Bill of Fare

David is absolutely right. If a fellow intends to be truly professional, he ought to have a schedule card of services and rates available.

To that end, I have prepared the following for the ladies I'm hosting on the tour.

Franklin, Your Host for "Islands of Antiquity"
Discreet • Educated • Steadfast

Conversation (prices are per hour)

• English fiction, history, art history, opera ($2)
• Shopping and clothes ($2)
  
• Parents these days ($5)
• Your grandchildren ($5)*
• Previous travels ($5)
  
• Your cat(s) ($350)
• Knitting (complimentary)

We regret that we no longer discuss the Bush administration or your Republican politics under any circumstances.

For parties of six or more, a 15% gratuity will be added.

*If pictures are displayed, there will be a surcharge of $10 per image.

Dancing (prices are per dance)

• Waltz ($2)
• Foxtrot ($2)
• Quadrille ($2)
• Polka ($2)
  
• Texas Two-Step ($2)
• Lindy Hop ($20)*
• Mazurka or Tarantella ($50)*

For parties of five or more, lessons in country line dancing can be arranged for a negotiable fee. Before engaging in dances marked by an asterisk (*), customers must present a doctor's certificate of sound health and sign a liability waiver.

Shopping (prices are per hour)

• For tacky souvenirs ($150)
• For clothes or jewelry ($35)
  
• For books or yarn (free)
  

Please note that for the 2006 season we are offering an entirely new selection of fitting room compliments, enthusiastic squeals, and reassurances that no, it doesn't make you look at all fat.

Fetching and Carrying (prices are per quarter hour)

• Purse/handbag holding ($50)
• Forgotten item retrieval (free up to 1/4 mile, $10 thereafter)
• Purchase of small items from ship store ($5)
• Assistance in crossing cobblestones, going up or down stairs, alighting from motorcoaches, etc. (free)
  
• Drinks from the bar (ask a steward, it's what they're here for)
  
• Diplomatic removal of drunken husband from dining room or bar ($50, plus $50 surcharge for men weighing more than 200 lbs)

Lectures/Demonstrations (prices are per lesson)

• Basic knitting (free)
• Basic photography (free)
  
• How the heck does this e-mail thing work, anyway? ($150)

Other

• Harmless flirtation is always complimentary. However, as your host is queer as a three dollar bill, we recommend that you inquire of the concierge should you desire actual rumpy-pumpy.