Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Like I Have Time for This



Little Buddha Thundercloud or whatever the hell he's calling himself this week is trying to get his affairs in order before we jet off, so he asked me to fill in for today. I'm supposed to stick to non-controversial topics and not say anything embarrassing.

Pull up a chair.

Oh, my sainted aunt, you should see this guy pack. On any given day he can't find his own ass with both hands, but give him a ticket for a cruise and he's Sir Edmund Hillary casing Everest. We got lists all over the house. Lists for the camera bag, lists of outfits for every day (subdivided into morning, touring, and evening), lists of masculine beauty products, lists of knitting junk and writing crap and travel papers and lists to keep track of all the lists.

We went shopping this weekend to fill out the holes in his wardrobe and I swear to God I almost killed him dead in the fitting room at Marshall Field's. Did you know that every piece of clothing the man owns is either black or gray? And a minimum of ten years out of date?

So I tried to help, because I live a life of compassion. He had carried a big pile of...I dunno really, all I know is everything was ecru...into the cubicle and when his back was turned I grabbed it all, plus his pants, and ran out of the fitting room. He started yelling, but sometimes it's time for tough love and so I stashed his trousers with the very accommodating salesman (kisses to you, Schuyler) and threw a bunch of Sean John and Lucky Brand and Ben Sherman over the door.

He shouted at me that it looked like he'd been playing strip poker with a boy band and they'd lost, and that he wasn't wearing any of it.

So I said he could try it all on or take the bus home in his Arthur the Aardvark underpants.

Don't judge me harshly. You have no idea what I'm up against. He has three basic looks: James Dean manqué, Brokeback Schlub, and Herbert Hoover on the golf course. It gets depressing to be around. I'd just like to see a little color around his face, maybe get him into a pair of pants that don't sag in the butt, you know what I mean?

He went into one of his typical monologues about refusing to be a slave to the corporate fashion machine blah blah blah blah, so Schuyler and I went and had a snort at this little bar on Wabash and by the time we came back he had just finished talking and was standing in front of the three-way mirror in a pair of tight Luckys that gave him a snooker-ball bottom and a precious acid-green destroyed t-shirt that said "SHRED MY TUBE" in curly seventies lettering and he actually looked almost his own age instead of forty years older.

"Be still my heart," I said. "You look good enough to abduct and defile."

"Me first," said Schuyler.

"Give me my damn pants back," he said.

"No," I said. "I think you should charge what you've got on and wear it home."

"Give me my damn pants back now," he said.

"I think we should accessorize you with a pair of flip flops," said Schuyler.

And then he just came at us, waving a pants hanger and saying very unkind things and so I swung my purse quite forgetting that I'd slipped a split of Veuve in there in case I needed a pick-me-up and suddenly he was on the floor and not shouting any more.

"Holy shit," said Schuyler. "We gotta call security."

And we did, of course, but first we took a moment and rang up the outfit. Like many men I've known, Franklin is so much more cooperative when he's unconscious.

Some day, he'll understand and he'll thank me.

48 comments:

ted said...

Can't wait to see the T-shirt.

Perhaps Delores will be my fashion consultant when I'm down?

Andrea Rusin said...

Dolores darling, come live with me and be my love. Tkae my wardrobe and make soemthing of it. I'm a fashion wasteland. Even my daughter has given up on me.

Paul said...

A Snooker-Ball bottom... What a pleasant picture that must have been. hehehe...

Anonymous said...

The thong... oh my word, the thong.....
Too funny.

somebunnysloveDOTcom said...

O.M.F.G!! Dolores, you have me wanting to laugh so hard here at my "full of stuffy snobby to women manly meanies" work that I had to keep stomping my foot into the carpet!!

And yes, I agree. Tough love is the BEST you can give your loved ones.

=:8

Iby said...

Dolores, are you blogging topless now? Oh my.

pacalaga said...

Dolores, my pet, I love you.
Franklin, we're all expecting lots of photos from the trip, so I truly hope she didn't bruise you anyplace that will show.

Will Pillage For Yarn said...

Boys can be such babies! He's lucky he's got you around to take him in hand.

Anonymous said...

Can't wipe the grin off my face.

LaurieM

All the Way With Knitting said...

For one horrible moment J.Edgar Hoover on the golf course came into my mind...I don't suppose Herbert looked much better ..tell me Franklin hasn't got tweed plus-fours.A fair-isle would look cute but I loathe,hate,detest Pringle.You are Trinni and Susannah all rolled into one Dolores ( don't know if you see them in the U.S?)( about as subtle too).

Jackie said...

Clearly, I'm shopping at the wrong Marshall Fields...

Cheryl said...

Love your flowered panties D. are they hipsters??

Donna said...

Thank you Franklin, for making even your non-knitting posts more than just the "today I ate a cheese sandwich" kind of filler. Tell Dolores there is nothing wrong with black and grey...

Debbie said...

And this, my dear Dolores, is why I shop for my husband when he's not around.

I bring bags full of clothes home from the store, force him to try everything on until he eventually starts mincing around the house with button-down shirts tied up to his chest to let me know he's had quite enough, and I bring half of it back to the store. Repeat as necessary.

One must limit their choices, else they'll end up with a bland, monochromatic wardrobe before you can pull a Mommy on them with a wire hanger and a can of Comet.

Colleen said...

"Snooker-ball bottom."

I just snorted so badly it hurts.

AprilBrokenA said...

Delores, when I am on my whirlwind tour of Chicago (how on earth am I supposed to hit all those stores in 2 days?) will you please be my shopping buddy? Please? I need a "What not to wear" experience!

Isela: Purling Sprite said...

hahahaha, the funniest I have read all day. Thanks for the laughs.

PS: I love the thong :)

Ween said...

Thank God he has you to help him D! I was at the San Diego Zoo this weekend and ran into your cousin Dorthy-Jean, well I guess she is your 2nd cousin once removed on your moms side. Anyway, I brought her up to date on all the latest. She wishes she had never hooked up with that zoo keeper you two met in Vegas, apparently when convinced her it was time to settle down and to "move in" with him she didn't realize he meant the zoo. She feels completely used. She asked me if I thought Franklin would let her stay at your place too. I told her that I wasn't getting into the middle of it, but promised I'd send you a note. Her plan is to make a run from the Kiddie Petting Zoo at first chance, as she is tired of little fingers poking her in the ... well you know, and it's not in a good way.

Cheers, Gina

LornaJay said...

Ah yes, packing. Can I suggest a small fire blanket...?

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/europe/5012706.stm

You *are* going to Istanbul aren't you?

Anne said...

Gotta say, pants with sagging butts really are wrong. Nothin like a man whose pants fit properly...

Can't say I'd wanna shop with Dolores though, she'd probably throw out everything I own.

doloreshaze said...

Ben Sherman....we approve...
Perhaps you should amble into the Penguin store as well, doll.

Jay said...

I want to see the ensemble being modelled - tell me you had your digital camera handy, D!!!? Or was it full of pictures taken in the men's changing room (perhaps you could share those too?!)?

Leslie said...

Dolores, you are the absolutely best thing to happen to knitting blogs since the internet! Bless you, sweetie, for keeping "our" Franklin from becoming entirely too stuffy. Too bad there's no way to clone you because we all could use a little Dolores in our lives.

Carrie K said...

Dolores, you are a saint. A veritable saint.

Marilyn said...

Sorry Dewlorus, but that's not my Franklin that you described.

The guy I know looked pretty cool for someone YOU think dresses like Herbert Hoover, at least when we went to Rhinebeck.

But perhaps it was a James Dean manque weekend. If so, he could have done a lot worse. And evidently has, according to you.

And Ms. EweKnowWhat, I'm not too wild about your fashion sense. What's with those gawd-awful glasses?

Kathy Merrick said...

Hehheh.
For a guy who claims to play for the other team, as it were, F., you sure are good at drawing bras.
Hmmm.

Martha said...

Oh, Dolores, you are so right. Many, many years ago, when my husband was still single, one of his married female office mates took him aside to tell him that if he ever wanted to date, he would have to wear tighter pants. It worked.

Melissa said...

Just here to give you a hug for your comment on the Harlot's blog. We are a brave bunch, taking on stretch marks and labor pains to perpetuate the species.

(((big hug)))

JoVE said...

There better be a book in the works. Secretly is fine. But now that the Harlot as established Knitting Humour as a legitimate genre (and if you want to argue about that u, you better show us that Americans can do that, too), I think a Dolores book would be a welcome addition. And just think. It might mean you could send some choice words to the folks you work for now.

AngeliasKnitting said...

lol - Dolores, you crack me up!

rene said...

Thank you for the mental images. "Snooker ball bottom." Snerk.

Sounds like Dolores and Schuler had a good time while you were out. :)

Windsornot said...

Thank God (or the deity of your choice) that Franklin had some sense knocked into him-- literally! What is it with men and not understanding fashion? My husband is the same way, except he wears tight jeans and cords a la '80s, and thinks he's a fashionista. (Isn't that a scream!). Maybe we should work on getting Franklin on "What Not To Wear" so that Stacey and Clinton can really tear into him, and then you can tell him, "See, I told you so, and I was more gentle to you!". Serves the boy right dissing your fashion sense.

longboat gal said...

You, dear Franklin, have missed your calling. You ARE a writer - and a very good one, at that.
xoxxo
Pam

Anonymous said...

I am having a hard time wrapping my mind around the "Arthur the Aardvark underpants".

(snort)

where's the "queer eye for the queer guy" when you need them?

have a good trip, both of you!

anne marie in philly

Mel said...

I've heard of being led around like a sheep, but by a sheep?! Honestly. I would have been inclined to march right out of the dressing room stall, Arthur the Aardvark underpants notwithstanding, but then I am an Aries. On the other hand, if it meant getting jeans that give me a snooker-ball bottom.... Well, so long as they didn't also give me a perpetual wedgie. That's no fun - or at least not for me. To each their own, though.

And if Dolores gets a mind to leave something on my doorstep, I will remind her that this is a farm and we're well equipped for that sort of thing. If she does come to visit, maybe Posey can show her a thing or two about how refined sheep comport themselves.

Linda said...

How on Earth do you live with her? She's such an opinionated old bag.

That Laurie said...

For the love of all of us who write for a living, PLEASE put this cartoon of Dolores on a coffee cup.

Please.

Even better, collect the Dolores cartoons and commentary into a book. Envision skyrocketing sales...

Annie said...

Dolores is so damn funny! Bless her for the confidence to type topless. Amen, sister.

Sandra said...

Dolores hon, nice thong. I hope you wiped down the chair before Franklin sat down...

Waiting impatiently for your book. You and Franklin DO have one in the works, don't you??

Roberta said...

Go Dolores!
I nominate Dolores to use her split on the two idiots in Georgia who have stealing yarn from shops in that area.

http://www.wsbtv.com/news/9268970/detail.html?rss=atl&psp=news

Watch the video for their mugshots so we can be on the lookout for these dangerous criminals!

FiberQat said...

Franklin you should have worn the undies with the little rockets. More studly.

D, I am amazed you've made enough time to work on Franklin's wardrobe when you have your own to consider. Didn't you say you're lacking in frockage?

Long Time Listener said...

Is there a funnier word in the English language than "underpants?"

Marlene said...

Ewe go girl!

Angela said...

Yow, I need Dolores to come take me shopping ;)

Sean said...

OH, my...does Dolores freelance? I should take her shopping with me! All I wear is the Gap or LLBean! And the girl has nice taste in beverages - YUM, my favorite.

Beth said...

OMG, I so needed this laugh after my week. Thank you so much.

Kathy said...

Oh you two. You both crack me up. Delores I needed a laugh today. Thanks

Longhorn Diva said...

Hot damn! That's the funniest s*&^ I've read in I don't know how long. Oh. My. Word.

I think I love you.