Wednesday, September 13, 2006

There'll Be Some Changes Made

I, the undersigned, agree that:
  • I will not smoke in the apartment even if I think I can get away with it.

  • I will not host “overnight guests” in the apartment without prior permission. (Note: a person who arrives at 7 pm, is ridden like a show pony and then thrown out before sunrise is still considered an “overnight guest.”)

  • When Franklin hosts “overnight guests” I will not attempt to videotape, photograph, or otherwise record the proceedings.

  • I will leave Mrs. Teitelbaum’s cat alone.

  • I will seek professional help to address my “cat issues.”

  • I will not use Franklin’s e-mail accounts to send prank love notes to Rick Mondragon.

  • I will not use Franklin’s telephone, computer, and/or credit card to order naughty lingerie, sheep-oriented pornography, bulk alcohol, or any other unauthorized purchases.

  • I will not use Franklin’s first editions to press insects for my collection.

  • I will not use Franklin’s dpns to clean my teeth after meals.


  • I will replace the following books which have been damaged by chewing, cigarette burns, and/or alcohol spills: Odes of Horace, Painters and Public Life in Eighteenth-Century Paris, The Kiss of the Whip.

  • I will stop referring to the Buddha as “Fatboy.”

  • In exchange for my continued room and board, I will perform the following services to the best of my ability and without excessive bitching:

    • care and feeding of the sock yarn colony;
    • organization and cataloguing of fiber stash and knitting supplies;
    • mail sorting; and
    • assistance in answering fiber-related questions from blog readers.
I understand that if I cease to uphold this agreement, my fuzzy ass is going straight back to that farm in Vermont and I will not be flying first class.

65 comments:

Margot said...

If the Vermont clause is invoked, please be so kind as to give advance warning to its kind and gentle inhabitants.

Thanking you in advance.

Donna said...

Poor girl. You're crushing her spirit.

Sean said...

OH, MY! Franklin throwing some smack-down. Ovine cohabitation is a tough job, I'm sure. Although, it must be nice to have the old girl back home.

Mel said...

It'll be interesting to see how long this lasts.

MarQ1 said...

What's with item #3? Sounds like a public service to me.
Not the dpn's?!? (or is that "!?!") If true, she deserves the mail sorting.

Aidan said...

What did you do to that poor girl? I though she'd come back full of piss and vinegar, not... um... pansy-whipped.

You are stifling that poor girl. I never expected that of you, Franklin. You might as well send her to Catholic prep school in Hawaii.

Deborah C. said...

And you actually got her to SIGN it??? Franklin my dear, you should have insisted on having it notarized as well, she can always claim it's not her signature, and/or was signed under duress... does it show that I work for lawyers? ROTFLMAO!

Mary said...

I don't know, Franklin, there are probably a dozen loopholes in that arrangement that Dolores will undoubtedly discover. You can't keep a good sheep down. Mary

Dave Daniels said...

Thank god she didn't touch your Starmore books!
Sheep! Just because they have hooves, they think they can get into anything they want.

Bobbi said...

Back to the farm in Vermont!?! I'm thinking the threat of becoming lamb chops or mutton steak...the "meat" has already soaked up plenty of "marinade". (Sorry Delores.)

ali said...

Bless me, Delores, next you'll be going to church.

Little lamb who made thee?

keohinani said...

hey, watch the comments on catholic prep school in hawaii! i went there, you know, (catholic prep school, but not necessarily the same one as franklin) and i'd like to think i turned out fine.

i'm a knitter, anyway. that has to count for something.

Cheryl said...

"ridden like a show pony" --
YEE HA!!!

Carol said...

Woo-hoo! Franklin goes all ghetto on her. We'll see who has the last laug--bleat.

Netter said...

Little lamb who made thee sounds like something Dolores needs in her mittens. Although, is there a Buddhist creation story?

Marie said...

My God!!! I love the show pony one. I just about died.

PuppyMomma said...

So THATS what her middle name is!

catmum said...

You know, sometimes a little time out with a strict Aunt on the left coast gives errant sheep a little perspective, and gratitude for the benefits of their living arrangements.

twig said...

Just when I think things at your blog can't get any stranger... heheheh

Rachel H said...

Don't worry, Dolores pet. You know he won't be able to keep this up for long.

pacalaga said...

Good for you Franklin. Dolores won't buck her meal ticket.

littleangelkisses said...

Franklin! Just remember that she'll find a way....yes she will!

Kate said...

What was she on when she signed that agreement...and where can I score some?

Anne said...

Now Franklin... do you really want DOLORES to be responsible for sorting your correspondence?

Sheep oriented pornography... hehe

Marnie said...

Being from New Hampshire, I know that threat of being sent back to somewhere without a proper sushi restaurant is enough to get me to sign just about anything.

KnitMongrel said...

Glad she's back, are we? You could always sic the sock yarn on her, y'know.

Joanna said...

Can't a girl have a little fun - you're taking all the zest out of her life! I don't know if she'll retain her "Joie de vie" with all those rules.

MonicaPDX said...

::unladylike snorking noises::

Welcome home, Dolores! (Psst - have your overnight guests take *you* home. Maybe you'll be lucky and they'll have roommates.)

Lee Ann said...

Odd how no one noticed that you own a book called "Kiss of the Whip." Huh.

Marcy said...

And do we really think that Dolores will abide by these rules?? Huh!

dragon knitter said...

you go, franklin.

Wystful said...

I knew a Thomasina once, nice demure girl, nothing like Ms. Van Hoofen. Still, a nice name. Looks like management made some changes while Delores vacationed.... I'll be curious to see how this goes... Welcome back Delores, even if things did get a bit less *ahem* free.

denny Mcmillan said...

What about the fleece? No fleece in the deal,or is smoke stinky. Tell she could be a blue ribbon winner, if she could go through a "cleanse".
So good luck with that.

Jackie in the 'burbs said...

OK, you may think you have her behavior covered with your rules, although I'm sure she'll find a loophole. As far as her reciprocating responsibilities, though, well, let me just say as a teacher of remedial high school night school, "the best of my ability" covers a tremendous range of behavior, from the sincere effort to the total blow off. Good luck with that part.
Dolores, honey, you want to come out the suburbs and sit in on a couple of classes? I have some boys who think they've got Bad Attitudes - I'm thinking you could open up a whole new world of attitude for them. (And they're all 18 or older, so if anyone catches your fancy, well, at least they'd be legal. Don't be expecting discussions of the classics afterwards, however. Maybe the new issue of Car and Driver...)

Julie said...

I would watch my food and drink carefully for the next month or two, Franklin. You never know what Dolores is going to put in it now. Especially since she's been to Akron.


...Stop calling Buddha 'fat boy'. Ahahahaha!

junior_goddess said...

Exactly how much bitching is considered excessive? Is that one half hour non-stop, or two quiet lines that make you wither like a raisin?

I think Dolores is pretty creative; she'll get the best of you yet!

mf said...

how long will this last?

Ann said...

You want to rethink the mail sorting duties, hon!
For instance, she may well feel that an invitation to the Silver and Gold Ball was meant for her, while the Amex bill was for the shredder. Then the next thing you know, Harry Winston's is calling asking where she went with the tiara that was on loan and the bill collector is threatening to kneecap you for the unpaid Amex.

Just saying.

Daphne said...

heehee. it's good to have delores back. thanks, franklin.

FiberQat said...

I smell blackmail. Dolores wouldn't give in so easily otherwise.

Sandra said...

ummm.... "Kiss of the Whip"?

Vicky in Vancouver said...

Good luck with that, Franklin. Even you cannot anticipate all her possibilities.

Anne on the Jersey Shore said...

The thought of love notes to Rick Mondragon, even prank ones, makes me feel slightly nauseated.

KnitNana said...

Franklin, I don't blame you for the "no smoking inside!"
Back to Vermont? I'm not sure they're ready for her...ROFLOL!
(((hugs)))

Janice said...

I give it two days -- ok, maybe a day and a half.

Lynn in Tucson said...

Oh, how we've missed her (not that you're not plenty charming in your own right, Franklin)!

Welcome home, Lady D!

moiraeknittoo said...

Hey, I know that the name "Habit" is lurking here somewhere, but I didn't think that applied to Dolores' outerwear? Of course, based on her adventures, I seriously doubt the Sisters would be safe for long.

CatBookMom said...

Love it! But letting her deal with the mail? Bad idea. And the hijinks she's going to do with the sock yarn colony, oh, dear! You think they were bad the first time?

Artemis said...

I usually tell the DH that I'm going to ride him like a pogo stick, but hey...show pony works too.

Musclemom said...

Why don't you get her to write her memoirs, you know, something like "À la recherche du mouton perdu". That will keep her busy...

Ben said...

ya'know...there is something a bit Handelian about this.

"We like sheep"...or affection on some level. not to judge.

The entire line "...have gone astray" may be a bit to much validation for you-know-who.

ben

Flossie said...

Woo-hoooooo! Welcome back Dolores!

Kathleen said...

Um, OK, I completely thought this was about Franklin until I got almost to the bottom. Must be from living in SF so long :-) vive la rainbow!!

Knitt'nLissa said...

Hahahahahahriddenlikeashowponyhahahahahahahah!

Welcome home, D!

Anonymous said...

Welcome home, Dolores! You fuzzy little ewe, you! You've been missed!

Franklin--'Kiss of the Whip'????

CateK said...

Good luck.

Anonymous said...

The rules read like an abridged version of those issued at my fascist co-ed boarding school (famous alums include the late, lamented Spaulding Gray).
The counter revolution can be hell.

Jude @ obscureknitty

David said...

I'd have that notarized if I were you.

AuntieAnn said...

Teensy problem -- at least here in Calif., notarization now requires a thumbprint. They clearly didn't anticipate Dolores when they made that rule.

The Purloined Letter said...

D, honey--if things get too strict there, we've got a spare bedroom for you here, a big library, and lots of urban entertainments. I'll give you your own set of DPNs, but I'm afraid our cat is allergic to cig. smoke....

kmkat said...

Well, I can see that the first order of business is to come up with some fiber-related questions to post here. I can't wait to see what Dolores might have to say on the subject.

trek said...

I don't understand why everyone's on Delores' side here. Good job setting up stringent ground rules, Franklin.

Snotty sheep...

Cattycorner said...

"Sheep-oriented pornography"?

That's not an euphemism for yarn catalogs and fiber festivals, is it?

And please if you send here back to Vermit, send her south. I like the quiet northwest corner.

Kathy Kelly said...

Don't make her give up the love notes! They divert enrgy from other activities.

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