Friday, September 08, 2006

I Receive a Delegation

When scurrilous rumors begin to circulate there's so little one can do about it, but I must try to set the record straight. Some persons have suggested that when confronted at Stitches Midwest with great piles of sock yarn in soft fibers and masculine colors, I lost my head and reduced my debit card to a puddle of molten plastic.

Not so.

This, dear readers, is the real reason I now have about fifty balls of assorted sock yarn in my apartment, and since you're reading it here you know it must be true.

It was about eight o'clock at night. I had just curled up on the sofa with a cup of Earl Grey and Framley Parsonage when there was a soft knock at the door.

"My goodness gracious," I thought. "Whoever can it be at this hour?" I threw on my dressing gown so as not to appear immodest and checked my hair in the mirror. When I opened the door, at first I saw nobody.

Then I heard rustling and looked down to find a fuzzy stampede of dozens of balls of sock yarn hustling past my bunny slippers and into the living room.

"Mon dieu!" I said, slipping into French as one often does in such moments. "What in heaven's name is going on?"

The sock yarn gathered in the middle of the rug. We stood, confronting one another, for several seconds before a ball of Regia Silk rolled forward and spoke.

Delegation

"We represent the Manly Yarn Brotherhood Against Loose-Lipped Slurs," said the Regia. "And we have come from all across the United States and Canada to protest your representation of sock yarns as a bunch of spineless pastels. Do not try to resist our demands. You can't lick us."

"You tell 'em, Harry," shouted a skein of Lang Jawoll at the back.

I need hardly say that I was nonplussed.

"What is it that you want from me?" I said.

"A retraction," said the Regia. "Admit in public that you were wrong."

"And pizza," shouted the Lang Jawoll. "We want a pizza."

"With sausage and green pepper," said a ball of Knit Picks.

"Green peppers give me gas," said the Lang Jawoll.

"So take a pill, Mr. Delicate," said the Knit Picks.

"Kiss my ball band," said the Lang.

"Simmer down," said the Regia, "You're getting off-topic."

But it was too late. The Knit Picks and the Lang Jawoll had already got into a tangle, and then several other balls jumped into the fray.

The Regia tried in vain to restore order. Sock yarn was flying all over the place. I retreated to the bedroom to wait out what was perhaps the quietest riot in history. About an hour later a battered skein of Opal merino rolled in and apologized. "It was rough trip," he said. "The guys were pretty wound up."

I told the delegates they were welcome to spend the night and recuperate, and there began my real problem. I can't get them to leave. They've nested in odd corners and small nooks and will not be moved. What's more, against all odds they seem to be multiplying.

I asked the Regia how reproduction is possible in an all-male population.

"Like you wouldn't know," he said, helping himself to another slice of pizza.

95 comments:

SamD said...

Heheheh--Delightful!

badmommy said...

I LOVE you.

MX said...

Oh Franklin, you're wonderful!

Debbie said...

So sock yarn is just like tribbles. That explains a lot.

Jen said...

i don't care what anyone says..punny IS funny

Judy said...

Tribbles, exactly!

KnitMongrel said...

Ok, so I'm cleaning the Diet Coke off the computer screen, wondering if I shouldn't quietly sidle upstairs to the stash and check on my sock yarn. When I hear faint strains of "When You're A Jet" coming from the yarn room, I'll know I'm in trouble. Thanks for the warning.

Silvia said...

Yeah, that Regia Silk is trouble. You can see it in those soulless eyes...

Marcy said...

BWahahahaha! I love your brain, Franklin, truly I do. And who knew yarn could be gay? But, then, why not? :D

Anonymous said...

LMAO here (gigglesnorts)

"say it loud, we're butch and we're proud" - the group's motto.

anne marie in philly

Vicky in Vancouver said...

OK, gigglesnorting wildly over here on the left coast.

Then
"So sock yarn is just like tribbles. That explains a lot. "

Gigglesnort x 2

Laura said...

Thank you. I needed that laugh!!

twig said...

I'm glad to hear the truth about the sock yarn. I can't believe others would have believed the other rumors though.

Emily said...

Excuse me, did you say you checked your *hair* in the mirror?

That almost got by me...

Brilliant. Thanks for the laugh.

Steph said...

May I borrow your story if the need to explain all the fibre in the house arises?

"Really, it just followed me home."

Wystful said...

Sock Yarn - they aren't (stashed away) in the closet anymore! I hope they were appropriately butch colored and not flaming....

Iby said...

MY BALLS? That.is.awesome.

marcia in austin said...

Now, now. Franklin has hair. Just, it's not on the *top* of his head. Beards can get mussed, too.

kmkat said...

Definitely the funniest thing I will read today. And tomorrow. And probably next year. Franklin, you've got to get yourself a peephole in your door. First Dolores, now the sock yarn herd. What will you let in next?

TrickyTricot said...

Dude-

You've lost it. Seriously. Walk away from the light, Carol Ann.

Anonymous said...

I want pizza too!

Too funny!

enallagma9 said...

You're a nut, dear, thank God. Keep it up.

LindaD said...

Franklin, didn't your mom ever tell you not to open the door to strangers??? However, I think your sock yarn's distant relatives, Quilters' Cotton, have moved in here and are multiplying. If you figure out how to make them leave, let me know!
LindaD in Airdrie

Norskybear said...

That's how it all starts, Franklin. You knit one little pair of socks and then, all of a sudden, your stash is dominated by sock yarn and you have no idea how it got there, or how it got to be so bad.

Personally, I saw Franklin with only one gift of Sock Yarn at Stitches Midwest. His story must be true.

Ted said...

I didn't know you drank Earl Grey.

And which hair is it that you checked?

kbsalazar said...

Sock yarn, like sock needles is parthenogenic. Suddenly with no seeming explanation you look over and realize that you've got twice as much as you thought. I think the needles learned it from wire clothes hangers (it's a metal thing); then passed it to the yarn by dint of association.

Still, 50 balls isn't all that much. At the rate of a pair a week, it isn't even a whole year's worth.

Or you can think of it as an investment in future bribes. Either for you (if I'm very good, I get a new pair of silk sox); for other knitters (if YOU'RE very good I'll give you some; or even non-knitters (if you're VERY, VERY good and grovel a bit, I'll knit you a pair).

anneonymousone said...

(peals of laughter) Just what I needed today. Thank you.

But I require an explanation; why don't finished objects multiply in my house the way that the yarn does?

(And I'm sorry to report that I missed the acronym; thanks,iby. What acronym comes to mind from my too-good-to-pass-up verification word: asqqmfo?)

keohinani said...

OH MY GAWD.

you just gave me an orgasm of laughter.

i need to go smoke a cigarette. figuratively speaking, of course.

--Deb said...

"A little wound up." Oh boy, I needed that laugh this afternoon!

What is it with you and wool, anyway? Other people have fleece or sock yarn arrive at their doors in sedate boxes and . . . it's just . . . stuff. You? You get Wool with Attitude . . .

David said...

I believe ever word of this. So does the purple monkey that lives under my bathtub.

Cheryl said...

sorry, but you forgot John 3:16 (on a furry rainbow colored ball)

hugs to you!!

Mary said...

You bring knitting to life. Love you and love your blog and love, love, love your attitude and humor. Thanks for the giggles. Mary

Bev in TN said...

I don't know who I love more...you or Delores. Any plans for a Delores calendar, maybe one of those page a day thingies?

Kathleen said...

Bunny slippers?

mary said...

Hilarious! Do they reproduce at an exponential pace, like Tribbles? Could you please send me 2 reproducing balls of sock yarn, so I can start my own colony? I promise to water and feed them pizza regularly.

Sharon Rose said...

I can attest that the same tribble-like breeding practices occur with classic cars. We started with one... somehow a year later we have 4. I think we have to figure out how to spay/neuter before we can leave them alone in the garage any more: I can't afford to feed them!

Elizabeth said...

Is it like dividing cells? You know, they split and grow into two new yarn balls? Then, 36 hours later, it happens again?

MJ said...

That is usually how it happens at me house too!! The yarn does multiply - only mine is all pink and purple!

LOL you checked your hair in the mirror!! got a giggle out of that one!

have a great weekend!!

Jax said...

Such a Trollope! My dear, what would Mrs. Proudie think?

Taphophile said...

*splutter* my balls? Fab. :D

Anna-Liza said...

I scrolled all the way down before I saw someone else caught the acronym ... M-Y-B-A-L-L-S ... and then "You can't lick us!" about had me on the floor. At work, too.
And then to batter us with puns after that! Geez, Franklin, you punsters have no mercy.

Ryan said...

When will you learn to stop opening your door to things? And just when we thought you had learned your lesson with Dorothy.

Julia said...

You are so funny I am running out of things to say about it. Hysterical.

mindofwinter

sogalitno said...

so when is the book coming out?

(hee hee, but really.you.need.to.write.a.book)

Sara in WI said...

So, is this what I can tell my family happens to my stash? It's not really my fault at all?

Diane said...

Too bad my daughter is all grown up. If she was 3 years old, I'd read your story to her at bedtime.

Smiles to you, Franklin.
Diane

junior_goddess said...

So how much DID you buy at Stitches? HAHAHA!

Good feint, I'll keep it in mind the next time I have to explain my stash.

beadslut said...

"Mon dieu!" I said, slipping into French as one often does in such moments. "What in heaven's name is going on?"

Crying and choking on my wine, thank you very much. My Opal is sussurating in the work basket, trying mightily to denude itself of a ball band that's denying its self expression.

Joanna said...

Oh you made me laugh again ..... Thanks!

Rabbitch said...

Thank you for clearing that up.

I am going to speak to my sock yarn (I typed that as cock yarn ... clearly Dr. Freud is afoot these days, as it were) and tell it to stop multiplying immediately.

Apart from, perhaps, the Lornas Laces. I sort of like that. Oh, and the Regia Silk ...

Linda said...

I'm so happy those balls of yarn sorted out that problem with girly colours.

Laurel said...

As badmommy said "I LOVE you" and I just know, as one person who shouldn't be buying yarn to another, yarn can just barge its way into a home without you being able to do anything about it. You rock, by the way.

Danielle said...

"Kiss my ball band."

OMG-- I laughed so hard at the Lang's conjones that I almost peed in my pants!

At least it sounds like they are less rambunctious that some of your other houseguests.

Anne said...

What are you going to do when Dolores gets home and you have to deal with her AND them? hehehe

wetexit said...

I gotta reiterate badmommy - I LOVE you!

(the way your mind works is just that wee bit scary, too. Of course, THAT is part of your charm as well.)

your loyal fan,

Wet

Paisley said...

Animate wool - what will you come up with next? Thanks for the laughs. Good luck when Dolores gets home.

Helena Handbasket said...

Just remember to keep them away from water, and no matter how much they beg, NEVER NEVER feed them after midnight!

Pink said...

Thank you for spinning that yarn...I am green with envy, I want some sock yarn!

Will Pillage For Yarn said...

I always buy extra sock yarn when I'm at the yarn store, just in case they stop making it and I can't get more. Because you never know. It could happen.

Also, ow my brain. I think you broke it with the laughing.

MonicaPDX said...

Can't breathe from laughing... the expressions on the yarn balls - ok, they're not drawn out, but I can *see* them... the puns... quiet riot (now there's a flashback)... and the comments! Nom d'un nom d'un nom d'un nom!!

And it's official. You and the Yarn Harlot have done it to me. I just ordered 6 balls of Memories sock yarn from KnitPicks, and 2 pr. each circular needles in sizes 2 and 3. I've gone insane simply from reading blog entries by sock knitters, old and new. How do you guys expect me to knit on those teeny needles when I'm laughing like a loon?

(Verification 'shceajd' - this looks like 'shyeahh' in Icelandic or Lapp or something. Is Blogger perhaps not too tightly wrapped?)

Lynne said...

And all this time I thought it was because I kept my sock yarn to close to my angora (rabbit stash), those darn rabbits are teaching yarn how to breed.

Bad, bad bunnies.

Deborah C. said...

Franklin, you are so very sick in the very best way, of course!! I almost wet myself laughing at this one. My sock yarn is multiplying, too, and it's hiding out all over the house now. I keep discovering new caches of it, smirking at me and demanding pizza!

Just Me said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Just Me said...

I have been laughing so hard that My Sweet had to come out to the garden to make sure I haven't injured myself. Thank you for blessing me today!

Instead of multiplying, my yarn often seems to always be one ball short of a project.

Kirsten said...

I'm laughing myself silly! Thank you!

Carrie K said...

So it was basically a diplomatic mission. You are a saint. Just an absolute saint.

marie in florida said...

sock it to me baby?

Angela said...

I believe some of your yarn's compatriots snuck into my car at the WI Sheep and Wool Festival and at The Fold this weekend...I'm ready for them if it starts getting ugly.

Mari said...

The trouble with sock tribbles, they multiple just by looking at them. At least its only 50...I've got over 100 skeins just of opal sock yarn sitting here. the tribbles have three 12x12 cubbies in my yarn room!

Thanks for the giggle!

FiberQat said...

I knew there was a good reason for keeping my sock yarn in its own lockable storage box. They're less likely to multiply when they're confined. They like being close; it gives them a sense of security. When they are spread around, they fear they are alone and multiply like crazy to fill up all that space.

denny Mcmillan said...

Dolores is going to come back SO naked. You know that right? We all want pics of her naked chest now too. To check for stitch markers dude. sheesh.

Bonne Marie said...

PIZZA: breakfast of champions, loved by sock yarn...

Both get a big YUM at my house! :P

paulino brener said...

very funny

Melody said...

Holy crap! ROFLMFAO!!!! That was great...you have the most wonderful sense of humor

Anne on the Jersey Shore said...

Framley Parsonage? Another Trollope fan? Be still my heart.
Regards from the Shore,
anne

mlj1954 said...

Thank God! I went into my stash just yesterday and couldn't believe it. Like where the #$%@ did all this stuff come from. I sure as #$%@ didn't buy it! Its breeding. I knew it. It must be something to do with the lamb genes.

Cathy said...

A possible reason for the oft-reported "mysterious" sock yarn multiplication: Maybe that is where all of the world's "missing" socks go.

Mea said...

NONPLUSSED??!!

I love it! I love that someone out there in real-life can use the word "nonplussed." I just love it! (I hope you aren't feeding that yarn after midnight)

Joy said...

You know, Franklin -- I think I know what the problem is. It's the Earl Grey. Try switching to decaf after 5 p.m, honey, really.

Nelly O said...

I'll just bet you could like myballs if you put your mind to it.

Anonymous said...

You've a filthy mind, you have Franklin. It wants washing out!

Mindy said...

Delurking because that was hilarious!

oh, you know said...

Maybe Anonymous is right. Your mind is filthy, and I'm the person to help you cleanse it. I'll pick up a big ol' coffee table book of Thomas Kinkaid paintings and bring it over to your place with my favorite Yanni cd's. We'll spend an afternoon taking in the beautious work of the painter of light and infuse our minds with the lovely music. Then you can lick . . .

oops

Sean said...

If I had kids, I would tell them that story every night to send them off to a dreamland where self-striping sock yarn cavorts with glee across fields of eyelash yarn...

Darci said...

Great - My students think that I am bizarre as I was giggling at by blackberry between classes today. The vision of the sock yarn having the quietest riot in history is something that would only happen in your appartment.

And the line about the bunny slippers...perfect.

schrodinger said...

One of the BEST - how I got too much yarn stories ever - thank you!

Anonymous said...

When I returned home from work today,I was greeted by... No, it was my beautiful new Franklin Habit Knitting Bag. Now that's something I need about as much as 50 balls (of sock yarn), but in preparation for Rhinebeck it was either that or a pair of pointy specs, a la Delores.

Jude (the Knitting Bag Lady)

Anne said...

I heard someone call Dolores's name today, and my first reaction was to look around for white curls. Unfortunately, the wall between us was too high and I was too short to see if it was 'your' Dolores or not.

debsnm said...

I'm going to use this to justify - er - explain my current sock yarn mania

KnitNana said...

ROFLMAO! Just priceless!
(((hugs)))

Lucia said...

That's funny. All of mine are girls.

Joanne, The Canuck in Colorado said...

Your mind works in weird and wonderful ways! I never know what you're going to come up with next.

Laura said...

Franklin, I might be saying this because I've had too many of my brother's marvelous cocktails, but for the love of humanity, write a novel.

Sahara said...

Franklin, I wanna see "Kiss My Ball Band" on a T-Shirt. If you print one just for me, I'll either pay you, or trade a LARGE CONE of wool/cashmere for it!

Whaddya' say?

Marin (AntiM) said...

Franklin, if you were My Kind of Guy, I'd wed you and bed you (not necessarily in that order) and make you stay at home eating bon-bons and composing bon mots for my personal enjoyment.

XOXO