A guest post by Carol.
Name’s Earl Ray. Earl Ray Fleecenberry.
I only gotta minute. Heading over to that Monster Truck rally and I gotta pick up some brewskis first. So I hear youze are friends of Dotty. [snort]
Yeah, yeah, I know Dotty. I wuz married to her, wasn’t I ? [belch] Geez, that chili dawg I got at the Waffle House sure is repeatin’ on me. Anyways, we was talkin’ about Dotty. Whaddya wanna know about her?
Well, Christ on a cracker, I allus knew Dotty. I grew up just a mile or two down the road. My daddy had a trailer just on the other side of the holler from Dotty’s farm. The Van Hoofens allus thought they were so great, being as they didn’t live in a trailer like the Fleecenberry clan. Thought their sheep-pies didn’t stink. But they’s white-faced dartmoor trash like everybody in that part of the county.
Gotta say, Dotty was a babe from the time she wuz a lamb. Always wuz a sucker for those chicks with a set of big hocks. Yowsa! We did have us some good times, for a while leastaways. That gal loved to get it on in the back of a John Deere tractor. And in the top of a hayloft. And in the pig muck. Come to think on it, wasn’t a place Dotty didn’t love to get it on….
Anyways, we got the preacher to marry us as soon as we wuz old enough. ‘Spose it wuz a mistake, though. Dotty, she ain’t never gonna be the kinda ewe who mates with only one ram. Nosiree.
Guess I shouldn’ta been surprised that night I come home from work early. Open the door, and there’s Dotty with a bottle of Eucalan in one hand, pair of handcuffs in the other, and my best friend Johnny Lee hogtied on the waterbed with a pair of sheep clippers up his bee-hind. Took a cornfield fulla whiskey to get that pitcher out of my mind. [shudder] Woke up the next day wid the biggest hangover I ever did have, and nothin’ but a note on the fridge. Never forget what it said:
You boys ever been in love with a woman? Other than Pamela Anderson? You want to know what it feels like to be in love with someone, and have that someone be fucking someone else? It's like having a rat in your stomach, chewing and crawling its way through all your organs, stopping only long enough to shit, piss and laugh at ya. And that rat gets up into your heart, and stays there sometimes for years. Sometimes forever.