...

Do let us know what happens when you use one of the balls of sock yarn. I am thinking it might get ugly...

Buzz said...

Shouldn't that be "Where The Sheep Have No Names" by U Tooooooooooooo?

Bells said...

I've only just arrived. I feel like I'm very late to a party everyone else knew about.

You are delightful.

My blog bows down in complete adoration, mixed with a strong dose of unworthiness.

Mary Peed said...

(snort) Ball Band... that's a good one. But I need to remember to not drink coffee while reading your blog. Coffee thru the nose HURTS.

David said...

I would add my voice to the chorus of admirers, but I ate six pieces of chocolate last night and I think you know who is to blame.

Leeny said...

~sigh~ That was sweet and delicious! Love, love, love it! :)

marcia in austin said...

That Franklin. He's a dedicated knitter, and he also spins a great yarn.

Wendy said...

I've lurked on your site for so long it seems weird to comment but ... I very nearly shot Dr. Pepper out of my nose reading your latest account of Dolores' exploits with "the boys" ...

Jay said...

Do we actually get to see a picture of Julio in this infamous thong!?

Krista McCurdy said...

I'm in love with you too. Too bad you live in Chicago and are gay. Never mind. I can live in denial. (Just kidding. I just want to say that your blog makes me laugh out loud, often, something that is extremely rare. Rock on.)

FiberQat said...

Dolores is a fine example of the cool aunt in the family that has all these marvelous adventures and has no children but reappears to take the nieces and nephews away from the exhausted parents and returns them chattering away about the fabulous time they had at (insert cool location here) and learned a song about shaving cream (be nice and clean...shave every day and you'll always look keen).

BTW did you know that knitting abbreviations make good passwords?

dragon knitter said...

the ball band has to be a t-shirt! please?