When you are sitting in a coffee shop working on an entry about the amazing stuff you saw at Stitches Midwest, and you look up what you know perfectly well to be a lace weight yarn in both Ravelry and Yarndex to double-check the fiber content, and you note that in both places this lace yarn is listed as fingering weight, do not accidentally exclaim in your outside voice, "Fingering my ass!"
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Do Not Do This
When you are sitting in a coffee shop working on an entry about the amazing stuff you saw at Stitches Midwest, and you look up what you know perfectly well to be a lace weight yarn in both Ravelry and Yarndex to double-check the fiber content, and you note that in both places this lace yarn is listed as fingering weight, do not accidentally exclaim in your outside voice, "Fingering my ass!"
good to know. (Damn, I wish I had been sitting in that coffee shop...)
ReplyDeleteI love you so very much.
ReplyDeleteOh man, that's hilarious. I'll have to remember that.
ReplyDeleteDelurking to say:
ReplyDeleteI know better by now than to drink anything while I'm reading your posts . . . but now there's a shiny place on my screen where the peppermint chewing gum hit.
Your posts make my day---thank you!
*Note to self* Do not read anything Franklin writes after taking a sip of coffee.
ReplyDeleteThanks. I'll keep that in mind.
ReplyDeleteThat is excellent advice!
ReplyDeleteI agree with most folks, we should not drink while reading Franklin. We could be assessed with DUI - drinking under influence of FH. This was so short but so long on funny. Thanks for the laughs!
ReplyDeleteI'm waiting to see which future posts get the tag "Ass"
ReplyDeleteNote to self, do not consume food and/or beverages when reading these posts. You will loose part of the contents no matter how hard you try not to do so.
ReplyDeleteI wish I had been there for that and thanks for the advice!
I nearly choked on my eggs just now. ROFL!
ReplyDeleteThis made my day.
ReplyDelete*snrk* That definitely sounds like something I would do. Thankfully the vast amount of time I spend in libraries has reduced my outside voice to something barely audible even in a mostly empty coffee shop.
ReplyDelete*chokesnort* So noted.
ReplyDeleteDid that earn you some unwanted attention?
ReplyDeleteoh jeez. good thing i had just swallowed my coffee before reading this.
ReplyDeletePerfect. Thanks for making my day funny!
ReplyDeleteReminds me of the time I tried out a new model of whitewater kayak, called a For Play, then exclaimed afterward, "My hips are sore from that foreplay." Fortunately, I said it among my whitewater buddies, not in a crowded coffee shop...
ReplyDeleteOMFG I had to cover my face and pretend I was coughing so that the entire office didn't hear my hysterical laughter!!! XD
ReplyDeleteOH. My. Goodness.
ReplyDeleteOnce again, I bow to you, the funniest darn knitter that I know.
Thanks for the giggle!
Reminds me of a time when I saw an advertisement for a concert given by a group known as the Callipygian Players. My immediate response (luckily under my breath) was, "Callipygian, my ass!" Then I realized what I had actually said.
ReplyDelete~Rachel
FOTFLMAO
ReplyDeleteDuly noted!
ReplyDeleteUmmmm, . . . y e a . . .
ReplyDeleteI'll add that to the list!
Thanks a ton, Franklin... if you'd mentioned this yesterday that might have been of some use.
ReplyDeleteDepends on the coffee shop.
ReplyDeleteLMAO you crack me up.
ReplyDeleteI would have paid anything to have been a fly on the wall. Thanks for the morning laugh.
ReplyDeleteThis is awesome. Seriously. It made my day.
ReplyDeleteLOL I almost choked on my mouthful of yogurt. Priceless!!
ReplyDeleteThanks for the laugh on my birthday.
ReplyDelete@Jason, happy birthday (from someone sharing your birthday).
ReplyDeleteSometimes I think you're the brother I never had....
ReplyDeleteDyed brown, huh? ;-)
ReplyDeleteLove the 'Depends on the coffee shop' comment!
ReplyDeleteYeah, I'll keep this in mind. First I have to catch my breath after hooting hysterically.
ReplyDeleteOh to have seen people's faces
ReplyDeleteNow that's just good life advice right there!
ReplyDeleteDon't know how I lived this long without it, but I shall keep it in mind forever more.
(Hugs, Franklin, I totally love you.)
I laughed out loud in my outside voice.
ReplyDeleteDiana de-lurking
HAHAHAHAHAHA.
ReplyDeleteHA!
ReplyDeleteOh my! And I don't dare ask where it might be appropriate to say those words out loud...
ReplyDeleteIf you're in a coffe shop discussing handspinning, and more specifically spinning wild yarn, it is also not advisable to exclaim in a loud and disapointed tone of voice that "you can't go too wild because you have a small orifice".
ReplyDeleteManon
Aha, an ass tag. Now my life is complete. Or it will be after I wipe the vitamin water off of my monitor.
ReplyDeleteWit, thy name is Franklin.
My grandmother used to give me the same advice. She was very wise...
ReplyDeleteOh my, as I sit here getting ready to roll out of my office chair reading this, I do beleive that very sage wisdom Franklin.
ReplyDeleteI would have loved to have seen the look on the patrons around you!
Fabulous!
ReplyDeleteHeh. What cracks me up is if I heard someone yell that, I'd probably interpret it the way you meant it, and only then realize the other meaning. The world does revolve around fiber, doesn't it?
ReplyDeleteI'm so desperately happy that I'm not the only one whose mouth is apparently loaded and has a hair trigger.
ReplyDeleteLOL!!!!!
ReplyDeleteOh wow... :gigglesnort:/... now my office-mates are more convinced than ever that I've completely gone round the bend!
ReplyDeleteMy favorite coffee house verbal faux pas is, "Go ahead and give the shaft good a thigh roll..."
ReplyDeleteThank you, I needed that today.
ReplyDeleteI have GOT to learn to read your blog someplace other than the office.
ReplyDeleteFurther proof, that commas, are, key.
ReplyDeleteoh how i wish i would have been at that coffee shop.
ReplyDeleteOh, I dunno. I could imagine it might get you a few proposals in the right venue.
ReplyDeletePerfect! Of course, a nearby knitter would have said "what's the gauge?"
ReplyDeleteIt was Handmaiden Sea Silk, wasn't it?
ReplyDeleteI hate this word, but LOL. Because I actually did. Thanks for the chuckle.
ReplyDeleteBetter the coffee shop than the gate area at O'Hare?
ReplyDeleteBwahahaha!
ReplyDeleteGood thing I had this conference call on mute before I read this!
ReplyDeleteWow... thats just great. Wish I had been there to see the faces of people around you.
ReplyDeletePoint taken.
ReplyDeleteAnd now there is cottage cheese and cantaloupe mush all over my monitor. (I should know better!) LOL
ReplyDeleteFirst-time delurker chiming in to let you know that you've shined a new light on an otherwise dreadfully mundane, work-overloaded day. Thank you!
ReplyDeleteI wish I had been there!
ReplyDeletetee-hee
ReplyDeleteNow I have to clean the coffee off my keyboard.
Franklin, too funny! I met you at Stitches and asked you for needle advice. It was a real pleasure meeting you. I'm working a lot right now and I needed a good laugh! I'll let you know how those needles work out once I get a chance to try them.
ReplyDeleteUnless it's a coffee shop in Boystown, where it would have been considered a completely unremarkable statement OR gotten you a few dates.
ReplyDeleteYeah, I always suspected that Fannie's Fingering wouldn't have that name if it were from a british yarn company.
ReplyDeleteWonderMike, ditto about shafts and thigh-rolls. Also, discussing twist and whacking after a hot bath.
especially if you are in the gayborhood LOL!
ReplyDeleteMa'am! I'll have what he's having! ;-)
ReplyDeleteSo, are you going to tell us what happened next?
ReplyDelete:)
another lesson learned - do not read your blog while 7 year old son is in the vicinity. can't exactly tell him why i laughed.
ReplyDelete*dies*
ReplyDeletebypassed laughing and went straight to hysterical tears. man, did I need that. almost makes me want to spend time in coffee shops just to be disappointed that you're not there.
ReplyDeleteDear man, you win the Internet today!
ReplyDeleteThat's awesome.
I've spent a long day at work, followed by an unpleasant hour in the dentist's chair, and had to deal with an uncooperative spreadsheet, a home network printer crisis and a disappearing teenager while fixing dinner.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Franklin. I really needed that.
Mary
hee hee!
ReplyDeleteOh.Em. Gee. Hahahahahahahahaha! I would love to have been sitting with you when that came out of your mouth...oh the expressions you must have been met with.
ReplyDeleteThis is just one of the many reasons why you are adored. ♥
Oh, yeah! What everyone else said. I can't decide which would be more fun, hearing you say it, or looking at everyone else in the coffee shop who heard you say it.
ReplyDeleteWill this be going in your next book?
ReplyDeleteI laughed so hard I nearly fell off my chair!
ReplyDeleteHeh-heh. My friend managed to embarrass herself when she asked for a definition of "light fingering" although she was in the company of knitters at the time.
ReplyDeleteyeah, I was at Stitches Midwest last year when I exclaimed, "Oh, I love Four Play" outside of Brooks Farm. My friend just gave me the WTF look and I had to explain to her what I was talking about.
ReplyDeleteLearn from my fail indeed. It could have been sport my ass.
ReplyDeleteManon, I will remember your advice.
And now for the $64,000 question: How many offers did you get? And how many are you willing to pass along to interested readers?
ReplyDeleteI love you!
ReplyDeleteWhich yarn?
ReplyDeleteYour advice comes about five years too late. I once stood up, bent over the table and invited ... the consortium taking over the company I worked for to f**k me up the a**.
ReplyDeleteWhile the transition "manager" was sitting at the very same table, no less.
I am pleased to report that I received an excellent compensation package. Being outrageous can be rewarding.
Knitting humor! Good stuff! :D
ReplyDeleteYour posts have become our favorite family dinner time dramatic reading. I get to play you.
ReplyDeleteThat is rather like a local radio commercial currently on air where one can win the chance to be fingered four times a day. Of course A) they're talking of a pro footbal promotion and B) it's San Francisco where that doesn't elict too much of a reaction.
ReplyDeleteOkay, you just gave me the best laugh of the day....and I really need it...thank you, I'm sorry for getting it at your expense...but it was good.
ReplyDeleteThis just made my non-knitting husband-elect laugh out loud. Thanks!
ReplyDelete*snort* *rofl*
ReplyDeletePlease don't leave us in suspense.... what was the yarn in question?
I needed that laugh this morning, thanks!!
ReplyDeleteThanks for that. By the way, you owe me a coffe and a keyboard.
ReplyDeleteAuch.
ReplyDeleteI also like the tags attached to this post... Who'd have thought they would ever go together?
Very Funny
ReplyDeleteThank you for the advice, and for the laugh. I think I will be getting weird looks all day as I expect this will keep me giggling off and on whenever I think of it.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the warning.
ReplyDeleteOk, after reading this post, I go to the next blog and read the term "light fingering" and now it sounds so dirty!
ReplyDeleteThat is always good information. Miss Manners has nothing on you.
ReplyDeleteOK, my day is complete.
ReplyDeletelmao no fingering!
ReplyDeleteWhat long arms you must have!
ReplyDeleteAs someone at I Knit said last night, as the post circulated on an iPhone - even if you did it in British, "4 ply my ass" would probably also be subject to misinterpretation by non-knitters...
ReplyDeleteLOL
ReplyDelete*Snort*
ReplyDeleteSaw you at Stitches and Kinneared you. That isn't wierd is it? :)
ReplyDeleteI feel sorry for all the hopeful fellas who thought that exclamation was the first clause of a sentence, rather than an expression of disbelief all in itself! Too funny, sir.
ReplyDeleteIced tea with lemon is not particularly refreshing via your nasal passages.
ReplyDeleteReminds me of the time I told the guy carving the ham to "pork me". Sigh.
ReplyDeleteI needed that giggle today
ReplyDeleteGreat. I just spewed iced tea all over my monitor. Thanks Franklin
ReplyDeleteoh, dear.
ReplyDeleteBwah ha ha! I wish I had been there!
ReplyDeleteYou rock!
ReplyDeleteI read this yesterday and laughed hysterically... DH didn't get it at all... *sigh* I needed a good laugh and came back to read it again today and it worked! This has to be my all time favorite blog -- ever!!! Love you, Franklin!
ReplyDeleteOk, now you've done it! DiscoDame (my lovely DD) read this, and has decided this must be our new "catch phrase". Now I know I'll never see grandchildren. Thanks, Franklin!!
ReplyDeleteI have to tell you, I relayed this story to my husband and he spent the rest of the weekend exclaiming "fingering my ass" at random intervals while a) working on the barn addition, b) eating lunch, c) trying to update our web site, etc. I think we've created a monster.
ReplyDelete(As a side note, I'm just beginning to bend him to the fibery ways: "Honey, I think you'd be really great at spinning. Your attention to detail, patience, and perfectionism would be a great match for this." Now he's bought Icelandic sheep and said to me this weekend "I really want to start spinning." HA! Now when he complains about how much yarn I buy, I can tell him to make me some, instead.)
Ah.
ReplyDeleteOh dear.
Franklin you just.......... ............leave me speechless with laughter!
ReplyDeleteI can see where it'd be hard to resist.
ReplyDeleteAnd it's such a nice way to get a little more room around you.
Reminds me of the time I read about Fanny's Farmhouse Yarns on Rav, and googled "Fanny's Fingering" - oh! what google came up with! I blush to remember!
ReplyDeleteFunniest thing I have ever read! Re-told it at my knitting group!
ReplyDeleteA lurker
snork
ReplyDeleteBest. Post. Ever.
ReplyDeleteCould not agree with Ms Barnhill more - absolutely the best post ever!!
ReplyDeletesee, this is why I love you! You say things that we're already thinking, but never thought to say out loud!!!
ReplyDeleteOMG. I adore you. Hilarious.
ReplyDeleteJust when I thought your Tim Gunn TP-cozy post could never be topped... here you are.
BWAHAHAHAHA! Good thing I'd swallowed my Pepsi before I read that. (snerk)
ReplyDeleteAlso add, do not read late at night when you have a loud laugh.
ReplyDeleteI am going to be giggling about this for awhile.
Thank you for the laugh!
ReplyDeleteIs it just the "coffee shop" setting in which this is not okay? Or should I be cautious to use this one in other situations as well?
ReplyDeleteThe Boy, on my trying to explain yarn weights to him, inquired with the most serious of expressions, "So, fingering - that's called four-ply in Australia?"
ReplyDelete
ReplyDeleteWow! Thank you! I always needed to write on my site something like that. Can I take a fragment of your post to my blog?
Shopping without my list is difficult in the grocery aisles. I resort to talking out loud-"Do I need vinegar? What about mayonnaise? Oh-I need bread." The other morning I was cruising along with my cart, when a very young employee eyed me wandering around and muttering along. He finally came up and very quietly asked, "Are you okay ma'am?" The interruption of my thoughts was exasperating, but I said, "I forgot my list. I have to talk out loud." He walked off very quickly, and I saw him later talking to someone else and staring. Wait until he gets older.
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