I work out at the straightest gym on the planet. Even the male aerobics instructors are straight, and honestly I thought that was against the law.
In a way, this is good because it means I have no trouble focusing on my workout. On the other hand, sometimes the parade of ugly straight men can be downright depressing.
And when I say ugly, I mean uhhhhhggglly. If Pope Benedict XVI came in and climbed onto the stationary bicycle next to mine I wouldn't even blink.
It's bad enough seeing these men naked in the locker room. Most of them go through incredible Kama Sutra contortions to hide their naughty bits when they change (who do they think is looking?) but there's still enough showing to wreck your appetite for a week.
Just imagine my discomfiture when yesterday I walked into the steam room and interrupted two of them who were lusting after each other.
They weren't touching or anything, but I could tell in an instant what was going on. There was a third fellow already in the room, and these two were obviously wanting to be alone together. Both had wedding rings and (judging from appearances) came from "I must marry and produce children despite my lust for men" sorts of cultures.*
As I sat down they glared at me, and then looked at each other, and heaved obvious sighs of discontent. (Amateurs are so indiscreet.)
I wasn't going to curtail my schvitz to enable their covert game of leapfrog. When I left ten minutes later for the sauna they were still sitting there, flirting with each other and with severe dehydration.
The sauna, ironically, was empty. I sat down in my favorite spot, this sort of deep niche to the right of the door that isn't well lit and where the heat tends to concentrate.
I hadn't been in there two minutes and was just getting to a marvelous state of relaxation when the door opened, and in came Tweedledee and Tweedledum. They were so in rut by this time that they didn't check the niche to see if it was empty. They just opened their towels and started playing Pole Position.
So I did what any compassionate gay man would do. I sat very still, waited for what dramatists call the Apex of the Action Sequence, and then I SUDDENLY COUGHED VERY LOUDLY.
Have you ever seen a man startled out of his wits while in the throes of orgasm? It's cute.
*I'll be honest. I have about the same amount of sympathy for these men that I do for the people who sue fast food chains for making them fat.