Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Meet Earl Ray

A guest post by Carol.

Howdy.
Name’s Earl Ray. Earl Ray Fleecenberry.
I only gotta minute. Heading over to that Monster Truck rally and I gotta pick up some brewskis first. So I hear youze are friends of Dotty. [snort]



Yeah, yeah, I know Dotty. I wuz married to her, wasn’t I ? [belch] Geez, that chili dawg I got at the Waffle House sure is repeatin’ on me. Anyways, we was talkin’ about Dotty. Whaddya wanna know about her?

Well, Christ on a cracker, I allus knew Dotty. I grew up just a mile or two down the road. My daddy had a trailer just on the other side of the holler from Dotty’s farm. The Van Hoofens allus thought they were so great, being as they didn’t live in a trailer like the Fleecenberry clan. Thought their sheep-pies didn’t stink. But they’s white-faced dartmoor trash like everybody in that part of the county.

Gotta say, Dotty was a babe from the time she wuz a lamb. Always wuz a sucker for those chicks with a set of big hocks. Yowsa! We did have us some good times, for a while leastaways. That gal loved to get it on in the back of a John Deere tractor. And in the top of a hayloft. And in the pig muck. Come to think on it, wasn’t a place Dotty didn’t love to get it on….

Anyways, we got the preacher to marry us as soon as we wuz old enough. ‘Spose it wuz a mistake, though. Dotty, she ain’t never gonna be the kinda ewe who mates with only one ram. Nosiree.

Guess I shouldn’ta been surprised that night I come home from work early. Open the door, and there’s Dotty with a bottle of Eucalan in one hand, pair of handcuffs in the other, and my best friend Johnny Lee hogtied on the waterbed with a pair of sheep clippers up his bee-hind. Took a cornfield fulla whiskey to get that pitcher out of my mind. [shudder] Woke up the next day wid the biggest hangover I ever did have, and nothin’ but a note on the fridge. Never forget what it said:



You boys ever been in love with a woman? Other than Pamela Anderson? You want to know what it feels like to be in love with someone, and have that someone be fucking someone else? It's like having a rat in your stomach, chewing and crawling its way through all your organs, stopping only long enough to shit, piss and laugh at ya. And that rat gets up into your heart, and stays there sometimes for years. Sometimes forever.

15 comments:

All the Way With Knitting said...

I take it back..Ibiza is too good for Dolores... "Earl Ray" that brings on shudders .You don't have a brother called "Sheep Shit" on a show called "Pen Break " do you ? Frankly I'm surprised you can write .

Joe said...

Clearly next time Franklin decides to leave his blog in the hands of "friends", he will realize that Blogger allows you to set up other users with limited priveleges.

And each post will show either as "Posted by Franklin" or "Posted by Guest".

And we thought Franklin was web-savvy.

Kathy Merrick said...

Still not me.
Still in awe of the inventive natures of my fellow Wol***s.

Anyway I have work.

marie in florida said...

aw damn, Earl Ray....i got me one of them rats too. lets go to Swillie's and have us a couple, right after the truck rally. that'll warsh the stink of rat mess right out of our noses.

Carol said...

No way. It's way more fun to guess whether Franklin wrote it or not. "Will the real Franklin please stand up?"

pacalaga said...

A bottle of Eucalan... there are no words...

David said...

I was enjoying that until the ending, which got a little too scatalogical for me.

Lynn in Tucson said...

But if it WASN'T posted by Franklin, how'd they get the illustrations?

The mind boggles....

Joy said...

Ooooh. He's bitter. Franklin, I know you're only a figment of my computer's imagination, but I'm worried about you. I don't want you to become part of the wreckage that is Dolores' past. What if she destroys your life like she's destroyed so many others'? In particular, what if she destroys your computer? And takes all your money so that you can't even afford to use the computers at Kinkos? Then what will I read? I mean, then how will you blog? I say leave her fleecy tush in Europe, now while you have a chance, before it's too late!

Claudia said...

Oh boy - that sounds like somebody I would meet here at the local Wal-Mart. Yup - a very good ol' Southern boy. Whoever wrote this on Franklin's blog, I am sitting here and laughin' and hollerin'. Y'all have a good timw now. Bless your hearts ;-)

Anne said...

sheep clippers... *shudder*

Ann said...

I actually got to the Eucalan before I laughed so much the Dr. Pepper hit the screen. Oh my!

Anonymous said...

this has ceased to be either funny or entertaining. can't wait for franklin's return

FiberQat said...

Duuuude, like yeah I feel for ya, dude. Poppin' a brewski for ya, dude, cuz like there ain't no cure for the Van Hoofen blues. That Dolly, uhhuhhhhuhhuh, she's one tough bitch. Like the time when you were at Ricky's talkin' 'bout how you were gonna fix up the '78 Ford and Dotty and me was back at....uhhhh never mind.

Chuck

yatesspain.blogspot.com said...

For my part every person may read this.