There'll Be Some Changes Made

I, the undersigned, agree that:

• I will not smoke in the apartment even if I think I can get away with it.
  
  
• I will not host “overnight guests” in the apartment without prior permission. (Note: a person who arrives at 7 pm, is ridden like a show pony and then thrown out before sunrise is still considered an “overnight guest.”)
  
  
• When Franklin hosts “overnight guests” I will not attempt to videotape, photograph, or otherwise record the proceedings.
  
  
• I will leave Mrs. Teitelbaum’s cat alone.
  
  
• I will seek professional help to address my “cat issues.”
  
  
• I will not use Franklin’s e-mail accounts to send prank love notes to Rick Mondragon.
  
  
• I will not use Franklin’s telephone, computer, and/or credit card to order naughty lingerie, sheep-oriented pornography, bulk alcohol, or any other unauthorized purchases.
  
  
• I will not use Franklin’s first editions to press insects for my collection.
  
  
• I will not use Franklin’s dpns to clean my teeth after meals.
  
  
  
• I will replace the following books which have been damaged by chewing, cigarette burns, and/or alcohol spills: Odes of Horace, Painters and Public Life in Eighteenth-Century Paris, The Kiss of the Whip.
  
  
• I will stop referring to the Buddha as “Fatboy.”
  
  
• In exchange for my continued room and board, I will perform the following services to the best of my ability and without excessive bitching:
  
  
• care and feeding of the sock yarn colony;
• organization and cataloguing of fiber stash and knitting supplies;
• mail sorting; and
  
• assistance in answering fiber-related questions from blog readers.

I understand that if I cease to uphold this agreement, my fuzzy ass is going straight back to that farm in Vermont and I will not be flying first class.